ByLyonsandtheSaône（wherewesawtheladyofLyonsandthoughtlittleofhercomeliness），byVillaFranca，Tonnere，venerableSens，Melun，Fontainebleau，andscoresofotherbeautifulcities，weswept，alwaysnotingtheabsenceofhogwallows，brokenfences，cowlots，unpaintedhouses，andmud，andalwaysnoting，aswell，thepresenceofcleanliness，grace，tasteinadorningandbeautifying，eventothedispositionofatreeortheturningofahedge，themarvelofroadsinperfectrepair，voidofrutsandguiltlessofevenaninequalityofsurface——webowledalong，hourafterhour，thatbrilliantsummerday，andasnightfallapproachedweenteredawildernessofodorousflowersandshrubbery，spedthroughit，andthen，excited，delighted，andhalfpersuadedthatwewereonlythesportofabeautifuldream，lo，westoodinmagnificentParis！
Whatexcellentordertheykeptaboutthatvastdepot！Therewasnofranticcrowdingandjostling，noshoutingandswearing，andnoswaggeringintrusionofservicesbyrowdyhackmen。Theselattergentrystoodoutside——stoodquietlybytheirlonglineofvehiclesandsaidneveraword。Akindofhackmangeneralseemedtohavethewholematteroftransportationinhishands。Hepolitelyreceivedthepassengersandusheredthemtothekindofconveyancetheywanted，andtoldthedriverwheretodeliverthem。Therewasno\"talkingback，\"nodissatisfactionaboutovercharging，nogrumblingaboutanything。InalittlewhilewewerespeedingthroughthestreetsofParisanddelightfullyrecognizingcertainnamesandplaceswithwhichbookshadlongagomadeusfamiliar。Itwaslikemeetinganoldfriendwhenweread\"RuedeRivoli\"onthestreetcorner;weknewthegenuinevastpalaceoftheLouvreaswellasweknewitspicture;whenwepassedbytheColumnofJulyweneedednoonetotelluswhatitwasortoremindusthatonitssiteoncestoodthegrimBastille，thatgraveofhumanhopesandhappiness，thatdismalprisonhousewithinwhosedungeonssomanyyoungfacesputonthewrinklesofage，somanyproudspiritsgrewhumble，somanybraveheartsbroke。
Wesecuredroomsatthehotel，orrather，wehadthreebedsputintooneroom，sothatwemightbetogether，andthenwewentouttoarestaurant，justafterlamplighting，andateacomfortable，satisfactory，lingeringdinner。Itwasapleasuretoeatwhereeverythingwassotidy，thefoodsowellcooked，thewaiterssopolite，andthecominganddepartingcompanysomoustached，sofrisky，soaffable，sofearfullyandwonderfullyFrenchy！
Allthesurroundingsweregayandenlivening。Twohundredpeoplesatatlittletablesonthesidewalk，sippingwineandcoffee;thestreetswerethrongedwithlightvehiclesandwithjoyouspleasure—seekers;therewasmusicintheair，lifeandactionallaboutus，andaconflagrationofgaslighteverywhere！
AfterdinnerwefeltlikeseeingsuchParisianspecialtiesaswemightseewithoutdistressingexertion，andsowesaunteredthroughthebrilliantstreetsandlookedatthedaintytriflesinvarietystoresandjewelryshops。Occasionally，merelyforthepleasureofbeingcruel，weputunoffendingFrenchmenontherackwithquestionsframedintheincomprehensiblejargonoftheirnativelanguage，andwhiletheywrithedweimpaledthem，wepepperedthem，wescarifiedthem，withtheirownvileverbsandparticiples。
Wenoticedthatinthejewelrystorestheyhadsomeofthearticlesmarked\"gold\"andsomelabeled\"imitation。\"Wewonderedatthisextravaganceofhonestyandinquiredintothematter。Wewereinformedthatinasmuchasmostpeoplearenotabletotellfalsegoldfromthegenuinearticle，thegovernmentcompelsjewelerstohavetheirgoldworkassayedandstampedofficiallyaccordingtoitsfinenessandtheirimitationworkdulylabeledwiththesignofitsfalsity。Theytoldusthejewelerswouldnotdaretoviolatethislaw，andthatwhateverastrangerboughtinoneoftheirstoresmightbedependeduponasbeingstrictlywhatitwasrepresentedtobe。Verily，awonderfullandisFrance！
Thenwehuntedforabarbershop。FromearliestinfancyithadbeenacherishedambitionofminetobeshavedsomedayinapalatialbarbershopinParis。Iwishedtoreclineatfulllengthinacushionedinvalidchair，withpicturesaboutmeandsumptuousfurniture;withfrescoedwallsandgildedarchesabovemeandvistasofCorinthiancolumnsstretchingfarbeforeme;withperfumesofArabytointoxicatemysensesandtheslumbrousdroneofdistantnoisestosoothemetosleep。AttheendofanhourI
wouldwakeupregretfullyandfindmyfaceassmoothandassoftasaninfant\'s。Departing，Iwouldliftmyhandsabovethatbarber\'sheadandsay，\"Heavenblessyou，myson！\"
Sowesearchedhighandlow，foramatteroftwohours，butneverabarbershopcouldwesee。Wesawonlywigmakingestablishments，withshocksofdeadandrepulsivehairboundupontheheadsofpaintedwaxenbrigandswhostaredoutfromglassboxesuponthepasserbywiththeirstonyeyesandscaredhimwiththeghostlywhiteoftheircountenances。Weshunnedthesesignsforatime，butfinallyweconcludedthatthewigmakersmustofnecessitybethebarbersaswell，sincewecouldfindnosinglelegitimaterepresentativeofthefraternity。Weenteredandasked，andfoundthatitwasevenso。
IsaidIwantedtobeshaved。Thebarberinquiredwheremyroomwas。
Isaidnevermindwheremyroomwas，Iwantedtobeshaved——there，onthespot。Thedoctorsaidhewouldbeshavedalso。Thentherewasanexcitementamongthosetwobarbers！Therewasawildconsultation，andafterwardsahurryingtoandfroandafeverishgatheringupofrazorsfromobscureplacesandaransackingforsoap。Nexttheytookusintoalittlemean，shabbybackroom;theygottwoordinarysitting—roomchairsandplacedusinthemwithourcoatson。Myold，olddreamofblissvanishedintothinair！
Isatboltupright，silent，sad，andsolemn。Oneofthewigmakingvillainslatheredmyfacefortenterribleminutesandfinishedbyplasteringamassofsudsintomymouth。IexpelledthenastystuffwithastrongEnglishexpletiveandsaid，\"Foreigner，beware！\"Thenthisoutlawstrappedhisrazoronhisboot，hoveredovermeominouslyforsixfearfulseconds，andthenswoopeddownuponmelikethegeniusofdestruction。Thefirstrakeofhisrazorloosenedtheveryhidefrommyfaceandliftedmeoutofthechair。Istormedandraved，andtheotherboysenjoyedit。Theirbeardsarenotstrongandthick。Letusdrawthecurtainoverthisharrowingscene。
SufficeitthatIsubmittedandwentthroughwiththecruelinflictionofashavebyaFrenchbarber;tearsofexquisiteagonycourseddownmycheeksnowandthen，butIsurvived。Thentheincipientassassinheldabasinofwaterundermychinandsloppeditscontentsovermyface，andintomybosom，anddownthebackofmyneck，withameanpretenseofwashingawaythesoapandblood。Hedriedmyfeatureswithatowelandwasgoingtocombmyhair，butIaskedtobeexcused。Isaid，withwitheringirony，thatitwassufficienttobeskinned——Ideclinedtobescalped。
Iwentawayfromtherewithmyhandkerchiefaboutmyface，andnever，never，neverdesiredtodreamofpalatialParisianbarbershopsanymore。
Thetruthis，asIbelieveIhavesincefoundout，thattheyhavenobarbershopsworthyofthenameinParis——andnobarbers，either，forthatmatter。Theimpostorwhodoesdutyasabarberbringshispansandnapkinsandimplementsoftorturetoyourresidenceanddeliberatelyskinsyouinyourprivateapartments。Ah，Ihavesuffered，suffered，suffered，hereinParis，butnevermind——thetimeiscomingwhenIshallhaveadarkandbloodyrevenge。
SomedayaParisianbarberwillcometomyroomtoskinme，andfromthatdayforththatbarberwillneverbeheardofmore。
Ateleveno\'clockwealighteduponasignwhichmanifestlyreferredtobilliards。Joy！WehadplayedbilliardsintheAzoreswithballsthatwerenotroundandonanancienttablethatwasverylittlesmootherthanabrickpavement——oneofthosewretchedoldthingswithdeadcushions，andwithpatchesinthefadedclothandinvisibleobstructionsthatmadetheballsdescribethemostastonishingandunsuspectedanglesandperformfeatsinthewayofunlooked—forandalmostimpossible\"scratches\"thatwereperfectlybewildering。WehadplayedatGibraltarwithballsthesizeofawalnutonatablelikeapublicsquareandinbothinstancesweachievedfarmoreaggravationthanamusement。Weexpectedtofarebetterhere，butweweremistaken。Thecushionswereagooddealhigherthantheballs，andastheballshadafashionofalwaysstoppingunderthecushions，weaccomplishedverylittleinthewayofcaroms。Thecushionswerehardandunelastic，andthecuesweresocrookedthatinmakingashotyouhadtoallowforthecurveoryouwouldinfalliblyputthe\"English\"onthewrongsideofthehall。DanwastomarkwhilethedoctorandIplayed。Attheendofanhourneitherofushadmadeacount，andsoDanwastiredofkeepingtallywithnothingtotally，andwewereheatedandangryanddisgusted。
Wepaidtheheavybill——aboutsixcents——andsaidwewouldcallaroundsometimewhenwehadaweektospend，andfinishthegame。
Weadjournedtooneofthoseprettycafésandtooksupperandtestedthewinesofthecountry，aswehadbeeninstructedtodo，andfoundthemharmlessandunexciting。Theymighthavebeenexciting，however，ifwehadchosentodrinkasufficiencyofthem。
TocloseourfirstdayinParischeerfullyandpleasantly，wenowsoughtourgrandroomintheGrandHotelduLouvreandclimbedintooursumptuousbedtoreadandsmoke——butalas！Itwaspitiful，Inawholecity—full，Gaswehadnone。Nogastoreadby——nothingbutdismalcandles。Itwasashame。Wetriedtomapoutexcursionsforthemorrow;wepuzzledoverFrench\"guidestoParis\";wetalkeddisjointedlyinavainendeavortomakeheadortailofthewildchaosoftheday\'ssightsandexperiences;wesubsidedtoindolentsmoking;wegapedandyawnedandstretched——thenfeeblywonderedifwewerereallyandtrulyinrenownedParis，anddrifteddrowsilyawayintothatvastmysteriousvoidwhichmencallsleep。
1。Theygoontheprinciplethatitisbetterthatoneinnocentmanshouldsufferthanfivehundred。
Chapter13
Thenextmorningwewereupanddressedatteno\'clock。Wewenttothecommissionaireofthehotel——Idon\'tknowwhatacommissionaireis，butthatisthemanwewentto——andtoldhimwewantedaguide。
HesaidthenationalExpositionhaddrawnsuchmultitudesofEnglishmenandAmericanstoParisthatitwouldbenexttoimpossibletofindagoodguideunemployed。Hesaidheusuallykeptadozenortwoonhand，butheonlyhadthreenow。Hecalledthem。Onelookedsolikeaverypiratethatwelethimgoatonce。Thenextonespokewithasimperingprecisionofpronunciationthatwasirritatingandsaid:
\"Ifzezhentlemanswilltomemakezegrandehonneurtomerattaininheesserveece，IshallshowtohimeverysingzatismagnifiquetolookuponinzebeautifulParree。IspeakyzeAngleeshpairfaitemaw。\"
Hewouldhavedonewelltohavestoppedthere，becausehehadthatmuchbyheartandsaiditrightoffwithoutmakingamistake。Buthisself—complacencyseducedhimintoattemptingaflightintoregionsofunexploredEnglish，andtherecklessexperimentwashisruin。Withintensecondshewassotangledupinamazeofmutilatedverbsandtornandbleedingformsofspeechthatnohumaningenuitycouldeverhavegottenhimoutofitwithcredit。Itwasplainenoughthathecouldnot\"speaky\"theEnglishquiteas\"pairfaitemaw\"ashehadpretendedhecould。
Thethirdmancapturedus。Hewasplainlydressed，buthehadanoticeableairofneatnessabouthim。Heworeahighsilkhatwhichwasalittleold，buthadbeencarefullybrushed。Heworesecondhandkidgloves，ingoodrepair，andcarriedasmallrattancanewithacurvedhandle——afemaleleg——ofivory。Hesteppedasgentlyandasdaintilyasacatcrossingamuddystreet;andoh，hewasurbanity;hewasquiet，unobtrusiveself—possession;
hewasdeferenceitself！Hespokesoftlyandguardedly;andwhenhewasabouttomakeastatementonhissoleresponsibilityorofferasuggestion，heweigheditbydrachmsandscruplesfirst，withthecrookofhislittlestickplacedmeditativelytohisteeth。Hisopeningspeechwasperfect。
Itwasperfectinconstruction，inphraseology，ingrammar，inemphasis，inpronunciation——everything。Hespokelittleandguardedlyafterthat。
Wewerecharmed。Weweremorethancharmed——wewereoverjoyed。Wehiredhimatonce。Weneverevenaskedhimhisprice。Thisman——ourlackey，ourservant，ourunquestioningslavethoughhewas——wasstillagentleman——wecouldseethat——whileoftheothertwoonewascoarseandawkwardandtheotherwasabornpirate。WeaskedourmanFriday\'sname。Hedrewfromhispocketbookasnowylittlecardandpassedittouswithaprofoundbow:
A。BILLFINGERGuidetoParis，France，Germany，Spain，&c。，&c。
GrandeHotelduLouvre\"Billfinger！Oh，carrymehometodie！\"
Thatwasan\"aside\"fromDan。Theatrociousnamegratedharshlyonmyear，too。Themostofuscanlearntoforgive，andeventolike，acountenancethatstrikesusunpleasantlyatfirst，butfewofus，Ifancy，becomereconciledtoajarringnamesoeasily。Iwasalmostsorrywehadhiredthisman，hisnamewassounbearable。However，nomatter。Wewereimpatienttostart。
Billfingersteppedtothedoortocallacarriage，andthenthedoctorsaid:
\"Well，theguidegoeswiththebarbershop，withthebilliardtable，withthegaslessroom，andmaybewithmanyanotherprettyromanceofParis。
IexpectedtohaveaguidenamedHenrideMontmorencyorArmanddelaChartreuseOrsomethingthatwouldsoundgrandinletterstothevillagersathome，buttothinkofaFrenchmanbythenameofBillfinger！Oh！Thisisabsurd，youknow。Thiswillneverdo。Wecan\'tsayBillfinger;itisnauseating。
Namehimoveragain;whathadwebettercallhim？AlexisduCaulaincourt？\"
\"AlphonseHenriGustavedeHauteville，\"Isuggested。
\"CallhimFerguson，\"saidDan。
Thatwaspractical，unromanticgoodsense。Withoutdebate，weexpungedBillfingerasBillfingerandcalledhimFerguson。
Thecarriage——anopenbarouche——wasready。Fergusonmountedbesidethedriver，andwewhirledawaytobreakfast。Aswasproper，Mr。Fergusonstoodbytotransmitourordersandanswerquestions。Byandby，hementionedcasually——theartfuladventurer——thathewouldgoandgethisbreakfastassoonaswehadfinishedours。Heknewwecouldnotgetalongwithouthimandthatwewouldnotwanttoloiteraboutandwaitforhim。Weaskedhimtositdownandeatwithus。Hebegged，withmanyabow，tobeexcused。
Itwasnotproper，hesaid;hewouldsitatanothertable。Weorderedhimperemptorilytositdownwithus。
Hereendeththefirstlesson。Itwasamistake。
Aslongaswehadthatfellowafterthat，hewasalwayshungry;hewasalwaysthirsty。Hecameearly;hestayedlate;hecouldnotpassarestaurant;
helookedwithalecherouseyeuponeverywineshop。Suggestionstostop，excusestoeatandtodrink，wereforeveronhislips。Wetriedallwecouldtofillhimsofullthathewouldhavenoroomtospareforafortnight，butitwasafailure。Hedidnot，holdenoughtosmotherthecravingsofhissuperhumanappetite。
Hehadanother\"discrepancy\"abouthim。Hewasalwayswantingustobuythings。Ontheshallowestpretenseshewouldinveigleusintoshirtstores，bootstores，tailorshops，gloveshops——anywhereunderthebroadsweepoftheheavensthatthereseemedachanceofourbuyinganything。
Anyonecouldhaveguessedthattheshopkeeperspaidhimapercentageonthesales，butinourblessedinnocencewedidn\'tuntilthisfeatureofhisconductgrewunbearablyprominent。OnedayDanhappenedtomentionthathethoughtofbuyingthreeorfoursilkdresspatternsforpresents。
Ferguson\'shungryeyewasuponhiminaninstant。Inthecourseoftwentyminutesthecarriagestopped。
\"What\'sthis？\"
\"ZisiszefinestsilkmagasininParis——zemostcelebrate。\"
\"Whatdidyoucomeherefor？WetoldyoutotakeustothepalaceoftheLouvre。\"
\"Isupposezegentlemansayhewishtobuysomesilk。\"
\"Youarenotrequiredto\'suppose\'thingsfortheparty，Ferguson。Wedonotwishtotaxyourenergiestoomuch。Wewillbearsomeoftheburdenandheatofthedayourselves。Wewillendeavortodosuch\'supposing\'
asisreallynecessarytobedone。Driveon。\"Sospakethedoctor。
Withinfifteenminutesthecarriagehaltedagain，andbeforeanothersilkstore。Thedoctorsaid:
\"Ah，thepalaceoftheLouvre——beautiful，beautifuledifice！DoestheEmperorNapoleonliveherenow，Ferguson？\"
\"Ah，Doctor！Youdojest;zisisnotzepalace;wecometheredirectly。
Butsincewepassrightbyzisstore，whereissuchbeautifulsilk——\'
\"Ah！Isee，Isee。Imeanttohavetoldyouthatwedidnotwishtopurchaseanysilkstoday，butinmyabsentmindednessIforgotit。IalsomeanttotellyouwewishedtogodirectlytotheLouvre，butIforgotthatalso。However，wewillgotherenow。Pardonmyseemingcarelessness，Ferguson。Driveon。\"
Withinthehalfhourwestoppedagain——infrontofanothersilkstore。
Wewereangry;butthedoctorwasalwaysserene，alwayssmooth—voiced。
Hesaid:
\"Atlast！HowimposingtheLouvreis，andyethowsmall！Howexquisitelyfashioned！Howcharminglysituated！Venerable，venerablepile——\"
\"Pairdon，Doctor，zisisnotzeLouvre——itis——\"
\"Whatisit？\'
\"Ihavezeidea——itcometomeinamoment——zatzesilkinzismagasin——\"
\"Ferguson，howheedlessIam。Ifullyintendedtotellyouthatwedidnotwishtobuyanysilkstoday，andIalsointendedtotellyouthatweyearnedtogoimmediatelytothepalaceoftheLouvre，butenjoyingthehappinessofseeingyoudevourfourbreakfaststhismorninghassofilledmewithpleasurableemotionsthatIneglectthecommonestinterestsofthetime。However，wewillproceednowtotheLouvre，Ferguson。\"
\"But，Doctor\"（excitedly），\"itwilltakenotaminute——notbutonesmallminute！Zegentlemanneednottobuyifhenotwishto——butonlylookatzesilk——lookatzebeautifulfabric。[Thenpleadingly。]Sair——justonlyoneleetlemoment！\"
Dansaid，\"Confoundtheidiot！Idon\'twanttoseeanysilkstoday，andIwon\'tlookatthem。Driveon。\"
Andthedoctor:\"Weneednosilksnow，Ferguson。OurheartsyearnfortheLouvre。Letusjourneyon——letusjourneyon。\"
\"But，Doctor！Itisonlyonemoment——oneleetlemoment。Andzetimewillbesave——entirelysave！Becausezereisnothingtoseenow——itistoolate。ItwanttenminutetofourandzeLouvrecloseatfour——onlyoneleetlemoment，Doctor！\"
Thetreacherousmiscreant！Afterfourbreakfastsandagallonofchampagne，toserveussuchascurvytrick。WegotnosightofthecountlesstreasuresofartintheLouvregalleriesthatday，andouronlypoorlittlesatisfactionwasinthereflectionthatFergusonsoldnotasolitarysilkdresspattern。
IamwritingthischapterpartlyforthesatisfactionofabusingthataccomplishedknaveBillfinger，andpartlytoshowwhosoevershallreadthishowAmericansfareatthehandsoftheParisguidesandwhatsortofpeopleParisguidesare。Itneednotbesupposedthatwewereastupideroraneasierpreythanourcountrymengenerallyare，forwewerenot。TheguidesdeceiveanddefraudeveryAmericanwhogoestoParisforthefirsttimeandseesitssightsaloneorincompanywithothersaslittleexperiencedashimself。IshallvisitParisagainsomeday，andthenlettheguidesbeware！Ishallgoinmywarpaint——Ishallcarrymytomahawkalong。
IthinkwehavelostbutlittletimeinParis。Wehavegonetobedeverynighttiredout。OfcoursewevisitedtherenownedInternationalExposition。
Alltheworlddidthat。WewentthereonourthirddayinParis——andwestayedtherenearlytwohours。Thatwasourfirstandlastvisit。
Totellthetruth，wesawataglancethatonewouldhavetospendweeks——yea，evenmonths——inthatmonstrousestablishmenttogetanintelligibleideaofit。Itwasawonderfulshow，butthemovingmassesofpeopleofallnationswesawtherewereastillmorewonderfulshow。IdiscoveredthatifIweretostaythereamonth，Ishouldstillfindmyselflookingatthepeopleinsteadoftheinanimateobjectsonexhibition。Igotalittleinterestedinsomecuriousoldtapestriesofthethirteenthcentury，butapartyofArabscameby，andtheirduskyfacesandquaintcostumescalledmyattentionawayatonce。Iwatchedasilverswan，whichhadalivinggraceabouthismovementsandalivingintelligenceinhiseyes——watchedhimswimmingaboutascomfortablyandasunconcernedlyasifhehadbeenborninamorassinsteadofajeweler\'sshop——watchedhimseizeasilverfishfromunderthewaterandholduphisheadandgothroughallthecustomaryandelaboratemotionsofswallowingit——butthemomentitdisappeareddownhisthroatsometattooedSouthSeaIslandersapproachedandIyieldedtotheirattractions。PresentlyIfoundarevolvingpistolseveralhundredyearsoldwhichlookedstrangelylikeamodernColt，butjustthenIheardthattheEmpressoftheFrenchwasinanotherpartofthebuilding，andhastenedawaytoseewhatshemightlooklike。Weheardmartialmusic——wesawanunusualnumberofsoldierswalkinghurriedlyabout——therewasageneralmovementamongthepeople。WeinquiredwhatitwasallaboutandlearnedthattheEmperoroftheFrenchandtheSultanofTurkeywereabouttoreviewtwenty—fivethousandtroopsattheArcdel\'Etoile。Weimmediatelydeparted。IhadagreateranxietytoseethesementhanIcouldhavehadtoseetwentyexpositions。
WedroveawayandtookupapositioninanopenspaceoppositetheAmericanminister\'shouse。Aspeculatorbridgedacoupleofbarrelswithaboardandwehiredstandingplacesonit。Presentlytherewasasoundofdistantmusic;inanotherminuteapillarofdustcamemovingslowlytowardus;
amomentmoreandthen，withcolorsflyingandagrandcrashofmilitarymusic，agallantarrayofcavalrymenemergedfromthedustandcamedownthestreetonagentletrot。Afterthemcamealonglineofartillery;
thenmorecavalry，insplendiduniforms;andthentheirimperialmajestiesNapoleonIIIandAbdul—Aziz。Thevastconcourseofpeopleswungtheirhatsandshouted——thewindowsandhousetopsinthewidevicinityburstintoasnowstormofwavinghandkerchiefs，andthewaversofthesamemingledtheircheerswiththoseofthemassesbelow。Itwasastirringspectacle。
Butthetwocentralfiguresclaimedallmyattention。Waseversuchacontrastsetupbeforeamultitudetillthen？Napoleoninmilitaryuniform——along—bodied，short—leggedman，fiercelymoustached，old，wrinkled，witheyeshalfclosed，andsuchadeep，crafty，schemingexpressionaboutthem！Napoleonbowingeversogentlytotheloudplaudits，andwatchingeverythingandeverybodywithhiscateyesfromunderhisdepressedhatbrim，asiftodiscoveranysignthatthosecheerswerenotheartfeltandcordial。
Abdul—Aziz，absolutelordoftheOttomanempire——cladindarkgreenEuropeanclothes，almostwithoutornamentorinsigniaofrank;aredTurkishfezonhishead;ashort，stout，darkman，black—bearded，black—eyed，stupid，unprepossessing——amanwhosewholeappearancesomehowsuggestedthatifheonlyhadacleaverinhishandandawhiteapronon，onewouldnotbeatallsurprisedtohearhimsay:\"Amuttonroasttoday，orwillyouhaveaniceporterhousesteak？\"
NapoleonIII，therepresentativeofthehighestmodemcivilization，progress，andrefinement;Abdul—Aziz，therepresentativeofapeoplebynatureandtrainingfilthy，brutish，ignorant，unprogressive，superstitious——andagovernmentwhoseThreeGracesareTyranny，Rapacity，Blood。HereinbrilliantParis，underthismajesticArchofTriumph，thefirstcenturygreetsthenineteenthNapoleonIII，EmperorofFrance！Surroundedbyshoutingthousands，bymilitarypomp，bythesplendorsofhiscapitalcity，andcompanionedbykingsandprinces——thisisthemanwhowassneeredatandreviledandcalledBastard——yetwhowasdreamingofacrownandanempireallthewhile;whowasdrivenintoexile——butcarriedhisdreamswithhim;whoassociatedwiththecommonherdinAmericaandranfootracesforawager——butstillsatuponathroneinfancy;whobravedeverydangertogotohisdyingmother——andgrievedthatshecouldnotbesparedtoseehimcastasidehisplebeianvestmentsforthepurpleofroyalty;whokepthisfaithfulwatchandwalkedhiswearybeatacommonpolicemanofLondon——butdreamedthewhileofacomingnightwhenheshouldtreadthelong—drawncorridorsoftheTuileries;whomadethemiserablefiascoofStrasbourg;sawhispoor，shabbyeagle，forgetfulofitslesson，refusetoperchuponhisshoulder;
deliveredhiscarefullyprepared，sententiousburstofeloquenceuntounsympatheticears;foundhimselfaprisoner，thebuttofsmallwits，amarkforthepitilessridiculeofalltheworld——yetwentondreamingofcoronationsandsplendidpageantsasbefore;wholayaforgottencaptiveinthedungeonsofHam——andstillschemedandplannedandponderedoverfuturegloryandfuturepower;PresidentofFranceatlast！acoupd\'etat，andsurroundedbyapplaudingarmies，welcomedbythethundersofcannon，hemountsathroneandwavesbeforeanastoundedworldthescepterofamightyempire！Whotalksofthemarvelsoffiction？Whospeaksofthewondersofromance？
WhopratesofthetameachievementsofAladdinandtheMagiiofArabia？
Abdul—Aziz，SultanofTurkey，LordoftheOttomanEmpire！Borntoathrone;weak，stupid，ignorant，almost，ashismeanestslave;chiefofavastroyalty，yetthepuppetofhispremierandtheobedientchildofatyrannicalmother;amanwhositsuponathrone——thebeckofwhosefingermovesnaviesandarmies——whoholdsinhishandsthepoweroflifeanddeathovermillions——yetwhosleeps，sleeps，eats，eats，idleswithhiseighthundredconcubines，andwhenheissurfeitedwitheatingandsleepingandidling，andwouldrouseupandtakethereinsofgovernmentandthreatentobeasultan，ischarmedfromhispurposebywaryFuadPashawithaprettyplanforanewpalaceoranewship——charmedawaywithanewtoy，likeanyotherrestlesschild;amanwhoseeshispeoplerobbedandoppressedbysoullesstaxgatherers，butspeaksnowordtosavethem;whobelievesingnomesandgeniiandthewildfablesofTheArabianNights，buthassmallregardforthemightymagiciansoftodayandisnervousinthepresenceoftheirmysteriousrailroadsandsteamboatsandtelegraphs;whowouldseeundoneinEgyptallthatgreatMehemetAliachievedandwouldpreferrathertoforgetthanemulatehim;amanwhofoundhisgreatempireablotupontheearth——adegraded，poverty—stricken，miserable，infamousagglomerationofignorance，crime，andbrutality——andwillidleawaytheallotteddaysofhistriviallifeandthenpasstothedustandthewormsandleaveitso！
NapoleonhasaugmentedthecommercialprosperityofFranceintenyearstosuchadegreethatfigurescanhardlycomputeit。HehasrebuiltParisandhaspartlyrebuilteverycityinthestate。Hecondemnsawholestreetatatime，assessesthedamages，paysthem，andrebuildssuperbly。Thenspeculatorsbuyupthegroundandsell，buttheoriginalownerisgiventhefirstchoicebythegovernmentatastatedpricebeforethespeculatorispermittedtopurchase。Butaboveallthings，hehastakenthesolecontroloftheempireofFranceintohishandsandmadeitatolerablyfreeland——forpeoplewhowillnotattempttogotoofarinmeddlingwithgovernmentaffairs。
NocountryoffersgreatersecuritytolifeandpropertythanFrance，andonehasallthefreedomhewants，butnolicense——nolicensetointerferewithanybodyormakeanyoneuncomfortable。
AsfortheSultan，onecouldsetatrapanywhereandcatchadozenablermeninanight。
Thebandsstruckup，andthebrilliantadventurer，NapoleonIII，thegeniusofEnergy，Persistence，Enterprise，andthefeebleAbdul—Aziz，thegeniusofIgnorance，Bigotry，andIndolence，preparedfortheForward——March！
Wesawthesplendidreview，wesawthewhite—moustachedoldCrimeansoldierCanrobert，marshalofFrance，wesaw——well，wesaweverything，andthenwewenthomesatisfied。
Chapter14
WewenttoseetheCathedralofNotreDame。Wehadheardofitbefore。
Itsurprisesmesometimestothinkhowmuchwedoknowandhowintelligentweare。WerecognizedthebrownoldGothicpileinamoment;itwaslikethepictures。Westoodatalittledistanceandchangedfromonepointofobservationtoanotherandgazedlongatitsloftysquaretowersanditsrichfront，clusteredthickwithstony，mutilatedsaintswhohadbeenlookingcalmlydownfromtheirperchesforages。ThePatriarchofJerusalemstoodunderthemintheolddaysofchivalryandromance，andpreachedthethirdCrusade，morethansixhundredyearsago;andsincethatdaytheyhavestoodthereandlookedquietlydownuponthemostthrillingscenes，thegrandestpageants，themostextraordinaryspectaclesthathavegrievedordelightedParis。Thesebatteredandbroken—nosedoldfellowssawmanyandmanyacavalcadeofmail—cladknightscomemarchinghomefromHolyLand;theyheardthebellsabovethemtollthesignalfortheSt。Bartholomew\'sMassacre，andtheysawtheslaughterthatfollowed;latertheysawtheReignofTerror，thecarnageoftheRevolution，theoverthrowofaking，thecoronationoftwoNapoleons，thechristeningoftheyoungprincethatlordsitoveraregimentofservantsintheTuileriestoday——andtheymaypossiblycontinuetostandthereuntiltheyseetheNapoleondynastysweptawayandthebannersofagreatrepublicfloatingaboveitsruins。Iwishtheseoldpartiescouldspeak。Theycouldtellataleworththelisteningto。