第53章
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  Marian!hewasnotevenlookingatme!Ipulleddownmyveil,thinkingitbestnottolethimseethatthetearswereinmyeyes。Ifanciedhehadnotpaidanyattentiontome,buthehad。Hesaid,``Comeaway,’’andlaughedtohimselfashehelpedmeontomyhorse。Hemountedhisownhorseandlaughedagainaswerodeaway。``IfIdobuildyouatomb,’’hesaid,``itwillbedonewithyourownmoney。IwonderwhetherCeciliaMetellahadafortuneandpaidforhers。’’Imadenoreply——howcouldI,whenIwascryingbehindmyveil?``Ah,youlight-complexionedwomenareallsulky,’’hesaid。``Whatdoyouwant?complimentsandsoftspeeches?Well!

  I’minagoodhumourthismorning。Considerthecomplimentspaidandthespeechessaid。’’Menlittleknowwhentheysayhardthingstoushowwellwerememberthem,andhowmuchharmtheydous。ItwouldhavebeenbetterformeifIhadgoneoncrying,buthiscontemptdriedupmytearsandhardenedmyheart-Fromthattime,Marian,InevercheckedmyselfagaininthinkingofWalterHartright。Iletthememoryofthosehappydays,whenweweresofondofeachotherinsecret,comebackandcomfortme。

  WhatelsehadItolooktoforconsolation?Ifwehadbeentogetheryouwouldhavehelpedmetobetterthings。Iknowitwaswrong,darling,buttellmeifIwaswrongwithoutanyexcuse。’

  Iwasobligedtoturnmyfacefromher。`Don’taskme!’Isaid。`HaveIsufferedasyouhavesuffered?WhatrighthaveItodecide?’

  `Iusedtothinkofhim,’shepursued,droppinghervoiceandmovingclosertome,`IusedtothinkofhimwhenPercivalleftmealoneatnighttogoamongtheOperapeople。IusedtofancywhatImighthavebeenifithadpleasedGodtoblessmewithpoverty,andifIhadbeenhiswife。

  Iusedtoseemyselfinmyneatcheapgown,sittingathomeandwaitingforhimwhilehewasearningourbread——sittingathomeandworkingforhimandlovinghimallthebetterbecauseIhadtoworkforhim——seeinghimcomeintiredandtakingoffhishatandcoatforhim,and,Marian,pleasinghimwithlittledishesatdinnerthatlhadlearnttomakeforhissake。Oh!IhopeheisneverlonelyenoughandsadenoughtothinkofmeandseemeasIhavethoughtofhimandseehim!’

  Asshesaidthosemelancholywords,allthelosttendernessreturnedtohervoice。andallthelostbeautytrembledbackintoherface。Hereyesrestedaslovinglyontheblighted,solitary,ill-omenedviewbeforeus,asiftheysawthefriendlyhillsofCumberlandinthedimandthreateningsky。

  `Don’tspeakofWalteranymore,’Isaid,assoonasIcouldcontrolmyself。`Oh,Laura,spareusboththewretchednessoftalkingofhimnow!’

  Sherousedherself,andlookedatmetenderly。

  `Iwouldratherbesilentabouthimforever,’sheanswered,`thancauseyouamoment’spain。’

  `Itisinyourinterests,’Ipleaded;`itisforyoursakethatIspeak。

  Ifyourhusbandheardyou——’

  `Itwouldnotsurprisehimifhedidhearme。’

  Shemadethatstrangereplywithawearycalmnessandcoldness-Thechangeinhermanner,whenshegavetheanswer,startledmealmostasmuchastheansweritself。

  `Notsurprisehim!’Irepeated。`Laura!rememberwhatyouaresaying——youfrightenme!’

  `Itistrue,’shesaid;`itiswhatIwantedtotellyoutoday,whenweweretalkinginyourroom。MyonlysecretwhenIopenedmyhearttohimatLimmeridgewasaharmlesssecret,Marian——yousaidsoyourself。

  ThenamewasallIkeptfromhim,andhehasdiscoveredit。’

  Iheardher,butIcouldsaynothing。Herlastwordshadkilledthelittlehopethatstilllivedinme。

  `IthappenedatRome,’shewenton,aswearilycalmandcoldasever。

  `WewereatalittlepartygiventotheEnglishbysomefriendsofSirPercival’s——MrandMrsMarkland。MrsMarklandhadthereputationofsketchingverybeautifully,andsomeoftheguestsprevailedonhertoshowusherdrawings。Wealladmiredthem,butsomethingIsaidattractedherattentionparticularlytome。``Surelyyoudrawyourself?’’sheasked。``Iusedtodrawalittleonce,’’Ianswered,``butIhavegivenitup。’’``Ifyouhaveoncedrawn,’’shesaid,``youmaytaketoitagainoneofthesedays,andifyoudo,Iwishyouwouldletmerecommendyouamaster。’’Isaidnothing——youknowwhy,Marian——andtriedtochangetheconversation。

  ButMrsMarklandpersisted。``lhavehadallsortsofteachers,’’shewenton,``butthebestofall,themostintelligentandthemostattentive,waMrHartright。Ifyouevertakeupyourdrawingagain,doyhimasamaster。Heisayoungman——modestandgentlemanlike——Iamsureyouwilllikehim。’’Thinkofthosewordsbeingspokentomepublicly,inthepresenceofstrangers——strangerswhohadbeeninvitedtomeetthebrideandbridegroom!IdidallIcouldtocontrolmyself——Isaidnothing,andlookeddowncloseatthedrawings。WhenIventuredtoraisemyheadagain,myeyesandmyhusband’seyesmet,andIknew,byhislook,thatmyfacehadbetrayedme。``WewillseeaboutMrHartright,’’hesaid,lookingatmeallthetime,``whenwegetbacktoEngland。Iagreewithyou,MrsMarkland——IthinkLadyGlydeissuretolikehim。’’Helaidanemphasisonthelastwordswhichmademycheeksburn,andsetmyheartbeatingasifitwouldstifleme。Nothingmorewassaid。Wecameawayearly。Hewassilentinthecarriagedrivingbacktothehotel。Hehelpedmeout,andfollowedmeupstairsasusual。Butthemomentwewereinthedrawing-room,helockedthedoor,pushedmedownintoachair,andstoodovermewithhishandsonmyshoulders。``EversincethatmorningwhenyoumadeyouraudaciousconfessiontomeatLimmeridge,’’hesaid,``Ihavewantedtofindouttheman,andIfoundhiminyourfacetonight。Yourdrawing-masterwastheman,andhisnameisHartright。Youshallrepentit,andheshallrepentit,tothelasthourofyourlives。Nowgotobedanddreamofhimifyoulike,withthemarksofmyhorsewhiponhisshoulders。’’WheneverheisangrywithmenowhereferstowhatIacknowledgedtohiminyourpresencewithasneerorathreat。IhavenopowertopreventhimfromputtinghisownhorribleconstructionontheconfidenceIplacedinhim。

  Ihavenoinfluencetomakehimbelieveme,ortokeephimsilent。YoulookedsurprisedtodaywhenyouheardhimtellmethatIhadmadeavirtueofnecessityinmarryinghim。Youwillnotbesurprisedagainwhenyouhearhimrepeatit,thenexttimeheisoutoftemper——OhMarian!don’t!

  don’t!youhurtme!’

  Ihadcaughtherinmyarms,andthestingandtormentofmyremorsehadclosedthemroundherlikeavice。Yes!myremorse。ThewhitedespairofWalter’sface,whenmycruelwordsstruckhimtotheheartinthesummer-houseatLimmeridge,rosebeforemeinmute,unendurablereproach。Myhandhadpointedthewaywhichledthemanmysisterloved,stepbystep,farfromhiscountryandhisfriends。BetweenthosetwoyoungheartsIhadstood,tosunderthemforever,theonefromtheother,andhislifeandherlifelaywastedbeforemealikeinwitnessofthedeed。Ihaddonethis,anddoneitforSirPercivalGlyde。

  ForSirPercivalGlyde。

  Iheardherspeaking,andIknewbythetoneofhervoicethatshewascomfortingme——I,whodeservednothingbutthereproachofhersilence!

  HowlongitwasbeforeImasteredtheabsorbingmiseryofmyownthoughts,Icannottell。Iwasfirstconsciousthatshewaskissingme,andthenmyeyesseemedtowakeonasuddentotheirsenseofoutwardthings,andIknewthatIwaslookingmechanicallystraightbeforemeattheprospectofthelake。

  `Itislate,’Iheardherwhisper。`Itwillbedarkintheplantation。’

  Sheshookmyarmandrepeated,`Marian!itwillbedarkintheplantation。’

  `Givemeaminutelonger,’Isaid——`aminute,togetbetterin。’

  Iwasafraidtotrustmyselftolookatheryet,andIkeptmyeyesfixedontheview。

  Itwaslate。Thedensebrownlineoftreesintheskyhadfadedinthegatheringdarknesstothefaintresemblanceofalongwreathofsmoke。

  Themistoverthelakebelowhadstealthilyenlarged,andadvancedonus。

  Thesilencewasasbreathlessasever,butthehorrorofithadgone,andthesolemnmysteryofitsstillnesswasallthatremained。

  `Wearefarfromthehouse,’shewhispered。`Letusgohack。’

  Shestoppedsuddenly,andturnedherfacefrommetowardstheentranceoftheboat-house。

  `Marian!’shesaid,tremblingviolently。`Doyouseenothing?took!’

  `Where?’

  `Downthere,belowus。’

  Shepointed。Myeyesfollowedherhand,andIsawittoo。

  Alivingfigurewasmovingoverthewasteofheathinthedistance。

  Itcrossedourrangeofviewfromtheboat-house,andpasseddarklyalongtheouteredgeofthemist。Itstoppedfaroff,infrontofus——waited——andpassedon;movingslowly,withthewhitecloudofmistbehinditandaboveit——slowly,slowly,tillitglidedbytheedgeoftheboat-house,andwesawitnomore。

  Wewerebothunnervedbywhathadpassedbetweenusthatevening。SomeminuteselapsedbeforeLaurawouldventureintotheplantation,andbeforeIcouldmakeupmymindtoleadherbacktothehouse。

  `Wasitamanorawoman?’sheaskedinawhisper,aswemovedatlastintothedarkdampnessoftheouterair。

  `Iamnotcertain。’

  `Whichdoyouthink?’

  `Itlookedlikeawoman。’

  `Iwasafraiditwasamaninalongcloak。’

  `Itmaybeaman。Inthisdimlightitisnotpossibletobecertain。’

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