Atthisanswer，whichwasdeliveredwithouttheslightestappearanceofirritation，andwiththemostcompletesimplicityandequanimityofmanner，thespectatorstittered，thelittlejudgesmiled，andSerjeantBuzfuzlookedparticularlyfoolish。AfterashortconsultationwithDodsonandFogg，thelearnedSerjeantagainturnedtowardsSam，andsaid，withapainfulefforttoconcealhisvexation，Now，Mr。Weller，I’llaskyouaquestiononanotherpoint，ifyouplease。
Ifyouplease，sir，rejoinedSam，withtheutmostgood-humour。
DoyouremembergoinguptoMrs。Bardell’shouse，onenightinNovemberlast？
Ohyes，verywell。
Oh，youdorememberthat，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，recoveringhisspirits。Ithoughtweshouldgetatsomethingatlast。
Iraytherthoughtthat，too，sir，repliedSam。andatthisthespectatorstitteredagain。
Well。Isupposeyouwentuptohavealittletalkaboutthistrial——eh，Mr。Weller？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，lookingknowinglyatthejury。
Iwentuptopaytherent。butwedidgetatalkin’aboutthetrial，repliedSam。
Oh，youdidgetatalkingaboutthetrial，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，brighteningupwiththeanticipationofsomeimportantdiscovery。Nowwhatpassedaboutthetrial。willyouhavethegoodnesstotellus，Mr。Weller？
Vithallthepleasureinlife，sir，repliedSam。Arterafewunimportantobserwationsfromthetwowirtuousfemalesashasbeenexaminedhereto-day，theladiesgetsintoaverygreatstateo’admirationatthehonourableconductofMr。DodsonandFogg——themtwogen’l’menasissettin’nearyounow。This，ofcourse，drewgeneralattentiontoDodsonandFogg，wholookedasvirtuousaspossible。
Theattorneysfortheplaintiff，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz。Well！
TheyspokeinhighpraiseofthehonourableconductofMessrs。DodsonandFogg，theattorneysfortheplaintiff，didthey？
Yes，saidSam，theysaidwhatawerygen’rousthingitwaso’themtohavetakenupthecaseonspec，andtochargenothingatallforcosts，unlesstheygot’emoutofMr。Pickwick。
Atthisveryunexpectedreply，thespectatorstitteredagain，andDodsonandFogg，turningveryred，leantovertoSerjeantBuzfuz，andinahurriedmannerwhisperedsomethinginhisear。
Youarequiteright，saidSerjeantBuzfuzaloud，withaffectedcomposure。
It’sperfectlyuseless，mylord，attemptingtogetatanyevidencethroughtheimpenetrablestupidityofthiswitness。Iwillnottroublethecourtbyaskinghimanymorequestions。Standdown，sir。
Wouldanyothergen’l’manliketoaskmeanythin’？inquiredSam，takinguphishat，andlookingroundmostdeliberately。
NotI，Mr。Weller，thankyou，saidSerjeantSnubbin，laughing。
Youmaygodown，sir，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，wavinghishandimpatiently。
Samwentdownaccordingly，afterdoingMessrs。DodsonandFogg’scaseasmuchharmasheconvenientlycould，andsayingjustaslittlerespectingMr。Pickwickasmightbe，whichwaspreciselytheobjecthehadhadinviewallalong。
Ihavenoobjectiontoadmit，mylord，saidSerjeantSnubbin，ifitwillsavetheexaminationofanotherwitness，thatMr。Pickwickhasretiredfrombusiness，andisagentlemanofconsiderableindependentproperty。
Verywell，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，puttinginthetwoletterstoberead，Thenthat’smycase，mylord。
SerjeantSnubbinthenaddressedthejuryonbehalfofthedefendant。
andaverylongandaveryemphaticaddresshedelivered，inwhichhebestowedthehighestpossibleeulogiumsontheconductandcharacterofMr。Pickwick。
butinasmuchasourreadersarefarbetterabletoformacorrectestimateofthatgentleman’smeritsanddeserts，thanSerjeantSnubbincouldpossiblybe，wedonotfeelcalledupontoenteratanylengthintothelearnedgentleman’sobservations。Heattemptedtoshowthattheletterswhichhadbeenexhibited，merelyrelatedtoMr。Pickwick’sdinner，ortothepreparationsforreceivinghiminhisapartmentsonhisreturnfromsomecountryexcursion。
Itissufficienttoaddingeneralterms，thathedidthebesthecouldforMr。Pickwick。andthebest，aseverybodyknows，ontheinfallibleauthorityoftheoldadage，coulddonomore。
Mr。JusticeStareleighsummedup，intheold-establishedandmostapprovedform。Hereadasmuchofhisnotestothejuryashecoulddecipheronsoshortanotice，andmaderunningcommentsontheevidenceashewentalong。IfMrs。Bardellwereright，itwasperfectlyclearthatMr。Pickwickwaswrong，andiftheythoughttheevidenceofMrs。Cluppinsworthyofcredencetheywouldbelieveit，and，iftheydidn’t，whytheywouldn’t。
Iftheyweresatisfiedthatabreachofpromiseofmarriagehadbeencommitted，theywouldfindfortheplaintiffwithsuchdamagesastheythoughtproper。
andif，ontheotherhand，itappearedtothemthatnopromiseofmarriagehadeverbeengiven，theywouldfindforthedefendantwithnodamagesatall。Thejurythenretiredtotheirprivateroomtotalkthematterover，andthejudgeretiredtohisprivateroom，torefreshhimselfwithamuttonchopandaglassofsherry。
Ananxiousquarterofanhourelapsed。thejurycameback。thejudgewasfetchedin。Mr。Pickwickputonhisspectacles，andgazedattheforemanwithanagitatedcountenanceandaquicklybeatingheart。
Gentlemen，saidtheindividualinblack，areyouallagreeduponyourverdict？
Weare，repliedtheforeman。
Doyoufindfortheplaintiff，gentlemen，orforthedefendant？
Fortheplaintiff。
Withwhatdamages，gentlemen？
Sevenhundredandfiftypounds。
Mr。Pickwicktookoffhisspectacles，carefullywipedtheglasses，foldedthemintotheircase，andputtheminhispocket。thenhavingdrawnonhisgloveswithgreatnicety，andstaredattheforemanallthewhile，hemechanicallyfollowedMr。Perkerandthebluebagoutofcourt。
TheystoppedinasideroomwhilePerkerpaidthecourtfees。andhere，Mr。Pickwickwasjoinedbyhisfriends。Here，too，heencounteredMessrs。
DodsonandFogg，rubbingtheirhandswitheverytokenofoutwardsatisfaction。
Well，gentlemen，saidMr。Pickwick。
Well，sir，saidDodson：forselfandpartner。
Youimagineyou’llgetyourcosts，don’tyou，gentlemen？saidMr。
Pickwick。
Foggsaidtheythoughtitratherprobable。Dodsonsmiled，andsaidthey’dtry。
Youmaytry，andtry，andtryagain，Messrs。DodsonandFogg，saidMr。Pickwickvehemently，butnotonefarthingofcostsordamagesdoyouevergetfromme，ifIspendtherestofmyexistenceinadebtor’sprison。
Ha，ha！laughedDodson。You’llthinkbetterofthat，beforenextterm，Mr。Pickwick。
He，he，he！We’llsoonseeaboutthat，Mr。Pickwick，grinnedFogg。
Speechlesswithindignation，Mr。Pickwickallowedhimselftobeledbyhissolicitorandfriendstothedoor，andthereassistedintoahackney-coach，whichhadbeenfetchedforthepurpose，bytheeverwatchfulSamWeller。
Samhadputupthesteps，andwaspreparingtojumpuponthebox，whenhefelthimselfgentlytouchedontheshoulder。andlookinground，hisfatherstoodbeforehim。Theoldgentleman’scountenanceworeamournfulexpression，asheshookhisheadgravely，andsaid，inwarningaccents：
Iknow’dwhat’udcomeo’thisheremodeo’doin’bisness。OhSammy，Sammy，vyworn’tthereaalleybi！
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter35[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXVINWHICHMR。PICKWICKTHINKSHEHADBETTERGOTO
BATH。ANDGOESACCORDINGLY
BUTsurely，mydearsir，saidlittlePerker，ashestoodinMr。Pickwick’sapartmentonthemorningafterthetrial：
Surelyyoudon’treallymean——reallyandseriouslynow，andirritationapart——thatyouwon’tpaythesecostsanddamages？
Notonehalfpenny，saidMr。Pickwick，firmly。notonehalfpenny。
Hooroarfortheprinciple，asthemoney-lendersaidvenhevouldn’trenewthebill，observedMr。Weller，whowasclearingawaythebreakfastthings。
Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，havethegoodnesstostepdown-stairs。Cert’nly，sir，repliedMr。Weller。andactingonMr。Pickwick’sgentlehint，Samretired。
No，Perker，saidMr。Pickwick，withgreatseriousnessofmanner，myfriendshere，haveendeavouredtodissuademefromthisdetermination，butwithoutavail。Ishallemploymyselfasusual，untiltheoppositepartyhavethepowerofissuingalegalprocessofexecutionagainstme。andiftheyarevileenoughtoavailthemselvesofit，andtoarrestmyperson，Ishallyieldmyselfupwithperfectcheerfulnessandcontentofheart。
Whencantheydothis？
Theycanissueexecution，mydearsir，fortheamountofthedamagesandtaxedcosts，nextterm，repliedPerker，justtwomonthshence，mydearsir。
Verygood，saidMr。Pickwick。Untilthattime，mydearfellow，letmehearnomoreofthematter。Andnow，continuedMr。Pickwick，lookingroundonhisfriendswithagood-humouredsmile，andasparkleintheeyewhichnospectaclescoulddimorconceal，theonlyquestionis，Whereshallwegonext？
Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrassweretoomuchaffectedbytheirfriend’sheroismtoofferanyreply。Mr。Winklehadnotyetsufficientlyrecoveredtherecollectionofhisevidenceatthetrial，tomakeanyobservationonanysubject，soMr。Pickwickpausedinvain。
Well，saidthatgentleman，ifyouleavemetosuggestourdestination，IsayBath。Ithinknoneofushaveeverbeenthere。
Nobodyhad。andasthepropositionwaswarmlysecondedbyPerker，whoconsidereditextremelyprobablethatifMr。Pickwicksawalittlechangeandgaietyhewouldbeinclinedtothinkbetterofhisdetermination，andworseofadebtor’sprison，itwascarriedunanimously：andSamwasatoncedispatchedtotheWhiteHorseCellar，totakefiveplacesbythehalf-pastseveno’clockcoach，nextmorning。
Therewerejusttwoplacestobehadinside，andjustthreetobehadout。soSamWellerbookedforthemall，andhavingexchangedafewcomplimentswiththebooking-officeclerkonthesubjectofapewterhalf-crownwhichwastenderedhimasaportionofhischange，walkedbacktotheGeorgeandVulture，wherehewasprettybusilyemployeduntilbed-timeinreducingclothesandlinenintothesmallestpossiblecompass，andexertinghismechanicalgeniusinconstructingavarietyofingeniousdevicesforkeepingthelidsonboxeswhichhadneitherlocksnorhinges。
Thenextwasaveryunpropitiousmorningforajourney——muggy，damp，anddrizzly。Thehorsesinthestagesthatweregoingout，andhadcomethroughthecity，weresmokingso，thattheoutsidepassengerswereinvisible。
Thenewspaper-sellerslookedmoist，andsmeltmouldy。thewetranoffthehatsoftheorange-vendersastheythrusttheirheadsintothecoachwindows，anddilutedtheinsidesinarefreshingmanner。TheJewswiththefiftybladedpenknivesshutthemupindespair。themenwiththepocket-booksmadepocket-booksofthem。Watch-guardsandtoasting-forkswerealikeatadiscount，andpencil-casesandspongewereadruginthemarket。
LeavingSamWellertorescuetheluggagefromthesevenoreightporterswhoflungthemselvessavagelyuponit，themomentthecoachstopped：andfindingthattheywereabouttwentyminutestooearly，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriendswentforshelterintothetravellers’room——thelastresourceofhumandejection。
Thetravellers’roomattheWhiteHorseCellarisofcourseuncomfortable。
itwouldbenotravellers’roomifitwerenot。Itistheright-handparlour，intowhichanaspiringkitchenfire-placeappearstohavewalked，accompaniedbyarebelliouspoker，tongs，andshovel。Itisdividedintoboxes，forthesolitaryconfinementoftravellers，andisfurnishedwithaclock，alooking-glass，andalivewaiter：whichlatterarticleiskeptinasmallkennelforwashingglasses，inacorneroftheapartment。
Oneoftheseboxeswasoccupied，onthisparticularoccasion，byastern-eyedmanofaboutfive-and-forty，whohadabaldandglossyforehead，withagooddealofblackhairatthesidesandbackofhishead，andlargeblackwhiskers。Hewasbuttoneduptothechininabrowncoat。andhadalargeseal-skintravellingcap，andagreat-coatandcloak，lyingontheseatbesidehim。HelookedupfromhisbreakfastasMr。Pickwickentered，withafierceandperemptoryair，whichwasverydignified。andhavingscrutinisedthatgentlemanandhiscompanionstohisentiresatisfaction，hummedatune，inamannerwhichseemedtosaythatherathersuspectedsomebodywantedtotakeadvantageofhim，butitwouldn’tdo。
Waiter，saidthegentlemanwiththewhiskers。
Sir？repliedamanwithadirtycomplexion，andatowelofthesame，emergingfromthekennelbeforementioned。
Somemoretoast。
Yes，sir。
Butteredtoast，mind，saidthegentleman，fiercely。
D’rectly，sir，repliedthewaiter。
Thegentlemanwiththewhiskershummedatuneinthesamemannerasbefore，andpendingthearrivalofthetoast，advancedtothefrontofthefire，and，takinghiscoattailsunderhisarms，lookedathisboots，andruminated。
IwonderwhereaboutsinBaththiscoachputsup，saidMr。Pickwick，mildlyaddressingMr。Winkle。
Hum——eh——what’sthat？saidthestrangeman。
Imadeanobservationtomyfriend，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick，alwaysreadytoenterintoconversation。IwonderedatwhathousetheBathcoachputup。Perhapsyoucaninformme。
AreyougoingtoBath？saidthestrangeman。
Iam，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick。
Andthoseothergentleman？
Theyaregoingalso，saidMr。Pickwick。
Notinside——I’llbedamnedifyou’regoinginside，saidthestrangeman。
Notallofus，saidMr。Pickwick。
No，notallofyou，saidthestrangemanemphatically。I’vetakentwoplaces。Iftheytrytosqueezesixpeopleintoaninfernalboxthatonlyholdsfour，I’lltakeapost-chaiseandbringanaction。I’vepaidmyfare。Itwon’tdo。ItoldtheclerkwhenItookmyplacesthatitwouldn’tdo。Iknowthesethingshavebeendone。Iknowtheyaredoneeveryday。
butIneverwasdone，andIneverwillbe。Thosewhoknowmebest，bestknowit。crushme！Herethefiercegentlemanrangthebellwithgreatviolence，andtoldthewaiterhe’dbetterbringthetoastinfiveseconds，orhe’dknowthereasonwhy。
Mygoodsir，saidMr。Pickwick，youwillallowmetoobservethatthisisaveryunnecessarydisplayofexcitement。Ihaveonlytakenplacesinsidefortwo。
Iamgladtohearit，saidthefierceman。Iwithdrawmyexpressions。
Itenderanapology。There’smycard。Givemeyouracquaintance。
Withgreatpleasure，sir，repliedMr。Pickwick。Wearetobefellowtravellers，andIhopeweshallfindeachother’ssocietymutuallyagreeable。
Ihopeweshall，saidthefiercegentleman。Iknowweshall。Ilikeyourlooks。theypleaseme。Gentlemen，yourhandsandnames。Knowme。
Ofcourse，aninterchangeoffriendlysalutationsfollowedthisgraciousspeech。andthefiercegentlemanimmediatelyproceededtoinformthefriends，inthesameshort，abrupt，jerkingsentences，thathisnamewasDowler。
thathewasgoingtoBathonpleasure。thathewasformerlyinthearmy。
thathehadnowsetupinbusinessasagentleman。thathelivedupontheprofits。andthattheindividualforwhomthesecondplacewastaken，wasapersonagenolessillustriousthanMrs。Dowlerhisladywife。
She’safinewoman，saidMr。Dowler。Iamproudofher。Ihavereason。
IhopeIshallhavethepleasureofjudging，saidMr。Pickwick，withasmile。
Youshall，repliedDowler。Sheshallknowyou。Sheshallesteemyou。
Icourtedherundersingularcircumstances。Iwonherthrougharashvow。
Thus。Isawher。Ilovedher。Iproposed。sherefusedme——`Youloveanother？’——`Sparemyblushes。’——`Iknowhim。’——`Youdo。’——`Verygood。ifheremainshere，I’llskinhim。’
Lordblessme！exclaimedMr。Pickwick，involuntarily。
Didyouskinthegentleman，sir？inquiredMr。Winkle，withaverypaleface。
Iwrotehimanote。Isaiditwasapainfulthing。Andsoitwas。
Certainly，interposedMr。Winkle。
IsaidIhadpledgedmywordasagentlemantoskinhim。Mycharacterwasatstake。Ihadnoalternative。AsanofficerinHisMajesty’sservice，Iwasboundtoskinhim。Iregrettedthenecessity，butitmustbedone。
Hewasopentoconviction。Hesawthattherulesoftheservicewereimperative。
Hefled。Imarriedher。Here’sthecoach。That’sherhead。
AsMr。Dowlerconcluded，hepointedtoastagewhichhadjustdrivenup，fromtheopenwindowofwhicharatherprettyfaceinabrightbluebonnetwaslookingamongthecrowdonthepavement：mostprobablyfortherashmanhimself。Mr。Dowlerpaidhisbillandhurriedoutwithhistravelling-cap，coat，andcloak。andMr。Pickwickandhisfriendsfollowedtosecuretheirplaces。
Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasshadseatedthemselvesatthebackpartofthecoach。Mr。Winklehadgotinside。andMr。Pickwickwaspreparingtofollowhim，whenSamWellercameuptohismaster，andwhisperinginhisear，beggedtospeaktohim，withanairofthedeepestmystery。
Well，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，what’sthematternow？
Here’sraytherarumgo，sir，repliedSam。
What？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Thishere，sir，rejoinedSam。I’mwerymuchafeerd，sir，thattheproprieatoro’thisherecoachisaplayin’someimperencevithus。
Howisthat，Sam？saidMr。Pickwick。aren’tthenamesdownontheway-bill？
Thenamesisnotonlydownonthevay-bill，sir，repliedSam，butthey’vepaintedvunon’emup，onthedooro’thecoach。AsSamspoke，hepointedtothatpartofthecoachdooronwhichtheproprietor’snameusuallyappears。andthere，sureenough，ingiltlettersofagoodlysize，wasthemagicnameofPICKWICK！
Dearme，exclaimedMr。Pickwick，quitestaggeredbythecoincidence。
whataveryextraordinarything！
Yes，butthatain’tall，saidSam，againdirectinghismaster’sattentiontothecoachdoor。notcontentvithwritin’upPickwick，theyputs`Moses’
aforeit，vichIcalladdin’insulttoinjury，astheparrotsaidventheynotonlytookhimfromhisnativeland，butmadehimtalktheEnglishlangwidgearterwards。
It’soddenoughcertainly，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick。butifwestandtalkinghere，weshallloseourplaces。
Wot，ain’tnothin’tobedoneinconsequence，sir？exclaimedSam，perfectlyaghastatthecoolnesswithwhichMr。Pickwickappearedtoensconcehimselfinside。
Done！saidMr。Pickwick。Whatshouldbedone？
Ain’tnobodytobewhoppedfortakin’thishereliberty，sir？saidMr。Weller，whohadexpectedthatatleasthewouldhavebeencommissionedtochallengetheguardandcoachmantoapugilisticencounteronthespot。
Certainlynot，repliedMr。Pickwickeagerly。notonanyaccount。
Jumpuptoyourseatdirectly。
I’mwerymuchafeerd，mutteredSamtohimself，asheturnedaway，thatsomethin’queer’scomeoverthegovernor，orhe’dneverha’stoodthissoquiet。Ihopethat’eretrialhasn’tbrokehisspirit，butitlooksbad，werybad。Mr。Wellershookhisheadgravely。anditisworthyofremark，asanillustrationofthemannerinwhichhetookthiscircumstancetoheart，thathedidnotspeakanotherworduntilthecoachreachedtheKensingtonturnpike。Whichwassolongatimeforhimtoremaintaciturn，thatthefactmaybeconsideredwhollyunprecedented。
Nothingworthyofspecialmentionoccurredduringthejourney。Mr。Dowlerrelatedavarietyofanecdotes，allillustrativeofhisownpersonalprowessanddesperation，andappealedtoMrs。Dowlerincorroborationthereof：
whenMrs。Dowlerinvariablybroughtin，intheformofanappendix，someremarkablefactorcircumstancewhichMr。Dowlerhadforgotten，orhadperhapsthroughmodestyomitted：fortheaddendaineveryinstancewenttoshowthatMr。Dowlerwasevenamorewonderfulfellowthanhemadehimselfouttobe。Mr。PickwickandMr。Winklelistenedwithgreatadmiration，andatintervalsconversedwithMrs。Dowler，whowasaveryagreeableandfascinatingperson。So，whatbetweenMr。Dowler’sstories，andMrs。Dowler’scharms，andMr。Pickwick’sgoodhumour，andMr。Winkle’sgoodlistening，theinsidescontrivedtobeverycompanionablealltheway。
Theoutsidesdidasoutsidesalwaysdo。Theywereverycheerfulandtalkativeatthebeginningofeverystage，andverydismalandsleepyinthemiddle，andverybrightandwakefulagaintowardstheend。TherewasoneyounggentlemaninanIndia-rubbercloak，whosmokedcigarsallday。
andtherewasanotheryounggentlemaninaparodyuponagreatcoat，wholightedagoodmany，andfeelingobviouslyunsettledafterthesecondwhiff，threwthemawaywhenhethoughtnobodywaslookingathim。Therewasathirdyoungmanontheboxwhowishedtobelearnedincattle。andanoldonebehind，whowasfamiliarwithfarming。TherewasaconstantsuccessionofChristiannamesinsmockfrocksandwhitecoats，whowereinvitedtohavealiftbytheguard，andwhokneweveryhorseandhostlerontheroadandoffit。andtherewasadinnerwhichwouldhavebeencheapathalf-a-crownamouth，ifanymoderatenumberofmouthscouldhaveeatenitinthetime。Andatseveno’clockP。M。，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriends，andMr。Dowlerandhiswife，respectivelyretiredtotheirprivatesitting-roomsattheWhiteHarthotel，oppositetheGreatPumpRoom，Bath，wherethewaiters，fromtheircostume，mightbemistakenforWestminsterboys，onlytheydestroytheillusionbybehavingthemselvesmuchbetter。
Breakfasthadscarcelybeenclearedawayonthesucceedingmorning，whenawaiterbroughtinMr。Dowler’scard，witharequesttobeallowedpermissiontointroduceafriend。Mr。Dowleratoncefollowedupthedeliveryofthecard，bybringinghimselfandthefriendalso。
Thefriendwasacharmingyoungmanofnotmuchmorethanfifty，dressedinaverybrightbluecoatwithresplendentbuttons，blacktrousers，andthethinnestpossiblepairofhighly-polishedboots。Agoldeye-glasswassuspendedfromhisneckbyashortbroadblackribbon。agoldsnuffboxwaslightlyclaspedinhislefthand。goldringsinnumerableglitteredonhisfingers。andalargediamondpinsetingoldglistenedinhisshirtfrill。Hehadagoldwatch，andagoldcurbchainwithlargegoldseals。
andhecarriedapliantebonycanewithaheavygoldtop。Hislinenwasoftheverywhitest，finest，andstiffest。hiswigoftheglossiest，blackest，andcurliest。Hissnuffwasprinces’mixture。hisscentbouquetduroi。
Hisfeatureswerecontractedintoaperpetualsmile。andhisteethwereinsuchperfectorderthatitwasdifficultatasmalldistancetotelltherealfromthefalse。
Mr。Pickwick，saidMr。Dowler。myfriend，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。Bantam。Mr。Pickwick。Knoweachother。
WelcometoBa——ath，sir。Thisisindeedanacquisition。MostwelcometoBa——ath，sir。Itislong——verylong，Mr。Pickwick，sinceyoudrankthewaters。Itappearsanage，Mr。Pickwick。Re——markable！
SuchweretheexpressionswithwhichAngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。，tookMr。Pickwick’shand。retainingitinhis，meantime，andshrugginguphisshoulderswithaconstantsuccessionofbows，asifhereallycouldnotmakeup-hismindtothetrialoflettingitgoagain。
ItisaverylongtimesinceIdrankthewaters，certainly，repliedMr。Pickwick。fortothebestofmyknowledge，Iwasneverherebefore。
NeverinBa——ath，Mr。Pickwick！exclaimedtheGrandMaster，lettingthehandfallinastonishment。NeverinBa——ath！He！he！Mr。Pickwick，youareawag。Notbad，notbad。Good，good。He！he！he！Re——markable！
Tomyshame，ImustsaythatIamperfectlyserious，rejoinedMr。
Pickwick。Ireallyneverwasherebefore。
Oh，Isee，exclaimedtheGrandMaster，lookingextremelypleased：
Yes，yes——good，good——betterandbetter。Youarethegentlemanofwhomwehaveheard。Yes。weknowyou，Mr。Pickwick。weknowyou。
Thereportsofthetrialinthoseconfoundedpapers，thoughtMr。Pickwick。
Theyhaveheardallaboutme。
YouarethegentlemanresidingonClaphamGreen，resumedBantam，wholosttheuseofhislimbsfromimprudentlytakingcoldafterportwine。
whocouldnotbemovedinconsequenceofacutesuffering，andwhohadthewaterfromtheKing’sBathbottledatonehundredandthreedegrees，andsentbywaggontohisbed-roomintown，wherehebathed，sneezed，andsamedayrecovered。Veryre-markable！
Mr。Pickwickacknowledgedthecomplimentwhichthesuppositionimplied，buthadtheself-denialtorepudiateit，notwithstanding。andtakingadvantageofamoment’ssilenceonthepartoftheM。C。，beggedtointroducehisfriends，Mr。Tupman，Mr。Winkle，andMr。Snodgrass。AnintroductionwhichoverwhelmedtheM。C。withdelightandhonour。
Bantam，saidMr。Dowler，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriendsarestrangers。
Theymustputtheirnamesdown。Where’sthebook？
TheregisterofthedistinguishedvisitorsinBa——athwillbeatthePumpRoomthismorningattwoo’clock，repliedtheM。C。Willyouguideourfriendstothatsplendidbuilding，andenablemetoprocuretheirautographs？
Iwill，rejoinedDowler。Thisisalongcall。It’stimetogo。I
shallbehereagaininanhour。Come。
Thisisaball-night，saidtheM。C。，againtakingMr。Pickwick’shand，asherosetogo。Theball-nightsinBa——atharemomentssnatchedfromParadise。renderedbewitchingbymusic，beauty，elegance，fashion，etiquette，and——and——aboveall，bytheabsenceoftradespeople，whoarequiteinconsistentwithParadise。andwhohaveanamalgamationofthemselvesattheGuildhalleveryfortnight，whichis，tosaytheleast，remarkable。Goodbye，goodbye！andprotestingallthewaydown-stairsthathewasmostsatisfied，andmostdelighted，andmostoverpowered，andmostflattered，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，M。C。，steppedintoaveryelegantchariotthatwaitedatthedoor，andrattledoff。
Attheappointedhour，Mr。Pickwickandhisfriends，escortedbyDowler，repairedtotheAssemblyRooms，andwrotetheirnamesdowninabook。AninstanceofcondescensionatwhichAngeloBantamwasevenmoreoverpoweredthanbefore。Ticketsofadmissiontothatevening’sassemblyweretohavebeenpreparedforthewholeparty，butastheywerenotready，Mr。Pickwickundertook，despitealltheprotestationstothecontraryofAngeloBantam，tosendSamforthematfouro’clockintheafternoon，totheM。C。’shouseinQueenSquare。Havingtakenashortwalkthroughthecity，andarrivedattheunanimousconclusionthatParkStreetwasverymuchliketheperpendicularstreetamanseesinadream，whichhecannotgetupforthelifeofhim，theyreturnedtotheWhiteHart，anddespatchedSamontheerrandtowhichhismasterhadpledgedhim。
SamWellerputonhishatinaveryeasyandgracefulmanner，andthrustinghishandsinhiswaistcoatpockets，walkedwithgreatdeliberationtoQueenSquare，whistlingashewentalong，severalofthemostpopularairsoftheday，asarrangedwithentirelynewmovementsforthatnobleinstrumenttheorgan，eithermouthorbarrel。ArrivingatthenumberinQueenSquaretowhichhehadbeendirected，heleftoffwhistling，andgaveacheerfulknock，whichwasinstantaneouslyansweredbyapowdered-headedfootmaningorgeouslivery，andofsymmetricalstature。
IsthishereMr。Bantam’s，oldfeller？inquiredSamWeller，nothingabashedbytheblazeofsplendourwhichburstuponhissight，inthepersonofthepowdered-headedfootmanwiththegorgeouslivery。
Why，youngman？wasthehaughtyinquiryofthepowdered-headedfootman。
’Cosifitis，jistyoustepintohimwiththat’erecard，andsayMr。Veller’sawaitin’，willyou？saidSam。Andsayingit，heverycoollywalkedintothehall，andsatdown。Thepowdered-headedfootmanslammedthedoorveryhard，andscowledverygrandly。butboththeslamandthescowlwerelostuponSam，whowasregardingamahoganyumbrellastandwitheveryoutwardtokenofcriticalapproval。
Apparently，hismaster’sreceptionofthecardhadimpressedthepowdered-headedfootmaninSam’sfavour，forwhenhecamebackfromdeliveringit，hesmiledinafriendlymanner，andsaidthattheanswerwouldbereadydirectly。
Werygood，saidSam。Telltheoldgen’l’m’nnottoputhimselfinaperspiration。Nohurry，six-foot。I’vehadmydinner。
Youdineearly，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。
IfindsIgetsonbetteratsupperwhenIdoes，repliedSam。
HaveyoubeenlonginBath，sir？inquiredthepowdered-headedfootman。
Ihavenothadthepleasureofhearingofyoubefore。
Ihaven’tcreatedanywerysurprisin’sensationhere，asyet，rejoinedSam，formeandtheotherfash’nablesonlycomelastnight。
Niceplace，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。
Seemsso，observedSam。
Pleasantsociety，sir，remarkedthepowdered-headedfootman。Veryagreeableservants，sir。
Ishouldthinktheywos，repliedSam。Affable，unaffected，say-nothin’-to-nobodysorto’fellers。
Oh，verymuchso，indeed，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman，takingSam’sremarkasahighcompliment。Verymuchsoindeed。Doyoudoanythinginthisway，sir？inquiredthetallfootman，producingasmallsnuff-boxwithafox’sheadonthetopofit。
Notwithoutsneezing，repliedSam。
Why，itisdifficult，sir，Iconfess，saidthetallfootman。
Itmaybedonebydegrees，sir。Coffeeisthebestpractice。Icarriedcoffee，sir，foralongtime。Itlooksverylikerappee，sir。
Here，asharppullatthebell，reducedthepowdered-headedfootmantotheignominiousnecessityofputtingthefox’sheadinhispocket，andhasteningwithahumblecountenancetoMr。Bantam’sstudy。Bytheby，whoeverknewamanwhoneverreadorwroteeither，whohadn’tgotsomesmallbackparlourwhichhewouldcallastudy！
Thereistheanswer，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman。Iamafraidyou’llfinditinconvenientlylarge。
Don’tmentionit，saidSam，takingaletterwithasmallenclosure。
It’sjustpossibleasexhaustednaturemaymanagetosurwiveit。
Ihopeweshallmeetagain，sir，saidthepowdered-headedfootman，rubbinghishands，andfollowingSamouttothedoor-step。
Youareweryobligin’，sir，repliedSam。Now，don’tallowyourselftobefatiguedbeyondyourpowers。there’saamiablebein’。Considerwhatyouowetosociety，anddon’tletyourselfbeinjuredbytoomuchwork。
Forthesakeo’yourfellercreeturs，keepyourselfasquietasyoucan。
onlythinkwhatalossyouwouldbe！withthesepatheticwords，SamWellerdeparted。
Averysingularyoungmanthat，saidthepowderedheadedfootman，lookingafterMr。Weller，withacountenancewhichclearlyshowedhecouldmakenothingofhim。
Samsaidnothingatall。Hewinked，shookhishead，smiledwinkedagain。
andwithanexpressionofcountenancewhiclseemedtodenotethathewasgreatlyamusedwithsomethingorother，walkedmerrilyaway。
Atpreciselytwentyminutesbeforeeighto’clockthatnight，AngeloCyrusBantam，Esq。，theMasteroftheCeremonies，emergedfromhischariotatthedooroftheAssemblyRoomsinthesamewig，thesameteeth，thesameeye-glass，thesamewatchandseals，thesamerings，thesameshirt-pin，andthesamecane。Theonlyobservablealterationsinhisappearancewere，thatheworeabrighterbluecoat，withawhitesilklining：blacktights，blacksilkstockings，andpumps，andawhitewaistcoat，andwas，ifpossible，justathoughtmorescented。
Thusattired，theMasteroftheCeremonies，instrictdischargeoftheimportantdutiesofhisall-importantoffice，plantedhimselfintheroomstoreceivethecompany。
Bathbeingfull，thecompanyandthesixpencesfortea，pouredin，inshoals。Intheball-room，thelongcard-room，theoctagonalcard-room，thestaircases，andthepassages，thehumofmanyvoices，andthesoundofmanyfeet，wereperfectlybewildering。Dressesrustled，featherswaved，lightsshone，andjewelssparkled。Therewasthemusic——notofthequadrilleband，forithadnotyetcommenced。butthemusicofsofttinyfootsteps，withnowandthenaclearmerrylaugh——lowandgentle，butverypleasanttohearinafemalevoice，whetherinBathorelsewhere。Brillianteyes，lightedupwithpleasurableexpectation，gleamedfromeveryside。andlookwhereyouwould，someexquisiteformglidedgracefullythroughthethrong，andwasnosoonerlost，thanitwasreplacedbyanotherasdaintyandbewitching。
Inthetea-room，andhoveringroundthecard-tables，wereavastnumberofqueeroldladiesanddecrepitoldgentlemen，discussingallthesmalltalkandscandaloftheday，witharelishandgustowhichsufficientlybespoketheintensityofthepleasuretheyderivedfromtheoccupation。
Mingledwiththesegroups，werethreeorfourmatchmakingmammas，appearingtobewhollyabsorbedbytheconversationinwhichtheyweretakingpart，butfailingnotfromtimetotimetocastananxioussidelongglanceupontheirdaughters，who，rememberingthematernalinjunctiontomakethebestuseoftheiryouth，hadalreadycommencedincipientflirtationsinthemislayingofscarves，puttingongloves，settingdowncups，andsoforth。
slightmattersapparently，butwhichmaybeturnedtosurprisinglygoodaccountbyexpertpractitioners。
Loungingnearthedoors，andinremotecorners，werevariousknotsofsillyyoungmen，displayingvariousvarietiesofpuppyismandstupidity。
amusingallsensiblepeoplenearthemwiththeirfollyandconceit。andhappilythinkingthemselvestheobjectsofgeneraladmiration。Awiseandmercifuldispensationwhichnogoodmanwillquarrelwith。
Andlastly，seatedonsomeofthebackbenches，wheretheyhadalreadytakenuptheirpositionsfortheevening，werediversunmarriedladiespasttheirgrandclimacteric，who，notdancingbecausetherewerenopartnersforthem，andnotplayingcardslesttheyshouldbesetdownasirretrievablysingle，wereinthefavourablesituationofbeingabletoabuseeverybodywithoutreflectingonthemselves。Inshort，theycouldabuseeverybody，becauseeverybodywasthere。Itwasasceneofgaiety，glitter，andshow。
ofrichly-dressedpeople，handsomemirrors，chalkedfloors，girandoles，andwax-candles。andinallpartsofthescene，glidingfromspottospotinsilentsoftness，bowingobsequiouslytothisparty，noddingfamiliarlytothat，andsmilingcomplacentlyonall，wasthesprucelyattiredpersonofAngeloCyrusBantam，Esquire，MasteroftheCeremonies。
Stopinthetea-room。Takeyoursixpenn’orth。Theylayonhotwater，andcallittea。Drinkit，saidMr。Dowler，inaloudvoice，directingMr。Pickwick，whoadvancedattheheadofthelittleparty，withMrs。Dowleronhisarm。Intothetea-roomMr。Pickwickturned。andcatchingsightofhim，Mr。Bantamcorkscrewedhiswaythroughthecrowd，andwelcomedhimwithecstasy。
Mydearsir，Iamhighlyhonoured。Ba——athisfavoured。Mrs。Dowler，youembellishtherooms。Icongratulateyouonyourfeathers。Re——markable！
Anybodyhere？inquiredDowler，suspiciously。
Anybody！TheeliteofBa——ath。Mr。Pickwick，doyouseetheladyinthegauzeturban？
Thefatoldlady？inquiredMr。Pickwick，innocently。
Hush，mydearsir——nobody’sfatoroldinBa——ath。That’stheDowagerLadySnuphanuph。
Isitindeed？saidMr。Pickwick。
Nolessaperson，Iassureyou，saidtheMasteroftheCeremonies。
Hush。Drawalittlenearer，Mr。Pickwick。Youseethesplendidlydressedyoungmancomingthisway？
Theonewiththelonghair，andtheparticularlysmallforehead？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Thesame。TherichestyoungmaninBa——athatthismoment。YoungLordMutanhed。
Youdon’tsayso？saidMr。Pickwick。
Yes。You’llhearhisvoiceinamoment，Mr。Pickwick。He’llspeaktome。Theothergentlemanwithhim，intheredunderwaistcoatanddarkmoustache，istheHonourableMr。Crushton，hisbosomfriend，Howdoyoudo，mylord？
Vewayhot，Bantam，saidhislordship。
Itisverywarm，mylord，repliedtheM。C。
Confounded，assentedtheHonourableMr。Crushton。
Haveyouseenhislordship’smailcart，Bantam？inquiredtheHonourableMr。Crushton，afterashortpause，duringwhichyoungLordMutanhedhadbeenendeavouringtostareMr。Pickwickoutofcountenance，andMr。Crushtonhadbeenreflectingwhatsubjecthislordshipcouldtalkaboutbest。
Dearme，no，repliedtheM。C。Amailcart！Whatanexcellentidea。
Re——markable！
Gwaciousheavens！saidhislordship，Ithoughtevewebodyhadseenthenewmailcart。it’stheneatest，pwettiest，gwacefullestthingthateverwanuponwheels。Paintedwed，withacweampiebald。
Witharealboxfortheletters，andallcomplete，saidtheHonourableMr。Crushton。
Andalittleseatinfwont，withaniwonwail，forthedwiver，addedhislordship。IdwoveitovertoBwistoltheothermorning，inacwimsoncoat，withtwoservantswidingaquarterofamilebehind。andconfoundmeifthepeopledidn’twushoutoftheircottages，andawestmypwogwess，toknowifIwasn’tthepost。Glorwious，glorwious！
Atthisanecdotehislordshiplaughedveryheartily，asdidthelisteners，ofcourse。Then，drawinghisarmthroughthatoftheobsequiousMr。Crushton，LordMutanhedwalkedaway。
Delightfulyoungman，hislordship，saidtheMasteroftheCeremonies。
SoIshouldthink，rejoinedMr。Pickwick，drily。
Thedancinghavingcommenced，thenecessaryintroductionshavingbeenmade，andallpreliminariesarranged，AngeloBantamrejoinedMr。Pickwick，andledhimintothecard-room。
Justattheverymomentoftheirentrance，theDowagerLadySnuphanuphandtwootherladiesofanancientandwhist-likeappearance，werehoveringoveranunoccupiedcard-table。andtheynosoonerseteyesuponMr。PickwickundertheconvoyofAngeloBantam，thantheyexchangedglanceswitheachother，seeingthathewaspreciselytheverypersontheywanted，tomakeuptherubber。
MydearBantam，saidtheDowagerLadySnuphanuph，coaxingly，findussomenicecreaturetomakeupthistable。there’sagoodsoul。Mr。
Pickwickhappenedtobelookinganotherwayatthemoment，soherladyshipnoddedherheadtowardshim，andfrownedexpressively。
MyfriendMr。Pickwick，mylady，willbemosthappy，Iamsure，re——markablyso，saidtheM。C。，takingthehint。Mr。Pickwick，LadySnuphanuph——Mrs。
ColonelWugsby——MissBolo。
Mr。Pickwickbowedtoeachoftheladies，and，findingescapeimpossible，cut。Mr。PickwickandMissBoloagainstLadySnuphanuphandMrs。ColonelWugsby。
Asthetrumpcardwasturnedup，atthecommencementoftheseconddeal，twoyoungladieshurriedintotheroom，andtooktheirstationsoneithersideofMrs。ColonelWugsby’schair，wheretheywaitedpatientlyuntilthehandwasover。
Now，Jane，saidMrs。ColonelWugsby，turningtooneofthegirls，whatisit？
Icametoask，ma，whetherImightdancewiththeyoungestMr。Crawley，
whisperedtheprettierandyoungerofthetwo。
GoodGod，Jane，howcanyouthinkofsuchthings？repliedthemamma。
indignantly。Haven’tyourepeatedlyheardthathisfatherhaseighthundreda-year，whichdieswithhim？Iamashamedofyou。Notonanyaccount。
Ma，whisperedtheother，whowasmucholderthanhersister，andveryinsipidandartificial，LordMutanhedhasbeenintroducedtome。IsaidIthoughtIwasn’tengaged，ma。
You’reasweetpet，mylove，repliedMrs。ColonelWugsby，tappingherdaughter’scheekwithherfan，andarealwaystobetrusted。he’simmenselyrich，mydear。Blessyou！WiththesewordsMrs。ColonelWugsbykissedhereldestdaughtermostaffectionately，andfrowninginawarningmannerupontheother，sortedhercards。
PoorMr。Pickwick！hehadneverplayedwiththreethorough-pacedfemalecard-playersbefore。Theyweresodesperatelysharp，thattheyquitefrightenedhim。Ifheplayedawrongcard，MissBololookedasmallarmouryofdaggers。
ifhestoppedtoconsiderwhichwastherightone，LadySnuphanuphwouldthrowherselfbackinherchair，andsmilewithamingledglanceofimpatienceandpitytoMrs。ColonelWugsby。atwhichMrs。ColonelWugsbywouldshruguphershoulders，andcough，asmuchastosayshewonderedwhetherheeverwouldbegin。Then，attheendofeveryhand，MissBolowouldinquirewithadismalcountenanceandreproachfulsigh，whyMr。Pickwickhadnotreturnedthatdiamond，orledtheclub，orroughedthespade，orfinessedtheheart，orledthroughthehonour，orbroughtouttheace，orplayeduptotheking，orsomesuchthing。andinreplytoallthesegravecharges，Mr。Pickwickwouldbewhollyunabletopleadanyjustificationwhatever，havingbythistimeforgottenallaboutthegame。Peoplecameandlookedon，too，whichmadeMr。Pickwicknervous。Besidesallthis，therewasagreatdealofdistractingconversationnearthetable，betweenAngeloBantamandthetwoMissMatinters，who，beingsingleandsingular，paidgreatcourttotheMasteroftheCeremonies，inthehopeofgettingastraypartnernowandthen。Allthesethings，combinedwiththenoisesandinterruptionsofconstantcomingsinandgoingsout，madeMr。Pickwickplayratherbadly。
thecardswereagainsthim，also。andwhentheyleftoffattenminutespasteleven，MissBolorosefromthetableconsiderablyagitated，andwentstraighthome，inafloodoftears，andasedan-chair。
Beingjoinedbyhisfriends，whooneandallprotestedthattheyhadscarcelyeverspentamorepleasantevening，Mr。PickwickaccompaniedthemtotheWhiteHart，andhavingsoothedhisfeelingswithsomethinghot，wenttobed，andtosleep，almostsimultaneously。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter36[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXVITHECHIEFFEATURESOFWHICH，WILLBEFOUNDTOBE
ANAUTHENTICVERSIONOFTHELEGENDOFPRINCEBLADUD，ANDAMOSTEXTRAORDINARY
CALAMITYTHATBEFELLMR。WINKLE
AsMr。PickwickcontemplatedastayofatleasttwomonthsinBath，hedeemeditadvisabletotakeprivatelodgingsforhimselfandfriendsforthatperiod。andasafavourableopportunityofferedfortheirsecuring，onmoderateterms，theupperportionofahouseintheRoyalCrescent，whichwaslargerthantheyrequired，Mr。andMrs。Dowlerofferedtorelievethemofabed-roomandsitting-room。Thispropositionwasatonceaccepted，andinthreedays’timetheywerealllocatedintheirnewabode，whenMr。Pickwickbegantodrinkthewaterswiththeutmostassiduity。Mr。Pickwicktookthemsystematically。Hedrankaquarterofapintbeforebreakfast，andthenwalkedupahill。andanotherquarterofapintafterbreakfast，andthenwalkeddownahill。andaftereveryfreshquarterofapint，Mr。
Pickwickdeclared，inthemostsolemnandemphaticterms，thathefeltagreatdealbetter：whereathisfriendswereverymuchdelighted，thoughtheyhadnotbeenpreviouslyawarethattherewasanythingthematterwithhim。
Thegreatpump-roomisaspacioussaloon，ornamentedwithCorinthianpillars，andamusicgallery，andaTompionclock，andastatueofNash，andagoldeninscription，towhichallthewater-drinkersshouldattend，foritappealstotheminthecauseofadeservingcharity。Thereisalargebarwithamarblevase，outofwhichthepumpergetsthewater。andthereareanumberofyellow-lookingtumblers，outofwhichthecompanygetit。anditisamostedifyingandsatisfactorysighttobeholdtheperseveranceandgravitywithwhichtheyswallowit。Therearebathsnearathand，inwhichapartofthecompanywashthemselves。andabandplaysafterwards，tocongratulatetheremainderontheirhavingdoneso。Thereisanotherpump-room，intowhichinfirmladiesandgentlemenarewheeled，insuchanastonishingvarietyofchairsandchaises，thatanyadventurousindividualwhogoesinwiththeregularnumberoftoes，isinimminentdangerofcomingoutwithoutthem。andthereisathird，intowhichthequietpeoplego，foritislessnoisythaneither。Thereisanimmensityofpromenading，oncrutchesandoff，withsticksandwithout，andagreatdealofconversation，andliveliness，andpleasantry。
Everymorning，theregularwater-drinkers，Mr。Pickwickamongthenumber，meteachotherinthepump-room，tooktheirquarterofapint，andwalkedconstitutionally。Attheafternoon’spromenade，LordMutanhed，andtheHonourableMr。Crushton，theDowagerLadySnuphanuph，Mrs。ColonelWugsby，andallthegreatpeople，andallthemorningwater-drinkers，metingrandassemblage。Afterthis，theywalkedout，ordroveout，orwerepushedoutinbathchairs，andmetoneanotheragain。Afterthis，thegentlemenwenttothereading-roomsandmetdivisionsofthemass。Afterthis，theywenthome。Ifitweretheatrenight，perhapstheymetatthetheatre。ifitwereassemblynight，theymetattherooms。andifitwereneither，theymetthenextday。Averypleasantroutine，withperhapsaslighttingeofsameness。
Mr。Pickwickwassittingupbyhimself，afteradayspentinthismanner，makingentriesinhisjournal：hisfriendshavingretiredtobed：whenhewasrousedbyagentletapattheroomdoor。
Begyourpardon，sir，saidMrs。Craddock，thelandlady，peepingin。
butdidyouwantanythingmore，sir？
Nothingmore，ma’am，repliedMr。Pickwick。
Myyounggirlisgonetobed，sir，saidMrs。Craddock。andMr。Dowlerisgoodenoughtosaythathe’llsitupforMrs。Dowler，asthepartyisn’texpectedtobeovertilllate。soIwasthinkingifyouwantednothingmore，Mr。Pickwick，Iwouldgotobed。
Byallmeans，ma’am，repliedMr。Pickwick。
Wishyougoodnight，sir，saidMrs。Craddock。
Goodnight，ma’am，rejoinedMr。Pickwick。
Mrs。Craddockclosedthedoor，andMr。Pickwickresumedhiswriting。
Inhalfanhour’stimetheentrieswereconcluded。Mr。Pickwickcarefullyrubbedthelastpageontheblotting-paper，shutupthebook，wipedhispenonthebottomoftheinsideofhiscoattail，andopenedthedraweroftheinkstandtoputitcarefullyaway。Therewereacoupleofsheetsofwriting-paper，prettycloselywrittenover，intheinkstanddrawer，andtheywerefoldedso，thatthetitle，whichwasinagoodroundhand，wasfullydisclosedtohim。Seeingfromthis，thatitwasnoprivatedocument：
andasitseemedtorelatetoBath，andwasveryshort：Mr。Pickwickunfoldedit，lightedhisbed-roomcandlethatitmightburnupwellbythetimehefinished。anddrawinghischairnearerthefire，readasfollows：THETRUELEGENDOFPRINCEBLADUD
Lessthantwohundredyearsago，ononeofthepublicbathsinthiscity，thereappearedaninscriptioninhonourofitsmightyfounder，therenownedPrinceBladud。Thatinscriptionisnowerased。
Formanyhundredyearsbeforethattime，therehadbeenhandeddown，fromagetoage，anoldlegend，thattheillustriousPrincebeingafflictedwithleprosy，onhisreturnfromreapingarichharvestofknowledgeinAthens，shunnedthecourtofhisroyalfather，andconsortedmoodilywithhusband-menandpigs。Amongtheherdsosaidthelegendwasapigofgraveandsolemncountenance，withwhomthePrincehadafellowfeeling——forhetoowaswise——apigofthoughtfulandreserveddemeanour。ananimalsuperiortohisfellows，whosegruntwasterrible，andwhosebitewassharp。
TheyoungPrincesigheddeeplyashelookeduponthecountenanceofthemajesticswine。hethoughtofhisroyalfather，andhiseyeswerebedewedwithtears。
Thissagaciouspigwasfondofbathinginrich，moistmud。Notinsummer，ascommonpigsdo，now，tocoolthemselves，anddideveninthosedistantageswhichisaproofthatthelightofcivilisationhadalreadybeguntodawn，thoughfeebly，butinthecoldsharpdaysofwinter。Hiscoatwaseversosleek，andhiscomplexionsoclear，thatthePrinceresolvedtoessaythepurifyingqualitiesofthesamewaterthathisfriendresortedto。Hemadethetrial。Beneaththatblackmud，bubbledthehotspringsofBath。Hewashed，andwascured。Hasteningtohisfather’scourt，hepaidhisbestrespects，andreturningquicklyhither，foundedthiscity，anditsfamousbaths。
Hesoughtthepigwithalltheardouroftheirearlyfriendship——but，alas！thewatershadbeenhisdeath。Hehadimprudentlytakenabathattoohighatemperature，andthenaturalphilosopherwasnomore！HewassucceededbyPliny，whoalsofellavictimtohisthirstforknowledge。
Thiswasthelegend。Listentothetrueone。
Agreatmanycenturiessince，thereflourished，ingreatstate，thefamousandrenownedLudHudibras，kingofBritain。Hewasamightymonarch。
Theearthshookwhenhewalked。hewassoverystout。Hispeoplebaskedinthelightofhiscountenance：itwassoredandglowing。Hewas，indeed，everyinchaking。Andtherewereagoodmanyinchesofhimtoo，foralthoughhewasnotverytall，hewasaremarkablesizeround，andtheinchesthathewantedinheight，hemadeupincircumference。Ifanydegeneratemonarchofmoderntimescouldbeinanywaycomparedwithhim，IshouldsaythevenerableKingColewouldbethatillustriouspotentate。
Thisgoodkinghadaqueen，whoeighteenyearsbefore，hadhadason，whowascalledBladud。Hewassenttoapreparatoryseminaryinhisfather’sdominionsuntilhewastenyearsold，andwasthendispatched，inchargeofatrustymessenger，toafinishingschoolatAthens。andastherewasnoextrachargeforremainingduringtheholidays，andnonoticerequiredprevioustotheremovalofapupil，thereheremainedforeightlongyears，attheexpirationofwhichtime，thekinghisfathersentthelordchamberlainover，tosettlethebill，andtobringhimhome。which，thelordchamberlaindoing，wasreceivedwithshouts，andpensionedimmediately。
WhenKingLudsawthePrincehisson，andfoundhehadgrownupsuchafineyoungman，heperceivedatoncewhatagrandthingitwouldbetohavehimmarriedwithoutdelay，sothathischildrenmightbethemeansofperpetuatingthegloriousraceofLud，downtotheverylatestagesoftheworld。Withthisview，hesentaspecialembassy，composedofgreatnoblemenwhohadnothingparticulartodo，andwantedlucrativeemployment，toaneighbouringking，anddemandedhisfairdaughterinmarriageforhisson。statingatthesametimethathewasanxioustobeonthemostaffectionatetermswithhisbrotherandfriend，butthatiftheycouldn’tagreeinarrangingthismarriage，heshouldbeundertheunpleasantnecessityofinvadinghiskingdom，andputtinghiseyesout。Tothis，theotherkingwhowastheweakerofthetworeplied，thathewasverymuchobligedtohisfriendandbrotherforallhisgoodnessandmagnanimity，andthathisdaughterwasquitereadytobemarried，wheneverPrinceBladudlikedtocomeandfetchher。
ThisanswernosoonerreachedBritain，thanthewholenationweretransportedwithjoy。Nothingwasheard，onallsides，butthesoundsoffeastingandrevelry，——exceptthechinkingofmoneyasitwaspaidinbythepeopletothecollectoroftheRoyalTreasures，todefraytheexpensesofthehappyceremony。ItwasuponthisoccasionthatKingLud，seatedonthetopofhisthroneinfullcouncil，rose，intheexuberanceofhisfeelings，andcommandedthelordchiefjusticetoorderintherichestwinesandthecourtminstrels：anactofgraciousnesswhichhasbeen，throughtheignoranceoftraditionaryhistorians，attributedtoKingCole，inthosecelebratedlinesinwhichhismajestyisrepresentedasCallingforhispipe，andcallingforhispot，Andcallingforhisfiddlersthree。
WhichisanobviousinjusticetothememoryofKingLud，andadishonestexaltationofthevirtuesofKingCole。
But，inthemidstofallthisfestivityandrejoicing，therewasoneindividualpresent，whotastednotwhenthesparklingwineswerepouredforth，andwhodancednot，whentheminstrelsplayed。ThiswasnootherthanPrinceBladudhimself，inhonourofwhosehappinessawholepeoplewereatthatverymoment，strainingaliketheirthroatsandpursestrings。
Thetruthwas，thatthePrince，forgettingtheundoubtedrightoftheministerforforeignaffairstofallinloveonhisbehalf，had，contrarytoeveryprecedentofpolicyanddiplomacy，alreadyfalleninloveonhisownaccount，andprivatelycontractedhimselfuntothefairdaughterofanobleAthenian。
Herewehaveastrikingexampleofoneofthemanifoldadvantagesofcivilisationandrefinement。IfthePrincehadlivedinlaterdays，hemightatoncehavemarriedtheobjectofhisfather’schoice，andthensethimselfseriouslytowork，torelievehimselfoftheburdenwhichrestedheavilyuponhim。Hemighthaveendeavouredtobreakherheartbyasystematiccourseofinsultandneglect。or，ifthespiritofhersex，andaproudconsciousnessofhermanywrongshadupheldherunderthisilltreatment，hemighthavesoughttotakeherlife，andsogetridofhereffectually。
ButneithermodeofreliefsuggesteditselftoPrinceBladud。sohesolicitedaprivateaudience，andtoldhisfather。
Itisanoldprerogativeofkingstogoverneverythingbuttheirpassions。
KingLudflewintoafrightfulrage，tossedhiscrownuptotheceiling，andcaughtitagain——forinthosedayskingskepttheircrownsontheirheads，andnotintheTower——stampedtheground，rappedhisforehead，wonderedwhyhisownfleshandbloodrebelledagainsthim，and，finally，callinginhisguards，orderedthePrinceawaytoinstantconfinementinaloftyturret。acourseoftreatmentwhichthekingsofoldverygenerallypursuedtowardstheirsons，whentheirmatrimonialinclinationsdidnothappentopointtothesamequarterastheirown。
WhenPrinceBladudhadbeenshutupintheloftyturretforthegreaterpartofayear，withnobetterprospectbeforehisbodilyeyesthanastonewall，orbeforehismentalvisionthanprolongedimprisonment，henaturallybegantoruminateonaplanofescape，which，aftermonthsofpreparation，hemanagedtoaccomplish。consideratelyleavinghisdinnerknifeintheheartofhisgaoler，lestthepoorfellowwhohadafamilyshouldbeconsideredprivytohisflight，andpunishedaccordinglybytheinfuriatedking。
Themonarchwasfranticatthelossofhisson。Heknewnotonwhomtoventhisgriefandwrath，untilfortunatelybethinkinghimselfoftheLordChamberlainwhohadbroughthimhome，hestruckoffhispensionandhisheadtogether。
Meanwhile，theyoungPrince，effectuallydisguised，wanderedonfootthroughhisfather’sdominions，cheeredandsupportedinallhishardshipsbysweetthoughtsoftheAthenianmaid，whowastheinnocentcauseofhiswearytrials。Onedayhestoppedtorestinacountryvillage。andseeingthatthereweregaydancesgoingforwardonthegreen，andgayfacespassingtoandfro，venturedtoinquireofarevellerwhostoodnearhim，thereasonforthisrejoicing。
`Knowyounot，Ostranger，’wasthereply，`oftherecentproclamationofourgraciousking？’
`Proclamation！No。Whatproclamation？’rejoinedthePrince——forhehadtravelledalongthebyeandlittle-frequentedways，andknewnothingofwhathadpasseduponthepublicroads，suchastheywere。
`Why，’repliedthepeasant，`theforeignladythatourPrincewishedtowed，ismarriedtoaforeignnobleofherowncountry。andthekingproclaimsthefact，andagreatpublicfestivalbesides。fornow，ofcourse，PrinceBladudwillcomebackandmarrytheladyhisfatherchose，whotheysayisasbeautifulasthenoondaysun。Yourhealth，sir。Godsavetheking！’
ThePrinceremainedtohearnomore。Hefledfromthespot，andplungedintothethickestrecessesofaneighbouringwood。On，on，hewandered，nightandday：beneaththeblazingsun，andthecoldpalemoon：throughthedryheatofnoon，andthedampcoldofnight：inthegreylightofmorn，andtheredglareofeve。Soheedlesswasheoftimeorobject，thatbeingboundforAthens，hewanderedasfaroutofhiswayasBath。
TherewasnocitywhereBathstands，then。Therewasnovestigeofhumanhabitation，orsignofman’sresort，tobearthename。buttherewasthesamenoblecountry，thesamebroadexpanseofhillanddale，thesamebeautifulchannelstealingon，faraway：thesameloftymountainswhich，likethetroublesoflife，viewedatadistance，andpartiallyobscuredbythebrightmistofitsmorning，losetheirruggednessandasperity，andseemalleaseandsoftness。Movedbythegentlebeautyofthescene，thePrincesankuponthegreenturf，andbathedhisswollenfeetinhistears。
`Oh！’saidtheunhappyBladud，claspinghishands，andmournfullyraisinghiseyestowardsthesky，`wouldthatmywanderingsmightendhere！WouldthatthesegratefultearswithwhichInowmournhopemisplaced，andlovedespised，mightflowinpeaceforever！’
Thewishwasheard。Itwasinthetimeoftheheathendeities，whousedoccasionallytotakepeopleattheirwords，withapromptness，insomecasesextremelyawkward。ThegroundopenedbeneaththePrince’sfeet。
hesunkintothechasm。andinstantaneouslyitcloseduponhisheadforever，savewherehishottearswelledupthroughtheearth，andwheretheyhavecontinuedtogushfortheversince。
Itisobservablethat，tothisday，largenumbersofelderlyladiesandgentlemenwhohavebeendisappointedinprocuringpartners，andalmostasmanyyoungoneswhoareanxioustoobtainthem，repair，annually，toBathtodrinkthewaters，fromwhichtheyderivemuchstrengthandcomfort。
ThisismostcomplimentarytothevirtueofPrinceBladud’stears，andstronglycorroborativeoftheveractiyofthislegend。
Mr。Pickwickyawnedseveraltimes，whenhehadarrivedattheendofthislittlemanuscript：carefullyrefolded，andreplaceditintheinkstanddrawer：andthen，withacountenanceexpressiveoftheutmostweariness，lightedhischambercandle，andwentup-stairstobed。
HestoppedatMr。Dowler’sdoor，accordingtocustom，andknockedtosaygoodnight。
Ah！saidDowler，goingtobed？IwishIwas。Dismalnight。Windy。
isn’tit？
Very，saidMr。Pickwick。Goodnight。
Goodnight。
Mr。Pickwickwenttohisbed-chamber，andMr。Dowlerresumedhisseatbeforethefire，infulfilmentofhisrashpromisetosituptillhiswifecamehome。
Therearefewthingsmoreworryingthansittingupforsomebody，especiallyifthatsomebodybeataparty。Youcannothelpthinkinghowquicklythetimepasseswiththem，whichdragssoheavilywithyou。andthemoreyouthinkofthis，themoreyourhopesoftheirspeedyarrivaldecline。Clocksticksoloud，too，whenyouaresittingupalone，andyouseemasifyouhadanundergarmentofcobwebson。First，somethingticklesyourrightknee，andthenthesamesensationirritatesyourleft。Youhavenosoonerchangedyourposition，thanitcomesagaininthearms。whenyouhavefidgetedyourlimbsintoallsortsofoddshapes，youhaveasuddenrelapseinthenose，whichyourubasiftorubitoff——asthereisnodoubtyouwould，ifyoucould。Eyes，too，aremerepersonalinconveniences。andthewickofonecandlegetsaninchandahalflong，whileyouaresnuffingtheother。These，andvariousotherlittlenervousannoyances，rendersittingupforalengthoftimeaftereverybodyelsehasgonetobed，anythingbutacheerfulamusement。
ThiswasjustMr。Dowler’sopinion，ashesatbeforethefire，andfelthonestlyindignantwithalltheinhumanpeopleatthepartywhowerekeepinghimup。Hewasnotputintobetterhumoureither，bythereflectionthathehadtakenitintohishead，earlyintheevening，tothinkhehadgotanachethere，andsostoppedathome。Atlength，afterseveraldroppingsasleep，andfallingsforwardtowardsthebars，andcatchingsbackwardsoonenoughtopreventbeingbrandedintheface，Mr。Dowlermadeuphismindthathewouldthrowhimselfonthebedintheback-roomandthink——notsleep，ofcourse。