“Mydearlady。”saidtheCount，“thoseareadmirablesentiments，andIhaveseenthemstatedatthetopsofcopy-books。”Heliftedoneofthewhitemiceinthepalmofhishand，andspoketoitinhiswhimsicalway。
“Myprettylittlesmoothwhiterascal。”hesaid，“hereisamorallessonforyou。Atrulywisemouseisatrulygoodmouse。Mentionthat，ifyouplease，toyourcompanions，andnevergnawatthebarsofyourcageagainaslongasyoulive。”
“Itiseasytoturneverythingintoridicule。”saidLauraresolutely；
“butyouwillnotfinditquitesoeasy，CountFosco，togivemeaninstanceofawisemanwhohasbeenagreatcriminal。”
TheCountshruggedhishugeshoulders，andsmiledonLaurainthefriendliestmanner。
“Mosttrue！”hesaid。“Thefool’scrimeisthecrimethatisfoundout，andthewiseman’scrimeisthecrimethatisNOTfoundout。IfIcouldgiveyouaninstance，itwouldnotbetheinstanceofawiseman。DearLadyGlyde，yoursoundEnglishcommonsensehasbeentoomuchforme。Itischeckmateformethistime，MissHalcombe——ha？”
“Standtoyourguns，Laura。”sneeredSirPercival，whohadbeenlisteninginhisplaceatthedoor。“Tellhimnext，thatcrimescausetheirowndetection。There’sanotherbitofcopy-bookmoralityforyou，Fosco。Crimescausetheirowndetection。Whatinfernalhumbug！”
“Ibelieveittobetrue。”saidLauraquietly。
SirPercivalburstoutlaughing，soviolently，sooutrageously，thathequitestartledusall——theCountmorethananyofus。
“Ibelieveittoo。”Isaid，comingtoLaura’srescue。
SirPercival，whohadbeenunaccountablyamusedathiswife’sremark，wasjustasunaccountablyirritatedbymine。Hestruckthenewsticksavagelyonthesand，andwalkedawayfromus。
“PoordearPercival！”criedCountFosco，lookingafterhimgaily，“heisthevictimofEnglishspleen。But，mydearMissHalcombe，mydearLadyGlyde，doyoureallybelievethatcrimescausetheirowndetection？
Andyou，myangel。”hecontinued，turningtohiswife，whohadnotutteredawordyet，“doyouthinksotoo？”
“Iwaittobeinstructed。”repliedtheCountess，intonesoffreezingreproof，intendedforLauraandme，“beforeIventureongivingmyopinioninthepresenceofwell-informedmen。”
“Doyou，indeed？”Isaid。“Irememberthetime，Countess，whenyouadvocatedtheRightsofWomen，andfreedomoffemaleopinionwasoneofthem。”
“Whatisyourviewofthesubject，Count？”askedMadameFosco，calmlyproceedingwithhercigarettes，andnottakingtheleastnoticeofme。
TheCountstrokedoneofhiswhitemicereflectivelywithhischubbylittlefingerbeforeheanswered。
“Itistrulywonderful。”hesaid，“howeasilySocietycanconsoleitselffortheworstofitsshortcomingswithalittlebitofclap-trap。Themachineryithassetupforthedetectionofcrimeismiserablyineffective——andyetonlyinventamoralepigram，sayingthatitworkswell，andyoublindeverybodytoitsblundersfromthatmoment。Crimescausetheirowndetection，dothey？Andmurderwilloutanothermoralepigram，willit？AskCoronerswhositatinquestsinlargetownsifthatistrue，LadyGlyde。Asksecretariesoflife-assurancecompaniesifthatistrue，MissHalcombe。Readyourownpublicjournals。Inthefewcasesthatgetintothenewspapers，aretherenotinstancesofslainbodiesfound，andnomurdererseverdiscovered？
MultiplythecasesthatarereportedbythecasesthatareNOTreported，andthebodiesthatarefoundbythebodiesthatareNOTfound，andwhatconclusiondoyoucometo？This。Thattherearefoolishcriminalswhoarediscovered，andwisecriminalswhoescape。Thehidingofacrime，orthedetectionofacrime，whatisit？Atrialofskillbetweenthepoliceononeside，andtheindividualontheother。Whenthecriminalisabrutal，ignorantfool，thepoliceinninecasesoutoftenwin。
Whenthecriminalisaresolute，educated，highly-intelligentman，thepoliceinninecasesoutoftenlose。Ifthepolicewin，yougenerallyhearallaboutit。Ifthepolicelose，yougenerallyhearnothing。
AndonthistotteringfoundationyoubuildupyourcomfortablemoralmaximthatCrimecausesitsowndetection！Yes——allthecrimeyouknowof。
Andwhatoftherest？”
“Devilishtrue，andverywellput。”criedavoiceattheentranceoftheboat-house。SirPercivalhadrecoveredhisequanimity，andhadcomebackwhilewewerelisteningtotheCount。
“Someofitmaybetrue。”Isaid，“andallofitmaybeverywellput。
ButIdon’tseewhyCountFoscoshouldcelebratethevictoryofthecriminaloverSocietywithsomuchexultation，orwhyyou，SirPercival，shouldapplaudhimsoloudlyfordoingit。”
“Doyouhearthat，Fosco？”askedSirPercival。“Takemyadvice，andmakeyourpeacewithyouraudience。Tellthemvirtue’safinething——theylikethat，Icanpromiseyou。”
TheCountlaughedinwardlyandsilently，andtwoofthewhitemiceinhiswaistcoat，alarmedbytheinternalconvulsiongoingonbeneaththem，dartedoutinaviolenthurry，andscrambledintotheircageagain。
“Theladies，mygoodPercival，shalltellmeaboutvirtue。”hesaid。
“TheyarebetterauthoritiesthanIam，fortheyknowwhatvirtueis，andIdon’t。”
“Youhearhim？”saidSirPercival。“Isn’titawful？”
“Itistrue。”saidtheCountquietly。“Iamacitizenoftheworld，andIhavemet，inmytime，withsomanydifferentsortsofvirtue，thatIampuzzled，inmyoldage，tosaywhichistherightsortandwhichisthewrong。Here，inEngland，thereisonevirtue。Andthere，inChina，thereisanothervirtue。AndJohnEnglishmansaysmyvirtueisthegenuinevirtue。AndJohnChinamansaysmyvirtueisthegenuinevirtue。AndIsayYestoone，orNototheother，andamjustasmuchbewilderedaboutitinthecaseofJohnwiththetop-bootsasIaminthecaseofJohnwiththepigtail。Ah，nicelittleMousey！come，kissme。Whatisyourownprivatenotionofavirtuousman，mypret-pret-pretty？Amanwhokeepsyouwarm，andgivesyouplentytoeat。Andagoodnotion，too，foritisintelligible，attheleast。”
“Stayaminute，Count。”Iinterposed。“Acceptingyourillustration，surelywehaveoneunquestionablevirtueinEnglandwhichiswantinginChina。TheChineseauthoritieskillthousandsofinnocentpeopleonthemostfrivolouspretexts。WeinEnglandarefreefromallguiltofthatkind——wecommitnosuchdreadfulcrime——weabhorrecklessbloodshedwithallourhearts。”
“Quiteright，Marian。”saidLaura。“Wellthoughtof，andwellexpressed“
“PrayallowtheCounttoproceed。”saidMadameFosco，withsterncivility。
“Youwillfind，youngladies，thatHEneverspeakswithouthavingexcellentreasonsforallthathesays。”
“Thankyou，myangel。”repliedtheCount。“Haveabon-bon？”Hetookoutofhispocketaprettylittleinlaidbox，andplaceditopenonthetable。“ChocolatalaVanille。”criedtheimpenetrableman，cheerfullyrattlingthesweetmeatsinthebox，andbowingallround。“OfferedbyFoscoasanactofhomagetothecharmingsociety。”
“Begoodenoughtogoon，Count。”saidhiswife，withaspitefulreferencetomyself。“ObligemebyansweringMissHalcombe。”
“MissHalcombeisunanswerable。”repliedthepoliteItalian；“thatistosay，sofarasshegoes。Yes！Iagreewithher。JohnBulldoesabhorthecrimesofJohnChinaman。Heisthequickestoldgentlemanatfindingoutfaultsthatarehisneighbours’，andtheslowestoldgentlemanatfindingoutthefaultsthatarehisown，whoexistsonthefaceofcreation。
Ishesoverymuchbetterinthiswaythanthepeoplewhomhecondemnsintheirway？EnglishSociety，MissHalcombe，isasoftentheaccompliceasitistheenemyofcrime。
Yes！yes！Crimeisinthiscountrywhatcrimeisinothercountries——agoodfriendtoamanandtothoseabouthimasoftenasitisanenemy。
Agreatrascalprovidesforhiswifeandfamily。Theworseheisthemorehemakesthemtheobjectsforyoursympathy。Heoftenprovidesalsoforhimself。Aprofligatespendthriftwhoisalwaysborrowingmoneywillgetmorefromhisfriendsthantherigidlyhonestmanwhoonlyborrowsofthemonce，underpressureofthedirestwant。Intheonecasethefriendswillnotbeatallsurprised，andtheywillgive。
Intheothercasetheywillbeverymuchsurprised，andtheywillhesitate。
IstheprisonthatMr。ScoundrellivesinattheendofhiscareeramoreuncomfortableplacethantheworkhousethatMr。Honestylivesinattheendofhiscareer？WhenJohn-Howard-Philanthropistwantstorelievemiseryhegoestofinditinprisons，wherecrimeiswretched——notinhutsandhovels，wherevirtueiswretchedtoo。WhoistheEnglishpoetwhohaswonthemostuniversalsympathy——whomakestheeasiestofallsubjectsforpatheticwritingandpatheticpainting？Thatniceyoungpersonwhobeganlifewithaforgery，andendeditbyasuicide——yourdear，romantic，interestingChatterton。Whichgetsonbest，doyouthink，oftwopoorstarvingdressmakers——thewomanwhoresiststemptationandishonest，orthewomanwhofallsundertemptationandsteals？Youallknowthatthestealingisthemakingofthatsecondwoman’sfortune——itadvertisesherfromlengthtobreadthofgood-humoured，charitableEngland——andsheisrelieved，asthebreakerofacommandment，whenshewouldhavebeenlefttostarve，asthekeeperofit。Comehere，myjollylittleMouse！Hey！presto！
pass！Itransformyou，forthetimebeing，intoarespectablelady。
Stopthere，inthepalmofmygreatbighand，mydear，andlisten。Youmarrythepoormanwhomyoulove，Mouse，andonehalfyourfriendspity，andtheotherhalfblameyou。Andnow，onthecontrary，yousellyourselfforgoldtoamanyoudon’tcarefor，andallyourfriendsrejoiceoveryou，andaministerofpublicworshipsanctionsthebasehorrorofthevilestofallhumanbargains，andsmilesandsmirksafterwardsatyourtable，ifyouarepoliteenoughtoaskhimtobreakfast。Hey！presto！pass！Beamouseagain，andsqueak。Ifyoucontinuetobealadymuchlonger，IshallhaveyoutellingmethatSocietyabhorscrime——andthen，Mouse，Ishalldoubtifyourowneyesandearsarereallyofanyusetoyou。Ah！Iamabadman，LadyGlyde，amInot？Isaywhatotherpeopleonlythink，andwhenalltherestoftheworldisinaconspiracytoacceptthemaskforthetrueface，mineistherashhandthattearsofftheplumppasteboard，andshowsthebarebonesbeneath。Iwillgetuponmybigelephant’slegs，beforeI