Thatnight，afterhehadkissedhissisters，hethoughtpropertoforgeteventoshakehandswithme，butlefttheroominsilence。I—who，thoughIhadnolove，hadmuchfriendshipforhim—washurtbythemarkedomission:somuchhurtthattearsstartedtomyeyes。
“IseeyouandSt。Johnhavebeenquarrelling，Jane，”saidDiana，“duringyourwalkonthemoor。Butgoafterhim;heisnowlingeringinthepassageexpectingyou—hewillmakeitup。”
Ihavenotmuchprideundersuchcircumstances:Iwouldalwaysratherbehappythandignified;andIranafterhim—hestoodatthefootofthestairs。
“Good—night，St。John，”saidI。
“Good—night，Jane，”herepliedcalmly。
“Thenshakehands，”Iadded。
Whatacold，loosetouch，heimpressedonmyfingers！Hewasdeeplydispleasedbywhathadoccurredthatday;cordialitywouldnotwarm，nortearsmovehim。Nohappyreconciliationwastobehadwithhim—nocheeringsmileorgenerousword:butstilltheChristianwaspatientandplacid;andwhenIaskedhimifheforgaveme，heansweredthathewasnotinthehabitofcherishingtheremembranceofvexation;thathehadnothingtoforgive，nothavingbeenoffended。
Andwiththatanswerheleftme。Iwouldmuchratherhehadknockedmedown。
Chapter35
HedidnotleaveforCambridgethenextday，ashehadsaidhewould。Hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek，andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern，aconscientiousyetimplacablemancaninflictononewhohasoffendedhim。Withoutoneovertactofhostility，oneupbraidingword，hecontrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththeconvictionthatIwasputbeyondthepaleofhisfavour。
NotthatSt。Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead，ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso。Bothbynatureandprinciple，hewassuperiortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadforgivenmeforsayingIscornedhimandhislove，buthehadnotforgottenthewords;andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldforgetthem。Isawbyhislook，whenheturnedtome，thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke，theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear，andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme。
Hedidnotabstainfromconversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmorningtojoinhimathisdesk;andIfearthecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto，andunsharedby，thepureChristian，inevincingwithwhatskillhecould，whileactingandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual，extractfromeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofinterestandapprovalwhichhadformerlycommunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmanner。Tome，hewasinrealitybecomenolongerflesh，butmarble;hiseyewasacold，bright，bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore。
Allthiswastorturetome—refined，lingeringtorture。Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief，whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether。Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife，thisgoodman，pureasthedeepsunlesssource，couldsoonkillme，withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood，orreceivingonhisowncrystalconsciencethefainteststainofcrime。EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim。Noruthmetmyruth。Heexperiencednosufferingfromestrangement—noyearningafterreconciliation;andthough，morethanonce，myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent，theyproducednomoreeffectonhimthanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal。Tohissisters，meantime，hewassomewhatkinderthanusual:asifafraidthatmerecoldnesswouldnotsufficientlyconvincemehowcompletelyIwasbanishedandbanned，headdedtheforceofcontrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbyforce，butonprinciple。
Thenightbeforehelefthome，happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsunset，andremembering，asIlookedathim，thatthisman，alienatedashenowwas，hadoncesavedmylife，andthatwewerenearrelations，Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttoregainhisfriendship。Iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleaningoverthelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce。
“St。John，Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme。Letusbefriends。”
“Ihopewearefriends，”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon，whichhehadbeencontemplatingasIapproached。
“No，St。John，wearenotfriendsaswewere。Youknowthat。”
“Arewenot？Thatiswrong。Formypart，Iwishyounoillandallgood。”
“Ibelieveyou，St。John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but，asIamyourkinswoman，Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffectionthanthatsortofgeneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers。”
“Ofcourse，”hesaid。“Yourwishisreasonable，andIamfarfromregardingyouasastranger。”
This，spokeninacool，tranquiltone，wasmortifyingandbafflingenough。HadIattendedtothesuggestionsofprideandire，Ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould。Ideeplyveneratedmycousin’stalentandprinciple。Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely。Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttoreconquerit。
“Mustwepartinthisway，St。John？AndwhenyougotoIndia，willyouleavemeso，withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken？”
Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme。
“WhenIgotoIndia，Jane，willIleaveyou！What！doyounotgotoIndia？”
“YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou。”
“Andyouwillnotmarryme！Youadheretothatresolution？”
Reader，doyouknow，asIdo，whatterrorthosecoldpeoplecanputintotheiceoftheirquestions？Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger？ofthebreakingupofthefrozenseaintheirdispleasure？
“No。St。John，Iwillnotmarryyou。Iadheretomyresolution。”
Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward，butitdidnotyetcrashdown。
“Oncemore，whythisrefusal？”heasked。
“Formerly，”Ianswered，“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now，Ireply，becauseyoualmosthateme。IfIweretomarryyou，youwouldkillme。Youarekillingmenow。”
Hislipsandcheeksturnedwhite—quitewhite。
“Ishouldkillyou—Iamkillingyou？Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent，unfeminine，anduntrue。Theybetrayanunfortunatestateofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable，butthatitisthedutyofmantoforgivehisfellowevenuntilseventy—and—seventimes。”
Ihadfinishedthebusinessnow。Whileearnestlywishingtoerasefromhismindthetraceofmyformeroffence，Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaceanotherandfardeeperimpression，Ihadburntitin。
“Nowyouwillindeedhateme，”Isaid。“Itisuselesstoattempttoconciliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaneternalenemyofyou。”
Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse，becausetheytouchedonthetruth。Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm。IknewthesteelyireIhadwhetted。Iwasheart—wrung。
“Youutterlymisinterpretmywords，”Isaid，atonceseizinghishand:“Ihavenointentiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed，Ihavenot。”
Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine。“Andnowyourecallyourpromise，andwillnotgotoIndiaatall，Ipresume？”saidhe，afteraconsiderablepause。
“Yes，Iwill，asyourassistant，”Ianswered。
Averylongsilencesucceeded。WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGraceinthisinterval，Icannottell:onlysingulargleamsscintillatedinhiseyes，andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface。Hespokeatlast。
“Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyourageproposingtoaccompanyabroadasinglemanofmine。Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas，Ishouldhavethought，wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan。Thatyouhavedoneso，Iregret—foryoursake。”
Iinterruptedhim。Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemecourageatonce。“Keeptocommonsense，St。John:youarevergingonnonsense。YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid。Youarenotreallyshocked:for，withyoursuperiormind，youcannotbeeithersodullorsoconceitedastomisunderstandmymeaning。Isayagain，Iwillbeyourcurate，ifyoulike，butneveryourwife。”
Againheturnedlividlypale;but，asbefore，controlledhispassionperfectly。Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly—
“Afemalecurate，whoisnotmywife，wouldneversuitme。Withme，then，itseems，youcannotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer，Iwill，whileintown，speaktoamarriedmissionary，whosewifeneedsacoadjutor。YourownfortunewillmakeyouindependentoftheSociety’said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseanddesertingthebandyouengagedtojoin。”
NowIneverhad，asthereaderknows，eithergivenanyformalpromiseorenteredintoanyengagement;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion。Ireplied—
“Thereisnodishonour，nobreachofpromise，nodesertioninthecase。IamnotundertheslightestobligationtogotoIndia，especiallywithstrangers。WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch，becauseIadmire，confidein，and，asasister，Iloveyou;butIamconvincedthat，gowhenandwithwhomIwould，Ishouldnotlivelonginthatclimate。”
“Ah！youareafraidofyourself，”hesaid，curlinghislip。
“Iam。Goddidnotgivememylifetothrowaway;andtodoasyouwishmewould，Ibegintothink，bealmostequivalenttocommittingsuicide。Moreover，beforeIdefinitivelyresolveonquittingEngland，IwillknowforcertainwhetherIcannotbeofgreaterusebyremaininginitthanbyleavingit。”
“Whatdoyoumean？”
“Itwouldbefruitlesstoattempttoexplain;butthereisapointonwhichIhavelongenduredpainfuldoubt，andIcangonowheretillbysomemeansthatdoubtisremoved。”
“Iknowwhereyourheartturnsandtowhatitclings。Theinterestyoucherishislawlessandunconsecrated。Longsinceyououghttohavecrushedit:nowyoushouldblushtoalludetoit。YouthinkofMr。Rochester？”
Itwastrue。Iconfesseditbysilence。
“AreyougoingtoseekMr。Rochester？”
“Imustfindoutwhatisbecomeofhim。”
“Itremainsforme，then，”hesaid，“torememberyouinmyprayers，andtoentreatGodforyou，inallearnestness，thatyoumaynotindeedbecomeacastaway。IhadthoughtIrecognisedinyouoneofthechosen。ButGodseesnotasmansees:Hiswillbedone—”
Heopenedthegate，passedthroughit，andstrayedawaydowntheglen。Hewassoonoutofsight。
Onre—enteringtheparlour，IfoundDianastandingatthewindow，lookingverythoughtful。DianawasagreatdealtallerthanI:sheputherhandonmyshoulder，and，stooping，examinedmyface。
“Jane，”shesaid，“youarealwaysagitatedandpalenow。Iamsurethereissomethingthematter。TellmewhatbusinessSt。Johnandyouhaveonhands。Ihavewatchedyouthishalfhourfromthewindow;youmustforgivemybeingsuchaspy，butforalongtimeIhavefanciedIhardlyknowwhat。St。Johnisastrangebeing—”
Shepaused—Ididnotspeak:soonsheresumed—
“Thatbrotherofminecherishespeculiarviewsofsomesortrespectingyou，Iamsure:hehaslongdistinguishedyoubyanoticeandinteresthenevershowedtoanyoneelse—towhatend？Iwishhelovedyou—doeshe，Jane？”
Iputhercoolhandtomyhotforehead;“No，Die，notonewhit。”
“Thenwhydoeshefollowyousowithhiseyes，andgetyousofrequentlyalonewithhim，andkeepyousocontinuallyathisside？MaryandIhadbothconcludedhewishedyoutomarryhim。”
“Hedoes—hehasaskedmetobehiswife。”
Dianaclappedherhands。“Thatisjustwhatwehopedandthought！Andyouwillmarryhim，Jane，won’tyou？AndthenhewillstayinEngland。”
“Farfromthat，Diana;hissoleideainproposingtomeistoprocureafittingfellow—labourerinhisIndiantoils。”
“What！HewishesyoutogotoIndia？”
“Yes。”
“Madness！”sheexclaimed。“Youwouldnotlivethreemonthsthere，Iamcertain。Younevershallgo:youhavenotconsented，haveyou，Jane？”
“Ihaverefusedtomarryhim—”
“Andhaveconsequentlydispleasedhim？”shesuggested。
“Deeply:hewillneverforgiveme，Ifear:yetIofferedtoaccompanyhimashissister。”
“Itwasfranticfollytodoso，Jane。Thinkofthetaskyouundertook—oneofincessantfatigue，wherefatiguekillseventhestrong，andyouareweak。St。John—youknowhim—wouldurgeyoutoimpossibilities:withhimtherewouldbenopermissiontorestduringthehothours;andunfortunately，Ihavenoticed，whateverheexacts，youforceyourselftoperform。Iamastonishedyoufoundcouragetorefusehishand。Youdonotlovehimthen，Jane？”
“Notasahusband。”
“Yetheisahandsomefellow。”
“AndIamsoplain，yousee，Die。Weshouldneversuit。”
“Plain！You？Notatall。Youaremuchtoopretty，aswellastoogood，tobegrilledaliveinCalcutta。”Andagainsheearnestlyconjuredmetogiveupallthoughtsofgoingoutwithherbrother。
“Imustindeed，”Isaid;“forwhenjustnowIrepeatedtheofferofservinghimforadeacon，heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecency。HeseemedtothinkIhadcommittedanimproprietyinproposingtoaccompanyhimunmarried:asifIhadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother，andhabituallyregardedhimassuch。”
“Whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou，Jane？”
“Youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject。Hehasagainandagainexplainedthatitisnothimself，buthisofficehewishestomate。HehastoldmeIamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue，nodoubt。But，inmyopinion，ifIamnotformedforlove，itfollowsthatIamnotformedformarriage。Woulditnotbestrange，Die，tobechainedforlifetoamanwhoregardedonebutasausefultool？”
“Insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion！”
“Andthen，”Icontinued，“thoughIhaveonlysisterlyaffectionforhimnow，yet，ifforcedtobehiswife，Icanimaginethepossibilityofconceivinganinevitable，strange，torturingkindofloveforhim，becauseheissotalented;andthereisoftenacertainheroicgrandeurinhislook，manner，andconversation。Inthatcase，mylotwouldbecomeunspeakablywretched。Hewouldnotwantmetolovehim;andifIshowedthefeeling，hewouldmakemesensiblethatitwasasuperfluity，unrequiredbyhim，unbecominginme。Iknowhewould。”
“AndyetSt。Johnisagoodman，”saidDiana。
“Heisagoodandagreatman;butheforgets，pitilessly，thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople，inpursuinghisownlargeviews。Itisbetter，therefore，fortheinsignificanttokeepoutofhisway，lest，inhisprogress，heshouldtramplethemdown。Herehecomes！Iwillleaveyou，Diana。”AndIhastenedupstairsasIsawhimenteringthegarden。
ButIwasforcedtomeethimagainatsupper。Duringthatmealheappearedjustascomposedasusual。Ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome，andIwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:thesequelshowedIwasmistakenonbothpoints。Headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner，orwhathad，oflate，beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite。NodoubthehadinvokedthehelpoftheHolySpirittosubduetheangerIhadrousedinhim，andnowbelievedhehadforgivenmeoncemore。
Fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers，heselectedthetwenty—firstchapterofRevelation。ItwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsoftheBible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbecomesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity，aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofGod:andto—nightthatvoicetookamoresolemntone—thatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle（theMaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow，andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthecandleonthetable）:ashesatthere，bendingoverthegreatoldBible，anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandthenewearth—toldhowGodwouldcometodwellwithmen，howHewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes，andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath，neithersorrownorcrying，noranymorepain，becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway。
Thesucceedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:especiallyasIfelt，bytheslight，indescribablealterationinsound，thatinutteringthem，hiseyehadturnedonme。
“Hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andIwillbehisGod，andheshallbemyson。But，”wasslowly，distinctlyread，“thefearful，theunbelieving，&c。，shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburnethwithfireandbrimstone，whichistheseconddeath。”
Henceforward，IknewwhatfateSt。Johnfearedforme。
Acalm，subduedtriumph，blentwithalongingearnestness，markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter。ThereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywrittenintheLamb’sbookoflife，andheyearnedafterthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshineinit，becausethegloryofGodlightensit，andtheLambisthelightthereof。
Intheprayerfollowingthechapter，allhisenergygathered—allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepearnest，wrestlingwithGod，andresolvedonaconquest。Hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak—hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturn，evenattheeleventhhour，forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath。Heasked，heurged，heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning。Earnestnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first，asIlistenedtothatprayer，Iwonderedathis;then，whenitcontinuedandrose，Iwastouchedbyit，andatlastawed。Hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:otherswhoheardhimpleadforit，couldnotbutfeelittoo。
Theprayerover，wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthemorning。DianaandMaryhavingkissedhim，lefttheroom—incompliance，Ithink，withawhisperedhintfromhim:Itenderedmyhand，andwishedhimapleasantjourney。
“Thankyou，Jane。AsIsaid，IshallreturnfromCambridgeinafortnight:thatspace，then，isyetleftyouforreflection。IfIlistenedtohumanpride，Ishouldsaynomoretoyouofmarriagewithme;butIlistentomyduty，andkeepsteadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstothegloryofGod。MyMasterwaslong—suffering:sowillIbe。Icannotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve，whilethereisyettime。Remember，wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warnedthat‘thenightcomethwhennomanshallwork。’RememberthefateofDives，whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife。Godgiveyoustrengthtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallnotbetakenfromyou！”
Helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords。Hehadspokenearnestly，mildly:hislookwasnot，indeed，thatofaloverbeholdinghismistress，butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter，ofaguardianangelwatchingthesoulforwhichheisresponsible。Allmenoftalent，whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots，oraspirants，ordespots—providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments，whentheysubdueandrule。IfeltvenerationforSt。John—venerationsostrongthatitsimpetusthrustmeatoncetothepointIhadsolongshunned。Iwastemptedtoceasestrugglingwithhim—torushdownthetorrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistence，andtherelosemyown。IwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasIhadbeenoncebefore，inadifferentway，byanother。Iwasafoolbothtimes。Tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment。SoIthinkatthishour，whenIlookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:Iwasunconsciousoffollyattheinstant。
Istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant’stouch。Myrefusalswereforgotten—myfearsovercome—mywrestlingsparalysed。TheImpossible—i。e。，mymarriagewithSt。John—wasfastbecomingthePossible。Allwaschangingutterlywithasuddensweep。Religioncalled—Angelsbeckoned—Godcommanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death’sgatesopening，showedeternitybeyond:itseemed，thatforsafetyandblissthere，allheremightbesacrificedinasecond。Thedimroomwasfullofvisions。
“Couldyoudecidenow？”askedthemissionary。Theinquirywasputingentletones:hedrewmetohimasgently。Oh，thatgentleness！howfarmorepotentisitthanforce！IcouldresistSt。John’swrath:Igrewpliantasareedunderhiskindness。YetIknewallthetime，ifIyieldednow，Ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent，someday，ofmyformerrebellion。Hisnaturewasnotchangedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated。
“IcoulddecideifIwerebutcertain，”Ianswered:“wereIbutconvincedthatitisGod’swillIshouldmarryyou，Icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—comeafterwardswhatwould！”
“MyIprayersareheard！”ejaculatedSt。John。Hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead，asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm，almostasifhelovedme（Isayalmost—Iknewthedifference—forIhadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but，likehim，Ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion，andthoughtonlyofduty）。Icontendedwithmyinwarddimnessofvision，beforewhichcloudsyetrolled。Isincerely，deeply，ferventlylongedtodowhatwasright;andonlythat。“Showme，showmethepath！”IentreatedofHeaven。IwasexcitedmorethanIhadeverbeen;andwhetherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge。
Allthehousewasstill;forIbelieveall，exceptSt。Johnandmyself，werenowretiredtorest。Theonecandlewasdyingout:theroomwasfullofmoonlight。Myheartbeatfastandthick:Ihearditsthrob。Suddenlyitstoodstilltoaninexpressiblefeelingthatthrilleditthrough，andpassedatoncetomyheadandextremities。Thefeelingwasnotlikeanelectricshock，butitwasquiteassharp，asstrange，asstartling:itactedonmysensesasiftheirutmostactivityhithertohadbeenbuttorpor，fromwhichtheywerenowsummonedandforcedtowake。Theyroseexpectant:eyeandearwaitedwhilethefleshquiveredonmybones。
“Whathaveyouheard？Whatdoyousee？”askedSt。John。Isawnothing，butIheardavoicesomewherecry—
“Jane！Jane！Jane！”—nothingmore。
“OGod！whatisit？”Igasped。
Imighthavesaid，“Whereisit？”foritdidnotseemintheroom—norinthehouse—norinthegarden;itdidnotcomeoutoftheair—norfromundertheearth—norfromoverhead。Ihadheardit—where，orwhence，foreverimpossibletoknow！Anditwasthevoiceofahumanbeing—aknown，loved，well—rememberedvoice—thatofEdwardFairfaxRochester;anditspokeinpainandwoe，wildly，eerily，urgently。
“Iamcoming！”Icried。“Waitforme！Oh，Iwillcome！”Iflewtothedoorandlookedintothepassage:itwasdark。Iranoutintothegarden:itwasvoid。
“Whereareyou？”Iexclaimed。
ThehillsbeyondMarshGlensenttheanswerfaintlyback—“Whereareyou？”Ilistened。Thewindsighedlowinthefirs:allwasmoorlandlonelinessandmidnighthush。
“Downsuperstition！”Icommented，asthatspectreroseupblackbytheblackyewatthegate。“Thisisnotthydeception，northywitchcraft:itistheworkofnature。Shewasroused，anddid—nomiracle—butherbest。”
IbrokefromSt。John，whohadfollowed，andwouldhavedetainedme。Itwasmytimetoassumeascendency。Mypowerswereinplayandinforce。Itoldhimtoforbearquestionorremark;Idesiredhimtoleaveme:Imustandwouldbealone。Heobeyedatonce。Wherethereisenergytocommandwellenough，obedienceneverfails。Imountedtomychamber;lockedmyselfin;fellonmyknees;andprayedinmyway—adifferentwaytoSt。John’s，buteffectiveinitsownfashion。IseemedtopenetrateverynearaMightySpirit;andmysoulrushedoutingratitudeatHisfeet。Irosefromthethanksgiving—tookaresolve—andlaydown，unscared，enlightened—eagerbutforthedaylight。
Chapter36
Thedaylightcame。Iroseatdawn。Ibusiedmyselfforanhourortwowitharrangingmythingsinmychamber，drawers，andwardrobe，intheorderwhereinIshouldwishtoleavethemduringabriefabsence。Meantime，IheardSt。Johnquithisroom。Hestoppedatmydoor:Ifearedhewouldknock—no，butaslipofpaperwaspassedunderthedoor。Itookitup。Itborethesewords—
“Youleftmetoosuddenlylastnight。Hadyoustayedbutalittlelonger，youwouldhavelaidyourhandontheChristian’scrossandtheangel’scrown。IshallexpectyourcleardecisionwhenIreturnthisdayfortnight。Meantime，watchandpraythatyouenternotintotemptation:thespirit，Itrust，iswilling，buttheflesh，Isee，isweak。Ishallprayforyouhourly。—Yours，ST。JOHN。”
“Myspirit，”Iansweredmentally，“iswillingtodowhatisright;andmyflesh，Ihope，isstrongenoughtoaccomplishthewillofHeaven，whenoncethatwillisdistinctlyknowntome。Atanyrate，itshallbestrongenoughtosearch—inquire—togropeanoutletfromthiscloudofdoubt，andfindtheopendayofcertainty。”
ItwasthefirstofJune;yetthemorningwasovercastandchilly:rainbeatfastonmycasement。Iheardthefront—dooropen，andSt。Johnpassout。Lookingthroughthewindow，Isawhimtraversethegarden。HetookthewayoverthemistymoorsinthedirectionofWhitcross—therehewouldmeetthecoach。
“InafewmorehoursIshallsucceedyouinthattrack，cousin，”thoughtI:“ItoohaveacoachtomeetatWhitcross。ItoohavesometoseeandaskafterinEngland，beforeIdepartforever。”
Itwantedyettwohoursofbreakfast—time。Ifilledtheintervalinwalkingsoftlyaboutmyroom，andponderingthevisitationwhichhadgivenmyplanstheirpresentbent。IrecalledthatinwardsensationIhadexperienced:forIcouldrecallit，withallitsunspeakablestrangeness。IrecalledthevoiceIhadheard;againIquestionedwhenceitcame，asvainlyasbefore:itseemedinme—notintheexternalworld。Iaskedwasitamerenervousimpression—adelusion？Icouldnotconceiveorbelieve:itwasmorelikeaninspiration。ThewondrousshockoffeelinghadcomeliketheearthquakewhichshookthefoundationsofPaulandSilas’sprison;ithadopenedthedoorsofthesoul’scellandlooseditsbands—ithadwakeneditoutofitssleep，whenceitsprangtrembling，listening，aghast;thenvibratedthriceacryonmystartledear，andinmyquakingheartandthroughmyspirit，whichneitherfearednorshook，butexultedasifinjoyoverthesuccessofoneeffortithadbeenprivilegedtomake，independentofthecumbrousbody。
“Eremanydays，”Isaid，asIterminatedmymusings，“Iwillknowsomethingofhimwhosevoiceseemedlastnighttosummonme。Lettershaveprovedofnoavail—personalinquiryshallreplacethem。”
AtbreakfastIannouncedtoDianaandMarythatIwasgoingajourney，andshouldbeabsentatleastfourdays。
“Alone，Jane？”theyasked。
“Yes;itwastoseeorhearnewsofafriendaboutwhomIhadforsometimebeenuneasy。”
Theymighthavesaid，asIhavenodoubttheythought，thattheyhadbelievedmetobewithoutanyfriendssavethem:for，indeed，Ihadoftensaidso;but，withtheirtruenaturaldelicacy，theyabstainedfromcomment，exceptthatDianaaskedmeifIwassureIwaswellenoughtotravel。Ilookedverypale，sheobserved。Ireplied，thatnothingailedmesaveanxietyofmind，whichIhopedsoontoalleviate。
Itwaseasytomakemyfurtherarrangements;forIwastroubledwithnoinquiries—nosurmises。HavingonceexplainedtothemthatIcouldnotnowbeexplicitaboutmyplans，theykindlyandwiselyacquiescedinthesilencewithwhichIpursuedthem，accordingtometheprivilegeoffreeactionIshouldundersimilarcircumstanceshaveaccordedthem。