Ishallnotspeakoftherailway，foritislikeanyotherrailway——Ishallonlysaythatthefueltheyuseforthelocomotiveiscomposedofmummiesthreethousandyearsold，purchasedbythetonorbythegraveyardforthatpurpose，andthatsometimesonehearstheprofaneengineercalloutpettishly，\"D——ntheseplebeians，theydon\'tburnworthacent——passoutaKing;\"*Ishallnottellofthegroupsofmudconesstucklikewasps\'
nestsuponathousandmoundsabovehighwater—markthelengthandbreadthofEgypt——villagesofthelowerclasses;Ishallnotspeakoftheboundlesssweepoflevelplain，greenwithluxuriantgrain，thatgladdenstheeyeasfarasitcanpiercethroughthesoft，richatmosphereofEgypt;IshallnotspeakofthevisionofthePyramidsseenatadistanceoffiveandtwentymiles，forthepictureistooetherealtobelimnedbyanuninspiredpen;Ishallnottellofthecrowdsofduskywomenwhoflockedtothecarswhentheystoppedamomentatastation，tosellusadrinkofwateroraruddy，juicypomegranate;Ishallnottellofthemotleymultitudesandwildcostumesthatgracedafairwefoundinfullblastatanotherbarbarousstation;Ishallnottellhowwefeastedonfreshdatesandenjoyedthepleasantlandscapeallthroughtheflyingjourney;norhowwethunderedintoAlexandria，atlast，swarmedoutofthecars，rowedaboardtheship，leftacomradebehind，（whowastoreturntoEurope，thencehome，）raisedtheanchor，andturnedourbowshomewardfinallyandforeverfromthelongvoyage;norhow，asthemellowsunwentdownupontheoldestlandonearth，JackandMoultassembledinsolemnstateinthesmoking—roomandmournedoverthelostcomradethewholenightlong，andwouldnotbecomforted。
Ishallnotspeakawordofanyofthesethings，orwritealine。Theyshallbeasasealedbook。Idonotknowwhatasealedbookis，becauseIneversawone，butasealedbookistheexpressiontouseinthisconnection，becauseitispopular。*Statedtomeforafact。IonlytellitasIgotit。Iamwillingtobelieveit。Icanbelieveanything。Weweregladtohaveseenthelandwhichwasthemotherofcivilization——whichtaughtGreeceherletters，andthroughGreeceRome，andthroughRometheworld;thelandwhichcouldhavehumanizedandcivilizedthehaplesschildrenofIsrael，butallowedthemtodepartoutofherborderslittlebetterthansavages。Weweregladtohaveseenthatlandwhichhadanenlightenedreligionwithfutureeternalrewardsandpunishmentinit，whileevenIsrael\'sreligioncontainednopromiseofahereafter。WeweregladtohaveseenthatlandwhichhadglassthreethousandyearsbeforeEnglandhadit，andcouldpaintuponitasnoneofuscanpaintnow;thatlandwhichknew，threethousandyearsago，wellnighallofmedicineandsurgerywhichsciencehasdiscoveredlately;whichhadallthosecurioussurgicalinstrumentswhichsciencehasinventedrecently;whichhadinhighexcellenceathousandluxuriesandnecessitiesofanadvancedcivilizationwhichwehavegraduallycontrivedandaccumulatedinmoderntimesandclaimedasthingsthatwerenewunderthesun;thathadpaperuntoldcenturiesbeforewedreamptofit——andwaterfallsbeforeourwomenthoughtofthem;thathadaperfectsystemofcommonschoolssolongbeforeweboastedofourachievementsinthatdirectionthatitseemsforeverandforeverago;thatsoembalmedthedeadthatfleshwasmadealmostimmortal——whichwecannotdo;thatbuilttempleswhichmockatdestroyingtimeandsmilegrimlyuponourlaudedlittleprodigiesofarchitecture;thatoldlandthatknewallwhichweknownow，perchance，andmore;thatwalkedinthebroadhighwayofcivilizationinthegraydawnofcreation，agesandagesbeforewewereborn;thatlefttheimpressofexalted，cultivatedMindupontheeternalfrontoftheSphynxtoconfoundallscofferswho，whenallherotherproofshadpassedaway，mightseektopersuadetheworldthatimperialEgypt，inthedaysofherhighrenown，hadgropedindarkness。
Chapter59
Wewereatseanow，foraverylongvoyage——weweretopassthroughtheentirelengthoftheLevant;throughtheentirelengthoftheMediterraneanproper，also，andthencrossthefullwidthoftheAtlantic——avoyageofseveralweeks。Wenaturallysettleddownintoaveryslow，stay—at—homemanneroflife，andresolvedtobequiet，exemplarypeople，androamnomorefortwentyorthirtydays。Nomore，atleast，thanfromstemtosternoftheship。Itwasaverycomfortableprospect，though，forweweretiredandneededalongrest。
Wewerealllazyandsatisfied，now，asthemeagerentriesinmynote—book（thatsureindex，tome，ofmycondition，）prove。Whatastupidthinganote—bookgetstobeatsea，anyway。Pleaseobservethestyle:\"Sunday——Services，asusual，atfourbells。Servicesatnight，also。Nocards。\"Monday——Beautifulday，butrainedhard。ThecattlepurchasedatAlexandriaforbeefoughttobeshingled。Orelsefattened。
Thewaterstandsindeeppuddlesinthedepressionsforwardoftheiraftershoulders。Alsohereandthereallovertheirbacks。Itiswelltheyarenotcows——itwouldsoakinandruinthemilk。Thepoordevileagle*fromSyrialooksmiserableanddroopyintherain，perchedontheforwardcapstan。
Heappearstohavehisownopinionofaseavoyage，andifitwereputintolanguageandthelanguagesolidified，itwouldprobablyessentiallydamthewidestriverintheworld。*AfterwardspresentedtotheCentralPark。\"Tuesday——SomewhereintheneighborhoodoftheislandofMalta。Cannotstopthere。Cholera。Weatherverystormy。Manypassengersseasickandinvisible。\"Wednesday——Weatherstillverysavage。Stormblewtwolandbirdstosea，andtheycameonboard。Ahawkwasblownoff，also。
Hecircledroundandroundtheship，wantingtolight，butafraidofthepeople。Hewassotired，though，thathehadtolight，atlast，orperish。
Hestoppedintheforetop，repeatedly，andwasasoftenblownawaybythewind。AtlastHarrycaughthim。Seafullofflying—fish。Theyriseinflocksofthreehundredandflashalongabovethetopsofthewavesadistanceoftwoorthreehundredfeet，thenfallanddisappear。\"Thursday——AnchoredoffAlgiers，Africa。Beautifulcity，beautifulgreenhillylandscapebehindit。Staidhalfadayandleft。Notpermittedtoland，thoughweshowedacleanbillofhealth。TheywereafraidofEgyptianplagueandcholera。\"Friday——Morning，dominoes。Afternoon，dominoes。Evening，promenadingthedeck。Afterwards，charades。\"Saturday——Morning，dominoes。Afternoon，dominoes。Evening，promenadingthedecks。Afterwards，dominoes。\"Sunday——Morningservice，fourbells。Eveningservice，eightbells。Monotonytillmidnight。——Whereupon，dominoes。\"Monday——Morning，dominoes。Afternoon，dominoes。Evening，promenadingthedecks。Afterward，charadesandalecturefromDr。C。Dominoes。\"Nodate——AnchoredoffthepicturesquecityofCagliari，Sardinia。Staidtillmidnight，butnotpermittedtolandbytheseinfamousforeigners。Theysmellinodorously——theydonotwash——theydarenotriskcholera。\"Thursday——AnchoredoffthebeautifulcathedralcityofMalaga，Spain。——Wentashoreinthecaptain\'sboat——notashore，either，fortheywouldnotletusland。Quarantine。Shippedmynewspapercorrespondence，whichtheytookwithtongs，dippeditinseawater，clippeditfullofholes，andthenfumigateditwithvillainousvaporstillitsmeltlikeaSpaniard。InquiredaboutchancestoruntoblockadeandvisittheAlhambraatGranada。Toorisky——theymighthangabody。Setsail——middleofafternoon。\"Andsoon，andsoon，andsoforth，forseveraldays。Finally，anchoredoffGibraltar，whichlooksfamiliarandhome—like。\"ItremindsmeofthejournalIopenedwiththeNewYear，once，whenIwasaboyandaconfidingandawillingpreytothoseimpossibleschemesofreformwhichwell—meaningoldmaidsandgrandmotherssetforthefeetofunwaryyouthsatthatseasonoftheyear——settingoversizedtasksforthem，which，necessarilyfailing，asinfalliblyweakentheboy\'sstrengthofwill，diminishshhisconfidenceinhimselfandinjurehischancesofsuccessinlife。Pleaseacceptofanextract:\"Monday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Tuesday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Wednesday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Thursday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Friday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"NextFriday——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Fridayfortnight——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。
\"Followingmonth——Gotup，washed，wenttobed。\"Istopped，then，discouraged。Startlingeventsappearedtobetoorare，inmycareer，torenderadiarynecessary。Istillreflectwithpride，however，thatevenatthatearlyageIwashedwhenIgotup。Thatjournalfinishedme。Ineverhavehadthenervetokeeponesince。Mylossofconfidenceinmyselfinthatlinewaspermanent。
TheshiphadtostayaweekormoreatGibraltartotakeincoalforthehomevoyage。
Itwouldbeverytiresomestayinghere，andsofourofusranthequarantineblockadeandspentsevendelightfuldaysinSeville，Cordova，Cadiz，andwanderingthroughthepleasantruralsceneryofAndalusia，thegardenofOldSpain。TheexperiencesofthatcheeryweekweretoovariedandnumerousforashortchapterandIhavenotroomforalongone。ThereforeIshallleavethemallout。
Chapter60
Tenoreleveno\'clockfounduscomingdowntobreakfastonemorninginCadiz。Theytoldustheshiphadbeenlyingatanchorintheharbortwoorthreehours。Itwastimeforustobestirourselves。Theshipcouldwaitonlyalittlewhilebecauseofthequarantine。Weweresoononboard，andwithinthehourthewhitecityandthepleasantshoresofSpainsankdownbehindthewavesandpassedoutofsight。Wehadseennolandfadefromviewsoregretfully。
IthadlongagobeendecidedinanoisypublicmeetinginthemaincabinthatwecouldnotgotoLisbon，becausewemustsurelybequarantinedthere。
Wedideverythingbymass—meeting，inthegoodoldnationalway，fromswappingoffoneempireforanotherontheprogrammeofthevoyagedowntocomplainingofthecookeryandthescarcityofnapkins。Iamreminded，now，ofoneofthesecomplaintsofthecookerymadebyapassenger。Thecoffeehadbeensteadilygrowingmoreandmoreexecrableforthespaceofthreeweeks，tillatlastithadceasedtobecoffeealtogetherandhadassumedthenatureofmerediscoloredwater——sothispersonsaid。Hesaiditwassoweakthatitwastransparentaninchindeptharoundtheedgeofthecup。Asheapproachedthetableonemorninghesawthetransparentedge——bymeansofhisextraordinaryvisionlongbeforehegottohisseat。
Hewentbackandcomplainedinahigh—handedwaytoCapt。Duncan。Hesaidthecoffeewasdisgraceful。TheCaptainshowedhis。Itseemedtolerablygood。Theincipientmutineerwasmoreoutragedthanever，then，atwhathedenouncedasthepartialityshownthecaptain\'stableovertheothertablesintheship。Heflourishedbackandgothiscupandsetitdowntriumphantly，andsaid:
\"Justtrythatmixtureonce，CaptainDuncan。\"
Hesmeltit——tastedit——smiledbenignantly——thensaid:
\"Itisinferior——forcoffee——butitisprettyfairtea。\"
Thehumbledmutineersmeltit，tastedit，andreturnedtohisseat。
Hehadmadeanegregiousassofhimselfbeforethewholeship。Hediditnomore。Afterthathetookthingsastheycame。Thatwasme。
Theold—fashionedship—lifehadreturned，nowthatwewerenolongerinsightofland。Fordaysanddaysitcontinuedjustthesame，onedaybeingexactlylikeanother，and，tome，everyoneofthempleasant。AtlastweanchoredintheopenroadsteadofFunchal，inthebeautifulislandswecalltheMadeiras。
Themountainslookedsurpassinglylovely，cladastheywereinliving，green;ribbedwithlavaridges;fleckedwithwhitecottages;rivenbydeepchasmspurplewithshade;thegreatslopesdashedwithsunshineandmottledwithshadowsflungfromthedriftingsquadronsofthesky，andthesuperbpicturefitlycrownedbytoweringpeakswhosefrontsweresweptbythetrailingfringesoftheclouds。
Butwecouldnotland。Westaidalldayandlooked，weabusedthemanwhoinventedquarantine，weheldhalfadozenmass—meetingsandcrammedthemfullofinterruptedspeeches，motionsthatfellstill—born，amendmentsthatcametonoughtandresolutionsthatdiedfromsheerexhaustionintryingtogetbeforethehouse。Atnightwesetsail。
Weaveragedfourmass—meetingsaweekforthevoyage——weseemedalwaysinlaborinthisway，andyetsooftenfallaciouslythatwheneveratlongintervalsweweresafelydeliveredofaresolution，itwascauseforpublicrejoicing，andwehoistedtheflagandfiredasalute。
Dayspassed——andnights;andthenthebeautifulBermudasroseoutofthesea，weenteredthetortuouschannel，steamedhitherandthitheramongthebrightsummerislands，andrestedatlastundertheflagofEnglandandwerewelcome。Wewerenotanightmarehere，wherewerecivilizationandintelligenceinplaceofSpanishandItaliansuperstition，dirtanddreadofcholera。Afewdaysamongthebreezygroves，theflowergar—dens，thecoralcaves，andthelovelyvistasofbluewaterthatwentcurvinginandout，disappearingandanonagainappearingthroughjunglewallsofbrilliantfoliage，restoredtheenergiesdulledbylongdrowsingontheocean，andfittedusforourfinalcruise——ourlittlerunofathousandmilestoNewYork——America——HOME。
Webadegood—byeto\"ourfriendstheBermudians，\"asourprogrammehathit——themajorityofthoseweweremostintimatewithwerenegroes——andcourtedthegreatdeepagain。Isaidthemajority。Weknewmorenegroesthanwhitepeople，becausewehadadealofwashingtobedone，butwemadesomemostexcellentfriendsamongthewhites，whomitwillbeapleasantdutytoholdlongingratefulremembrance。
Wesailed，andfromthathourallidlingceased。Suchanothersystemofoverhauling，generallitteringofcabinsandpackingoftrunkswehadnotseensinceweletgotheanchorintheharborofBeirout。Everybodywasbusy。Listsofallpurchaseshadtobemadeout，andvaluesattached，tofacilitatemattersatthecustom—house。Purchasesboughtbybulkinpartnershiphadtobeequitablydivided，outstandingdebtscanceled，accountscompared，andtrunks，boxesandpackageslabeled。Alldaylongthebustleandconfusioncontinued。
Andnowcameourfirstaccident。Apassengerwasrunningthroughagangway，betweendecks，onestormynight，whenhecaughthisfootintheironstapleofadoorthathadbeenheedlesslyleftoffahatchway，andthebonesofhislegbrokeattheancle。Itwasourfirstseriousmisfortune。Wehadtraveledmuchmorethantwentythousandmiles，bylandandsea，inmanytryingclimates，withoutasinglehurt，withoutaseriouscaseofsicknessandwithoutadeathamongfiveandsixtypassengers。Ourgoodfortunehadbeenwonderful。AsailorhadjumpedoverboardatConstantinopleonenight，andwasseennomore，butitwassuspectedthathisobjectwastodesert，andtherewasaslimchance，atleast，thathereachedtheshore。Butthepassengerlistwascomplete。Therewasnonamemissingfromtheregister。
Atlast，onepleasantmorning，westeameduptheharborofNewYork，allondeck，alldressedinChristiangarb——byspecialorder，fortherewasalatentdispositioninsomequarterstocomeoutasTurks——andamidawavingofhandkerchiefsfromwelcomingfriends，thegladpilgrimsnotedtheshiverofthedecksthattoldthatshipandpierhadjoinedhandsagainandthelong，strangecruisewasover。Amen。
Chapter61
InthisplaceIwillprintanarticlewhichIwrotefortheNewYorkHeraldthenightwearrived。Idoitpartlybecausemycontractwithmypublishersmakesitcompulsory;partlybecauseitisaproper，tolerablyaccurate，andexhaustivesummingupofthecruiseoftheshipandtheperformancesofthepilgrimsinforeignlands;andpartlybecausesomeofthepassengershaveabusedmeforwritingit，andIwishthepublictoseehowthanklessataskitistoputone\'sselftotroubletoglorifyunappreciativepeople。Iwaschargedwith\"rushingintoprint\"withthesecompliments。Ididnotrush。IhadwrittennewsletterstotheHeraldsometimes，butyetwhenIvisitedtheofficethatdayIdidnotsayanythingaboutwritingavaledictory。IdidgototheTribuneofficetoseeifsuchanarticlewaswanted，becauseIbelongedontheregularstaffofthatpaperanditwassimplyadutytodoit。Themanagingeditorwasabsent，andsoIthoughtnomoreaboutit。AtnightwhentheHerald\'srequestcameforanarticle，Ididnot\"rush。\"Infact，Idemurredforawhile，becauseIdidnotfeellikewritingcomplimentsthen，andthereforewasafraidtospeakofthecruiselestImightbebetrayedintousingotherthancomplimentarylanguage。However，IreflectedthatitwouldbeajustandrighteousthingtogodownandwriteakindwordfortheHadjis——Hadjisarepeoplewhohavemadethepilgrimage——becausepartiesnotinterestedcouldnotdoitsofeelinglyasI，afellow—Hadji，andsoIpennedthevaledictory。Ihavereadit，andreaditagain;andifthereisasentenceinitthatisnotfulsomelycomplimentarytocaptain，shipandpassengers，Icannotfindit。Ifitisnotachapterthatanycompanymightbeproudtohaveabodywriteaboutthem，myjudgmentisfitfornothing。
WiththeseremarksIconfidentlysubmitittotheunprejudicedjudgmentofthereader:RETURNOFTHEHOLYLANDEXCURSIONISTS——THESTORYOFTHECRUISE。TOTHEEDITOROFTHEHERALD:ThesteamerQuakerCityhasaccomplishedatlastherextraordinaryvoyageandreturnedtoheroldpieratthefootofWallstreet。Theexpeditionwasasuccessinsomerespects，insomeitwasnot。Originallyitwasadvertisedasa\"pleasureexcursion。\"Well，perhaps，itwasapleasureexcursion，butcertainlyitdidnotlooklikeone;certainlyitdidnotactlikeone。
Anybody\'sandeverybody\'snotionofapleasureexcursionisthatthepartiestoitwillofanecessitybeyoungandgiddyandsomewhatboisterous。
Theywilldanceagooddeal，singagooddeal，makelove，butsermonizeverylittle。Anybody\'sandeverybody\'snotionofawellconductedfuneralisthattheremustbeahearseandacorpse，andchiefmournersandmournersbycourtesy，manyoldpeople，muchsolemnity，nolevity，andaprayerandasermonwithal。Three—fourthsoftheQuakerCity\'spassengerswerebetweenfortyandseventyyearsofage！Therewasapicniccrowdforyou！Itmaybesupposedthattheotherfourthwascomposedofyounggirls。Butitwasnot。Itwaschieflycomposedofrustyoldbachelorsandachildofsixyears。LetusaveragetheagesoftheQuakerCity\'spilgrimsandsetthefiguredownasfiftyyears。Isanymaninsaneenoughtoimaginethatthispicnicofpatriarchssang，madelove，danced，laughed，toldanecdotes，dealtinungodlylevity？Inmyexperiencetheysinnedlittleinthesematters。
Nodoubtitwaspresumedhereathomethatthesefrolicsomeveteranslaughedandsangandrompedallday，anddayafterday，andkeptupanoisyexcitementfromoneendoftheshiptotheother;andthattheyplayedblind—man\'sbuffordancedquadrillesandwaltzesonmoonlighteveningsonthequarter—deck;
andthatatoddmomentsofunoccupiedtimetheyjottedalaconicitemortwointhejournalstheyopenedonsuchanelaborateplanwhentheylefthome，andthenskurriedofftotheirwhistandeuchrelaborsunderthecabinlamps。Ifthesethingswerepresumed，thepresumptionwasatfault。
Thevenerableexcursionistswerenotgayandfrisky。Theyplayednoblind—man\'sbuff;theydealtnotinwhist;theyshirkednottheirksomejournal，foralas！mostofthemwereevenwritingbooks。Theyneverromped，theytalkedbutlittle，theyneversang，saveinthenightlyprayer—meeting。Thepleasureshipwasasynagogue，andthepleasuretripwasafuneralexcursionwithoutacorpse。（Thereisnothingexhilaratingaboutafuneralexcursionwithoutacorpse。）Afree，heartylaughwasasoundthatwasnotheardoftenerthanonceinsevendaysaboutthosedecksorinthosecabins，andwhenitwashearditmetwithpreciouslittlesympathy。Theexcursionistsdanced，onthreeseparateevenings，long，longago，（itseemsanage。）quadrilles，ofasingleset，madeupofthreeladiesandfivegentlemen，（thelatterwithhandkerchiefsaroundtheirarmstosignifytheirsex。）whotimedtheirfeettothesolemnwheezingofamelodeon;buteventhismelancholyorgiewasvotedtobesinful，anddancingwasdiscontinued。ThepilgrimsplayeddominoeswhentoomuchJosephusorRobinson\'sHolyLandResearches，orbook—writing，maderecreationnecessary——fordominoesisaboutasmildandsinlessagameasanyintheworld，perhaps，exceptingalwaystheineffablyinsipiddiversiontheycallcroquet，whichisagamewhereyoudon\'tpocketanyballsanddon\'tcaromonanythingofanyconsequence，andwhenyouaredonenobodyhastopay，andtherearenorefreshmentstosawoff，and，consequently，thereisn\'tanysatisfactionwhateveraboutit——theyplayeddominoestilltheywererested，andthentheyblackguardedeachotherprivatelytillprayer—time。Whentheywerenotseasicktheywereuncommonlypromptwhenthedinner—gongsounded。Suchwasourdailylifeonboardtheship——solemnity，decorum，dinner，dominoes，devotions，slander。Itwasnotlivelyenoughforapleasuretrip;butifwehadonlyhadacorpseitwouldhavemadeanoblefuneralexcursion。Itisallovernow;butwhenIlookback，theideaofthesevenerablefossilsskippingforthonasixmonths\'picnic，seemsexquisitelyrefreshing。Theadvertisedtitleoftheexpedition——\"TheGrandHolyLandPleasureExcursion\"——wasamisnomer。\"TheGrandHolyLandFuneralProcession\"wouldhavebeenbetter——muchbetter。Whereverwewent，inEurope，Asia，orAfrica，wemadeasensation，and，IsupposeImayadd，createdafamine。Noneofushadeverbeenanywherebefore;weallhailedfromtheinterior;travelwasawildnoveltytous，andweconductedourselvesinaccordancewiththenaturalinstinctsthatwereinus，andtrammeledourselveswithnoceremonies，noconventionalities。
WealwaystookcaretomakeitunderstoodthatwewereAmericans——Americans！
WhenwefoundthatagoodmanyforeignershadhardlyeverheardofAmerica，andthatagoodmanymoreknewitonlyasabarbarousprovinceawayoffsomewhere，thathadlatelybeenatwarwithsomebody，wepitiedtheignoranceoftheOldWorld，butabatednojotofourimportance。ManyandmanyasimplecommunityintheEasternhemispherewillrememberforyearstheincursionofthestrangehordeintheyearofourLord1867，thatcalledthemselvesAmericans，andseemedtoimagineinsomeunaccountablewaythattheyhadarighttobeproudofit。Wegenerallycreatedafamine，partlybecausethecoffeeontheQuakerCitywasunendurable，andsometimesthemoresubstantialfarewasnotstrictlyfirstclass;andpartlybecauseonenaturallytiresofsittinglongatthesameboardandeatingfromthesamedishes。Thepeopleofthoseforeigncountriesarevery，veryignorant。
TheylookedcuriouslyatthecostumeswehadbroughtfromthewildsofAmerica。Theyobservedthatwetalkedloudlyattablesometimes。Theynoticedthatwelookedoutforexpenses，andgotwhatweconvenientlycouldoutofafranc，andwonderedwhereinthemischiefwecamefrom。InParistheyjustsimplyopenedtheireyesandstaredwhenwespoketotheminFrench！
Weneverdidsucceedinmakingthoseidiotsunderstandtheirownlanguage。
Oneofourpassengerssaidtoashopkeeper，inreferencetoaproposedreturntobuyapairofgloves，\"Allongrestaytrankeel——maybevecoomMoonday;\"andwouldyoubelieveit，thatshopkeeper，abornFrenchman，hadtoaskwhatitwasthathadbeensaid。Sometimesitseemstome，somehow，thattheremustbeadifferencebetweenParisianFrenchandQuakerCityFrench。Thepeoplestaredatuseverywhere，andwestaredatthem。
Wegenerallymadethemfeelrathersmall，too，beforewegotdonewiththem，becauseweboredownonthemwithAmerica\'sgreatnessuntilwecrushedthem。Andyetwetookkindlytothemannersandcustoms，andespeciallytothefashionsofthevariouspeoplewevisited。WhenwelefttheAzores，weworeawfulcapotesandusedfinetoothcombs——successfully。WhenwecamebackfromTangier，inAfrica，weweretoppedwithfezzesofthebloodiesthue，hungwithtasselslikeanIndian\'sscalp—lock。InFranceandSpainweattractedsomeattentioninthesecostumes。InItalytheynaturallytookusfordistemperedGaribaldians，andsetagunboattolookforanythingsignificantinourchangesofuniform。WemadeRomehowl。Wecouldhavemadeanyplacehowlwhenwehadallourclotheson。WegotnofreshraimentinGreece——theyhadbutlittlethereofanykind。ButatConstantinople，howweturnedout！Turbans，scimetars，fezzes，horse—pistols，tunics，sashes，baggytrowsers，yellowslippers——Oh，weweregorgeous！TheillustriousdogsofConstantinoplebarkedtheirunderjawsoff，andeventhenfailedtodousjustice。Theyarealldeadbythistime。Theycouldnotgothroughsucharunofbusinessaswegavethemandsurvive。AndthenwewenttoseetheEmperorofRussia。Wejustcalledonhimascomfortablyasifwehadknownhimacenturyorso，andwhenwehadfinishedourvisitwevariegatedourselveswithselectionsfromRussiancostumesandsailedawayagainmorepicturesquethanever。InSmyrnawepickedupcamel\'shairshawlsandotherdressythingsfromPersia;butinPalestine——ah，inPalestine——oursplendidcareerended。Theydidn\'twearanyclothestheretospeakof。Weweresatisfied，andstopped。Wemadenoexperiments。Wedidnottrytheircostume。Butweastonishedthenativesofthatcountry。Weastonishedthemwithsucheccentricitiesofdressaswecouldmuster。WeprowledthroughtheHolyLand，fromCesareaPhilippitoJerusalemandtheDeadSea，aweirdprocessionofpilgrims，gottenupregardlessofexpense，solemn，gorgeous，green—spectacled，drowsingunderblueumbrellas，andastrideofasorrierlotofhorses，camelsandassesthanthosethatcameoutofNoah\'sark，afterelevenmonthsofseasicknessandshortrations。IfeverthosechildrenofIsraelinPalestineforgetwhenGideon\'sBandwentthroughtherefromAmerica，theyoughttobecursedoncemoreandfinished。Itwastherarestspectaclethateverastoundedmortaleyes，perhaps。Well，wewereathomeinPalestine。Itwaseasytoseethatthatwasthegrandfeatureoftheexpedition。WehadcarednothingmuchaboutEurope。WegallopedthroughtheLouvre，thePitti，theUfizzi，theVatican——allthegalleries——andthroughthepicturedandfrescoedchurchesofVenice，Naples，andthecathedralsofSpain;someofussaidthatcertainofthegreatworksoftheoldmastersweregloriouscreationsofgenius，（wefounditoutintheguide—book，thoughwegotholdofthewrongpicturesometimes，）andtheotherssaidtheyweredisgracefulolddaubs。WeexaminedmodernandancientstatuarywithacriticaleyeinFlorence，Rome，oranywherewefoundit，andpraiseditifwesawfit，andifwedidn\'twesaidwepreferredthewoodenIndiansinfrontofthecigarstoresofAmerica。
ButtheHolyLandbroughtoutallourenthusiasm。WefellintorapturesbythebarrenshoresofGalilee;weponderedatTaborandatNazareth;
weexplodedintopoetryoverthequestionablelovelinessofEsdraelon;
wemeditatedatJezreelandSamariaoverthemissionaryzealofJehu;werioted——fairlyriotedamongtheholyplacesofJerusalem;webathedinJordanandtheDeadSea，recklesswhetherouraccident—insurancepolicieswereextra—hazardousornot，andbroughtawaysomanyjugsofpreciouswaterfrombothplacesthatallthecountryfromJerichotothemountainsofMoabwillsufferfromdrouththisyear，Ithink。Yet，thepilgrimagepartoftheexcursionwasitspetfeature——thereisnoquestionaboutthat。
Afterdismal，smilelessPalestine，beautifulEgypthadfewcharmsforus。
Wemerelyglancedatitandwerereadyforhome。Theywouldn\'tletuslandatMalta——quarantine;theywouldnotletuslandinSardinia;noratAlgiers，Africa;noratMalaga，Spain，norCadiz，norattheMadeiraislands。Sowegotoffendedatallforeignersandturnedourbacksuponthemandcamehome。IsupposeweonlystoppedattheBermudasbecausetheywereintheprogramme。Wedidnotcareanythingaboutanyplaceatall。Wewantedtogohome。Homesicknesswasabroadintheship——itwasepidemic。IftheauthoritiesofNewYorkhadknownhowbadlywehadit，theywouldhavequarantinedushere。Thegrandpilgrimageisover。Good—byetoit，andapleasantmemorytoit，Iamabletosayinallkindness。Ibearnomalice，noill—willtowardanyindividualthatwasconnectedwithit，eitheraspassengerorofficer。ThingsIdidnotlikeatallyesterdayIlikeverywellto—day，nowthatIamathome，andalwayshereafterIshallbeabletopokefunatthewholegangifthespiritsomovesmetodo，withouteversayingamaliciousword。Theexpeditionaccomplishedallthatitsprogrammepromisedthatitshouldaccomplish，andweoughtalltobesatisfiedwiththemanagementofthematter，certainly。Bye—bye！MARKTWAIN。Icallthatcomplimentary。Itiscomplimentary;andyetIneverhavereceivedawordofthanksforitfromtheHadjis;onthecontraryIspeaknothingbuttheserioustruthwhenIsaythatmanyofthemeventookexceptionstothearticle。InendeavoringtopleasethemIslavedoverthatsketchfortwohours，andhadmylaborformypains。Ineverwilldoagenerousdeedagain。
TheInnocentsAbroad—1ConclusionNearlyoneyearhasflownsincethisnotablepilgrimagewasended;andasIsithereathomeinSanFranciscothinking，Iammovedtoconfessthatdaybydaythemassofmymemoriesoftheexcursionhavegrownmoreandmorepleasantasthedisagreeableincidentsoftravelwhichencumberedthemflittedonebyoneoutofmymind——andnow，iftheQuakerCitywereweighingheranchortosailawayontheverysamecruiseagain，nothingcouldgratifymemorethantobeapassenger。Withthesamecaptainandeventhesamepilgrims，thesamesinners。Iwasonexcellenttermswitheightornineoftheexcursionists（theyaremystaunchfriendsyet，）
andwasevenonspeakingtermswiththerestofthesixty—five。Ihavebeenatseaquiteenoughtoknowthatthatwasaverygoodaverage。Becausealongsea—voyagenotonlybringsoutallthemeantraitsonehas，andexaggeratesthem，butraisesupotherswhichheneversuspectedhepossessed，andevencreatesnewones。Atwelvemonths\'voyageatseawouldmakeofanordinarymanaverymiracleofmeanness。Ontheotherhand，ifamanhasgoodqualities，thespiritseldommoveshimtoexhibitthemonshipboard，atleastwithanysortofemphasis。NowIamsatisfiedthatourpilgrimsarepleasantoldpeopleonshore;Iamalsosatisfiedthatatseaonasecondvoyagetheywouldbepleasanter，somewhat，thantheywereonourgrandexcursion，andsoIsaywithouthesitationthatIwouldbegladenoughtosailwiththemagain。Icouldatleastenjoylifewithmyhandfulofoldfriends。Theycouldenjoylifewiththeircliquesaswell——passengersinvariablydivideupintocliques，onallships。
AndIwillsay，here，thatIwouldrathertravelwithanexcursionpartyofMethuselahsthanhavetobechangingshipsandcomradesconstantly，aspeopledowhotravelintheordinaryway。Thoselatterarealwaysgrievingoversomeothershiptheyhaveknownandlost，andoverothercomradeswhomdivergingrouteshaveseparatedfromthem。Theylearntoloveashipjustintimetochangeitforanother，andtheybecomeattachedtoapleasanttravelingcompaniononlytolosehim。Theyhavethatmostdismalexperienceofbeinginastrangevessel，amongstrangepeoplewhocarenothingaboutthem，andofundergoingthecustomarybullyingbystrangeofficersandtheinsolenceofstrangeservants，repeatedoverandoveragainwithinthecompassofeverymonth。Theyhavealsothatothermiseryofpackingandunpackingtrunks——ofrunningthedistressinggauntletofcustom—houses——oftheanxietiesattendantupongettingamassofbaggagefrompointtopointonlandinsafety。Ihadrashersailwithawholebrigadeofpatriarchsthansufferso。Weneverpackedourtrunksbuttwice——whenwesailedfromNewYork，andwhenwereturnedtoit。Wheneverwemadealandjourney，weestimatedhowmanydaysweshouldbegoneandwhatamountofclothingweshouldneed，figureditdowntoamathematicalnicety，packedavaliseortwoaccordingly，andleftthetrunksonboard。Wechoseourcomradesfromamongourold，triedfriends，andstarted。Wewereneverdependentuponstrangersforcompanionship。WeoftenhadoccasiontopityAmericanswhomwefoundtravelingdrearilyamongstrangerswithnofriendstoexchangepainsandpleasureswith。Wheneverwewerecomingbackfromalandjourney，oureyessoughtonethinginthedistancefirst——theship——andwhenwesawitridingatanchorwiththeflagapeak，wefeltasareturningwandererfeelswhenheseeshishome。Whenwesteppedonboard，ourcaresvanished，ourtroubleswereatanend——fortheshipwashometous。Wealwayshadthesamefamiliaroldstate—roomtogoto，andfeelsafeandatpeaceandcomfortableagain。
Ihavenofaulttofindwiththemannerinwhichourexcursionwasconducted。
Itsprogrammewasfaithfullycarriedout——athingwhichsurprisedme，forgreatenterprisesusuallypromisevastlymorethantheyperform。Itwouldbewellifsuchanexcursioncouldbegottenupeveryyearandthesystemregularlyinaugurated。Travelisfataltoprejudice，bigotryandnarrow—mindedness，andmanyofourpeopleneeditsorelyontheseaccounts。Broad，wholesome，charitableviewsofmenandthingscannotbeacquiredbyvegetatinginonelittlecorneroftheearthallone\'slifetime。
TheExcursionisended，andhaspassedtoitsplaceamongthethingsthatwere。Butitsvariedscenesanditsmanifoldincidentswilllingerpleasantlyinourmemoriesformanyayeartocome。Alwaysonthewing，aswewere，andmerelypausingamomenttocatchfitfulglimpsesofthewondersofhalfaworld，wecouldnothopetoreceiveorretainvividimpressionsofallitwasourfortunetosee。Yetourholydayflighthasnotbeeninvain——forabovetheconfusionofvaguerecollections，certainofitsbestprizedpicturesliftthemselvesandwillstillcontinueperfectintintandoutlineaftertheirsurroundingsshallhavefadedaway。
WeshallremembersomethingofpleasantFrance;andsomethingalsoofParis，thoughitflasheduponusasplendidmeteor，andwasgoneagain，wehardlyknewhoworwhere。Weshallremember，always，howwesawmajesticGibraltarglorifiedwiththerichcoloringofaSpanishsunsetandswimminginaseaofrainbows。InfancyweshallseeMilanagain，andherstatelyCathedralwithitsmarblewildernessofgracefulspires。AndPadua——Verona——Como，jeweledwithstars;andpatricianVenice，afloatonherstagnantflood——silent，desolate，haughty——scornfulofherhumbledstate——wrappingherselfinmemoriesofherlostfleets，ofbattleandtriumph，andallthepageantryofaglorythatisdeparted。
WecannotforgetFlorence——Naples——northeforetasteofheaventhatisinthedeliciousatmosphereofGreece——andsurelynotAthensandthebrokentemplesoftheAcropolis。SurelynotvenerableRome——northegreenplainthatcompassesherroundabout，contrastingitsbrightnesswithhergraydecay——northeruinedarchesthatstandapartintheplainandclothetheirloopedandwindowedraggednesswithvines。WeshallrememberSt。
Peter\'s:notasoneseesitwhenhewalksthestreetsofRomeandfanciesallherdomesarejustalike，butasheseesitleaguesaway，wheneverymeaneredificehasfadedoutofsightandthatonedomeloomssuperblyupintheflushofsunset，fullofdignityandgrace，stronglyoutlinedasamountain。
WeshallrememberConstantinopleandtheBosporus——thecolossalmagnificenceofBaalbec——thePyramidsofEgypt——theprodigiousform，thebenignantcountenanceoftheSphynx——OrientalSmyrna——sacredJerrusalem——Damascus，the\"PearloftheEast，\"theprideofSyria，thefabledGardenofEden，thehomeofprincesandgeniioftheArabianNights，theoldestmetropolisonearth，theonecityinalltheworldthathaskeptitsnameandhelditsplaceandlookedserenelyonwhiletheKingdomsandEmpiresoffourthousandyearshaverisentolife，enjoyedtheirlittleseasonofprideandpomp，andthenvanishedandbeenforgotten！End