Bequiet，can’tyou，murmuredSam。
Sam，whisperedMr。Weller，amomentafterwards，inatoneofdeepagitation，markmyvords，myboy。Ifthat’eresecretaryfellowkeepsonforonlyfiveminutesmore，he’llblowhisselfupwithtoastandwater。
Well，lethim，ifhelikes，repliedSam。itain’tnobis’nesso’
yourn。
Ifthisherelastsmuchlonger，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，inthesamelowvoice，Ishallfeelitmyduty，asahumanbein’，toriseandaddressthecheer。There’sayoung’oomanonthenextformbuttwo，ashasdrunkninebreakfastcupsandahalf。andshe’saswellin’wisiblybeforemyweryeyes。
ThereislittledoubtthatMr。Wellerwouldhavecarriedhisbenevolentintentionintoimmediateexecution，ifagreatnoise，occasionedbyputtingupthecupsandsaucers，hadnotveryfortunatelyannouncedthatthetea-drinkingwasover。Thecrockeryhavingbeenremoved，thetablewiththegreenbaizecoverwascarriedoutintothecentreoftheroom，andthebusinessoftheeveningwascommencedbyalittleemphaticman，withabaldhead，anddrabshorts，whosuddenlyrusheduptheladder，attheimminentperilofsnappingthetwolittlelegsencasedinthedrabshorts，andsaid：
Ladiesandgentlemen，Imoveourexcellentbrother，Mr。AnthonyHumm，intothechair。
Theladieswavedachoicecollectionofpocket-handkerchiefsatthisproposition：andtheimpetuouslittlemanliterallymovedMr。Hummintothechair，bytakinghimbytheshouldersandthrustinghimintoamahogany-framewhichhadoncerepresentedthatarticleoffurniture。Thewavingofhandkerchiefswasrenewed。andMr。Humm，whowasasleek，white-facedman，inaperpetualperspiration，bowedmeekly，tothegreatadmirationofthefemales，andformallytookhisseat。Silencewasthenproclaimedbythelittlemaninthedrabshorts，andMr。Hummroseandsaid——That，withthepermissionofhisBrickLaneBranchbrothersandsisters，thenandtherepresent，thesecretarywouldreadthereportoftheBrickLaneBranchcommittee。
apropositionwhichwasagainreceivedwithademonstrationofpocket-handkerchiefs。
Thesecretaryhavingsneezedinaveryimpressivemanner，andthecoughwhichalwaysseizesanassembly，whenanythingparticularisgoingtobedone，havingbeendulyperformed，thefollowingdocumentwasread：
REPORTOFTHECOMMITTEEOFTHEBRICKLANEBRANCHOFTHE
UNITEDGRANDJUNCTIONEBENEZERTEMPERANCEASSOCIATION
Yourcommitteehavepursuedtheirgratefullaboursduringthepastmonth，andhavetheunspeakablepleasureofreportingthefollowingadditionalcasesofconvertstoTemperance。
H。Walker，tailor，wife，andtwochildren。Wheninbettercircumstances，ownstohavingbeenintheconstanthabitofdrinkingaleandbeer。saysheisnotcertainwhetherhedidnottwiceaweek，fortwentyyears，taste`dog’snose，’whichyourcommitteefinduponinquiry，tobecompoundedofwarmporter，moistsugar，gin，andnutmegagroan，and`Soitis！’
fromanelderlyfemale。Isnowoutofworkandpenniless。thinksitmustbetheportercheersorthelossoftheuseofhisrighthand。isnotcertainwhich，butthinksitverylikelythat，ifhehaddrunknothingbutwaterallhislife，hisfellowworkmanwouldneverhavestuckarustyneedleinhim，andtherebyoccasionedhisaccidenttremendouscheering。
Hasnothingbutcoldwatertodrink，andneverfeelsthirstygreatapplause。
BetsyMartin，widow，onechild，andoneeye。Goesoutcharingandwashing，bytheday。neverhadmorethanoneeye，butknowshermotherdrankbottledstout，andshouldn’twonderifthatcauseditimmensecheering。Thinksitnotimpossiblethatifshehadalwaysabstainedfromspirits，shemighthavehadtwoeyesbythistimetremendousapplause。Used，ateveryplaceshewentto，tohaveeighteenpenceaday，apintofporter，andaglassofspirits。butsinceshebecameamemberoftheBrickLaneBranch，hasalwaysdemandedthreeandsixpenceinsteadtheannouncementofthismostinterestingfactwasreceivedwithdeafeningenthusiasm。
HenryBellerwasformanyyearstoast-masteratvariouscorporationdinners，duringwhichtimehedrankagreatdealofforeignwine。maysometimeshavecarriedabottleortwohomewithhim。isnotquitecertainofthat，butissureifhedid，thathedrankthecontents。Feelsverylowandmelancholy，isveryfeverish，andhasaconstantthirstuponhim。thinksitmustbethewineheusedtodrinkcheers。Isoutofemploynow：andnevertouchesadropofforeignwinebyanychancetremendousplaudits。
ThomasBurtonispurveyorofcat’smeattotheLordMayorandSheriffs，andseveralmembersoftheCommonCounciltheannouncementofthisgentleman’snamewasreceivedwithbreathlessinterest。Hasawoodenleg。findsawoodenlegexpensive，goingoverthestones。usedtowearsecond-handwoodenlegs，anddrinkaglassofhotginandwaterregularlyeverynight——sometimestwodeepsighs。Foundthesecond-handwoodenlegssplitandrotveryquickly。isfirmlypersuadedthattheirconstitutionwasunderminedbytheginandwaterprolongedcheering。Buysnewwoodenlegsnow，anddrinksnothingbutwaterandweaktea。Thenewlegslasttwiceaslongastheothersusedtodo，andheattributesthissolelytohistemperatehabitstriumphantcheers。
AnthonyHummnowmovedthattheassemblydoregaleitselfwithasong。
Withaviewtotheirrationalandmoralenjoyment，BrotherMordlinhadadaptedthebeautifulwordsofWhohasn’theardofaJollyYoungWaterman？
tothetuneoftheOldHundredth，whichhewouldrequestthemtojoinhiminsinginggreatapplause。HemighttakethatopportunityofexpressinghisfirmpersuasionthatthelateMr。Dibdin，seeingtheerrorsofhisformerlife，hadwrittenthatsongtoshowtheadvantagesofabstinence。
Itwasatemperancesongwhirlwindsofcheers。Theneatnessoftheyoungman’sattire，thedexterityofhisfeathering，theenviablestateofmindwhichenabledhiminthebeautifulwordsofthepoet，toRowalong，thinkingofnothingatall，allcombinedtoprovethathemusthavebeenawater-drinkercheers。Oh，whatastateofvirtuousjollity！rapturouscheering。Andwhatwastheyoungman’sreward？Letallyoungmenpresentmarkthis：Themaidensallflock’dtohisboatsoreadily。Loudcheers，inwhichtheladiesjoined。Whatabrightexample！Thesisterhood，themaidens，flockingroundtheyoungwaterman，andurginghimalongthestreamofdutyandoftemperance。But，wasitthemaidensofhumblelifeonly，whosoothed，consoled，andsupportedhim？No！Hewasalwaysfirstoarswiththefinecityladies。Immensecheering。Thesoftsextoaman——hebeggedpardon，toafemale——ralliedroundtheyoungwaterman，andturnedwithdisgustfromthedrinkerofspiritscheers。TheBrickLaneBranchbrotherswerewatermencheersandlaughter。
Thatroomwastheirboat。thataudiencewerethemaidens。andheMr。AnthonyHumm，howeverunworthily，wasfirstoarsunboundedapplause。
Wotdoeshemeanbythesoftsex，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller，inawhisper。
Thewomin，saidSam，inthesametone。
Heain’tfaroutthere，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller。theymustbeasoftsex，——awerysoftsex，indeed——iftheyletthemselvesbegammonedbysuchfellersashim。
Anyfurtherobservationsfromtheindignantoldgentlemanwerecutshortbytheannouncementofthesong，whichMr。AnthonyHummgaveout，twolinesatatime，fortheinformationofsuchofhishearersaswereunacquaintedwiththelegend。Whileitwasbeingsung，thelittlemanwiththedrabshortsdisappeared。hereturnedimmediatelyonitsconclusion，andwhisperedMr。AnthonyHumm，withafaceofthedeepestimportance。
Myfriends，saidMr。Humm，holdinguphishandinadeprecatorymanner，tobespeakthesilenceofsuchofthestoutoldladiesaswereyetalineortwobehind。myfriends，adelegatefromtheDorkingbranchofourSociety，BrotherStiggins，attendsbelow。
Outcamethepocket-handkerchiefsagain，ingreaterforcethanever。
forMr。StigginswasexcessivelypopularamongthefemaleconstituencyofBrickLane。
Hemayapproach，Ithink，saidMr。Humm，lookingroundhim，withafatsmile。BrotherTadger，lethimcomeforthandgreetus。
ThelittlemaninthedrabshortswhoansweredtothenameofBrotherTadger，bustleddowntheladderwithgreatspeed，andwasimmediatelyafterwardsheardtumblingupwiththereverendMr。Stiggins。
He’sisacomin’，Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，purpleinthecountenancewithsuppressedlaughter。
Don’tsaynothin’tome，repliedSam，forIcan’tbearit。He’sclosetothedoor。Iheardhima-knockin’hisheadagainthelathandplasternow。
AsSamWellerspoke，thelittledoorflewopen，andBrotherTadgerappeared，closelyfollowedbythereverendMr。Stiggins，whonosoonerentered，thantherewasagreatclappingofhands，andstampingoffeet，andflourishingofhandkerchiefs。toallofwhichmanifestationsofdelight，BrotherStigginsreturnednootheracknowledgmentthanstaringwithawildeye，andafixedsmile，attheextremetopofthewickofthecandleonthetable：swayinghisbodytoandfro，meanwhile，inaveryunsteadyanduncertainmanner。
Areyouunwell，BrotherStiggins？whisperedMr。AnthonyHumm。
Iamallright，sir，repliedMr。Stiggins，inatoneinwhichferocitywasblendedwithanextremethicknessofutterance。Iamallright，sir。
Oh，verywell，rejoinedMr。AnthonyHumm，retreatingafewpaces。
Ibelievenomanhere，hasventuredtosaythatIamnotallright，sir？saidMr。Stiggins。
Oh，certainlynot，saidMr。Humm。
Ishouldadvisehimnotto，sir。Ishouldadvisehimnot，saidMr。
Stiggins。
Bythistimetheaudiencewereperfectlysilent，andwaitedwithsomeanxietyfortheresumptionofbusiness。
Willyouaddressthemeeting，brother？saidMr。Humm，withasmileofinvitation。
No，sir，rejoinedMr。Stiggins。No，sir。Iwillnot，sir。
Themeetinglookedateachotherwithraisedeye-lids。andamurmurofastonishmentranthroughtheroom。
It’smyopinion，sir，saidMr。Stiggins，unbuttoninghiscoat，andspeakingveryloudly。it’smyopinion，sir，thatthismeetingisdrunk，sir。BrotherTadger，sir！saidMr。Stiggins，suddenlyincreasinginferocity，andturningsharproundonthelittlemaninthedrabshorts，youaredrunk，sir！Withthis，Mr。Stiggins，entertainingapraiseworthydesiretopromotethesobrietyofthemeeting，andtoexcludetherefromallimpropercharacters，hitBrotherTadgeronthesummitofthenosewithsuchunerringaim，thatthedrabshortsdisappearedlikeaflashoflightning。BrotherTadgerhadbeenknocked，headfirst，downtheladder。
Uponthis，thewomensetupaloudanddismalscreaming。andrushinginsmallpartiesbeforetheirfavouritebrothers，flungtheirarmsaroundthemtopreservethemfromdanger。Aninstanceofaffection，whichhadnearlyprovedfataltoHumm，who，beingextremelypopular，wasallbutsuffocated，bythecrowdoffemaledevoteesthathungabouthisneck，andheapedcaressesuponhim。Thegreaterpartofthelightswerequicklyputout，andnothingbutnoiseandconfusionresoundedonallsides。
Now，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，takingoffhisgreatcoatwithmuchdeliberation，justyoustepout，andfetchinawatchman。
Andwotareyouagoin’todo，thewhile？inquiredSam。
Neveryoumindme，Sammy，repliedtheoldgentleman。Ishallockipymyselfinhavin’asmallsettlementwiththat’ereStiggins。BeforeSamcouldinterferetopreventit，hisheroicparenthadpenetratedintoaremotecorneroftheroom，andattackedthereverendMr。Stigginswithmanualdexterity。
Comeoff！saidSam。
Comeon！criedMr。Weller。andwithoutfurtherinvitationhegavethereverendMr。Stigginsapreliminarytaponthehead，andbegandancingroundhiminabuoyantandcork-likemanner，whichinagentlemanathistimeoflifewasaperfectmarveltobehold。
Findingallremonstranceunavailing，Sampulledhishatfirmlyon，threwhisfather’scoatoverhisarm，andtakingtheoldmanroundthewaist，forciblydraggedhimdowntheladder，andintothestreet。neverreleasinghishold，orpermittinghimtostop，untiltheyreachedthecorner。Astheygainedit，theycouldheartheshoutsofthepopulace，whowerewitnessingtheremovalofthereverendMr。Stigginstostronglodgingsforthenight：
andcouldhearthenoiseoccasionedbythedispersioninvariousdirectionsofthemembersoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter34[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIVISWHOLLYDEVOTEDTOAFULLANDFAITHFULREPORTOF
THEMEMORABLETRIALOFBARDELLAGAINSTPICKWICK
IWONDERwhattheforemanofthejury，whoeverhe’llbe，hasgotforbreakfast，saidMr。Snodgrass，bywayofkeepingupaconversationontheeventfulmorningofthefourteenthofFebruary。
Ah！saidPerker，Ihopehe’sgotagoodone。
Whyso？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Highlyimportant。veryimportant，mydearsir，repliedPerker。A
good，contented，well-breakfastedjuryman，isacapitalthingtogetholdof。Discontentedorhungryjurymen，mydearsir，alwaysfindfortheplaintiff。
Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，lookingveryblank。whatdotheydothatfor？
Why，Idon’tknow，repliedthelittleman，coolly。savestime，I
suppose。Ifit’sneardinner-time，theforemantakesouthiswatchwhenthejuryhasretired，andsays，`Dearme，gentlemen，tenminutestofive，Ideclare！Idineatfive，gentlemen。’`SodoI，’sayseverybodyelse，excepttwomenwhooughttohavedinedatthree，andseemmorethanhalfdisposedtostandoutinconsequence。Theforemansmiles，andputsuphiswatch：——`Well，gentlemen，whatdowesay，plaintiffordefendant，gentlemen？
Iratherthink，sofarasIamconcerned，gentlemen，——Isay，Iratherthink，——butdon’tletthatinfluenceyou——Iratherthinktheplaintiff’stheman。’Uponthis，twoorthreeothermenaresuretosaythattheythinksotoo——asofcoursetheydo。andthentheygetonveryunanimouslyandcomfortably。Tenminutespastnine！saidthelittleman，lookingathiswatch。Timewewereoff，mydearsir。breachofpromisetrial——courtisgenerallyfullinsuchcases。Youhadbetterringforacoach，mydearsir，orweshallberatherlate。
Mr。Pickwickimmediatelyrangthebell。andacoachhavingbeenprocured，thefourPickwickiansandMr。Perkerensconcedthemselvestherein，anddrovetoGuildhall。SamWeller，Mr。Lowten，andthebluebag，followinginacab。
Lowten，saidPerker，whentheyreachedtheouterhallofthecourt，putMr。Pickwick’sfriendsinthestudents’box。Mr。Pickwickhimselfhadbettersitbyme。Thisway，mydearsir，thisway。TakingMr。Pickwickbythecoat-sleeve，thelittlemanledhimtothelowseatjustbeneaththedesksoftheKing’sCounsel，whichisconstructedfortheconvenienceofattorneys，whofromthatspotcanwhisperintotheearoftheleadingcounselinthecase，anyinstructionsthatmaybenecessaryduringtheprogressofthetrial。Theoccupantsofthisseatareinvisibletothegreatbodyofspectators，inasmuchastheysitonamuchlowerlevelthaneitherthebarristersortheaudience，whoseseatsareraisedabovethefloor。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirbackstoboth，andtheirfacestowardsthejudge。
That’sthewitness-box，Isuppose？saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoakindofpulpit，withabrassrail，onhislefthand。
That’sthewitness-box，mydearsir，repliedPerker，disinterringaquantityofpapersfromthebluebag，whichLowtenhadjustdepositedathisfeet。
Andthat，saidMr。Pickwick，pointingtoacoupleofenclosedseatsonhisright，that’swherethejurymensit，isitnot？
Theidenticalplace，mydearsir，repliedPerker，tappingthelidofhissnuff-box。
Mr。Pickwickstoodupinastateofgreatagitation，andtookaglanceatthecourt。Therewerealreadyaprettylargesprinklingofspectatorsinthegallery，andanumerousmusterofgentlemeninwigs，inthebarristers’
seats：whopresented，asabody，allthatpleasingandextensivevarietyofnoseandwhiskerforwhichthebarofEnglandissojustlycelebrated。
Suchofthegentlemenashadabrieftocarry，carrieditinasconspicuousamanneraspossible，andoccasionallyscratchedtheirnosestherewith，toimpressthefactmorestronglyontheobservationofthespectators。
Othergentlemen，whohadnobriefstoshow，carriedundertheirarmsgoodlyoctavos，witharedlabelbehind，andthatunderdone-pie-crust-colouredcover，whichistechnicallyknownaslawcalf。Others，whohadneitherbriefsnorbooks，thrusttheirhandsintotheirpockets，andlookedaswiseastheyconvenientlycould。others，again，movedhereandtherewithgreatrestlessnessandearnestnessofmanner，contenttoawakentherebytheadmirationandastonishmentoftheuninitiatedstrangers。Thewhole，tothegreatwondermentofMr。Pickwick，weredividedintolittlegroups，whowerechattinganddiscussingthenewsofthedayinthemostunfeelingmannerpossible，——justasifnotrialatallwerecomingon。
AbowfromMr。Phunky，asheentered，andtookhisseatbehindtherowappropriatedtotheKing’sCounsel，attractedMr。Pickwick’sattention。
andhehadscarcelyreturnedit，whenMr。SerjeantSnubbinappeared，followedbyMr。Mallard，whohalfhidtheSerjeantbehindalargecrimsonbag，whichheplacedonhistable，and，aftershakinghandswithPerker，withdrew。
ThenthereenteredtwoorthreemoreSerjeants。andamongthem，onewithafatbodyandaredface，whonoddedinafriendlymannertoMr。SerjeantSnubbin，andsaiditwasafinemorning。
Who’sthatred-facedman，whosaiditwasafinemorning，andnoddedtoourcounsel？whisperedMr。Pickwick。
Mr。SerjeantBuzfuz，repliedPerker。He’sopposedtous。heleadsontheotherside。ThatgentlemanbehindhimisMr。Skimpin，hisjunior。
Mr。Pickwickwasonthepointofinquiring，withgreatabhorrenceoftheman’scold-bloodedvillainy，howMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，whowascounselfortheoppositeparty，daredtopresumetotellMr。SerjeantSnubbin，whowascounselforhim，thatitwasafinemorning，whenhewasinterruptedbyageneralrisingofthebarristers，andaloudcryofSilence！fromtheofficersofthecourt。Lookinground，hefoundthatthiswascausedbytheentranceofthejudge。
Mr。JusticeStareleighwhosatintheabsenceoftheChiefJustice，occasionedbyindisposition，wasamostparticularlyshortman，andsofat，thatheseemedallfaceandwaistcoat。Herolledin，upontwolittleturnedlegs，andhavingbobbedgravelytothebar，whobobbedgravelytohim，puthislittlelegsunderneathhistable，andhislittlethree-corneredhatuponit。andwhenMr。JusticeStareleighhaddonethis，allyoucouldseeofhimwastwoqueerlittleeyes，onebroadpinkface，andsomewhereabouthalfofabigandverycomical-lookingwig。
Thejudgehadnosoonertakenhisseat，thantheofficeronthefloorofthecourtcalledoutSilence！inacommandingtone，uponwhichanotherofficerinthegallerycriedSilence！inanangrymanner，whereuponthreeorfourmoreushersshoutedSilence！inavoiceofindignantremonstrance。
Thisbeingdone，agentlemaninblack，whosatbelowthejudge，proceededtocalloverthenamesofthejury。andafteragreatdealofbawling，itwasdiscoveredthatonlytenspecialjurymenwerepresent。Uponthis，Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzprayedatales。thegentlemaninblackthenproceededtopressintothespecialjury，twoofthecommonjurymen。andagreen-grocerandachemistwerecaughtdirectly。
Answertoyournames，gentlemen，thatyoumaybesworn，saidthegentlemaninblack。RichardUpwitch。
Here，saidthegreen-grocer。
ThomasGroffin。
Here，saidthechemist。
Takethebook，gentlemen。Youshallwellandtrulytry——
Ibegthiscourt’spardon，saidthechemist，whowasatall，thin，yellow-visagedman，butIhopethiscourtwillexcusemyattendance。
Onwhatgrounds，sir？saidMr。JusticeStareleigh。
Ihavenoassistant，myLord，saidthechemist。
Ican’thelpthat，sir，repliedMr。JusticeStareleigh。Youshouldhireone。
Ican’taffordit，myLord，rejoinedthechemist。
Thenyououghttobeabletoaffordit，sir，saidthejudge，reddening。
forJusticeStareleigh’stemperborderedontheirritable，andbrookednotcontradiction。
IknowIoughttodo，ifIgotonaswellasIdeserved，butIdon’t，myLord，answeredthechemist。
Swearthegentleman，saidthejudge，peremptorily。
TheofficerhadgotnofurtherthantheYoushallwellandtrulytry，
whenhewasagaininterruptedbythechemist。
Iamtobesworn，myLord，amI？saidthechemist。
Certainly，sir，repliedthetestylittlejudge。
Verywell，myLord，repliedthechemist，inaresignedmanner。Thenthere’llbemurderbeforethistrial’sover。that’sall。Swearme，ifyouplease，sir。andswornthechemistwas，beforethejudgecouldfindwordstoutter。
Imerelywantedtoobserve，myLord，saidthechemist，takinghisseatwithgreatdeliberation，thatI’veleftnobodybutanerrand-boyinmyshop。Heisaveryniceboy，myLord，butheisnotacquaintedwithdrugs。andIknowthattheprevailingimpressiononhismindis，thatEpsomsaltsmeansoxalicacid。andsyrupofsenna，laudanum。That’sall，myLord。
Withthis，thetallchemistcomposedhimselfintoacomfortableattitude，and，assumingapleasantexpressionofcountenance，appearedtohavepreparedhimselffortheworst。
Mr。Pickwickwasregardingthechemistwithfeelingsofthedeepesthorror，whenaslightsensationwasperceptibleinthebodyofthecourt。
andimmediatelyafterwardsMrs。Bardell，supportedbyMrs。Cluppins，wasledin，andplacedinadroopingstate，attheotherendoftheseatonwhichMr。Pickwicksat。AnextrasizedumbrellawasthenhandedinbyMr。
Dodson，andapairofpattensbyMr。Fogg，eachofwhomhadpreparedamostsympathisingandmelancholyfacefortheoccasion。Mrs。Sandersthenappeared，leadinginMasterBardell。Atsightofherchild，Mrs。Bardellstarted。suddenlyrecollectingherself，shekissedhiminafranticmanner。
thenrelapsingintoastateofhystericalimbecility，thegoodladyrequestedtobeinformedwhereshewas。Inreplytothis，Mrs。CluppinsandMrs。
Sandersturnedtheirheadsawayandwept，whileMessrs。DodsonandFoggintreatedtheplaintifftocomposeherself。SerjeantBuzfuzrubbedhiseyesveryhardwithalargewhitehandkerchief，andgaveanappealinglooktowardsthejury，whilethejudgewasvisiblyaffected，andseveralofthebeholderstriedtocoughdowntheiremotions。
Verygoodnotionthat，indeed，whisperedPerkertoMr。Pickwick。CapitalfellowsthoseDodsonandFogg。excellentideasofeffect，mydearsir，excellent。
AsPerkerspoke，Mrs。Bardellbegantorecoverbyslowdegrees，whileMrs。Cluppins，afteracarefulsurveyofMasterBardell’sbuttonsandthebutton-holestowhichtheyseverallybelonged，placedhimonthefloorofthecourtinfrontofhismother，——acommandingpositioninwhichhecouldnotfailtoawakenthefullcommiserationandsympathyofbothjudgeandjury。Thiswasnotdonewithoutconsiderableopposition，andmanytears，onthepartoftheyounggentlemanhimself，whohadcertaininwardmisgivingsthattheplacinghimwithinthefullglareofthejudge’seyewasonlyaformalpreludetohisbeingimmediatelyorderedawayforinstantexecution，orfortransportationbeyondtheseas，duringthewholetermofhisnaturallife，attheveryleast。
BardellandPickwick，criedthegentlemaninblack，callingonthecase，whichstoodfirstonthelist。
Iamfortheplaintiff，myLord，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz。
Whoiswithyou，brotherBufzuz？saidthejudge。Mr。Skimpinbowed，tointimatethathewas。
Iappearforthedefendant，myLord，saidMr。SerjeantSnubbin。
Anybodywithyou，brotherSnubbin？inquiredthecourt。
Mr。Phunky，myLord，repliedSerjeantSnubbin。
SerjeantBuzfuzandMr。Skimpinfortheplaintiff，saidthejudge，writingdownthenamesinhisnote-book，andreadingashewrote。forthedefendant，SerjeantSnubbinandMr。Monkey。
BegyourLordship’spardon，Phunky。
Oh，verygood，saidthejudge。Ineverhadthepleasureofhearingthegentleman’snamebefore。HereMr。Phunkybowedandsmiled，andthejudgebowedandsmiledtoo，andthenMr。Phunky，blushingintotheverywhitesofhiseyes，triedtolookasifhedidn’tknowthateverybodywasgazingathim：athingwhichnomaneversucceededindoingyet，orinallreasonableprobability，everwill。
Goon，saidthejudge。
Theushersagaincalledsilence，andMr。Skimpinproceededtoopenthecase。andthecaseappearedtohaveverylittleinsideitwhenhehadopenedit，forhekeptsuchparticularsasheknew，completelytohimself，andsatdown，afteralapseofthreeminutes，leavingthejuryinpreciselythesameadvancedstageofwisdomastheywereinbefore。
SerjeantBuzfuzthenrosewithallthemajestyanddignitywhichthegravenatureoftheproceedingsdemanded，andhavingwhisperedtoDodson，andconferredbrieflywithFogg，pulledhisgownoverhisshoulders，settledhiswig，andaddressedthejury。
SerjeantBuzfuzbeganbysaying，thatnever，inthewholecourseofhisprofessionalexperience——never，fromtheveryfirstmomentofhisapplyinghimselftothestudyandpracticeofthelaw——hadheapproachedacasewithfeelingsofsuchdeepemotion，orwithsuchaheavysenseoftheresponsibilityimposeduponhim——aresponsibility，hewouldsay，whichhecouldneverhavesupported，werehenotbuoyedupandsustainedbyaconvictionsostrong，thatitamountedtopositivecertaintythatthecauseoftruthandjustice，or，inotherwords，thecauseofhismuch-injuredandmostoppressedclient，mustprevailwiththehigh-mindedandintelligentdozenofmenwhomhenowsawinthatboxbeforehim。
Counselusuallybegininthisway，becauseitputsthejuryontheverybesttermswiththemselves，andmakesthemthinkwhatsharpfellowstheymustbe。Avisibleeffectwasproducedimmediately。severaljurymenbeginningtotakevoluminousnoteswiththeutmosteagerness。
Youhaveheardfrommylearnedfriend，gentlemen，continuedSerjeantBuzfuz，wellknowingthat，fromthelearnedfriendalludedto，thegentlemenofthejuryhadheardjustnothingatall——youhaveheardfrommylearnedfriend，gentlemen，thatthisisanactionforabreachofpromiseofmarriage，inwhichthedamagesarelaidat1，500。Butyouhavenotheardfrommylearnedfriend，inasmuchasitdidnotcomewithinmylearnedfriend’sprovincetotellyou，whatarethefactsandcircumstancesofthecase。
Thosefactsandcircumstances，gentlemen，youshallheardetailedbyme，andprovedbytheunimpeachablefemalewhomIwillplaceinthatboxbeforeyou。
HereMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，withatremendousemphasisonthewordbox，
smotehistablewithamightysound，andglancedatDodsonandFogg，whonoddedadmirationoftheserjeant，andindignantdefianceofthedefendant。
Theplaintiff，gentlemen，continuedSerjeantBuzfuz，inasoftandmelancholyvoice，theplaintiffisawidow。yes，gentlemen，awidow。ThelateMr。Bardell，afterenjoying，formanyyears，theesteemandconfidenceofhissovereign，asoneoftheguardiansofhisroyalrevenues，glidedalmostimperceptiblyfromtheworld，toseekelsewhereforthatreposeandpeacewhichacustom-housecanneverafford。
AtthispatheticdescriptionofthedeceaseofMr。Bardell，whohadbeenknockedontheheadwithaquart-potinapublic-housecellar，thelearnedserjeant’svoicefaltered，andheproceededwithemotion：
Sometimebeforehisdeath，hehadstampedhislikenessuponalittleboy。Withthislittleboy，theonlypledgeofherdepartedexciseman，Mrs。
Bardellshrunkfromtheworld，andcourtedtheretirementandtranquillityofGoswellStreet。andheresheplacedinherfrontparlour-windowawrittenplacard，bearingthisinscription——`Apartmentsfurnishedforasinglegentleman。
Inquirewithin。’HereSerjeantBuzfuzpaused，whileseveralgentlemenofthejurytookanoteofthedocument。
Thereisnodatetothat，isthere，sir？inquiredajuror。
Thereisnodate，gentlemen，repliedSerjeantBuzfuz。butIaminstructedtosaythatitwasputintheplaintiff’sparlour-windowjustthistimethreeyears。Iintreattheattentionofthejurytothewordingofthisdocument，`Apartmentsfurnishedforasinglegentlemen’！Mrs。Bardell’sopinionsoftheoppositesex，gentlemen，werederivedfromalongcontemplationoftheinestimablequalitiesofherlosthusband。Shehadnofear，shehadnodistrust，shehadnosuspicion，allwasconfidenceandreliance。
`Mr。Bardell，’saidthewidow。`Mr。Bardellwasamanofhonour，Mr。Bardellwasamanofhisword，Mr。Bardellwasnodeceiver，Mr。Bardellwasonceasinglegentlemanhimself。tosinglegentlemenIlookforprotection，forassistance，forcomfort，andforconsolation。insinglegentlemenIshallperpetuallyseesomethingtoremindmeofwhatMr。Bardellwas，whenhefirstwonmyyounganduntriedaffections。toasinglegentleman，then，shallmylodgingsbelet。’Actuatedbythisbeautifulandtouchingimpulseamongthebestimpulsesofourimperfectnature，gentlemen，thelonelyanddesolatewidowdriedhertears，furnishedherfirstfloor，caughttheinnocentboytohermaternalbosom，andputthebillupinherparlour-window。
Diditremaintherelong？No。Theserpentwasonthewatch，thetrainwaslaid，theminewaspreparing，thesapperandminerwasatwork。Beforethebillhadbeenintheparlour-windowthreedays——threedays——gentlemen——aBeing，erectupontwolegs，andbearingalltheoutwardsemblanceofaman，andnotofamonster，knockedatthedoorofMrs。Bardell’shouse。
Heinquiredwithin。hetookthelodgings。andontheverynextdayheenteredintopossessionofthem。ThismanwasPickwick——Pickwick，thedefendant。
SerjeantBuzfuz，whohadproceededwithsuchvolubilitythathisfacewasperfectlycrimson，herepausedforbreath。ThesilenceawokeMr。JusticeStareleigh，whoimmediatelywrotedownsomethingwithapenwithoutanyinkinit，andlookedunusuallyprofound，toimpressthejurywiththebeliefthathealwaysthoughtmostdeeplywithhiseyesshut。SerjeantBuzfuzproceeded。
OfthismanPickwickIwillsaylittle。thesubjectpresentsbutfewattractions。andI，gentlemen，amnottheman，norareyou，gentlemen，themen，todelightinthecontemplationofrevoltingheartlessness，andofsystematicvillainy。
HereMr。Pickwick，whohadbeenwrithinginsilenceforsometime，gaveaviolentstart，asifsomevagueideaofassaultingSerjeantBuzfuz，intheaugustpresenceofjusticeandlaw，suggesteditselftohismind。AnadmonitorygesturefromPerkerrestrainedhim，andhelistenedtothelearnedgentleman’scontinuationwithalookofindignation，whichcontrastedforciblywiththeadmiringfacesofMrs。CluppinsandMrs。Sanders。
Isaysystematicvillainy，gentlemen，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，lookingthroughMr。Pickwick，andtalkingathim。andwhenIsaysystematicvillainy，letmetellthedefendantPickwick，ifhebeincourt，asIaminformedheis，thatitwouldhavebeenmoredecentinhim，morebecoming，inbetterjudgment，andinbettertaste，ifhehadstoppedaway。Letmetellhim，gentlemen，thatanygesturesofdissentordisapprobationinwhichhemayindulgeinthiscourtwillnotgodownwithyou。thatyouwillknowhowtovalueandhowtoappreciatethem。andletmetellhimfurther，asmylordwilltellyou，gentlemen，thatacounsel，inthedischargeofhisdutytohisclient，isneithertobeintimidated，norbullied，norputdown。andthatanyattempttodoeithertheoneortheother，orthefirst，orthelast，willrecoilontheheadoftheattempter，beheplaintifforbehedefendant，behisnamePickwick，orNoakes，orStoakes，orStiles，orBrown，orThompson。
Thislittledivergencefromthesubjectinhand，hadofcourse，theintendedeffectofturningalleyestoMr。Pickwick。SerjeantBuzfuz，havingpartiallyrecoveredfromthestateofmoralelevationintowhichhehadlashedhimself，resumed：
Ishallshowyou，gentlemen，thatfortwoyearsPickwickcontinuedtoresideconstantly，andwithoutinterruptionorintermission，atMrs。
Bardell’shouse。IshallshowyouthatMrs。Bardell，duringthewholeofthattimewaitedonhim，attendedtohiscomforts，cookedhismeals，lookedouthislinenforthewasherwomanwhenitwentabroad，darned，aired，andprepareditforwear，whenitcamehome，and，inshort，enjoyedhisfullesttrustandconfidence。Ishallshowyouthat，onmanyoccasions，hegavehalfpence，andonsomeoccasionsevensixpences，toherlittleboy。andIshallprovetoyou，byawitnesswhosetestimonyitwillbeimpossibleformylearnedfriendtoweakenorcontrovert，thatononeoccasionhepattedtheboyonthehead，and，afterinquiringwhetherhehadwonanyalleytorsorcommoneyslatelybothofwhichIunderstandtobeaparticularspeciesofmarblesmuchprizedbytheyouthofthistown，madeuseofthisremarkableexpression：`Howshouldyouliketohaveanotherfather？’Ishallprovetoyou，gentlemen，thataboutayearago，Pickwicksuddenlybegantoabsenthimselffromhome，duringlongintervals，asifwiththeintentionofgraduallybreakingofffrommyclient。butIshallshowyoualso，thathisresolutionwasnotatthattimesufficientlystrong，orthathisbetterfeelingsconquered，ifbetterfeelingshehas，orthatthecharmsandaccomplishmentsofmyclientprevailedagainsthisunmanlyintentions。byprovingtoyou，thatononeoccasion，whenhereturnedfromthecountry，hedistinctlyandinterms，offeredhermarriage：previouslyhowever，takingspecialcarethatthereshouldbenowitnesstotheirsolemncontract。andIaminasituationtoprovetoyou，onthetestimonyofthreeofhisownfriends，——mostunwillingwitnesses，gentlemen——mostunwillingwitnesses——thatonthatmorninghewasdiscoveredbythemholdingtheplaintiffinhisarms，andsoothingheragitationbyhiscaressesandendearments。
Avisibleimpressionwasproducedupontheauditorsbythispartofthelearnedserjeant’saddress。Drawingforthtwoverysmallscrapsofpaper，heproceeded：
Andnow，gentlemen，butonewordmore。Twolettershavepassedbetweentheseparties，letterswhichareadmittedtobeinthehandwritingofthedefendant，andwhichspeakvolumesindeed。Theseletters，too，bespeakthecharacteroftheman。Theyarenotopen，fervent，eloquentepistles，breathingnothingbutthelanguageofaffectionateattachment。Theyarecovert，sly，underhandedcommunications，but，fortunately，farmoreconclusivethanifcouchedinthemostglowinglanguageandthemostpoeticimagery——lettersthatmustbeviewedwithacautiousandsuspiciouseye——lettersthatwereevidentlyintendedatthetime，byPickwick，tomisleadanddeludeanythirdpartiesintowhosehandstheymightfall。Letmereadthefirst：——`Garraway’s，twelveo’clock。DearMrs。B——ChopsandTomatosauce。Yours，PICKWICK。’
Gentlemen，whatdoesthismean？ChopsandTomatosauce！Yours，Pickwick！
Chops！Graciousheavens！andTomatosauce！Gentlemen，isthehappinessofasensitiveandconfidingfemaletobetrifledaway，bysuchshallowartificesasthese？Thenexthasnodatewhatever，whichinitselfissuspicious。
`DearMrs。B。，Ishallnotbeathometillto-morrow。Slowcoach。’Andthenfollowsthisveryremarkableexpression。`Don’ttroubleyourselfaboutthewarming-pan。’Thewarming-pan！Why，gentlemen，whodoestroublehimselfaboutawarming-pan？Whenwasthepeaceofmindofmanorwomanbrokenordisturbedbyawarming-pan，whichisinitselfaharmless，auseful，andIwilladd，gentlemen，acomfortingarticleofdomesticfurniture？
WhyisMrs。Bardellsoearnestlyentreatednottoagitateherselfaboutthiswarming-pan，unlessasisnodoubtthecaseitisamerecoverforhiddenfire——ameresubstituteforsomeendearingwordorpromise，agreeablytoapreconcertedsystemofcorrespondence，artfullycontrivedbyPickwickwithaviewtohiscontemplateddesertion，andwhichIamnotinaconditiontoexplain？Andwhatdoesthisallusiontotheslowcoachmean？ForaughtIknow，itmaybeareferencetoPickwickhimself，whohasmostunquestionablybeenacriminallyslowcoachduringthewholeofthistransaction，butwhosespeedwillnowbeveryunexpectedlyaccelerated，andwhosewheels，gentlemen，ashewillfindtohiscost，willverysoonbegreasedbyyou！
Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzpausedinthisplace，toseewhetherthejurysmiledathisjoke。butasnobodytookitbutthegreengrocer，whosesensitivenessonthesubjectwasveryprobablyoccasionedbyhishavingsubjectedachaise-carttotheprocessinquestiononthatidenticalmorning，thelearnedserjeantconsidereditadvisabletoundergoaslightrelapseintothedismalsbeforeheconcluded。
Butenoughofthis，gentlemen，saidMr。SerjeantBuzfuz，itisdifficulttosmilewithanachingheart。itisilljestingwhenourdeepestsympathiesareawakened。Myclient’shopesandprospectsareruined，anditisnofigureofspeechtosaythatheroccupationisgoneindeed。Thebillisdown——butthereisnotenant。Eligiblesinglegentlemenpassandrepass——butthereisnoinvitationforthemtoinquirewithinorwithout。Allisgloomandsilenceinthehouse。eventhevoiceofthechildishushed。hisinfantsportsaredisregardedwhenhismotherweeps。his`alleytors’andhis`commoneys’arealikeneglected。heforgetsthelongfamiliarcryof`knuckledown，’andattip-cheese，oroddandeven，hishandisout。ButPickwick，gentlemen，Pickwick，theruthlessdestroyerofthisdomesticoasisinthedesertofGoswellStreet——Pickwick，whohaschokedupthewell，andthrownashesonthesward——Pickwick，whocomesbeforeyouto-daywithhisheartlessTomatosauceandwarming-pans——Pickwickstillrearshisheadwithunblushingeffrontery，andgazeswithoutasighontheruinhehasmade。Damages，gentlemen——heavydamages——istheonlypunishmentwithwhichyoucanvisithim。theonlyrecompenseyoucanawardtomyclient。Andforthosedamagesshenowappealstoanenlightened，ahigh-minded，aright-feeling，aconscientious，adispassionate，asympathising，acontemplativejuryofhercivilisedcountrymen。Withthisbeautifulperoration，Mr。SerjeantBuzfuzsatdown，andMr。JusticeStareleighwokeup。
CallElizabethCluppins，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，risingaminuteafterwards，withrenewedvigour。
ThenearestushercalledforElizabethTuppins。anotherone，atalittledistanceoff，demandedElizabethJupkins。andathirdrushedinabreathlessstateintoKingStreet，andscreamedforElizabethMuffinstillhewashoarse。
MeanwhileMrs。Cluppins，withthecombinedassistanceofMrs。Bardell，Mrs。Sanders，Mr。Dodson，andMr。Fogg，washoistedintothewitness-box。
andwhenshewassafelyperchedonthetopstep，Mrs。Bardellstoodonthebottomone，withthepocket-handkerchiefandpattensinonehand，andaglassbottlethatmightholdaboutaquarterofapintofsmellingsaltsintheother，readyforanyemergency。Mrs。Sanders，whoseeyeswereintentlyfixedonthejudge’sface，plantedherselfcloseby，withthelargeumbrella：
keepingherrightthumbpressedonthespringwithanearnestcountenance，asifshewerefullypreparedtoputitupatamoment’snotice。
Mrs。Cluppins，saidSerjeantBuzfuzpraycomposeyourself，ma’am。
Ofcourse，directlyMrs。Cluppinswasdesiredtocomposeherselfshesobbedwithincreasedvehemence，andgavediversalarmingmanifestationsofanapproachingfaintingfit，or，assheafterwardssaid，ofherfeelingsbeingtoomanyforher。
Doyourecollect，Mrs。Cluppins？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，afterafewunimportantquestions，doyourecollectbeinginMrs。Bardell’sbackonepairofstairs，ononeparticularmorninginJulylast，whenshewasdustingPickwick’sapartment？
Yes，myLordandJury，Ido，repliedMrs。Cluppins。
Mr。Pickwick’ssitting-roomwasthefirst-floorfront，Ibelieve？
Yes，itwere，sir，repliedMrs。Cluppins。
Whatwereyoudoinginthebackroom，ma’am？inquiredthelittlejudge。
MyLordandJury，saidMrs。Cluppins，withinterestingagitation，Iwillnotdeceiveyou。
Youhadbetternot，ma’am，saidthelittlejudge。
Iwasthere，resumedMrs。Cluppins，unbeknowntoMrs。Bardell。I
hadbeenoutwithalittlebasket，gentlemen，tobuythreepoundofredkidneypurtaties，whichwasthreepoundtuppenceha’penny，whenIseeMrs。
Bardell’sstreetdooronthejar。
Onthewhat？exclaimedthelittlejudge。
Partlyopen，myLord，saidSerjeantSnubbin。
Shesaidonthejar，saidthelittlejudge，withacunninglook。
It’sallthesame，myLord，’saidSerjeantSnubbin。Thelittlejudgelookeddoubtful，andsaidhe’dmakeanoteofit。Mrs。Cluppinsthenresumed：
Iwalkedin，gentlemen，justtosaygoodmornin’，andwent，inapermiscuousmanner，up-stairs，andintothebackroom。Gentlemen，therewasthesoundofvoicesinthefrontroom，and——
Andyoulistened，Ibelieve，Mrs。Cluppins？saidSerjeantBuzfuz。
Beggin’yourpardon，sir，repliedMrs。Cluppins，inamajesticmanner，Iwouldscornthehaction。Thevoiceswasveryloud，sir，andforcedthemselvesuponmyear。
Well，Mrs。Cluppins，youwerenotlistening，butyouheardthevoices。
Wasoneofthosevoices，Pickwick’s？
Yes，itwere，sir。
AndMrs。Cluppins，afterdistinctlystatingthatMr。PickwickaddressedhimselftoMrs。Bardell，repeated，byslowdegrees，andbydintofmanyquestions，theconversationwithwhichourreadersarealreadyacquainted。
Thejurylookedsuspicious，andMr。SerjeantBuzfuzsmiledandsatdown。
TheylookedpositivelyawfulwhenSerjeantSnubbinintimatedthatheshouldnotcross-examinethewitness，forMr。Pickwickwishedittobedistinctlystatedthatitwasduetohertosay，thatheraccountwasinsubstancecorrect。
Mrs。Cluppinshavingoncebrokentheice，thoughtitafavourableopportunityforenteringintoashortdissertationonherowndomesticaffairs。so，shestraightwayproceededtoinformthecourtthatshewasthemotherofeightchildrenatthatpresentspeaking，andthatsheentertainedconfidentexpectationsofpresentingMr。Cluppinswithaninth，somewhereaboutthatdaysixmonths。Atthisinterestingpoint，thelittlejudgeinterposedmostirascibly。andtheeffectoftheinterpositionwas，thatboththeworthyladyandMrs。Sanderswerepolitelytakenoutofcourt，undertheescortofMr。Jackson，withoutfurtherparley。
NathanielWinkle！saidMr。Skimpin。
Here！repliedafeeblevoice。Mr。Winkleenteredthewitnessbox，andhavingbeendulysworn，bowedtothejudgewithconsiderabledeference。
Don’tlookatme，sir，saidthejudge，sharply，inacknowledgmentofthesalute。lookatthejury。
Mr。Winkleobeyedthemandate，andlookedattheplacewherehethoughtitmostprobablethejurymightbe。forseeinganythinginhisthenstateofintellectualcomplicationwaswhollyoutofthequestion。
Mr。WinklewasthenexaminedbyMr。Skimpin，who，beingapromisingyoungmanoftwoorthreeandforty，wasofcourseanxioustoconfuseawitnesswhowasnotoriouslypredisposedinfavouroftheotherside，asmuchashecould。
Now，sir，saidMr。Skimpin，havethegoodnesstolethisLordshipandthejuryknowwhatyournameis，willyou？andMr。Skimpininclinedhisheadononesidetolistenwithgreatsharpnesstotheanswer，andglancedatthejurymeanwhile，asiftoimplythatheratherexpectedMr。
Winkle’snaturaltasteforperjurywouldinducehimtogivesomenamewhichdidnotbelongtohim。
Winkle，repliedthewitness。
What’syourChristianname，sir？angrilyinquiredthelittlejudge。
Nathaniel，sir。
Daniel，——anyothername？
Nathaniel，sir——myLord，Imean。
NathanielDaniel，orDanielNathaniel？
No，myLord，onlyNathaniel。notDanielatall。
WhatdidyoutellmeitwasDanielfor，then，sir？inquiredthejudge。
Ididn’t，myLord，repliedMr。Winkle。
Youdid，sir，repliedthejudge，withaseverefrown。
HowcouldIhavegotDanielonmynotes，unlessyoutoldmeso，sir？
Thisargumentwas，ofcourse，unanswerable。
Mr。Winklehasratherashortmemory，myLord，interposedMr。Skimpin，withanotherglanceatthejury。Weshallfindmeanstorefreshitbeforewehavequitedonewithhim，Idaresay。
Youhadbetterbecareful，sir，saidthelittlejudge，withasinisterlookatthewitness。
PoorMr。Winklebowed，andendeavouredtofeignaneasinessofmanner，which，inhisthenstateofconfusion，gavehimrathertheairofadisconcertedpickpocket。
Now，Mr。Winkle，saidMr。Skimpin，attendtome，ifyouplease，sir。
andletmerecommendyou，foryourownsake，tobearinmindhisLordship’sinjunctiontobecareful。IbelieveyouareaparticularfriendofPickwick，thedefendant，areyounot？
IhaveknownMr。Pickwicknow，aswellasIrecollectatthismoment，nearly——
Pray，Mr。Winkle，donotevadethequestion。Areyou，orareyounot，aparticularfriendofthedefendant’s？
Iwasjustabouttosay，that——
Willyou，orwillyounot，answermyquestion，sir？
Ifyoudon’tanswerthequestionyou’llbecommitted，sir，interposedthelittlejudge，lookingoverhisnote-book。
Come，sir，saidMr。Skimpin，yesorno，ifyouplease。
Yes，Iam，repliedMr。Winkle。
Yes，youare。Andwhycouldn’tyousaythatatonce，sir？Perhapsyouknowtheplaintiff，too？Eh，Mr。Winkle？
Idon’tknowher。I’veseenher。
Oh，youdon’tknowher，butyou’veseenher？Now，havethegoodnesstotellthegentlemenofthejurywhatyoumeanbythat，Mr。Winkle。
ImeanthatIamnotintimatewithher，butIhaveseenherwhenI
wenttocallonMr。PickwickinGoswellStreet。
Howoftenhaveyouseenher，sir？
Howoften？
Yes，Mr。Winkle，howoften？I’llrepeatthequestionforyouadozentimes，ifyourequireit，sir。Andthelearnedgentleman，withafirmandsteadyfrown，placedhishandsonhiships，andsmiledsuspiciouslyatthejury。
Onthisquestiontherearosetheedifyingbrow-beating，customaryonsuchpoints。Firstofall，Mr。WinklesaiditwasquiteimpossibleforhimtosayhowmanytimeshehadseenMrs。Bardell。Thenhewasaskedifhehadseenhertwentytimes，towhichhereplied，Certainly，——morethanthat。Thenhewasaskedwhetherhehadn’tseenherahundredtimes——whetherhecouldn’tswearthathehadseenhermorethanfiftytimes——whetherhedidn’tknowthathehadseenheratleastseventy-fivetimes——andsoforth。
thesatisfactoryconclusionwhichwasarrivedat，atlast，being，thathehadbettertakecareofhimself，andmindwhathewasabout。Thewitnesshavingbeenbythesemeansreducedtotherequisiteebbofnervousperplexity，theexaminationwascontinuedasfollows：
Pray，Mr。Winkle，doyouremembercallingonthedefendantPickwickattheseapartmentsintheplaintiff’shouseinGoswellStreet，ononeparticularmorning，inthemonthofJulylast？
Yes，Ido。
WereyouaccompaniedonthatoccasionbyafriendofthenameofTupman，andanotherofthenameofSnodgrass？
Yes，Iwas。
Aretheyhere？
Yes，theyare，repliedMr。Winkle，lookingveryearnestlytowardsthespotwherehisfriendswerestationed。
Prayattendtome，Mr。Winkle，andnevermindyourfriends，saidMr。
Skimpin，withanotherexpressivelookatthejury。Theymusttelltheirstorieswithoutanypreviousconsultationwithyou，ifnonehasyettakenplaceanotherlookatthejury。Now，sir，tellthegentlemenofthejurywhatyousawonenteringthedefendant’sroom，onthisparticularmorning。
Come。outwithit，sir。wemusthaveit，soonerorlater。
Thedefendant，Mr。Pickwick，washoldingtheplaintiffinhisarms，withhishandsclaspingherwaist，repliedMr。Winklewithnaturalhesitation，andtheplaintiffappearedtohavefaintedaway。
Didyouhearthedefendantsayanything？
IheardhimcallMrs。Bardellagoodcreature，andIheardhimaskhertocomposeherself，forwhatasituationitwas，ifanybodyshouldcome，orwordstothateffect。
Now，Mr。Winkle，Ihaveonlyonemorequestiontoaskyou，andIbegyoutobearinmindhislordship’scaution。WillyouundertaketoswearthatPickwick，thedefendant，didnotsayontheoccasioninquestion，`MydearMrs。Bardell，you’reagoodcreature。composeyourselftothissituation，fortothissituationyoumustcome，’orwordstothateffect？
I——Ididn’tunderstandhimso，certainly，saidMr。Winkle，astoundedatthisingeniousdove-tailingofthefewwordshehadheard，Iwasonthestaircase，andcouldn’theardistinctly。theimpressiononmymindis——
Thegentlemenofthejurywantnoneoftheimpressionsonyourmind，Mr。Winkle，whichIfearwouldbeoflittleservicetohonest，straightforwardmen，interposedMr。Skimpin。Youwereonthestaircase，anddidn’tdistinctlyhear。butyouwillnotswearthatPickwickdidnotmakeuseoftheexpressionsIhavequoted？DoIunderstandthat？
No，Iwillnot，repliedMr。Winkle。anddownsatMr。Skimpinwithatriumphantcountenance。
Mr。Pickwick’scasehadnotgoneoffinsoparticularlyhappyamanner，uptothispoint，thatitcouldverywellaffordtohaveanyadditionalsuspicioncastuponit。Butasitcouldaffordtobeplacedinaratherbetterlight，ifpossible，Mr。PhunkyroseforthepurposeofgettingsomethingimportantoutofMr。Winkleincross-examination。Whetherhedidgetanythingimportantoutofhim，willimmediatelyappear。
Ibelieve，Mr。Winkle，saidMr。Phunky，thatMr。Pickwickisnotayoungman？
Ohno，repliedMr。Winkle，oldenoughtobemyfather。
YouhavetoldmylearnedfriendthatyouhaveknownMr。Pickwickalongtime。Hadyoueveranyreasontosupposeorbelievethathewasabouttobemarried？
Ohno。certainlynot。repliedMr。Winklewithsomucheagerness，thatMr。Phunkyoughttohavegothimoutoftheboxwithallpossibledispatch。
Lawyersholdthattherearetwokindsofparticularlybadwitnesses：areluctantwitness，andatoo-willingwitness。itwasMr。Winkle’sfatetofigureinbothcharacters。
Iwillevengofurtherthanthis，Mr。Winkle，continuedMr。Phunkyinamostsmoothandcomplacentmanner。DidyoueverseeanythinginMr。
Pickwick’smannerandconducttowardstheoppositesex，toinduceyoutobelievethatheevercontemplatedmatrimonyoflateyears，inanycase？
Ohno。certainlynot，repliedMr。Winkle。
Hashisbehaviour，whenfemaleshavebeeninthecase，alwaysbeenthatofaman，who，havingattainedaprettyadvancedperiodoflife，contentwithhisownoccupationsandamusements，treatsthemonlyasafathermighthisdaughters？
Nottheleastdoubtofit，repliedMr。Winkle，inthefulnessofhisheart。Thatis——yes——ohyes——certainly。
YouhaveneverknownanythinginhisbehaviourtowardsMrs。Bardell，oranyotherfemale，intheleastdegreesuspicious？saidMr。Phunky，preparingtositdown。forSerjeantSnubbinwaswinkingathim。
N——n——no，repliedMr。Winkle，exceptononetriflingoccasion，which，Ihavenodoubt，mightbeeasilyexplained。
Now，iftheunfortunateMr。PhunkyhadsatdownwhenSerjeantSnubbinwinkedathim，orifSerjeantBuzfuzhadstoppedthisirregularcross-examinationattheoutsetwhichheknewbetterthantodo。observingMr。Winkle’sanxiety，andwellknowingitwould，inallprobability，leadtosomethingserviceabletohim，thisunfortunateadmissionwouldnothavebeenelicited。
ThemomentthewordsfellfromMr。Winkle’slips，Mr。Phunkysatdown，andSerjeantSnubbinratherhastilytoldhimhemightleavethebox，whichMr。Winklepreparedtodowithgreatreadiness，whenSerjeantBuzfuzstoppedhim。
Stay，Mr。Winkle，stay！saidSerjeantBuzfuz，willyourlordshiphavethegoodnesstoaskhim，whatthisoneinstanceofsuspiciousbehaviourtowardsfemalesonthepartofthisgentleman，whoisoldenoughtobehisfather，was？
Youhearwhatthelearnedcounselsays，sir，observedthejudge，turningtothemiserableandagonisedMr。Winkle，Describetheoccasiontowhichyourefer。
Mylord，saidMr。Winkle，tremblingwithanxiety，I——I’drathernot。
Perhapsso，saidthelittlejudge。butyoumust。
Amidtheprofoundsilenceofthewholecourt，Mr。Winklefalteredout，thatthetriflingcircumstanceofsuspicionwasMr。Pickwick’sbeingfoundinalady’ssleepingapartmentatmidnight。whichhadterminated，hebelieved，inthebreakingoffoftheprojectedmarriageoftheladyinquestion，andhadled，heknew，tothewholepartybeingforciblycarriedbeforeGeorgeNupkins，Esq。，magistrateandjusticeofthepeace，fortheboroughofIpswich！
Youmayleavethebox，sir，saidSerjeantSnubbin。Mr。Winkledidleavethebox，andrushedwithdelirioushastetotheGeorgeandVulture，wherehewasdiscoveredsomehoursafter，bythewaiter，groaninginahollowanddismalmanner，withhisheadburiedbeneaththesofacushions。
TracyTupman，andAugustusSnodgrass，wereseverallycalledintothebox。bothcorroboratedthetestimonyoftheirunhappyfriend。andeachwasdriventothevergeofdesperationbyexcessivebadgering。
SusannahSanderswasthencalled，andexaminedbySerjeantBuzfuz，andcross-examinedbySerjeantSnubbin。HadalwayssaidandbelievedthatPickwickwouldmarryMrs。Bardell。knewthatMrs。Bardell’sbeingengagedtoPickwickwasthecurrenttopicofconversationintheneighbourhood，afterthefaintinginJuly。hadbeentolditherselfbyMrs。Mudberrywhichkeptamangle，andMrs。Bunkinwhichclear-starched，butdidnotseeeitherMrs。MudberryorMrs。Bunkinincourt。HadheardPickwickaskthelittleboyhowheshouldliketohaveanotherfather。DidnotknowthatMrs。Bardellwasatthattimekeepingcompanywiththebaker，butdidknowthatthebakerwasthenasinglemanandisnowmarried。Couldn’tswearthatMrs。Bardellwasnotveryfondofthebaker，butshouldthinkthatthebakerwasnotveryfondofMrs。Bardell，orhewouldn’thavemarriedsomebodyelse。ThoughtMrs。
BardellfaintedawayonthemorninginJuly，becausePickwickaskedhertonametheday。knewthatshewitnessfaintedawaystonedeadwhenMr。
Sandersaskedhertonametheday，andbelievedthateverybodyascalledherselfaladywoulddothesame，undersimilarcircumstances。HeardPickwickasktheboythequestionaboutthemarbles，butuponheroathdidnotknowthedifferencebetweenanalleytorandacommoney。
BytheCOURT——DuringtheperiodofherkeepingcompanywithMr。Sanders，hadreceivedloveletters，likeotherladies。
InthecourseoftheircorrespondenceMr。Sandershadoftencalledheraduck，butneverchops，noryettomatosauce。Hewasparticularlyfondofducks。Perhapsifhehadbeenasfondofchopsandtomatosauce，hemighthavecalledherthat，asatermofaffection。
SerjeantBuzfuznowrosewithmoreimportancethanhehadyetexhibited，ifthatwerepossible，andvociferated：CallSamuelWeller。
ItwasquiteunnecessarytocallSamuelWeller。forSamuelWellersteppedbrisklyintotheboxtheinstanthisnamewaspronounced。andplacinghishatonthefloor，andhisarmsontherail，tookabird’s-eyeviewofthebar，andacomprehensivesurveyofthebench，witharemarkablycheerfulandlivelyaspect。
What’syourname，sir？inquiredthejudge。
SamWeller，mylord，repliedthatgentleman。
Doyouspellitwitha`V’ora`W’？inquiredthejudge。
Thatdependsuponthetasteandfancyofthespeller，mylord，repliedSam。Ineverhadoccasiontospellitmorethanonceortwiceinmylife，butIspellsitwitha`V。’
Hereavoiceinthegalleryexclaimedaloud，Quiterighttoo，Samivel，quiteright。Putitdownawe，mylord，putitdownawe。
Whoisthat，whodarestoaddressthecourt？saidthelittlejudge，lookingup。Usher。
Yes，mylord。
Bringthatpersonhereinstantly。
Yes，mylord。
Butastheusherdidn’tfindtheperson，hedidn’tbringhim。and，afteragreatcommotion，allthepeoplewhohadgotuptolookfortheculprit，satdownagain。Thelittlejudgeturnedtothewitnessassoonashisindignationwouldallowhimtospeak，andsaid，Doyouknowwhothatwas，sir？
Iraythersuspectitwasmyfather，mylord，repliedSam。
Doyouseehimherenow？saidthejudge。
No，Idon’t，mylord，repliedSam，staringrightupintothelanternintheroofofthecourt。
Ifyoucouldhavepointedhimout，Iwouldhavecommittedhiminstantly，
saidthejudge。
Sambowedhisacknowledgmentsandturned，withunimpairedcheerfulnessofcountenance，towardsSerjeantBuzfuz。
Now，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz。
Now，sir，repliedSam。
IbelieveyouareintheserviceofMr。Pickwick，thedefendantinthiscase。Speakup，ifyouplease，Mr。Weller。
Imeantospeakup，sir，repliedSam。Iamintheserviceo’that’eregen’l’man，andawerygoodserviceitis。
Littletodo，andplentytoget，Isuppose？saidSerjeantBuzfuz，withjocularity。
Oh，quiteenoughtoget，sir，asthesoldiersaidventheyorderedhimthreehundredandfiftylashes，repliedSam。
Youmustnottelluswhatthesoldier，oranyotherman，said，sir，
interposedthejudge。it’snotevidence。
Werygood，mylord，repliedSam。
Doyourecollectanythingparticularhappeningonthemorningwhenyouwerefirstengagedbythedefendant。eh，Mr。Weller？saidSerjeantBuzfuz。
YesIdo，sir，repliedSam。
Havethegoodnesstotellthejurywhatitwas。
Ihadareg’larnewfitouto’clothesthatmornin’，gen’l’menofthejury，saidSam，andthatwasawerypartickleranduncommoncircumstancevithmeinthosedays。
Hereupontherewasagenerallaugh。andthelittlejudge，lookingwithanangrycountenanceoverhisdesk，said，Youhadbetterbecareful，sir。
SoMr。Pickwicksaidatthetime，mylord，repliedSam。andIwaswerycarefulo’that’eresuito’clothes。werycarefulindeed，mylord。
ThejudgelookedsternlyatSamforfulltwominutes，butSam’sfeaturesweresoperfectlycalmandserenethatthejudgesaidnothing，andmotionedSerjeantBuzfuztoproceed。
Doyoumeantotellme，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，foldinghisarmsemphatically，andturninghalf-roundtothejury，asifinmuteassurancethathewouldbotherthewitnessyet：Doyoumeantotellme，Mr。Weller，thatyousawnothingofthisfaintingonthepartoftheplaintiffinthearmsofthedefendant，whichyouhavehearddescribedbythewitnesses？
Certainlynot，repliedSam。Iwasinthepassage’tilltheycalledmeup，andthentheoldladywasnotthere。
Now，attend，Mr。Weller，saidSerjeantBuzfuz，dippingalargepenintotheinkstandbeforehim，forthepurposeoffrighteningSamwithashowoftakingdownhisanswer。Youwereinthepassage，andyetsawnothingofwhatwasgoingforward。Haveyouapairofeyes，Mr。Weller？
Yes，Ihaveapairofeyes，repliedSam，andthat’sjustit。Iftheywosapairo’patentdoublemillionmagnifyin’gasmicroscopesofhextrapower，p’rapsImightbeabletoseethroughaflighto’stairsandadealdoor。butbein’onlyeyes，yousee，mywision’slimited。