CHAPTERII
OFREPENTANCE
Othersformman;Ionlyreporthim:andrepresentaparticularone，illfashionedenough，andwhom，ifIhadtomodelhimanew，Ishouldcertainlymakesomethingelsethanwhatheisbutthat’spastrecalling。
Now，thoughthefeaturesofmypicturealterandchange，’tisnot，however，unlike:theworldeternallyturnsround;allthingsthereinareincessantlymoving，theearth，therocksofCaucasus，andthepyramidsofEgypt，bothbythepublicmotionandtheirown。Evenconstancyitselfisnootherbutaslowerandmorelanguishingmotion。Icannotfixmyobject;’tisalwaystotteringandreelingbyanaturalgiddiness;ItakeitasitisattheinstantIconsiderit;Idonotpaintitsbeing，I
paintitspassage;notapassingfromoneagetoanother，or，asthepeoplesay，fromseventosevenyears，butfromdaytoday，fromminutetominute，Imustaccommodatemyhistorytothehour:Imaypresentlychange，notonlybyfortune，butalsobyintention。’Tisacounterpartofvariousandchangeableaccidents，andofirresoluteimaginations，and，asitfallsout，sometimescontrary:whetheritbethatIamthenanotherself，orthatItakesubjectsbyothercircumstancesandconsiderations:
soitisthatImayperadventurecontradictmyself，but，asDemadessaid，Inevercontradictthetruth。Couldmysouloncetakefooting，Iwouldnotessaybutresolve:butitisalwayslearningandmakingtrial。
Iproposealifeordinaryandwithoutlustre:’tisallone;allmoralphilosophymayaswellbeappliedtoacommonandprivatelife，astooneofrichercomposition:everymancarriestheentireformofhumancondition。Authorscommunicatethemselvestothepeoplebysomeespecialandextrinsicmark;I，thefirstofany，bymyuniversalbeing;asMicheldeMontaigne，notasagrammarian，apoet，oralawyer。IftheworldfindfaultthatIspeaktoomuchofmyself，Ifindfaultthattheydonotsomuchasthinkofthemselves。Butisitreasonthat，beingsoparticularinmywayofliving，Ishouldpretendtorecommendmyselftothepublicknowledge？AndisitalsoreasonthatIshouldproducetotheworld，whereartandhandlinghavesomuchcreditandauthority，crudeandsimpleeffectsofnature，andofaweaknaturetoboot？Isitnottobuildawallwithoutstoneorbrick，orsomesuchthing，towritebookswithoutlearningandwithoutart？Thefanciesofmusicarecarriedonbyart;minebychance。Ihavethis，atleast，accordingtodiscipline，thatneveranymantreatedofasubjecthebetterunderstoodandknewthanIwhatIhaveundertaken，andthatinthisIamthemostunderstandingmanalive:secondly，thatneveranymanpenetratedfartherintohismatter，norbetterandmoredistinctlysiftedthepartsandsequencesofit，norevermoreexactlyandfullyarrivedattheendheproposedtohimself。Toperfectit，Ineedbringnothingbutfidelitytothework;andthatisthere，andthemostpureandsincerethatisanywheretobefound。Ispeaktruth，notsomuchasIwould，butasmuchasIdare;andIdarealittlethemore，asIgrowolder;for，methinks，customallowstoagemorelibertyofprating，andmoreindiscretionoftalkingofaman’sself。Thatcannotfallouthere，whichIoftenseeelsewhere，thattheworkandtheartificercontradictoneanother:
\"Canamanofsuchsoberconversationhavewrittensofoolishabook？\"
Or\"Dosolearnedwritingsproceedfromamanofsoweakconversation？\"
Hewhotalksataveryordinaryrate，andwritesrarematter，’tistosaythathiscapacityisborrowedandnothisown。Alearnedmanisnotlearnedinallthings:butasufficientmanissufficientthroughout，eventoignoranceitself;heremybookandIgohandinhandtogether。
Elsewheremenmaycommendorcensurethework，withoutreferencetotheworkman;heretheycannot:whotouchestheone，touchestheother。Hewhoshalljudgeofitwithoutknowinghim，willmorewronghimselfthanme;hewhodoesknowhim，givesmeallthesatisfactionIdesire。I
shallbehappybeyondmydesert，ifIcanobtainonlythusmuchfromthepublicapprobation，astomakemenofunderstandingperceivethatIwascapableofprofitingbyknowledge，hadIhadit;andthatIdeservedtohavebeenassistedbyabettermemory。
BepleasedheretoexcusewhatIoftenrepeat，thatIveryrarelyrepent，andthatmyconscienceissatisfiedwithitself，notastheconscienceofanangel，orthatofahorse，butastheconscienceofaman;alwaysaddingthisclause，notoneofceremony，butatrueandrealsubmission，thatIspeakinquiringanddoubting，purelyandsimplyreferringmyselftothecommonandacceptedbeliefsfortheresolution。Idonotteach;I
onlyrelate。
Thereisnovicethatisabsolutelyavicewhichdoesnotoffend，andthatasoundjudgmentdoesnotaccuse;forthereisinitsomanifestadeformityandinconvenience，thatperadventuretheyareintherightwhosaythatitischieflybegottenbystupidityandignorance:sohardisittoimaginethatamancanknowwithoutabhorringit。Malicesucksupthegreatestpartofitsownvenom，andpoisonsitself。Viceleavesrepentanceinthesoul，likeanulcerintheflesh，whichisalwaysscratchingandlaceratingitself:forreasoneffacesallothergriefandsorrows，butitbegetsthatofrepentance，whichissomuchthemoregrievous，byreasonitspringswithin，asthecoldandheatoffeversaremoresharpthanthosethatonlystrikeupontheoutwardskin。Iholdforvices（buteveryoneaccordingtoitsproportion），notonlythosewhichreasonandnaturecondemn，butthosealsowhichtheopinionofmen，thoughfalseanderroneous，havemadesuch，ifauthorisedbylawandcustom。
Thereislikewisenovirtuewhichdoesnotrejoiceawell—descendednature:thereisakindof，Iknownotwhat，congratulationinwell—doingthatgivesusaninwardsatisfaction，andagenerousboldnessthataccompaniesagoodconscience:asouldaringlyviciousmay，peradventure，armitselfwithsecurity，butitcannotsupplyitselfwiththiscomplacencyandsatisfaction。’Tisnolittlesatisfactiontofeelaman’sselfpreservedfromthecontagionofsodepravedanage，andtosaytohimself:\"Whoevercouldpenetrateintomysoulwouldnottherefindmeguiltyeitheroftheafflictionorruinofanyone，orofrevengeorenvy，oranyoffenceagainstthepubliclaws，orofinnovationordisturbance，orfailureofmyword;andthoughthelicenceofthetimepermitsandteacheseveryonesotodo，yethaveInotplunderedanyFrenchman’sgoods，ortakenhismoney，andhaveliveduponwhatismyown，inwaraswellasinpeace;neitherhaveIsetanymantoworkwithoutpayinghimhishire。\"Thesetestimoniesofagoodconscienceplease，andthisnaturalrejoicingisverybeneficialtous，andtheonlyrewardthatwecanneverfailof。
Togroundtherecompenseofvirtuousactionsupontheapprobationofothersistoouncertainandunsafeafoundation，especiallyinsocorruptandignorantanageasthis，whereinthegoodopinionofthevulgarisinjurious:uponwhomdoyourelytoshowyouwhatisrecommendable？Goddefendmefrombeinganhonestman，accordingtothedescriptionsofhonourIdailyseeeveryonemakeofhimself:
\"Quaefuerantvitia，moressunt。\"
[\"Whatbeforehadbeenvicesarenowmanners。\"——Seneca，Ep。，39。]
Someofmyfriendshaveattimesschooledandscoldedmewithgreatsincerityandplainness，eitheroftheirownvoluntarymotion，orbymeentreatedtoitastoanoffice，whichtoawell—composedsoulsurpassesnotonlyinutility，butinkindness，allotherofficesoffriendship:I
havealwaysreceivedthemwiththemostopenarms，bothofcourtesyandacknowledgment;buttosaythetruth，Ihaveoftenfoundsomuchfalsemeasure，bothintheirreproachesandpraises，thatIhadnotdonemuchamiss，rathertohavedoneill，thantohavedonewellaccordingtotheirnotions。We，wholiveprivatelives，notexposedtoanyotherviewthanourown，oughtchieflytohavesettledapatternwithinourselvesbywhichtotryouractions:andaccordingtothat，sometimestoencourageandsometimestocorrectourselves。Ihavemylawsandmyjudicaturetojudgeofmyself，andapplymyselfmoretothesethantoanyotherrules:
Ido，indeed，restrainmyactionsaccordingtoothers;butextendthemnotbyanyotherrulethanmyown。Youyourselfonlyknowifyouarecowardlyandcruel，loyalanddevout:othersseeyounot，andonlyguessatyoubyuncertainconjectures，anddonotsomuchseeyournatureasyourart;relynotthereforeupontheiropinions，butsticktoyourown:
\"Tuotibijudicioestutendum……Virtutisetvitiorumgraveipsiusconscientiaepondusest:quasublata，jacentomnia。\"
[\"Thoumustemploythyownjudgmentuponthyself;greatistheweightofthyownconscienceinthediscoveryofvirtuesandvices:
whichtakenaway，allthingsarelost。\"
——Cicero，DeNat。Dei，iii。35;Tusc。Quaes。，i。25。]
Butthesayingthatrepentanceimmediatelyfollowsthesinseemsnottohaverespecttosininitshighestate，whichislodgedinusasinitsownproperhabitation。Onemaydisownandretractthevicesthatsurpriseus，andtowhichwearehurriedbypassions;butthosewhichbyalonghabitarerootedinastrongandvigorouswillarenotsubjecttocontradiction。Repentanceisnootherbutarecantingofthewillandanoppositiontoourfancies，whichleaduswhichwaytheyplease。Itmakesthispersondisownhisformervirtueandcontinency:
\"Quaemensesthodie，cureademnonpuerofait？
Velcurhisanimisincolumesnonredeuntgenae？
[Whatmymindis，whywasitnotthesame，whenIwasaboy？orwhydonotthecheeksreturntothesefeelings？\"
——Horace，Od。，v。10，7。]
’Tisanexactlifethatmaintainsitselfindueorderinprivate。Everyonemayjugglehispart，andrepresentanhonestmanuponthestage:butwithin，andinhisownbosom，whereallmaydoastheylist，whereallisconcealed，toberegular，there’sthepoint。Thenextdegreeistobesoinhishouse，andinhisordinaryactions，forwhichweareaccountabletonone，andwherethereisnostudynorartifice。AndthereforeBias，settingforththeexcellentstateofaprivatefamily，says:\"ofwhichathemasteristhesamewithin，byhisownvirtueandtemper，thatheisabroad，forfearofthelawsandreportofmen。\"AnditwasaworthysayingofJuliusDrusus，tothemasonswhoofferedhim，forthreethousandcrowns，toputhishouseinsuchaposturethathisneighboursshouldnolongerhavethesameinspectionintoitasbefore;\"Iwillgiveyou，\"saidhe，\"sixthousandtomakeitsothateverybodymayseeintoeveryroom。\"’TishonourablyrecordedofAgesilaus，thatheusedinhisjourneysalwaystotakeuphislodgingsintemples，totheendthatthepeopleandthegodsthemselvesmightpryintohismostprivateactions。
Suchaonehasbeenamiracletotheworld，inwhomneitherhiswifenorservanthaseverseenanythingsomuchasremarkable;fewmenhavebeenadmiredbytheirowndomestics;noonewaseveraprophet，notmerelyinhisownhouse，butinhisowncountry，saystheexperienceofhistories:
——[Nomanisaherotohisvalet—de—chambre，saidMarshalCatinat]——’tisthesameinthingsofnought，andinthislowexampletheimageofagreateristobeseen。InmycountryofGascony，theylookuponitasadrollerytoseemeinprint;thefurtheroffIamreadfrommyownhome，thebetterIamesteemed。IpurchaseprintersinGuienne;elsewheretheypurchaseme。Uponthisitisthattheylaytheirfoundationwhoconcealthemselvespresentandliving，toobtainanamewhentheyaredeadandabsent。Ihadratherhaveagreatdeallessinhand，anddonotexposemyselftotheworlduponanyotheraccountthanmypresentshare;whenI
leaveitIquittherest。Seethisfunctionarywhomthepeopleescortinstate，withwonderandapplause，tohisverydoor;heputsoffthepageantwithhisrobe，andfallssomuchthelowerbyhowmuchhewashigherexalted:inhimselfwithin，allistumultanddegraded。Andthoughallshouldberegularthere，itwillrequireavividandwell—
chosenjudgmenttoperceiveitintheselowandprivateactions;towhichmaybeadded，thatorderisadull，sombrevirtue。Toenterabreach，conductanembassy，governapeople，areactionsofrenown;toreprehend，laugh，sell，pay，love，hate，andgentlyandjustlyconversewithaman’sownfamilyandwithhimself;nottorelax，nottogiveaman’sselfthelie，ismorerareandhard，andlessremarkable。Bywhichmeans，retiredlives，whateverissaidtothecontrary，undergodutiesofasgreatorgreaterdifficultythantheothersdo;andprivatemen，saysAristotle，’
servevirtuemorepainfullyandhighlythanthoseinauthoritydo:
weprepareourselvesforeminentoccasions，moreoutofglorythanconscience。Theshortestwaytoarriveatglory，wouldbetodothatforconsciencewhichwedoforglory:andthevirtueofAlexanderappearstomeofmuchlessvigourinhisgreattheatre，thanthatofSocratesinhismeanandobscureemployment。IcaneasilyconceiveSocratesintheplaceofAlexander，butAlexanderinthatofSocrates，Icannot。Whoshallasktheonewhathecando，hewillanswer，\"Subduetheworld\":andwhoshallputthesamequestiontotheother，hewillsay，\"Carryonhumanlifeconformablywithitsnaturalcondition\";amuchmoregeneral，weighty，andlegitimatesciencethantheother。——[Montaigneaddedhere，\"Todofortheworldthatforwhichhecameintotheworld，\"butheafterwardserasedthesewordsfromthemanuscript。——Naigeon。]
Thevirtueofthesouldoesnotconsistinflyinghigh，butinwalkingorderly;itsgrandeurdoesnotexerciseitselfingrandeur，butinmediocrity。Astheywhojudgeandtryuswithin，makenogreataccountofthelustreofourpublicactions，andseetheyareonlystreaksandraysofclearwaterspringingfromaslimyandmuddybottomso，likewise，theywhojudgeofusbythisgallantoutwardappearance，inlikemannerconcludeofourinternalconstitution;andcannotcouplecommonfaculties，andliketheirown，withtheotherfacultiesthatastonishthem，andaresofaroutoftheirsight。Thereforeitisthatwegivesuchsavageformstodemons:andwhodoesnotgiveTamerlanegreateyebrows，widenostrils，adreadfulvisage，andaprodigiousstature，accordingtotheimaginationhehasconceivedbythereportofhisname？
HadanyoneformerlybroughtmetoErasmus，Ishouldhardlyhavebelievedbutthatallwasadageandapothegmhespoketohismanorhishostess。
Wemuchmoreaptlyimagineanartisanuponhisclose—stool，oruponhiswife，thanagreatpresidentvenerablebyhisportandsufficiency:wefancythatthey，fromtheirhightribunals，willnotabasethemselvessomuchastolive。Asvicioussoulsareoftenincitedbysomeforeignimpulsetodowell，soarevirtuoussoulstodoill;theyarethereforetobejudgedbytheirsettledstate，whentheyareathome，wheneverthatmaybe;and，atallevents，whentheyarenearerrepose，andintheirnativestation。
Naturalinclinationsaremuchassistedandfortifiedbyeducation;buttheyseldomalterandovercometheirinstitution:athousandnaturesofmytimehaveescapedtowardsvirtueorvice，throughaquitecontrarydiscipline:
\"Sicubi，desuetaesilvis，incarcereclausaeMansuevereferx，etvultusposuereminaces，Atquehominemdidicerepati，sitorridaparvusVenitinoracruor，redeuntrabiesquefororque，AdmonitaequetumentgustatosanguinefaucesFervet，etatrepidovixabstinetiramagistro;\"
[\"Sosavagebeasts，whenshutupincagesandgrownunaccustomedtothewoods，havebecometame，andhavelaidasidetheirfiercelooks，andsubmittotheruleofman;ifagainaslighttasteofbloodcomesintotheirmouths，theirrageandfuryreturn，theirjawsareerectedbythirstofblood，andtheirangerscarcelyabstainsfromtheirtremblingmasters。\"——Lucan，iv。237。]
theseoriginalqualitiesarenottoberootedout;theymaybecoveredandconcealed。TheLatintongueisasitwerenaturaltome;I
understanditbetterthanFrench;butIhavenotbeenusedtospeakit，norhardlytowriteit，thesefortyyears。UnlessuponextremeandsuddenemotionswhichIhavefallenintotwiceorthriceinmylife，andonceseeingmyfatherinperfecthealthfalluponmeinaswoon，IhavealwaysutteredfromthebottomofmyheartmyfirstwordsinLatin;
naturedeafened，andforciblyexpressingitself，inspiteofsolongadiscontinuation;andthisexampleissaidofmanyothers。
Theywhoinmytimehaveattemptedtocorrectthemannersoftheworldbynewopinions，reformseemingvices;buttheessentialvicestheyleaveastheywere，ifindeedtheydonotaugmentthem，andaugmentationisthereintobefeared;wedeferallotherwelldoingupontheaccountoftheseexternalreformations，oflesscostandgreatershow，andtherebyexpiategoodcheap，fortheothernatural，consubstantial，andintestinevices。Lookalittleintoourexperience:thereisnoman，ifhelistentohimself，whodoesnotinhimselfdiscoveraparticularandgoverningformofhisown，thatjostleshiseducation，andwrestleswiththetempestofpassionsthatarecontrarytoit。Formypart，Iseldomfindmyselfagitatedwithsurprises;Ialwaysfindmyselfinmyplace，asheavyandunwieldybodiesdo;ifIamnotathome，Iamalwaysnearathand;mydissipationsdonottransportmeveryfar;thereisnothingstrangeorextremeinthecase;andyetIhavesoundandvigorousturns。
Thetruecondemnation，andwhichtouchesthecommonpracticeofmen，isthattheirveryretirementitselfisfulloffilthandcorruption;theideaoftheirreformationcomposed，theirrepentancesickandfaulty，verynearlyasmuchastheirsin。Some，eitherfromhavingbeenlinkedtovicebyanaturalpropensionorlongpractice，cannotseeitsdeformity。Others（ofwhichconstitutionIam）doindeedfeeltheweightofvice，buttheycounterbalanceitwithpleasure，orsomeotheroccasion;andsufferandlendthemselvestoitforacertainprice，butviciouslyandbasely。Yettheremight，haply，beimaginedsovastadisproportionofmeasure，wherewithjusticethepleasuremightexcusethesin，aswesayofutility;notonlyifaccidentalandoutofsin，asinthefts，butintheveryexerciseofsin，orintheenjoymentofwomen，wherethetemptationisviolent，and，’tissaid，sometimesnottobeovercome。
BeingtheotherdayatArmaignac，ontheestateofakinsmanofmine，I
theresawapeasantwhowasbyeveryonenicknamedthethief。Hethusrelatedthestoryofhislife:that，beingbornabeggar，andfindingthatheshouldnotbeable，soastobeclearofindigence，togethislivingbythesweatofhisbrow，heresolvedtoturnthief，andbymeansofhisstrengthofbodyhadexercisedthistradeallthetimeofhisyouthingreatsecurity;forheevermadehisharvestandvintageinothermen’sgrounds，butagreatwayoff，andinsogreatquantities，thatitwasnottobeimaginedonemancouldhavecarriedawaysomuchinonenightuponhisshoulders;and，moreover，hewascarefulequallytodivideanddistributethemischiefhedid，thatthelosswasoflessimportancetoeveryparticularman。Heisnowgrownold，andrichforamanofhiscondition，thankstohistrade，whichheopenlyconfessestoeveryone。AndtomakehispeacewithGod，hesays，thatheisdailyreadybygoodofficestomakesatisfactiontothesuccessorsofthosehehasrobbed，andifhedonotfinish（fortodoitallatonceheisnotable），hewillthenleaveitinchargetohisheirstoperformtherest，proportionablytothewronghehimselfonlyknowshehasdonetoeach。
Bythisdescription，trueorfalse，thismanlooksupontheftasadishonestaction，andhatesit，butlessthanpoverty，andsimplyrepents;buttotheextenthehasthusrecompensedherepentsnot。Thisisnotthathabitwhichincorporatesusintovice，andconformsevenourunderstandingitselftoit;norisitthatimpetuouswhirlwindthatbyguststroublesandblindsoursouls，andforthetimeprecipitatesus，judgmentandall，intothepowerofvice。
IcustomarilydowhatIdothoroughlyandmakebutonestepon’t;Ihaverarelyanymovementthathidesitselfandstealsawayfrommyreason，andthatdoesnotproceedinthematterbytheconsentofallmyfaculties，withoutdivisionorintestinesedition;myjudgmentistohavealltheblameorallthepraise;andtheblameitoncehas，ithasalways;foralmostfrommyinfancyithaseverbeenone:thesameinclination，thesameturn，thesameforce;andastouniversalopinions，IfixedmyselffrommychildhoodintheplacewhereIresolvedtostick。Therearesomesinsthatareimpetuous，prompt，andsudden;letussetthemaside:butintheseothersinssooftenrepeated，deliberated，andcontrived，whethersinsofcomplexionorsinsofprofessionandvocation，Icannotconceivethattheyshouldhavesolongbeensettledinthesameresolution，unlessthereasonandconscienceofhimwhohasthem，beconstanttohavethem;andtherepentanceheboaststobeinspiredwithonasudden，isveryhardformetoimagineorform。IfollownottheopinionofthePythagoreansect，\"thatmentakeupanewsoulwhentheyrepairtotheimagesofthegodstoreceivetheiroracles，\"unlesshemeanthatitmustneedsbeextrinsic，new，andlentforthetime;ourownshowingsolittlesignofpurificationandcleanness，fitforsuchanoffice。
Theyactquitecontrarytothestoicalprecepts，whodoindeedcommandustocorrecttheimperfectionsandvicesweknowourselvesguiltyof，butforbidusthereforetodisturbthereposeofoursouls:thesemakeusbelievethattheyhavegreatgriefandremorsewithin:butofamendment，correction，orinterruption，theymakenothingappear。Itcannotbeacureifthemaladybenotwhollydischarged;ifrepentancewerelaiduponthescaleofthebalance，itwouldweighdownsin。Ifindnoqualitysoeasytocounterfeitasdevotion，ifmendonotconformtheirmannersandlifetotheprofession;itsessenceisabstruseandoccult;theappearanceeasyandostentatious。
Formyownpart，ImaydesireingeneraltobeotherthanIam;Imaycondemnanddislikemywholeform，andbegofAlmightyGodforanentirereformation，andthatHewillpleasetopardonmynaturalinfirmity:butIoughtnottocallthisrepentance，methinks，nomorethanthebeingdissatisfiedthatIamnotanangelorCato。Myactionsareregular，andconformabletowhatIamandtomycondition;Icandonobetter;
andrepentancedoesnotproperlytouchthingsthatarenotinourpower;
sorrowdoes……Iimagineaninfinitenumberofnaturesmoreelevatedandregularthanmine;andyetIdonotforallthatimprovemyfaculties，nomorethanmyarmorwillgrowmorestrongandvigorousforconceivingthoseofanothertobeso。Iftoconceiveandwishanoblerwayofactingthanthatwehaveshouldproducearepentanceofourown，wemustthenrepentusofourmostinnocentactions，forasmuchaswemaywellsupposethatinamoreexcellentnaturetheywouldhavebeencarriedonwithgreaterdignityandperfection;andwewouldthatourswereso。
WhenIreflectuponthedeportmentofmyyouth，withthatofmyoldage，IfindthatIhavecommonlybehavedmyselfwithequalorderinbothaccordingtowhatIunderstand:thisisallthatmyresistancecando。
Idonotflattermyself;inthesamecircumstancesIshoulddothesamethings。Itisnotapatch，butratheranuniversaltincture，withwhichIamstained。Iknownorepentance，superficial，half—way，andceremonious;itmuststingmealloverbeforeIcancallitso，andmustprickmybowelsasdeeplyanduniversallyasGodseesintome。
Astobusiness，manyexcellentopportunitieshaveescapedmeforwantofgoodmanagement;andyetmydeliberationsweresoundenough，accordingtotheoccurrencespresentedtome:’tistheirwaytochoosealwaystheeasiestandsafestcourse。Ifindthat，inmyformerresolves，Ihaveproceededwithdiscretion，accordingtomyownrule，andaccordingtothestateofthesubjectproposed，andshoulddothesameathousandyearshenceinlikeoccasions;Idonotconsiderwhatitisnow，butwhatitwasthen，whenIdeliberatedonit:theforceofallcounselconsistsinthetime;occasionsandthingseternallyshiftandchange。Ihaveinmylifecommittedsomeimportanterrors，notforwantofgoodunderstanding，butforwantofgoodluck。Therearesecret，andnottobeforeseen，partsinmatterswehaveinhand，especiallyinthenatureofmen;muteconditions，thatmakenoshow，unknownsometimeseventothepossessorsthemselves，thatspringandstartupbyincidentaloccasions;ifmyprudencecouldnotpenetrateintonorforeseethem，Iblameitnot:’tiscommissionednofurtherthanitsownlimits;iftheeventbetoohardforme，andtakethesideIhaverefused，thereisnoremedy;Idonotblamemyself，Iaccusemyfortune，andnotmywork;thiscannotbecalledrepentance。
Phocion，havinggiventheAtheniansanadvicethatwasnotfollowed，andtheaffairneverthelesssucceedingcontrarytohisopinion，someonesaidtohim，\"Well，Phocion，artthoucontentthatmattersgosowell？\"——\"Iamverywellcontent，\"repliedhe，\"thatthishashappenedsowell，butIdonotrepentthatIcounselledtheother。\"Whenanyofmyfriendsaddressthemselvestomeforadvice，Igiveitcandidlyandclearly，withoutsticking，asalmostallothermendo，atthehazardofthething’sfallingoutcontrarytomyopinion，andthatImaybereproachedformycounsel;Iamveryindifferentastothat，forthefaultwillbetheirsforhavingconsultedme，andIcouldnotrefusethemthatoffice。
——[Wemaygiveadvicetoothers，saysRochefoucauld，butwecannotsupplythemwiththewittoprofitbyit。]
I，formyownpart，canrarelyblameanyonebutmyselfformyoversightsandmisfortunes，forindeedIseldomsolicittheadviceofanother，ifnotbyhonourofceremony，orexceptingwhereIstandinneedofinformation，specialscience，orastomatteroffact。ButinthingswhereinIstandinneedofnothingbutjudgment，othermen’sreasonsmayservetofortifymyown，buthavelittlepowertodissuademe;Ihearthemallwithcivilityandpatience;but，tomyrecollection，Inevermadeuseofanybutmyown。Withme，theyarebutfliesandatoms，thatconfoundanddistractmywill;Ilaynogreatstressuponmyopinions;
butIlayaslittleuponthoseofothers，andfortunerewardsmeaccordingly:ifIreceivebutlittleadvice，Ialsogivebutlittle。I
amseldomconsulted，andstillmoreseldombelieved，andknownoconcern，eitherpublicorprivate，thathasbeenmendedorbetteredbymyadvice。
Eventheywhomfortunehadinsomesorttiedtomydirection，havemorewillinglysufferedthemselvestobegovernedbyanyothercounselsthanmine。Andasamanwhoamasjealousofmyreposeasofmyauthority，Iambetterpleasedthatitshouldbeso;inleavingmethere，theyhumourwhatIprofess，whichistosettleandwhollycontainmyselfwithinmyself。Itakeapleasureinbeinguninterestedinothermen’saffairs，anddisengagedfrombeingtheirwarranty，andresponsibleforwhattheydo。
Inallaffairsthatarepast，beithowitwill，Ihaveverylittleregret;forthisimaginationputsmeoutofmypain，thattheyweresotofallouttheyareinthegreatrevolutionoftheworld，andinthechainofstoical’causes:yourfancycannot，bywishandimagination，moveonetittle，butthatthegreatcurrentofthingswillnotreverseboththepastandthefuture。
Astotherest，Iabominatethatincidentalrepentancewhicholdagebringsalongwithit。He，whosaidofold，thathewasobligedtohisageforhavingweanedhimfrompleasure，wasofanotheropinionthanI
am;Icanneverthinkmyselfbeholdentoimpotencyforanygooditcandotome:
\"Nectamaversaunquamvidebituraboperesuoprovidentia，utdebilitasinteroptimainventasit。\"
[\"NorcanProvidenceeverseemsoaversetoherownwork，thatdebilityshouldbefoundtobeamongstthebestthings。\"
——Quintilian，Instit。Orat。，v。12。]
Ourappetitesarerareinoldage;aprofoundsatietyseizesusaftertheact;inthisIseenothingofconscience;chagrinandweaknessimprintinusadrowsyandrheumaticvirtue。Wemustnotsufferourselvestobesowhollycarriedawaybynaturalalterationsastosufferourjudgmentstobeimposeduponbythem。Youthandpleasurehavenotformerlysofarprevailedwithme，thatIdidnotwellenoughdiscernthefaceofviceinpleasure;neitherdoesthedistastethatyearshavebroughtme，sofarprevailwithmenow，thatIcannotdiscernpleasureinvice。NowthatI
amnomoreinmyflourishingage，IjudgeaswellofthesethingsasifI
were。
[\"OldthoughIam，forladies’loveunfit，ThepowerofbeautyIrememberyet。\"——Chaucer。]
I，whonarrowlyandstrictlyexamineit，findmyreasontheverysameitwasinmymostlicentiousage，except，perhaps，that’tisweakerandmoredecayedbybeinggrownolder;andIfindthatthepleasureitrefusesmeupontheaccountofmybodilyhealth，itwouldnomorerefusenow，inconsiderationofthehealthofmysoul，thanatanytimeheretofore。
Idonotreputeitthemorevaliantfornotbeingabletocombat;mytemptationsaresobrokenandmortified，thattheyarenotworthitsopposition;holdingbutoutmyhands，Irepelthem。Shouldonepresenttheoldconcupiscencebeforeit，Ifearitwouldhavelesspowertoresistitthanheretofore;Idonotdiscernthatinitselfitjudgesanythingotherwisenowthanitformerlydid，northatithasacquiredanynewlight:wherefore，iftherebeconvalescence，’tisanenchantedone。
Miserablekindofremedy，tooweone’shealthtoone’sdisease！Tisnotthatourmisfortuneshouldperformthisoffice，butthegoodfortuneofourjudgment。Iamnottobemadetodoanythingbypersecutionsandafflictions，buttocursethem:thatis，forpeoplewhocannotberousedbutbyawhip。Myreasonismuchmorefreeinprosperity，andmuchmoredistracted，andputto’ttodigestpainsthanpleasures:Iseebestinaclearsky;healthadmonishesmemorecheerfully，andtobetterpurpose，thansickness。Ididallthatinmelaytoreformandregulatemyselffrompleasures，atatimewhenIhadhealthandvigourtoenjoythem;
Ishouldbeashamedandenviousthatthemiseryandmisfortuneofmyoldageshouldhavecreditovermygoodhealthful，sprightly，andvigorousyears，andthatmenshouldestimateme，notbywhatIhavebeen，butbywhatIhaveceasedtobe。
Inmyopinion，’tisthehappyliving，andnot（asAntisthenes’said）thehappydying，inwhichhumanfelicityconsists。Ihavenotmadeitmybusinesstomakeamonstrousadditionofaphilosopher’stailtotheheadandbodyofalibertine;norwouldIhavethiswretchedremaindergivethelietothepleasant，sound，andlongpartofmylife:Iwouldpresentmyselfuniformlythroughout。WereItolivemylifeoveragain，IshouldliveitjustasIhavelivedit;Ineithercomplainofthepast，nordoI
fearthefuture;andifIamnotmuchdeceived，IamthesamewithinthatIamwithout。’TisonemainobligationIhavetomyfortune，thatthesuccessionofmybodilyestatehasbeencarriedonaccordingtothenaturalseasons;Ihaveseenthegrass，theblossom，andthefruit，andnowseethewithering;happily，however，becausenaturally。IbeartheinfirmitiesIhavethebetter，becausetheycamenottillIhadreasontoexpectthem，andbecausealsotheymakemewithgreaterpleasurerememberthatlongfelicityofmypastlife。Mywisdommayhavebeenjustthesameinbothages，butitwasmoreactive，andofbettergracewhilstyoungandsprightly，thannowitiswhenbroken，peevish，anduneasy。
Irepudiate，then，thesecasualandpainfulreformations。Godmusttouchourhearts;ourconsciencesmustamendofthemselves，bytheaidofourreason，andnotbythedecayofourappetites;pleasureis，initself，neitherpalenordiscoloured，tobediscernedbydimanddecayedeyes。
Weoughttolovetemperanceforitself，andbecauseGodhascommandedthatandchastity;butthatwhichwearereducedtobycatarrhs，andforwhichIamindebtedtothestone，isneitherchastitynortemperance;amancannotboastthathedespisesandresistspleasureifhecannotseeit，ifheknowsnotwhatitis，andcannotdiscernitsgraces，itsforce，andmostalluringbeauties;Iknowboththeoneandtheother，andmaythereforethebettersayit。But;methinks，oursoulsinoldagearesubjecttomoretroublesomemaladiesandimperfectionsthaninyouth;
IsaidthesamewhenyoungandwhenIwasreproachedwiththewantofabeard;andIsaysonowthatmygreyhairsgivemesomeauthority。Wecallthedifficultyofourhumoursandthedisrelishofpresentthingswisdom;but，intruth，wedonotsomuchforsakevicesaswechangethem，andinmyopinion，forworse。Besidesafoolishandfeeblepride，animpertinentprating，frowardandinsociablehumours，superstition，andaridiculousdesireofricheswhenwehavelosttheuseofthem，Ifindtheremoreenvy，injustice，andmalice。Ageimprintsmorewrinklesinthemindthanitdoesontheface;andsoulsarenever，orveryrarelyseen，that，ingrowingold，donotsmellsourandmusty。Manmovesalltogether，bothtowardshisperfectionanddecay。InobservingthewisdomofSocrates，andmanycircumstancesofhiscondemnation，Ishoulddaretobelievethatheinsomesorthimselfpurposely，bycollusion，contributedtoit，seeingthat，attheageofseventyyears，hemightfeartosuffertheloftymotionsofhismindtobecrampedandhiswontedlustreobscured。WhatstrangemetamorphosesdoIseeageeverydaymakeinmanyofmyacquaintance！’Tisapotentmalady，andthatnaturallyandimperceptiblystealsintous;avastprovisionofstudyandgreatprecautionarerequiredtoevadetheimperfectionsitloadsuswith，oratleasttoweakentheirprogress。Ifindthat，notwithstandingallmyentrenchments，itgetsfootbyfootuponme:ImakethebestresistanceI
can，butIdonotknowtowhatatlastitwillreduceme。Butfalloutwhatwill，Iamcontenttheworldmayknow，whenIamfallen，fromwhatI
fell。
CHAPTERIII
OFTHREECOMMERCES
Wemustnotrivetourselvessofasttoourhumoursandcomplexions:ourchiefestsufficiencyistoknowhowtoapplyourselvestodiversemployments。’Tistobe，butnottolive，tokeepaman’sselftiedandboundbynecessitytooneonlycourse;thosearethebravestsoulsthathaveinthemthemostvarietyandpliancy。OfthishereisanhonourabletestimonyoftheelderCato:
\"Huicversatileingeniumsicpariteradomniafuit，utnatumadidunumdiceres，quodcumqueageret。\"
[\"Hispartsweresopliabletoalluses，thatonewouldsayhehadbeenbornonlytothatwhichhewasdoing。\"——Livy，xxxix。49。]
HadIlibertytosetmyselfforthaftermyownmode，thereisnosogracefulfashiontowhichIwouldbesofixedasnottobeabletodisengagemyselffromit;lifeisanunequal，irregularandmultiformmotion。’Tisnottobeafriendtoone’sself，muchlessamaster’tistobeaslave，incessantlytobeledbythenosebyone’sself，andtobesofixedinone’spreviousinclinations，thatonecannotturnasidenorwritheone’sneckoutofthecollar。Isaythisnowinthispartofmylife，whereinIfindIcannoteasilydisengagemyselffromtheimportunityofmysoul，whichcannotordinarilyamuseitselfbutinthingsoflimitedrange，noremployitselfotherwisethanentirelyandwithallitsforce;uponthelightestsubjectoffereditexpandsandstretchesittothatdegreeasthereintoemployitsutmostpower;
whereforeitisthatidlenessistomeaverypainfullabour，andveryprejudicialtomyhealth。Mostmen’smindsrequireforeignmattertoexerciseandenliventhem;minehasratherneedofittositstillandreposeitself，\"Vitiaotiinegotiodiscutiendasunt，\"
[\"Thevicesofslotharetobeshakenoffbybusiness。\"
——Seneca，Ep。56。]
foritschiefestandhardeststudyistostudyitself。Booksaretoitasortofemploymentthatdebauchitfromitsstudy。Uponthefirstthoughtsthatpossessit，itbeginstobustleandmaketrialofitsvigourinalldirections，exercisesitspowerofhandling，nowmakingtrialofforce，nowfortifying，moderating，andrangingitselfbythewayofgraceandorder。Ithasofitsownwherewithtorouseitsfaculties:
naturehasgiventoit，astoallothers，matterenoughofitsowntomakeadvantageof，andsubjectsproperenoughwhereitmayeitherinventorjudge。
Meditationisapowerfulandfullstudytosuchascaneffectuallytasteandemploythemselves;Ihadratherfashionmysoulthanfurnishit。
Thereisnoemployment，eithermoreweakormorestrong，thanthatofentertainingaman’sownthoughts，accordingasthesoulis;thegreatestmenmakeittheirwholebusiness，\"Quibusvivereestcogitare;\"
[\"Towhomtoliveistothink。\"——Cicero，Tusc。Quaes。，v。28。]
naturehasthereforefavoureditwiththisprivilege，thatthereisnothingwecandosolong，noranyactiontowhichwemorefrequentlyandwithgreaterfacilityaddictourselves。’Tisthebusinessofthegods，saysAristotle，’andfromwhichboththeirbeatitudeandoursproceed。
Theprincipaluseofreadingtomeis，thatbyvariousobjectsitrousesmyreason，andemploysmyjudgment，notmymemory。Fewconversationsdetainmewithoutforceandeffort;itistruethatbeautyandeleganceofspeechtakeasmuchormorewithmethantheweightanddepthofthesubject;andforasmuchasIamapttobesleepyinallothercommunication，andgivebuttherindofmyattention，itoftenfallsoutthatinsuchpoorandpitifuldiscourses，merechatter，Ieithermakedrowsy，unmeaninganswers，unbecomingachild，andridiculous，ormorefoolishlyandrudelystill，maintainanobstinatesilence。Ihaveapensivewaythatwithdrawsmeintomyself，and，withthat，aheavyandchildishignoranceofmanyveryordinarythings，bywhichtwoqualitiesI
haveearnedthis，thatmenmaytrulyrelatefiveorsixasridiculoustalesofmeasofanyothermanwhatever。
But，toproceedinmysubject，thisdifficultcomplexionofminerendersmeveryniceinmyconversationwithmen，whomImustcullandpickoutformypurpose;andunfitsmeforcommonsociety。Weliveandnegotiatewiththepeople;iftheirconversationbetroublesometous，ifwedisdaintoapplyourselvestomeanandvulgarsouls（andthemeanandvulgarareoftenasregularasthoseofthefinestthread，andallwisdomisfollythatdoesnotaccommodateitselftothecommonignorance），wemustnomoreintermeddleeitherwithothermen’saffairsorourown;
forbusiness，bothpublicandprivate，hastodowiththesepeople。Theleastforcedandmostnaturalmotionsofthesoularethemostbeautiful;
thebestemployments，thosethatareleaststrained。MyGod！howgoodanofficedoeswisdomtothosewhosedesiresitlimitstotheirpower！
thatisthemostusefulknowledge:\"accordingtowhatamancan，\"wasthefavouritesentenceandmottoofSocrates。Amottoofgreatsolidity。