第62章
加入书架 A- A+
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  Hewentupstairstothedisusedcitadel,flunghimselfintothearm-

  chair,andcoveredhisfacewithhishands。

  Hestilldidnotknowthathiswifedrank,buthecouldnolongertrusther,andhisdreamofhappinesswasover。HehadbeensavedfromtheChurch——soasbyfire,butstillsaved——butwhatcouldnowsavehimfromhismarriage?HehadmadethesamemistakethathehadmadeinweddinghimselftotheChurch,butwithahundredtimesworseresults。Hehadlearntnothingbyexperience:hewasanEsau——oneofthosewretcheswhoseheartstheLordhadhardened,who,havingears,heardnot,havingeyessawnot,andwhoshouldfindnoplaceforrepentancethoughtheysoughtitevenwithtears。

  YethadhenotonthewholetriedtofindoutwhatthewaysofGodwere,andtofollowtheminsinglenessofheart?Toacertainextent,yes;buthehadnotbeenthorough;hehadnotgivenupallforGod。Heknewthatverywellhehaddonelittleascomparedwithwhathemightandoughttohavedone,butstillifhewasbeingpunishedforthis,Godwasahardtaskmaster,andone,too,whowascontinuallypouncingoutuponhisunhappycreaturesfromambuscades。

  InmarryingEllenhehadmeanttoavoidalifeofsin,andtotakethecoursehebelievedtobemoralandright。Withhisantecedentsandsurroundingsitwasthemostnaturalthingintheworldforhimtohavedone,yetinwhatafrightfulpositionhadnothismoralitylandedhim。Couldanyamountofimmoralityhaveplacedhiminamuchworseone?Whatwasmoralityworthifitwasnotthatwhichonthewholebroughtamanpeaceatthelast,andcouldanyonehavereasonablecertaintythatmarriagewoulddothis?Itseemedtohimthatinhisattempttobemoralhehadbeenfollowingadevilwhichhaddisguiseditselfasanangeloflight。Butifso,whatgroundwasthereonwhichamanmightrestthesoleofhisfootandtreadinreasonablesafety?

  Hewasstilltooyoungtoreachtheanswer,“Oncommonsense“——ananswerwhichhewouldhavefelttobeunworthyofanyonewhohadanidealstandard。

  Howeverthismightbe,itwasplainthathehadnowdoneforhimself。Ithadbeenthuswithhimallhislife。Iftherehadcomeatanytimeagleamofsunshineandhope,itwastobeobscuredimmediately——why,prisonwashappierthanthis!There,atanyrate,hehadhadnomoneyanxieties,andthesewerebeginningtoweighuponhimnowwithalltheirhorrors。HewashappierevennowthanhehadbeenatBattersbyoratRoughborough,andhewouldnotnowgoback,evenifhecould,tohisCambridgelife,butforallthattheoutlookwassogloomy,infactsohopeless,thathefeltasifhecouldhaveonlytoogladlygonetosleepanddiedinhisarm-chaironceforall。

  Ashewasmusingthusandlookinguponthewreckofhishopes——forhesawwellenoughthataslongashewaslinkedtoEllenheshouldneverriseashehaddreamedofdoing——heheardanoisebelow,andpresentlyaneighbourranupstairsandenteredhisroomhurriedly-

  “Goodgracious,MrPontifex。”sheexclaimed,“forgoodness’sakecomedownquicklyandhelp。OMrsPontifexistookwiththehorrors——andshe’sorkard。”

  Theunhappymancamedownashewasbidandfoundhiswifemadwithdeliriumtremens。

  Heknewallnow。Theneighboursthoughthemusthaveknownthathiswifedrankallalong,butEllenhadbeensoartful,andhesosimple,that,asIhavesaid,hehadhadnosuspicion。“Why。”saidthewomanwhohadsummonedhim,“she’lldrinkanythingshecanstandupandpayhermoneyfor。”Ernestcouldhardlybelievehisears,butwhenthedoctorhadseenhiswifeandshehadbecomemorequiet,hewentovertothepublichousehardbyandmadeenquiries,theresultofwhichrenderedfurtherdoubtimpossible。Thepublicantooktheopportunitytopresentmyherowithabillofseveralpoundsforbottlesofspiritssuppliedtohiswife,andwhatwithhiswife’sconfinementandthewaybusinesshadfallenoff,hehadnotthemoneytopaywith,forthesumexceededtheremnantofhissavings。

  Hecametome——notformoney,buttotellmehismiserablestory。I

  hadseenforsometimethattherewassomethingwrong,andhadsuspectedprettyshrewdlywhatthematterwas,butofcourseIsaidnothing。ErnestandIhadbeengrowingapartforsometime。Iwasvexedathishavingmarried,andheknewIwasvexed,thoughIdidmybesttohideit。

  Aman’sfriendshipsare,likehiswill,invalidatedbymarriage——buttheyarealsonolessinvalidatedbythemarriageofhisfriends。

  Theriftinfriendshipwhichinvariablymakesitsappearanceonthemarriageofeitherofthepartiestoitwasfastwidening,asitnolessinvariablydoes,intothegreatgulfwhichisfixedbetweenthemarriedandtheunmarried,andIwasbeginningtoleavemyprotegetoafatewithwhichIhadneitherrightnorpowertomeddle。InfactIhadbeguntofeelhimratheraburden;IdidnotsomuchmindthiswhenIcouldbeofuse,butIgrudgeditwhenIcouldbeofnone。Hehadmadehisbedandhemustlieuponit。Ernesthadfeltallthisandhadseldomcomenearmetillnow,oneeveninglatein1860,hecalledonme,andwithaverywoebegonefacetoldmehistroubles。

  AssoonasIfoundthathenolongerlikedhiswifeIforgavehimatonce,andwasasmuchinterestedinhimasever。Thereisnothinganoldbachelorlikesbetterthantofindayoungmarriedmanwhowisheshehadnotgotmarried——especiallywhenthecaseissuchanextremeonethatheneednotpretendtohopethatmatterswillcomeallrightagain,orencouragehisyoungfriendtomakethebestofit。

  Iwasmyselfinfavourofaseparation,andsaidIwouldmakeEllenanallowancemyself——ofcourseintendingthatitshouldcomeoutofErnest’smoney;buthewouldnothearofthis。HehadmarriedEllen,hesaid,andhemusttrytoreformher。Hehatedit,buthemusttry;andfindinghimasusualveryobstinateIwasobligedtoacquiesce,thoughwithlittleconfidenceastotheresult。Iwasvexedatseeinghimwastehimselfuponsuchabarrentask,andagainbegantofeelhimburdensome。IamafraidIshowedthis,forheagainavoidedmeforsometime,and,indeed,formanymonthsI

  hardlysawhimatall。

  Ellenremainedveryillforsomedays,andthengraduallyrecovered。

  Ernesthardlylefthertillshewasoutofdanger。Whenshehadrecoveredhegotthedoctortotellherthatifshehadsuchanotherattackshewouldcertainlydie;thissofrightenedherthatshetookthepledge。

  Thenhebecamemorehopefulagain。Whenshewassobershewasjustwhatshewasduringthefirstdaysofhermarriedlife,andsoquickwashetoforgetpain,thatafterafewdayshewasasfondofherasever。ButEllencouldnotforgivehimforknowingwhathedid。

  Sheknewthathewasonthewatchtoshieldherfromtemptation,andthoughhedidhisbesttomakeherthinkthathehadnofurtheruneasinessabouther,shefoundtheburdenofherunionwithrespectabilitygrowmoreandmoreheavyuponher,andlookedbackmoreandmorelonginglyuponthelawlessfreedomofthelifeshehadledbeforeshemetherhusband。

  Iwilldwellnolongeronthispartofmystory。Duringthespringmonthsof1861shekeptstraight——shehadhadherflingofdissipation,andthis,togetherwiththeimpressionmadeuponherbyherhavingtakenthepledge,tamedherforawhile。Theshopwentfairlywell,andenabledErnesttomakethetwoendsmeet。Inthespringandsummerof1861heevenputbyalittlemoneyagain。Intheautumnhiswifewasconfinedofaboy——averyfineone,soeveryonesaid。Shesoonrecovered,andErnestwasbeginningtobreathefreelyandbealmostsanguinewhen,withoutawordofwarning,thestormbrokeagain。Hereturnedoneafternoonabouttwoyearsafterhismarriage,andfoundhiswifelyinguponthefloorinsensible。

  Fromthistimehebecamehopeless,andbegantogovisiblydownhill。Hehadbeenknockedabouttoomuch,andtheluckhadgonetoolongagainsthim。Thewearandtearofthelastthreeyearshadtoldonhim,andthoughnotactuallyillhewasover-worked,belowpar,andunfitforanyfurtherburden。

  Hestruggledforawhiletopreventhimselffromfindingthisout,butfactsweretoostrongforhim。Againhecalledonmeandtoldmewhathadhappened。Iwasgladthecrisishadcome;IwassorryforEllen,butacompleteseparationfromherwastheonlychanceforherhusband。Evenafterthislastoutbreakhewasunwillingtoconsenttothis,andtalkednonsenseaboutdyingathispost,tillI

  gottiredofhim。EachtimeIsawhimtheoldgloomhadsettledmoreandmoredeeplyuponhisface,andIhadaboutmadeupmymindtoputanendtothesituationbyacoupdemain,suchasbribingEllentorunawaywithsomebodyelse,orsomethingofthatkind,whenmatterssettledthemselvesasusualinawaywhichIhadnotanticipated。

  Thewinterhadbeenatryingone。Ernesthadonlypaidhiswaybysellinghispiano。Withthisheseemedtocutawaythelastlinkthatconnectedhimwithhisearlierlife,andtosinkonceforallintothesmallshop-keeper。Itseemedtohimthathoweverlowhemightsinkhispaincouldnotlastmuchlonger,forheshouldsimplydieifitdid。

  HehatedEllennow,andthepairlivedinopenwantofharmonywitheachother。Ifithadnotbeenforhischildren,hewouldhaveleftherandgonetoAmerica,buthecouldnotleavethechildrenwithEllen,andasfortakingthemwithhimhedidnotknowhowtodoit,norwhattodowiththemwhenhehadgotthemtoAmerica。Ifhehadnotlostenergyhewouldprobablyintheendhavetakenthechildrenandgoneoff,buthisnervewasshaken,sodayafterdaywentbyandnothingwasdone。

  Hehadonlygotafewshillingsintheworldnow,exceptthevalueofhisstock,whichwasverylittle;hecouldgetperhaps3poundsor4poundsbysellinghismusicandwhatfewpicturesandpiecesoffurniturestillbelongedtohim。Hethoughtoftryingtolivebyhispen,buthiswritinghaddroppedofflongago;henolongerhadanideainhishead。Lookwhichwayhewouldhesawnohope;theend,ifithadnotactuallycome,waswithineasydistanceandhewasalmostfacetofacewithactualwant。Whenhesawpeoplegoingaboutpoorlyclad,orevenwithoutshoesandstockings,hewonderedwhetherwithinafewmonths’timehetooshouldnothavetogoaboutinthisway。Theremorseless,resistlesshandoffatehadcaughthiminitsgripandwasdragginghimdown,down,down。Stillhestaggeredon,goinghisdailyrounds,buyingsecond-handclothes,andspendinghiseveningsincleaningandmendingthem。

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