Ifyouwantdwarfs——Imeanjustafewdwarfsforacuriosity——gotoGenoa。Ifyouwishtobuythembythegross，forretail，gotoMilan。
ThereareplentyofdwarfsalloverItaly，butitdidseemtomethatinMilanthecropwasluxuriant。Ifyouwouldseeafairaveragestyleofassortedcripples，gotoNaples，ortravelthroughtheRomanStates。Butifyouwouldseetheveryheartandhomeofcripplesandhumanmonsters，both，gostraighttoConstantinople。AbeggarinNapleswhocanshowafootwhichhasallrunintoonehorribletoe，withoneshapelessnailonit，hasafortune——butsuchanexhibitionasthatwouldnotprovokeanynoticeinConstantinople。Themanwouldstarve。WhowouldpayanyattentiontoattractionslikehisamongtheraremonstersthatthrongthebridgesoftheGoldenHornanddisplaytheirdeformitiesintheguttersofStamboul？
O，wretchedimpostor！Howcouldhestandagainstthethree—leggedwoman，andthemanwithhiseyeinhischeek？Howwouldheblushinpresenceofthemanwithfingersonhiselbow？Wherewouldhehidehimselfwhenthedwarfwithsevenfingersoneachhand，noupperlip，andhisunder—jawgone，camedowninhismajesty？Bismillah！ThecripplesofEuropeareadelusionandafraud。Thetrulygiftedflourishonlyintheby—waysofPeraandStamboul。
Thatthree—leggedwomanlayonthebridge，withherstocklntradesodisposedastocommandthemoststrikingeffect——onenaturalleg，andtwolong，slender，twistedoneswithfeetonthemlikesomebodyelse\'sfore—arm。Thentherewasamanfurtheralongwhohadnoeyes，andwhosefacewasthecolorofafly—blownbeefsteak，andwrinkledandtwistedlikealava—flow——andverilysotumbledanddistortedwerehisfea—turesthatnomancouldtellthewartthatservedhimforanosefromhischeek—bones。
InStamboulwasamanwithaprodigioushead，anuncommonlylongbody，legseightincheslongandfeetlikesnow—shoes。Hetraveledonthosefeetandhishands，andwasassway—backedasiftheColossusofRhodeshadbeenridinghim。Ah，abeggarhastohaveexceedinglygoodpointstomakealivinginConstantinople。Ablue—facedman，whohadnothingtoofferexceptthathehadbeenblownupinamine，wouldberegardedasarankimpostor，andameredamagedsoldieroncrutcheswouldnevermakeacent。
Itwouldpayhimtogetapieceofhisheadtakenoff，andcultivateawenlikeacarpetsack。
TheMosqueofSt。SophiaisthechieflionofConstantinople。Youmustgetafirmanandhurrytherethefirstthing。Wedidthat。Wedidnotgetafirman，butwetookalongfourorfivefrancsapiece，whichismuchthesamething。
IdonotthinkmuchoftheMosqueofSt。Sophia。IsupposeIlackappreciation。
Wewillletitgoatthat。Itistherustiestoldbarninheathendom。I
believealltheinterestthatattachestoitcomesfromthefactthatitwasbuiltforaChristianchurchandthenturnedintoamosque，withoutmuchalteration，bytheMohammedanconquerorsoftheland。Theymademetakeoffmybootsandwalkintotheplaceinmystocking—feet。Icaughtcold，andgotmyselfsostuckupwithacomplicationofgums，slimeandgeneralcorruption，thatIworeoutmorethantwothousandpairofboot—jacksgettingmybootsoffthatnight，andeventhensomeChristianhidepeeledoffwiththem。Iabatenotasingleboot—jack。
St。Sophiaisacolossalchurch，thirteenorfourteenhundredyearsold，andunsightlyenoughtobevery，verymucholder。ItsimmensedomeissaidtobemorewonderfulthanSt。Peter\'s，butitsdirtismuchmorewonderfulthanitsdome，thoughtheynevermentionit。Thechurchhasahundredandseventypillarsinit，eachasinglepiece，andallofcostlymarblesofvariouskinds，buttheycamefromancienttemplesatBaalbec，Heliopolis，AthensandEphesus，andarebattered，uglyandrepulsive。Theywereathousandyearsoldwhenthischurchwasnew，andthenthecontrastmusthavebeenghastly——ifJustinian\'sarchitectsdidnottrimthemany。
TheinsideofthedomeisfiguredalloverwithamonstrousinscriptioninTurkishcharacters，wroughtingoldmosaic，thatlooksasglaringasacircusbill;thepavementsandthemarblebalustradesareallbatteredanddirty;theperspectiveismarredeverywherebyawebofropesthatdependfromthedizzyheightofthedome，andsuspendcountlessdingy，coarseoillamps，andostrich—eggs，sixorsevenfeetabovethefloor。
Squattingandsittingingroups，hereandthereandfarandnear，wereraggedTurksreadingbooks，hearingsermons，orreceivinglessonslikechildren。andinfiftyplacesweremoreofthesamesortbowingandstraighteningup，bowingagainandgettingdowntokisstheearth，mutteringprayersthewhile，andkeepinguptheirgymnasticstilltheyoughttohavebeentired，iftheywerenot。
Everywherewasdirt，anddust，anddinginess，andgloom;everywhereweresignsofahoaryantiquity，butwithnothingtouchingorbeautifulaboutit;everywherewerethosegroupsoffantasticpagans;overheadthegaudymosaicsandtheweboflamp—ropes——nowherewasthereanythingtowinone\'sloveorchallengehisadmiration。
ThepeoplewhogointoecstaciesoverSt。Sophiamustsurelygetthemoutoftheguide—book（whereeverychurchisspokenofasbeing\"consideredbygoodjudgestobethemostmarvelousstructure，inmanyrespects，thattheworldhaseverseen。\"）OrelsetheyarethoseoldconnoisseursfromthewildsofNewJerseywholaboriouslylearnthedifferencebetweenafrescoandafire—plugandfromthatdayforwardfeelprivilegedtovoidtheircriticalbathosonpainting，sculptureandarchitectureforevermore。
WevisitedtheDancingDervishes。Thereweretwenty—oneofthem。Theyworealong，light—coloredlooserobethathungtotheirheels。Eachinhisturnwentuptothepriest（theywereallwithinalargecircularrailing）
andbowedprofoundlyandthenwentspinningawaydeliriouslyandtookhisappointedplaceinthecircle，andcontinuedtospin。Whenallhadspunthemselvestotheirplaces，theywereaboutfiveorsixfeetapart——andsosituated，theentirecircleofspinningpagansspunitselfthreeseparatetimesaroundtheroom。Ittooktwenty—fiveminutestodoit。Theyspunontheleftfoot，andkeptthemselvesgoingbypassingtherightrapidlybeforeitanddiggingitagainstthewaxedfloor。Someofthemmadeincredible\"time。\"Mostofthemspunaroundfortytimesinaminute，andoneartistaveragedaboutsixty—onetimesaminute，andkeptitupduringthewholetwenty—five。Hisrobefilledwithairandstoodoutallaroundhimlikeaballoon。
Theymadenonoiseofanykind，andmostofthemtiltedtheirheadsbackandclosedtheireyes，entrancedwithasortofdevotionalecstacy。
Therewasarudekindofmusic，partofthetime，butthemusicianswerenotvisible。Nonebutspinnerswereallowedwithinthecircle。Amanhadtoeitherspinorstayoutside。Itwasaboutasbarbarousanexhibitionaswehavewitnessedyet。Thensickpersonscameandlaydown，andbesidethemwomenlaidtheirsickchildren（oneababeatthebreast，）andthepatriarchoftheDervisheswalkedupontheirbodies。Hewassupposedtocuretheirdiseasesbytramplingupontheirbreastsorbacksorstandingonthebackoftheirnecks。Thisiswellenoughforapeoplewhothinkalltheiraffairsaremadeormarredbyviewlessspiritsoftheair——
bygiants，gnomes，andgenii——andwhostillbelieve，tothisday，allthewildtalesintheArabianNights。Evensoanintelligentmissionarytellsme。
WevisitedtheThousandandOneColumns。Idonotknowwhatitwasoriginallyintendedfor，buttheysaiditwasbuiltforareservoir。ItissituatedinthecentreofConstantinople。Yougodownaflightofstonestepsinthemiddleofabarrenplace，andthereyouare。Youarefortyfeetunderground，andinthemidstofaperfectwildernessoftall，slender，granitecolumns，ofByzantinearchitecture。Standwhereyouwould，orchangeyourpositionasoftenasyoupleased，youwerealwaysacentrefromwhichradiatedadozenlongarchwaysandcolonnadesthatlostthemselvesindistanceandthesombretwilightoftheplace。Thisolddried—upreservoirisoccupiedbyafewghostlysilk—spinnersnow，andoneofthemshowedmeacrosscuthighupinoneofthepillars。IsupposehemeantmetounderstandthattheinstitutionwastherebeforetheTurkishoccupation，andIthoughthemadearemarktothateffect;buthemusthavehadanimpedimentinhisspeech，forIdidnotunderstandhim。
WetookoffourshoesandwentintothemarblemausoleumoftheSultanMahmoud，theneatestpieceofarchitecture，inside，thatIhaveseenlately。
Mahmoud\'stombwascoveredwithablackvelvetpall，whichwaselaboratelyembroideredwithsilver;itstoodwithinafancysilverrailing;atthesidesandcornersweresilvercandlesticksthatwouldweighmorethanahundredpounds，andtheysupportedcandlesaslargeasaman\'sleg;onthetopofthesarcophaguswasafez，withahandsomediamondornamentuponit，whichanattendantsaidcostahundredthousandpounds，andliedlikeaTurkwhenhesaidit。Mahmoud\'swholefamilywerecomfortablyplantedaroundhim。
WewenttothegreatBazaarinStamboul，ofcourse，andIshallnotdescribeitfurtherthantosayitisamonstroushiveoflittleshops——thousands，Ishouldsay——allunderoneroof，andcutupintoinnumerablelittleblocksbynarrowstreetswhicharearchedoverhead。Onestreetisdevotedtoaparticularkindofmerchandise，anothertoanother，andsoon。Whenyouwishtobuyapairofshoesyouhavetheswingofthewholestreet——youdonothavetowalkyourselfdownhuntingstoresindifferentlocalities。Itisthesamewithsilks，antiquities，shawls，etc。Theplaceiscrowdedwithpeopleallthetime，andasthegay—coloredEasternfabricsarelavishlydisplayedbeforeeveryshop，thegreatBazaarofStamboulisoneofthesightsthatareworthseeing。Itisfulloflife，andstir，andbusiness，dirt，beggars，asses，yellingpeddlers，porters，dervishes，high—bornTurkishfemaleshoppers，Greeks，andweird—lookingandweirdlydressedMohammedansfromthemountainsandthefarprovinces——andtheonlysolitarythingonedoesnotsmellwhenheisintheGreatBazaar，issomethingwhichsmellsgood。
Chapter34
Mosquesareplenty，churchesareplenty，graveyardsareplenty，butmoralsandwhiskeyarescarce。TheKorandoesnotpermitMohammedanstodrink。Theirnaturalinstinctsdonotpermitthemtobemoral。TheysaytheSultanhaseighthundredwives。Thisalmostamountstobigamy。ItmakesourcheeksburnwithshametoseesuchathingpermittedhereinTurkey。
WedonotminditsomuchinSaltLake，however。
CircassianandGeorgiangirlsarestillsoldinConstantinoplebytheirparents，butnotpublicly。Thegreatslavemartswehaveallreadsomuchabout——wheretenderyounggirlswerestrippedforinspection，andcriticisedanddiscussedjustasiftheywerehorsesatanagriculturalfair——nolongerexist。Theexhibitionandthesalesareprivatenow。Stocksareup，justatpresent，partlybecauseofabriskdemandcreatedbytherecentreturnoftheSultan\'ssuitefromthecourtsofEurope;partlyonaccountofanunusualabundanceofbread—stuffs，whichleavesholdersuntorturedbyhungerandenablesthemtoholdbackforhighprices;andpartlybecausebuyersaretooweaktobearthemarket，whilesellersareamplypreparedtobullit。Underthesecircumstances，iftheAmericanmetropolitannewspaperswerepublishedhereinConstantinople，theirnextcommercialreportwouldreadaboutasfollows，Isuppose:SLAVEGIRLMARKETREPORT。\"BestbrandsCircassians，cropof1850，£200;1852，£250;1854，£300。BestbrandsGeorgian，noneinmarket;
secondquality，1851，£180。NineteenfairtomiddlingWallachiangirlsofferedat£130@150，butnotakers;sixteenprimeA1soldinsmalllotstocloseout——termsprivate。\"SalesofonelotCircassians，primetogood，1852to1854，at£240@2421/2，buyer30;oneforty—niner——damaged——at£23，sellerten，nodeposit。SeveralGeorgians，fancybrands，1852，changedhandstofillorders。TheGeorgiansnowonhandaremostlylastyear\'scrop，whichwasunusuallypoor。Thenewcropisalittlebackward，butwillbecominginshortly。Asregardsitsquantityandquality，theaccountsaremostencouraging。Inthisconnectionwecansafelysay，also，thatthenewcropofCircassiansislookingextremelywell。HisMajestytheSultanhasalreadysentinlargeordersforhisnewharem，whichwillbefinishedwithinafortnight，andthishasnaturallystrengthenedthemarketandgivenCircassianstockastrongupwardtendency。Takingadvantageoftheinflatedmarket，manyofourshrewdestoperatorsaresellingshort。
Therearehintsofa\"corner\"onWallachians。\"ThereisnothingnewinNubians。Slowsale。\"Eunuchs——Noneoffering;however，largecargoesareexpectedfromEgypttoday。\"Ithinktheabovewouldbeaboutthestyleofthecommercialreport。Pricesareprettyhighnow，andholdersfirm;but，twoorthreeyearsago，parentsinastarvingconditionbroughttheiryoungdaughtersdownhereandsoldthemforeventwentyandthirtydollars，whentheycoulddonobetter，simplytosavethemselvesandthegirlsfromdyingofwant。Itissadtothinkofsodistressingathingasthis，andIforoneamsincerelygladthepricesareupagain。
Commercialmorals，especially，arebad。Thereisnogainsayingthat。
Greek，TurkishandArmenianmoralsconsistonlyinattendingchurchregularlyontheappointedSabbaths，andinbreakingthetencommandmentsallthebalanceoftheweek。Itcomesnaturaltothemtolieandcheatinthefirstplace，andthentheygoonandimproveonnatureuntiltheyarriveatperfection。
Inrecommendinghissontoamerchantasavaluablesalesman，afatherdoesnotsayheisanice，moral，uprightboy，andgoestoSundaySchoolandishonest，buthesays，\"Thisboyisworthhisweightinbroadpiecesofahundred——forbehold，hewillcheatwhomsoeverhathdealingswithhim，andfromtheEuxinetothewatersofMarmorathereabidethnotsogiftedaliar！\"Howisthatforarecommendation？TheMissionariestellmethattheyhearencomiumslikethatpasseduponpeopleeveryday。Theysayofapersontheyadmire，\"Ah，heisacharmingswindler，andamostexquisiteliar！\"
Everybodyliesandcheats——everybodywhoisinbusiness，atanyrate。
Evenforeignerssoonhavetocomedowntothecustomofthecountry，andtheydonotbuyandselllonginConstantinopletilltheylieandcheatlikeaGreek。IsaylikeaGreek，becausetheGreeksarecalledtheworsttransgressorsinthisline。SeveralAmericanslongresidentinConstantinoplecontendthatmostTurksareprettytrustworthy，butfewclaimthattheGreekshaveanyvirtuesthatamancandiscover——atleastwithoutafireassay。
IamhalfwillingtobelievethatthecelebrateddogsofConstantinoplehavebeenmisrepresented——slandered。Ihavealwaysbeenledtosupposethattheyweresothickinthestreetsthattheyblockedtheway;thattheymovedaboutinorganizedcompanies，platoonsandregiments，andtookwhattheywantedbydeterminedandferociousassault;andthatatnighttheydrownedallothersoundswiththeirterriblehowlings。ThedogsI
seeherecannotbethoseIhavereadof。
Ifindthemeverywhere，butnotinstrongforce。ThemostIhavefoundtogetherhasbeenabouttenorbeedowntothecustomofthecountry，andtheydonotbuyandselllonginConstantinopletilltheylieandcheatlikeaGreek。IsaylikeaGreek，becausetheGreeksarecalledtheworsttransgressorsinthisline。SeveralAmericanslongresidentinConstantinoplecontendthatmostTurksareprettytrustworthy，butfewclaimthattheGreekshaveanyvirtuesthatamancandiscover——atleastwithoutafireassay。
IamhalfwillingtobelievethatthecelebrateddogsofConstantinoplehavebeormisrepresented——slandered。Ihavealwaysbeenledtosupposethattheyweresothickinthestreetsthattheyblockedtheway;thattheymovedaboutinorganizedcompanies，platoonsandregiments，andtookwhattheywantedbydeterminedandferociousassault;andthatatnighttheydrownedallothersoundswiththeirterriblehowlings。ThedogsI
seeherecannotbethoseIhavereadof。
Ifindthemeverywhere，butnotinstrongforce。ThemostIhavefoundtogetherhasbeenabouttenortwenty。Andnightordayafairproportionofthemweresoundasleep。Thosethatwerenotasleepalwayslookedasiftheywantedtobe。Ineversawsuchutterlywretched，starving，sad—visaged，broken—heartedlookingcursinmylife。Itseemedagrimsatiretoaccusesuchbrutesastheseoftakingthingsbyforceofarms。Theyhardlyseemedtohavestrengthenoughorambitionenoughtowalkacrossthestreet——I
donotknowthatIhaveseenonewalkthatfaryet。Theyaremangyandbruisedandmutilated，andoftenyouseeonewiththehairsingedoffhiminsuchwideandwelldefinedtractsthathelookslikeamapofthenewTerritories。Theyarethesorriestbeaststhatbreathe——themostabject——themostpitiful。Intheirfacesisasettledexpressionofmelancholy，anairofhopelessdespondency。ThehairlesspatchesonascaldeddogarepreferredbythefleasofConstantinopletoawiderrangeonahealthierdog;andtheexposedplacessuitthefleasexactly。Isawadogofthiskindstarttonibbleataflea——aflyattractedhisattention，andhemadeasnatchathim;thefleacalledforhimoncemore，andthatforeverunsettledhim;helookedsadlyathisflea—pasture，thensadlylookedathisbaldspot。Thenheheavedasighanddroppedhisheadresignedlyuponhispaws。
Hewasnotequaltothesituation。
Thedogssleepinthestreets，alloverthecity。Fromoneendofthestreettotheother，Isupposetheywillaverageabouteightortentoablock。Sometimes，ofcourse，therearefifteenortwentytoablock。
Theydonotbelongtoanybody，andtheyseemtohavenoclosepersonalfriendshipsamongeachother。Buttheydistrictthecitythemselves，andthedogsofeachdistrict，whetheritbehalfablockinextent，ortenblocks，havetoremainwithinitsbounds。Woetoadogifhecrossestheline！Hisneighborswouldsnatchthebalanceofhishairoffinasecond。
Soitissaid。Buttheydon\'tlookit。
Theysleepinthestreetsthesedays。Theyaremycompass——myguide。
WhenIseethedogssleepplacidlyon，whilemen，sheep，geese，andallmovingthingsturnoutandgoaroundthem，IknowIamnotinthegreatstreetwherethehotelis，andmustgofurther。IntheGrandRuethedogshaveasortofairofbeingonthelookout——anairbornofbeingobligedtogetoutofthewayofmanycarriageseveryday——andthatexpressiononerecognizesinamoment。Itdoesnotexistuponthefaceofanydogwithouttheconfinesofthatstreet。Allotherssleepplacidlyandkeepnowatch。Theywouldnotmove，thoughtheSultanhimselfpassedby。
Inonenarrowstreet（butnoneofthemarewide）Isawthreedogslyingcoiledup，aboutafootortwoapart。Endtoendtheylay，andsotheyjustbridgedthestreetneatly，fromguttertogutter。Adroveofahundredsheepcamealong。Theysteppedrightoverthedogs，therearcrowdingthefront，impatienttogeton。Thedogslookedlazilyup，flinchedalittlewhentheimpatientfeetofthesheeptouchedtheirrawbacks——sighed，andlaypeacefullydownagain。Notalkcouldbeplainerthanthat。Sosomeofthesheepjumpedoverthemandothersscrambledbetween，occasionallychippingalegwiththeirsharphoofs，andwhenthewholeflockhadmadethetrip，thedogssneezedalittle，inthecloudofdust，butneverbudgedtheirbodiesaninch。IthoughtIwaslazy，butIamasteam—enginecomparedtoaConstantinopledog。Butwasnotthatasingularsceneforacityofamillioninhabitants？
Thesedogsarethescavengersofthecity。Thatistheirofficialposition，andahardoneitis。However，itistheirprotection。Butfortheirusefulnessinpartiallycleansingtheseterriblestreets，theywouldnotbetoleratedlong。Theyeatanythingandeverythingthatcomesintheirway，frommelonrindsandspoiledgrapesupthroughallthegradesandspeciesofdirtandrefusetotheirowndeadfriendsandrelatives——andyettheyarealwayslean，alwayshungry，alwaysdespondent。Thepeopleareloathtokillthem——donotkillthem，infact。TheTurkshaveaninnateantipathytotakingthelifeofanydumbanimal，itissaid。Buttheydoworse。Theyhangandkickandstoneandscaldthesewretchedcreaturestotheveryvergeofdeath，andthenleavethemtoliveandsuffer。
OnceaSultanproposedtokilloffallthedogshere，anddidbeginthework——butthepopulaceraisedsuchahowlofhorroraboutitthatthemassacrewasstayed。Afterawhile，heproposedtoremovethemalltoanislandintheSeaofMarmora。Noobjectionwasoffered，andaship—loadorsowastakenaway。Butwhenitcametobeknownthatsomehoworotherthedogsnevergottotheisland，butalwaysfelloverboardinthenightandperished，anotherhowlwasraisedandthetransportationschemewasdropped。
Sothedogsremaininpeaceablepossessionofthestreets。Idonotsaythattheydonothowlatnight，northattheydonotattackpeoplewhohavenotaredfezontheirheads。Ionlysaythatitwouldbemeanformetoaccusethemoftheseunseemlythingswhohavenotseenthemdothemwithmyowneyesorheardthemwithmyownears。
IwasalittlesurprisedtoseeTurksandGreeksplayingnewsboyrighthereinthemysteriouslandwherethegiantsandgeniioftheArabianNightsoncedwelt——wherewingedhorsesandhydra—headeddragonsguardedenchantedcastles——wherePrincesandPrincessesflewthroughtheaironcarpetsthatobeyedamystictalisman——wherecitieswhosehousesweremadeofpreciousstonessprangupinanightunderthehandofthemagician，andwherebusymartsweresuddenlystrickenwithaspellandeachcitizenlayorsat，orstoodwithweaponraisedorfootadvanced，justashewas，speechlessandmotionless，tilltimehadtoldahundredyears！
Itwascurioustoseenewsboyssellingpapersinsodreamyalandasthat。And，tosaytruly，itiscomparativelyanewthinghere。ThesellingofnewspapershaditsbirthinConstantinopleaboutayearago，andwasachildofthePrussianandAustrianwar。
ThereisonepaperpublishedhereintheEnglishlanguage——TheLevantHerald——andtherearegenerallyanumberofGreekandafewFrenchpapersrisingandfalling，strugglingupandfallingagain。NewspapersarenotpopularwiththeSultan\'sGovernment。Theydonotunderstandjournalism。
Theproverbsays，\"Theunknownisalwaysgreat。\"Tothecourt，thenewspaperisamysteriousandrascallyinstitution。Theyknowwhatapestilenceis，becausetheyhaveoneoccasionallythatthinsthepeopleoutattherateoftwothousandaday，andtheyregardanewspaperasamildformofpestilence。
Whenitgoesastray，theysuppressit——pounceuponitwithoutwarning，andthrottleit。Whenitdon\'tgoastrayforalongtime，theygetsuspiciousandthrottleitanyhow，becausetheythinkitishatchingdeviltry。ImaginetheGrandVizierinsolemncouncilwiththemagnatesoftherealm，spellinghiswaythroughthehatednewspaper，andfinallydeliveringhisprofounddecision:\"Thisthingmeansmischief——itistoodarkly，toosuspiciouslyinoffensive——suppressit！Warnthepublisherthatwecannothavethissortofthing:puttheeditorinprison！\"
ThenewspaperbusinesshasitsinconveniencesinConstantinople。TwoGreekpapersandoneFrenchoneweresuppressedherewithinafewdaysofeachother。NovictoriesoftheCretansareallowedtobeprinted。FromtimetotimetheGrandViziersendsanoticetothevariouseditorsthattheCretaninsurrectionisentirelysuppressed，andalthoughthateditorknowsbetter，hestillhastoprintthenotice。TheLevantHeraldistoofondofspeakingpraisefullyofAmericanstobepopularwiththeSultan，whodoesnotrelishoursympathywiththeCretans，andthereforethatpaperhastobeparticularlycircumspectinordertokeepoutoftrouble。
Oncetheeditor，forgettingtheofficialnoticeinhispaperthattheCretanswerecrushedout，printedaletterofaverydifferenttenor，fromtheAmericanConsulinCrete，andwasfinedtwohundredandfiftydollarsforit。Shortlyheprintedanotherfromthesamesourceandwasimprisonedthreemonthsforhispains。IthinkIcouldgettheassistanteditorshipoftheLevantHerald，butIamgoingtotrytoworryalongwithoutit。
Tosuppressapaperhereinvolvestheruinofthepublisher，almost。
ButinNaplesIthinktheyspeculateonmisfortunesofthatkind。Papersaresuppressedthereeveryday，andspringupthenextdayunderanewname。Duringthetendaysorafortnightwestaidthereonepaperwasmurderedandresurrectedtwice。Thenewsboysaresmartthere，justastheyareelsewhere。
Theytakeadvantageofpopularweaknesses。Whentheyfindtheyarenotlikelytosellout，theyapproachacitizenmysteriously，andsayinalowvoice——\"Lastcopy，sir:doubleprice;paperjustbeensuppressed！\"
Themanbuysit，ofcourse，andfindsnothinginit。Theydosay——Idonotvouchforit——buttheydosaythatmensometimesprintavasteditionofapaper，withaferociouslyseditiousarticleinit，distributeitquicklyamongthenewsboys，andclearouttilltheGovernment\'sindignationcools。
Itpayswell。Confiscationdon\'tamounttoanything。Thetypeandpressesarenotworthtakingcareof。
ThereisonlyoneEnglishnewspaperinNaples。Ithasseventysubscribers。
Thepublisherisgettingrichverydeliberately——verydeliberatelyindeed。
InevershallwantanotherTurkishlunch。Thecookingapparatuswasinthelittlelunchroom，nearthebazaar，anditwasallopentothestreet。
Thecookwasslovenly，andsowasthetable，andithadnoclothonit。
Thefellowtookamassofsausagemeatandcoateditroundawireandlaiditonacharcoalfiretocook。Whenitwasdone，helaiditasideandadogwalkedsadlyinandnippedit。Hesmeltitfirst，andprobablyrecognizedtheremainsofafriend。Thecooktookitawayfromhimandlaiditbeforeus。Jacksaid，\"Ipass\"——heplayseuchresometimes——andweallpassedinturn。Thenthecookbakedabroad，flat，wheatencake，greaseditwellwiththesausage，andstartedtowardsuswithit。Itdroppedinthedirt，andhepickeditupandpolisheditonhisbreeches，andlaiditbeforeus。Jacksaid，\"Ipass。\"Weallpassed。Heputsomeeggsinafryingpan，andstoodpensivelypryingslabsofmeatfrombetweenhisteethwithafork。Thenheusedtheforktoturntheeggswith——andbroughtthemalong。
Jacksaid\"Passagain。\"Allfollowedsuit。Wedidnotknowwhattodo，andsoweorderedanewrationofsausage。Thecookgotouthiswire，apportionedaproperamountofsausage—meat，spatitonhishandsandfelltowork！
Thistime，withoneaccord，weallpassedout。Wepaidandleft。ThatisallIlearnedaboutTurkishlunches。ATurkishlunchisgood，nodoubt，butithasitslittledrawbacks。
WhenIthinkhowIhavebeenswindledbybooksofOrientaltravel，I
wantatouristforbreakfast。ForyearsandyearsIhavedreamedofthewondersoftheTurkishbath;foryearsandyearsIhavepromisedmyselfthatIwouldyetenjoyone。Manyandmanyatime，infancy，Ihavelaininthemarblebath，andbreathedtheslumbrousfragranceofEasternspicesthatfilledtheair;thenpassedthroughaweirdandcomplicatedsystemofpullingandhauling，anddrenchingandscrubbing，byagangofnakedsavageswholoomedvastandvaguelythroughthesteamingmists，likedemons;
thenrestedforawhileonadivanfitforaking;thenpassedthroughanothercomplexordeal，andonemorefearfulthanthefirst;and，finally，swathedinsoftfabrics，beenconveyedtoaprincelysaloonandlaidonabedofeiderdown，whereeunuchs，gorgeousofcostume，fannedmewhileIdrowsedanddreamed，orcontentedlygazedattherichhangingsoftheapartment，thesoftcarpets，thesumptuousfurniture，thepictures，anddrankdeli—ciouscoffee，smokedthesoothingnarghili，anddropped，atthelast，intotranquilrepose，lulledbysensuousodorsfromunseencensers，bythegentleinfluenceofthenarghili\'sPersiantobacco，andbythemusicoffountainsthatcounterfeitedthepatteringofsummerrain。
Thatwasthepicture，justasIgotitfromincendiarybooksoftravel。
Itwasapoor，miserableimposture。TherealityisnomorelikeitthantheFivePointsareliketheGardenofEden。Theyreceivedmeinagreatcourt，pavedwithmarbleslabs;arounditwerebroadgalleries，oneaboveanother，carpetedwithseedymatting，railedwithunpaintedbalustrades，andfurnishedwithhugericketychairs，cushionedwithrustyoldmattresses，indentedwithimpressionsleftbytheformsofninesuccessivegenerationsofmenwhohadreposeduponthem。Theplacewasvast，naked，dreary;itscourtabarn，itsgalleriesstallsforhumanhorses。Thecadaverous，halfnudevarletsthatservedintheestablishmenthadnothingofpoetryintheirappearance，nothingofromance，nothingofOrientalsplendor。Theyshednoentrancingodors——justthecontrary。Theirhungryeyesandtheirlankformscontinuallysuggestedoneglaring，unsentimentalfact——theywantedwhattheyterminCalifornia\"asquaremeal。\"
Iwentintooneoftheracksandundressed。Anuncleanstarvelingwrappedagaudytable—clothabouthisloins，andhungawhiteragovermyshoulders。
IfIhadhadatubthen，itwouldhavecomenaturaltometotakeinwashing。
Iwasthenconducteddownstairsintothewet，slipperycourt，andthefirstthingsthatattractedmyattentionweremyheels。Myfallexcitednocomment。Theyexpectedit，nodoubt。Itbelongedinthelistofsoftening，sensuousinfluencespeculiartothishomeofEasternluxury。Itwassofteningenough，certainly，butitsapplicationwasnothappy。Theynowgavemeapairofwoodenclogs——benchesinminiature，withleatherstrapsoverthemtoconfinemyfeet（whichtheywouldhavedone，onlyIdonotwearNo。13s。）ThesethingsdangleduncomfortablybythestrapswhenIliftedupmyfeet，andcamedowninawkwardandunexpectedplaceswhenIputthemontheflooragain，andsometimesturnedsidewaysandwrenchedmyanklesoutofjoint。However，itwasallOrientalluxury，andIdidwhatIcouldtoenjoyit。
Theyputmeinanotherpartofthebarnandlaidmeonastuffysortofpallet，whichwasnotmadeofclothofgold，orPersianshawls，butwasmerelytheunpretendingsortofthingIhaveseeninthenegroquartersofArkansas。Therewasnothingwhateverinthisdimmarbleprisonbutfivemoreofthesebiers。Itwasaverysolemnplace。IexpectedthatthespicedodorsofArabyweregoingtostealovermysensesnow，buttheydidnot。