Atdinnerintheevening，awell—writtenoriginalpoemwasrecitedwithspiritbyoneoftheship\'scaptains，andthirteenregulartoastswerewasheddownwithseveralbasketsofchampagne。Thespeecheswerebadexecrablealmostwithoutexception。Infact，withoutanyexceptionbutone。
CaptainDuncanmadeagoodspeech;hemadetheonlygoodspeechoftheevening。Hesaid:
\"Ladiesandgentlemen:Maywealllivetoagreenoldageandbeprosperousandhappy。Steward，bringupanotherbasketofchampagne。\"
Itwasregardedasaveryableeffort。
Thefestivities，sotospeak，closedwithanotherofthosemiraculousballsonthepromenadedeck。Wewerenotusedtodancingonanevenkeel，though，anditwasonlyaquestionablesuccess。Buttakeitalltogether，itwasabright，cheerful，pleasantFourth。
Towardnightfallthenextevening，westeamedintothegreatartificialharborofthisnoblecityofMarseilles，andsawthedyingsunlightgilditsclusteringspiresandramparts，andflooditsleaguesofenvironingverdurewithamellowradiancethattouchedwithanaddedcharmthewhitevillasthatfleckedthelandscapefarandnear。[Copyrightsecuredaccordingtolaw。]
Therewerenostagesout，andwecouldnotgetonthepierfromtheship。Itwasannoying。Wewerefullofenthusiasm——wewantedtoseeFrance！
Justatnightfallourpartyofthreecontractedwithawatermanfortheprivilegeofusinghisboatasabridge——itssternwasatourcompanionladderanditsbowtouchedthepier。Wegotinandthefellowbackedoutintotheharbor。ItoldhiminFrenchthatallwewantedwastowalkoverhisthwartsandstepashore，andaskedhimwhathewentawayouttherefor。Hesaidhecouldnotunderstandme。Irepeated。Stillhecouldnotunderstand。HeappearedtobeveryignorantofFrench。Thedoctortriedhim，buthecouldnotunderstandthedoctor。Iaskedthisboatmantoexplainhisconduct，whichhedid;andthenIcouldn\'tunderstandhim。Dansaid:
\"Oh，gotothepier，youoldfool——that\'swherewewanttogo！\"
WereasonedcalmlywithDanthatitwasuselesstospeaktothisforeignerinEnglish——thathehadbetterletusconductthisbusinessintheFrenchlanguageandnotletthestrangerseehowuncultivatedhewas。
\"Well，goon，goon，\"hesaid，\"don\'tmindme。Idon\'twishtointerfere。
Only，ifyougoontellinghiminyourkindofFrench，heneverwillfindoutwherewewanttogoto。ThatiswhatIthinkaboutit。\"
Werebukedhimseverelyforthisremarkandsaidweneverknewanignorantpersonyetbutwasprejudiced。TheFrenchmanspokeagain，andthedoctorsaid:
\"Therenow，Dan，hesaysheisgoingtoalleztothedouain。Meansheisgoingtothehotel。Oh，certainly——wedon\'tknowtheFrenchlanguage。\"
Thiswasacrusher，asJackwouldsay。Itsilencedfurthercriticismfromthedisaffectedmember。Wecoastedpastthesharpbowsofanavyofgreatsteamshipsandstoppedatlastatagovernmentbuildingonastonepier。Itwaseasytorememberthenthatthedouainwasthecustomhouseandnotthehotel。Wedidnotmentionit，however。WithwinningFrenchpolitenesstheofficersmerelyopenedandclosedoursatchels，declinedtoexamineourpassports，andsentusonourway。Westoppedatthefirstcaféwecametoandentered。Anoldwomanseatedusatatableandwaitedfororders。Thedoctorsaid:
\"Avez—vousduvin？\"
Thedamelookedperplexed。Thedoctorsaidagain，withelaboratedistinctnessofarticulation:
\"Avez—vousdu——vin！\"
Thedamelookedmoreperplexedthanbefore。Isaid:
\"Doctor，thereisaflawinyourpronunciationsomewhere。Letmetryher。Madame，avez—vousduvin？Itisn\'tanyuse，Doctor——takethewitness。\"
\"Madame，avez—vousduvin——dufromage——pain——pickledpigs\'feet——beurre——desoeufs——duboeuf——horseradish，sauerkraut，hogandhominy——anything，anythingintheworldthatcanstayaChristianstomach！\"
Shesaid:
\"Blessyou，whydidn\'tyouspeakEnglishbefore？Idon\'tknowanythingaboutyourplaguedFrench！\"
Thehumiliatingtauntsofthedisaffectedmemberspoiledthesupper，andwedispatcheditinangrysilenceandgotawayassoonaswecould。
HerewewereinbeautifulFrance——inavaststonehouseofquaintarchitecture——surroundedbyallmannerofcuriouslywordedFrenchsigns——staredatbystrangelyhabited，beardedFrenchpeople——everythinggraduallyandsurelyforcinguponusthecovetedconsciousnessthatatlast，andbeyondallquestion，wewereinbeautifulFranceandabsorbingitsnaturetotheforgetfulnessofeverythingelse，andcomingtofeelthehappyromanceofthethinginallitsenchantingdelightfulness——andtothinkofthisskinnyveteranintrudingwithhervileEnglish，atsuchamoment，toblowthefairvisiontothewinds！Itwasexasperating。
Wesetouttofindthecenterofthecity，inquiringthedirectioneverynow。andthen。Weneverdidsucceedinmakinganybodyunderstandjustexactlywhatwewanted，andneitherdidweeversucceedincomprehendingjustexactlywhattheysaidinreply，butthentheyalwayspointed——theyalwaysdidthat——andwebowedpolitelyandsaid，\"Merci，monsieur，\"andsoitwasablightingtriumphoverthedisaffectedmemberanyway。Hewasrestiveunderthesevictoriesandoftenasked:
\"Whatdidthatpiratesay？\"
\"Why，hetolduswhichwaytogotofindtheGrandCasino。\"
\"Yes，butwhatdidhesay？\"
\"Oh，itdon\'tmatterwhathesaid——weunderstoodhim。Theseareeducatedpeoplenotlikethatabsurdboatman。\"
\"Well，Iwishtheywereeducatedenoughtotellamanadirectionthatgoessomewhere——forwe\'vebeengoingaroundinacircleforanhour。
I\'vepassedthissameolddrugstoreseventimes。\"
Wesaiditwasalow，disreputablefalsehood（butweknewitwasnot）。
Itwasplainthatitwouldnotdotopassthatdrugstoreagain，though——wemightgoonaskingdirections，butwemustceasefromfollowingfinger—pointingsifwehopedtocheckthesuspicionsofthedisaffectedmember。
Alongwalkthroughsmooth，asphaltum—pavedstreetsborderedbyblocksofvastnewmercantilehousesofcream—coloredstoneeveryhouseandeveryblockpreciselylikealltheotherhousesandalltheotherblocksforamile，andallbrilliantlylighted——broughtusatlasttotheprincipalthoroughfare。Oneveryhandwerebrightcolors，flashingconstellationsofgasburners，gailydressedmenandwomenthrongingthesidewalks——hurry，life，activity，cheerfulness，conversation，andlaughtereverywhere！WefoundtheGrandHotelduLouvreetdelaPaix，andwrotedownwhowewere，wherewewereborn，whatouroccupationswere，theplacewecamefromlast，whetherweweremarriedorsingle，howwelikedit，howoldwewere，wherewewereboundforandwhenweexpectedtogetthere，andagreatdealofinformationofsimilarimportance——allforthebenefitofthelandlordandthesecretpolice。Wehiredaguideandbeganthebusinessofsightseeingimmediately。ThatfirstnightonFrenchsoilwasastirringone。Icannotthinkofhalftheplaceswewenttoorwhatweparticularlysaw;wehadnodispositiontoexaminecarefullyintoanythingatall——weonlywantedtoglanceandgo——tomove，keepmoving！Thespiritofthecountrywasuponus。Wesatdown，finally，atalatehour，inthegreatCasino，andcalledforunstintedchampagne。Itissoeasytobebloatedaristocratswhereitcostsnothingofconsequence！Therewereaboutfivehundredpeopleinthatdazzlingplace，Isuppose，thoughthewallsbeingpaperedentirelywithmirrors，sotospeak，onecouldnotreallytellbutthattherewereahundredthousand。Young，daintilydressedexquisitesandyoung，stylishlydressedwomen，andalsooldgentlemenandoldladies，satincouplesandgroupsaboutinnumerablemarble—toppedtablesandatefancysuppers，drankwine，andkeptupachatteringdinofconversationthatwasdazingtothesenses。Therewasastageatthefarendandalargeorchestra;andeverynowandthenactorsandactressesinpreposterouscomicdressescameoutandsangthemostextravagantlyfunnysongs，tojudgebytheirabsurdactions;
butthataudiencemerelysuspendeditschatter，staredcynically，andneveroncesmiled，neveronceapplauded！IhadalwaysthoughtthatFrenchmenwerereadytolaughatanything。
Chapter11
Wearegettingforeignizedrapidlyandwithfacility。Wearegettingreconciledtohallsandbedchamberswithunhomelikestonefloorsandnocarpets——floorsthatringtothetreadofone\'sheelswithasharpnessthatisdeathtosentimentalmusing。Wearegettingusedtotidy，noiselesswaiters，whoglidehitherandthither，andhoveraboutyourbackandyourelbowslikebutterflies，quicktocomprehendorders，quicktofillthem;
thankfulforagratuitywithoutregardtotheamount;andalwayspolite——neverotherwisethanpolite。Thatisthestrangestcuriosityyet——areallypolitehotelwaiterwhoisn\'tanidiot。Wearegettingusedtodrivingrightintothecentralcourtofthehotel，inthemidstofafragrantcircleofvinesandflowers，andinthemidstalsoofpartiesofgentlemensittingquietlyreadingthepaperandsmoking。Wearegettingusedtoicefrozenbyartificialprocessinordinarybottles——theonlykindoficetheyhavehere。Wearegettingusedtoallthesethings，butweare，notgettingusedtocarryingourownsoap。Wearesufficientlycivilizedtocarryourowncombsandtoothbrushes，butthisthingofhavingtoringforsoapeverytimewewashisnewtousandnotpleasantatall。Wethinkofitjustafterwegetourheadsandfacesthoroughlywetorjustwhenwethinkwehavebeeninthebathtublongenough，andthen，ofcourse，anannoyingdelayfollows。TheseMarseillaisesmakeMarseillaisehymnsandMarseillesvestsandMarseillessoapforalltheworld，buttheyneversingtheirhymnsorweartheirvestsorwashwiththeirsoapthemselves。
Wehavelearnedtogothroughthelingeringroutineofthetabled\'hôtewithpatience，withserenity，withsatisfaction。Wetakesoup，thenwaitafewminutesforthefish;afewminutesmoreandtheplatesarechanged，andtheroastbeefcomes;anotherchangeandwetakepeas;changeagainandtakelentils;changeandtakesnailpatties（Iprefergrasshoppers）;
changeandtakeroastchickenandsalad;thenstrawberrypieandicecream;
thengreenfigs，pears，oranges，greenalmonds，etc。;finallycoffee。Winewitheverycourse，ofcourse，beinginFrance。Withsuchacargoonboard，digestionisaslowprocess，andwemustsitlonginthecoolchambersandsmoke——andreadFrenchnewspapers，whichhaveastrangefashionoftellingaperfectlystraightstorytillyougettothe\"nub\"ofit，andthenaworddropsinthatnomancantranslate，andthatstoryisruined。
AnembankmentfellonsomeFrenchmenyesterday，andthepapersarefullofittoday——butwhetherthosesuffererswerekilled，orcrippled，orbruised，oronlyscaredismorethanIcanpossiblymakeout，andyetIwouldjustgiveanythingtoknow。
WeweretroubledalittleatdinnertodaybytheconductofanAmerican，whotalkedveryloudlyandcoarselyandlaughedboisterouslywhereallothersweresoquietandwellbehaved。Heorderedwinewitharoyalflourishandsaid:\"Ineverdinewithoutwine，sir\"（whichwasapitifulfalsehood），andlookedarounduponthecompanytobaskintheadmirationheexpectedtofindintheirfaces。Alltheseairsinalandwheretheywouldassoonexpecttoleavethesoupoutofthebilloffareasthewine！——inalandwherewineisnearlyascommonamongallranksaswater！Thisfellowsaid:
\"Iamafreebornsovereign，sir，anAmerican，sir，andIwanteverybodytoknowit！\"HedidnotmentionthathewasalinealdescendantofBalaam\'sass，buteverybodyknewthatwithouthistellingit。
WehavedriveninthePrado——thatsuperbavenueborderedwithpatricianmansionsandnobleshadetrees——andhavevisitedthechâteauBoarelyanditscuriousmuseum。Theyshowedusaminiaturecemeterythere——acopyofthefirstgraveyardthatwaseverinMarseilles，nodoubt。Thedelicatelittleskeletonswerelyinginbrokenvaultsandhadtheirhouseholdgodsandkitchenutensilswiththem。Theoriginalofthiscemeterywasdugupintheprincipalstreetofthecityafewyearsago。Ithadremainedthere，onlytwelvefeetunderground，foramatteroftwenty—fivehundredyearsorthereabouts。RomuluswasherebeforehebuiltRome，andthoughtsomethingoffoundingacityonthisspot，butgaveuptheidea。HemayhavebeenpersonallyacquaintedwithsomeofthesePhoenicianswhoseskeletonswehavebeenexamining。
InthegreatZoologicalGardenswefoundspecimensofalltheanimalstheworldproduces，Ithink，includingadromedary，amonkeyornamentedwithtuftsofbrilliantblueandcarminehair——averygorgeousmonkeyhewas——ahippopotamusfromtheNile，andasortoftall，long—leggedbirdwithabeaklikeapowderhornandclose—fittingwingslikethetailsofadresscoat。Thisfellowstoodupwithhiseyesshutandhisshouldersstoopedforwardalittle，andlookedasifhehadhishandsunderhiscoattails。
Suchtranquilstupidity，suchsupernaturalgravity，suchself—righteousness，andsuchineffableself—complacencyaswereinthecountenanceandattitudeofthatgray—bodied，dark—winged，bald—headed，andpreposterouslyuncomelybird！Hewassoungainly，sopimplyaboutthehead，soscalyaboutthelegs，yetsoserene，sounspeakablysatisfied！Hewasthemostcomical—lookingcreaturethatcanbeimagined。ItwasgoodtohearDanandthedoctorlaugh——suchnaturalandsuchenjoyablelaughterhadnotbeenheardamongourexcursionistssinceourshipsailedawayfromAmerica。Thisbirdwasagodsendtous，andIshouldbeaningrateifIforgottomakehonorablementionofhiminthesepages。Ourswasapleasureexcursion;thereforewestayedwiththatbirdanhourandmadethemostofhim。Westirredhimupoccasionally，butheonlyunclosedaneyeandslowlycloseditagain，abatingnojotofhisstatelypietyofdemeanororhistremendousseriousness。Heonlyseemedtosay，\"DefilenotHeaven\'sanointedwithunsanctifiedhands。\"
Wedidnotknowhisname，andsowecalledhim\"ThePilgrim。\"Dansaid:
\"AllhewantsnowisaPlymouthCollection。\"
Thebooncompanionofthecolossalelephantwasacommoncat！Thiscathadafashionofclimbinguptheelephant\'shindlegsandroostingonhisback。Shewouldsitupthere，withherpawscurvedunderherbreast，andsleepinthesunhalftheafternoon。Itusedtoannoytheelephantatfirst，andhewouldreachupandtakeherdown，butshewouldgoaftandclimbupagain。Shepersisteduntilshefinallyconqueredtheelephant\'sprejudices，andnowtheyareinseparablefriends。Thecatplaysabouthercomrade\'sforefeetorhistrunkoften，untildogsapproach，andthenshegoesaloftoutofdanger。Theelephanthasannihilatedseveraldogslatelythatpressedhiscompaniontooclosely。
WehiredasailboatandaguideandmadeanexcursiontooneofthesmallislandsintheharbortovisittheCastled\'If。Thisancientfortresshasamelancholyhistory。Ithasbeenusedasaprisonforpoliticaloffendersfortwoorthreehundredyears，anditsdungeonwallsarescarredwiththerudelycarvednamesofmanyandmanyacaptivewhofrettedhislifeawayhereandleftnorecordofhimselfbutthesesadepitaphswroughtwithhisownhands。Howthickthenameswere！Andtheirlong—departedownersseemedtothrongthegloomycellsandcorridorswiththeirphantomshapes。
Weloiteredthroughdungeonafterdungeon，awaydownintothelivingrockbelowthelevelofthesea，itseemed。Nameseverywhere！——someplebeian，somenoble，someevenprincely。Plebeian，prince，andnoblehadonesolicitudeincommon——theywouldnotbeforgotten！Theycouldsuffersolitude，inactivity，andthehorrorsofasilencethatnosoundeverdisturbed，buttheycouldnotbearthethoughtofbeingutterlyforgottenbytheworld。Hencethecarvednames。Inonecell，wherealittlelightpenetrated，amanhadlivedtwenty—sevenyearswithoutseeingthefaceofahumanbeing——livedinfilthandwretchedness，withnocompanionshipbuthisownthoughts，andtheyweresorrowfulenoughandhopelessenough，nodoubt。Whateverhisjailersconsideredthatheneededwasconveyedtohiscellbynightthroughawicket。
Thismancarvedthewallsofhisprisonhousefromfloortoroofwithallmanneroffiguresofmenandanimalsgroupedinintricatedesigns。Hehadtoiledthereyearafteryear，athisself—appointedtask，whileinfantsgrewtoboyhood——tovigorousyouth——idledthroughschoolandcollege——acquiredaprofession——claimedman\'smatureestate——marriedandlookedbacktoinfancyastoathingofsomevague，ancienttimealmost。Butwhoshalltellhowmanyagesitseemedtothisprisoner？Withtheone，timeflewsometimes;
withtheother，never——itcrawledalways。Totheone，nightsspentindancinghadseemedmadeofminutesinsteadofhours;totheother，thoseselfsamenightshadbeenlikeallothernightsofdungeonlifeandseemedmadeofslow，draggingweeksinsteadofhoursandminutes。
Oneprisoneroffifteenyearshadscratchedversesuponhiswalls，andbriefprosesentences——brief，butfullofpathos。Thesespokenotofhimselfandhishardestate，butonlyoftheshrinewherehisspiritfledtheprisontoworship——ofhomeandtheidolsthatweretempledthere。Heneverlivedtoseethem。
Thewallsofthesedungeonsareasthickassomebedchambersathomearewide——fifteenfeet。Wesawthedamp，dismalcellsinwhichtwoofDumas\'
heroespassedtheirconfinement——heroesofMonteCristo。ItwasherethatthebraveAbbéwroteabookwithhisownblood，withapenmadeofapieceofironhoop，andbythelightofalampmadeoutofshredsofclothsoakedingreaseobtainedfromhisfood;andthendugthroughthethickwallwithsometriflinginstrumentwhichhewroughthimselfoutofastraypieceofironortablecutleryandfreedDantésfromhischains。Itwasapitythatsomanyweeksofdrearylaborshouldhavecometonaughtatlast。
Theyshowedusthenoisomecellwherethecelebrated\"IronMask\"——thatill—starredbrotherofahardheartedkingofFrance——wasconfinedforaseasonbeforehewassenttohidethestrangemysteryofhislifefromthecuriousinthedungeonsofSte。Marguerite。TheplacehadafargreaterinterestforusthanitcouldhavehadifwehadknownbeyondallquestionwhotheIronMaskwas，andwhathishistoryhadbeen，andwhythismostunusualpunishmenthadbeenmetedouttohim。Mystery！Thatwasthecharm。
Thatspeechlesstongue，thoseprisonedfeatures，thatheartsofreightedwithunspokentroubles，andthatbreastsooppressedwithitspiteoussecrethadbeenhere。Thesedankwallshadknownthemanwhosedolorousstoryisasealedbookforever！Therewasfascinationinthespot。
Chapter12
WehavecomefivehundredmilesbyrailthroughtheheartofFrance。
Whatabewitchinglanditis！Whatagarden！Surelytheleaguesofbrightgreenlawnsaresweptandbrushedandwateredeverydayandtheirgrassestrimmedbythebarber。Surelythehedgesareshapedandmeasuredandtheirsymmetrypreservedbythemostarchitecturalofgardeners。Surelythelongstraightrowsofstatelypoplarsthatdividethebeautifullandscapelikethesquaresofacheckerboardaresetwithlineandplummet，andtheiruniformheightdeterminedwithaspiritlevel。Surelythestraight，smooth，purewhiteturnpikesarejack—planedandsandpaperedeveryday。Howelsearethesemarvelsofsymmetry，cleanliness，andorderattained？Itiswonderful。
Therearenounsightlystonewallsandneverafenceofanykind。Thereisnodirt，nodecay，norubbishanywhere——nothingthatevenhintsatuntidiness——nothingthateversuggestsneglect。Allisorderlyandbeautiful——everythingischarmingtotheeye。
WehadsuchglimpsesoftheRhoneglidingalongbetweenitsgrassybanks;
ofcosycottagesburiedinflowersandshrubbery;ofquaintoldred—tiledvillageswithmossymedievalcathedralsloomingoutoftheirmidst;ofwoodedhillswithivy—growntowersandturretsoffeudalcastlesprojectingabovethefoliage;suchglimpsesofParadise，itseemedtous，suchvisionsoffabledfairyland！
Weknewthenwhatthepoetmeantwhenhesangof:——thycornfieldsgreen，andsunnyvines，OpleasantlandofFrance！Anditisapleasantland。Noworddescribesitsofelicitouslyasthatone。Theysaythereisnowordfor\"home\"intheFrenchlanguage。
Well，consideringthattheyhavethearticleitselfinsuchanattractiveaspect，theyoughttomanagetogetalongwithouttheword。Letusnotwastetoomuchpityon\"homeless\"France。IhaveobservedthatFrenchmenabroadseldomwhollygiveuptheideaofgoingbacktoFrancesometimeorother。Iamnotsurprisedatitnow。
WearenotinfatuatedwiththeseFrenchrailwaycars，though。Wetookfirst—classpassage，notbecausewewishedtoattractattentionbydoingathingwhichisuncommoninEuropebutbecausewecouldmakeourjourneyquickerbysodoing。Itishardtomakerailroadingpleasantinanycountry。
Itistootedious。Stagecoachingisinfinitelymoredelightful。OnceI
crossedtheplainsanddesertsandmountainsoftheWestinastagecoach，fromtheMissourilinetoCalifornia，andsincethenallmypleasuretripsmustbemeasuredtothatrareholidayfrolic。Twothousandmilesofceaselessrushandrattleandclatter，bynightandbyday，andneverawearymoment，neveralapseofinterest！Thefirstsevenhundredmilesalevelcontinent，itsgrassycarpetgreenerandsofterandsmootherthananyseaandfiguredwithdesignsfittedtoitsmagnitude——theshadowsoftheclouds。Herewerenoscenesbutsummerscenes，andnodispositioninspiredbythembuttolieatfulllengthonthemailsacksinthegratefulbreezeanddreamilysmokethepipeofpeace——whatother，whereallwasreposeandcontentment？
Incoolmornings，beforethesunwasfairlyup，itwasworthalifetimeofcitytoilingandmoilingtoperchintheforetopwiththedriverandseethesixmustangsscamperunderthesharpsnappingofthewhipthatnevertouchedthem;toscanthebluedistancesofaworldthatknewnolordsbutus;tocleavethewindwithuncoveredheadandfeelthesluggishpulsesrousingtothespiritofaspeedthatpretendedtotheresistlessrushofatyphoon！Thenthirteenhundredmilesofdesertsolitudes;oflimitlesspanoramasofbewilderingperspective;ofmimiccities，ofpinnacledcathedrals，ofmassivefortresses，counterfeitedintheeternalrocksandsplendidwiththecrimsonandgoldofthesettingsun;ofdizzyaltitudesamongfog—wreathedpeaksandnever—meltingsnows，wherethundersandlightningsandtempestswarredmagnificentlyatourfeetandthestormcloudsaboveswungtheirshreddedbannersinourveryfaces！ButIforgot。IaminelegantFrancenow，andnotscurryingthroughthegreatSouthPassandtheWindRiverMountains，amongantelopesandbuffaloesandpaintedIndiansonthewarpath。ItisnotmeetthatIshouldmaketoodisparagingcomparisonsbetweenhumdrumtravelonarailwayandthatroyalsummerflightacrossacontinentinastagecoach。Imeantinthebeginningtosaythatrailwayjourneyingistediousandtiresome，andsoitis——thoughatthetimeI
wasthinkingparticularlyofadismalfifty—hourpilgrimagebetweenNewYorkandSt。Louis。OfcourseourtripthroughFrancewasnotreallytediousbecauseallitsscenesandexperienceswerenewandstrange;butasDansays，ithadits\"discrepancies。\"
Thecarsarebuiltincompartmentsthatholdeightpersonseach。Eachcompartmentispartiallysubdivided，andsotherearetwotolerablydistinctpartiesoffourinit。Fourfacetheotherfour。Theseatsandbacksarethicklypaddedandcushionedandareverycomfortable;youcansmokeifyouwish;therearenobothersomepeddlers;youaresavedtheinflictionofamultitudeofdisagreeablefellowpassengers。Sofar，sowell。Butthentheconductorlocksyouinwhenthetrainstarts;thereisnowatertodrinkinthecar;thereisnoheatingapparatusfornighttravel;ifadrunkenrowdyshouldgetin，youcouldnotremoveamatteroftwentyseatsfromhimorenteranothercar;butaboveall，ifyouarewornoutandmustsleep，youmustsitupanddoitinnaps，withcrampedlegsandinatorturingmiserythatleavesyouwitheredandlifelessthenextday——forbeholdtheyhavenotthatculminationofallcharityandhumankindness，asleepingcar，inallFrance。IprefertheAmericansystem。Ithasnotsomanygrievous\"discrepancies。\"
InFrance，allisclockwork，allisorder。Theymakenomistakes。Everythirdmanwearsauniform，andwhetherhebeamarshaloftheempireorabrakeman，heisreadyandperfectlywillingtoanswerallyourquestionswithtirelesspoliteness，readytotellyouwhichcartotake，yea，andreadytogoandputyouintoittomakesurethatyoushallnotgoastray。
Youcannotpassintothewaitingroomofthedepottillyouhavesecuredyourticket，andyoucannotpassfromitsonlyexittillthetrainisatitsthresholdtoreceiveyou。Onceonboard，thetrainwillnotstarttillyourtickethasbeenexamined——tilleverypassenger\'stickethasbeeninspected。
Thisischieflyforyourowngood。Ifbyanypossibilityyouhavemanagedtotakethewrongtrain，youwillbehandedovertoapoliteofficialwhowilltakeyouwhitheryoubelongandbestowyouwithmanyanaffablebow。
Yourticketwillbeinspectedeverynowandthenalongtheroute，andwhenitistimetochangecarsyouwillknowit。Youareinthehandsofofficialswhozealouslystudyyourwelfareandyourinterest，insteadofturningtheirtalentstotheinventionofnewmethodsofdiscommodingandsnubbingyou，asisveryoftenthemainemploymentofthatexceedinglyself—satisfiedmonarch，therailroadconductorofAmerica。
ButthehappiestregulationinFrenchrailwaygovernmentis——thirtyminutestodinner！Nofive—minuteboltingsofflabbyrolls，muddycoffee，questionableeggs，gutta—perchabeef，andpieswhoseconceptionandexecutionareadarkandbloodymysterytoallsavethecookthatcreatedthem！No，wesatcalmlydown——itwasinoldDijon，whichissoeasytospellandsoimpossibletopronounceexceptwhenyoucivilizeitandcallitDemijohn——andpouredoutrichBurgundianwinesandmunchedcalmlythroughalongtabled\'hôtebilloffare，snailpatties，deliciousfruitsandall，thenpaidthetrifleitcostandsteppedhappilyaboardthetrainagain，withoutoncecursingtherailroadcompany。Arareexperienceandonetobetreasuredforever。
TheysaytheydonothaveaccidentsontheseFrenchroads，andIthinkitmustbetrue。IfIrememberrightly，wepassedhighabovewagonroadsorthroughtunnelsunderthem，butnevercrossedthemontheirownlevel。
Abouteveryquarterofamile，itseemedtome，amancameoutandheldupaclubtillthetrainwentby，tosignifythateverythingwassafeahead。
Switcheswerechangedamileinadvancebypullingawireropethatpassedalongthegroundbytherailfromstationtostation。Signalsforthedayandsignalsforthenightgaveconstantandtimelynoticeofthepositionofswitches。
No，theyhavenorailroadaccidentstospeakofinFrance。Butwhy？
Becausewhenoneoccurs，somebodyhastohangforit！Nothang，maybe，butbepunishedatleastwithsuchvigorofemphasisastomakenegligenceathingtobeshudderedatbyrailroadofficialsformanyadaythereafter。\"Noblameattachedtotheofficers\"——thatlyinganddisaster—breedingverdictsocommontooursoftheartedjuriesisseldomrenderedinFrance。
Ifthetroubleoccurredintheconductor\'sdepartment，thatofficermustsufferifhissubordinatecannotbeprovenguilty;ifintheengineer\'sdepartmentandthecasebesimilar，theengineermustanswer。Footnote1
TheOldTravelers——thosedelightfulparrotswhohave\"beenherebefore\"
andknowmoreaboutthecountrythanLouisNapoleonknowsnoworeverwillknow——tellusthesethings，andwebelievethembecausetheyarepleasantthingstobelieveandbecausetheyareplausibleandsavoroftherigidsubjectiontolawandorderwhichwebeholdaboutuseverywhere。
ButwelovetheOldTravelers。Welovetohearthemprateanddrivelandlie。Wecantellthemthemomentweseethem。Theyalwaysthrowoutafewfeelers;theynevercastthemselvesadrifttilltheyhavesoundedeveryindividualandknowthathehasnottraveled。Thentheyopentheirthrottlevalves，andhowtheydobrag，andsneer，andswell，andsoar，andblasphemethesacrednameofTruth！Theircentralidea，theirgrandaim，istosubjugateyou，keepyoudown，makeyoufeelinsignificantandhumbleintheblazeoftheircosmopolitanglory！Theywillnotletyouknowanything。Theysneeratyourmostinoffensivesuggestions;theylaughunfeelinglyatyourtreasureddreamsofforeignlands;theybrandthestatementsofyourtraveledauntsandunclesasthestupidestabsurdities;theyderideyourmosttrustedauthorsanddemolishthefairimagestheyhavesetupforyourwillingworshipwiththepitilessferocityofthefanaticiconoclast！
ButstillIlovetheOldTravelers。Ilovethemfortheirwitlessplatitudes，fortheirsupernaturalabilitytobore，fortheirdelightfulasininevanity，fortheirluxuriantfertilityofimagination，fortheirstartling，theirbrilliant，theiroverwhelmingmendacity！