\"HewasevidentlyafraidthatthegovernmentwouldwinthecoalroadssuitunlessIwasretained.\"
\"Morelaurels!\"shesighed.\"IsupposeIoughttobeproudtoknowyou.\"
\"That\'sexactlywhatI\'vebeentryingtoimpressonyoualltheseyears,\"
Ideclared.\"I\'velaidthelaurelsatyourfeet,invain.\"
Shesatwithherheadbackonthecushions,surveyingme.
\"Yourdressisverybecoming,\"Isaidirrelevantly.
\"Ihopeditwouldmeetyourapproval,\"shemocked.
\"I\'vebeentryingtoidentifytheshade.It\'selusive——likeyou.\"
\"Don\'tbebanalWhatisthecolour?\"
\"Poinsetta!\"
\"Prettynearly,\"sheagreed,critically.
Itookthesoftcrepebetweenmyfingers.
\"Poet!\"shesmiled.\"No,itisn\'tquitepoinsetta.It\'snearerthered-
orangeofatreeIrememberoneautumn,intheWhiteMountains,withthesettingsunonit.Butthatwasn\'twhatweweretalkingabout.Laurels!
Yourlaurels.\"
\"Mylaurels,\"Irepeated.\"Suchastheyare,Iflingthemintoyourlap.\"
\"Doyouthinktheyincreaseyourvaluetome,Hugh?\"
\"Idon\'tknow,\"Isaidthickly.
Sheshookherhead.
\"No,it\'syouIlike——notthelaurels.\"
\"Butifyoucareforme——?\"Ibegan.
Sheliftedupherhandsandfoldedthembehindtheknotofherhair.
\"It\'sextraordinaryhowlittleyouhavechangedsincewewerechildren,Hugh.Youarestillsixteenyearsold,that\'swhyIlikeyou.Ifyougottobethesultanofsultansyourself,Ishouldn\'tlikeyouanybetter,oranyworse.\"
\"Andyetyouhavejustdeclaredthatpowerappealstoyou!\"
\"Power——yes.Butawoman——awomanlikeme——wantstobefirst,ornothing.\"
\"Youarefirst,\"Iasserted.\"Youalwayshavebeen,ifyouhadonlyrealizedit.\"
Shegazedupatmedreamily.
\"Ifyouhadonlyrealizedit!IfyouhadonlyrealizedthatallIwantedofyouwastobeyourself.Itwasn\'twhatyouachieved.Ididn\'twantyoutobelikeRalphortheothers.\"
\"Myself?Whatareyoutryingtosay?\"
\"Yourself.Yes,thatiswhatIlikeaboutyou.Ifyouhadn\'tbeeninsuchahurry——ifyouhadn\'tmisjudgedmeso.Itwasthepowerinyou,thecraving,theidealinyouthatIcaredfor——notthefruitsofit.
Thefruitswouldhavecomenaturally.Butyouforcedthem,Hugh,forquickerresults.\"
\"Whatkindoffruits?\"Iasked.
\"Ah,\"sheexclaimed,\"howcanItellwhattheymighthavebeen!Youhavestrivenandstriven,youhavedoneextraordinarythings,buthavetheymadeyouanyhappier?haveyougotwhatyouwant?\"
Istoopeddownandseizedherwristsfrombehindherhead.
\"Iwantyou,Nancy,\"Isaid.\"Ihavealwayswantedyou.You\'remorewonderfulto-daythanyouhaveeverbeen.Icouldfindmyself——withyou.\"
Sheclosedhereyes.Adreamysmilewasonherface,andshelayunresisting,verystill.Inthattremendousmoment,forwhichitseemedIhadwaitedalifetime,Icouldhavetakenherinmyarms——andyetIdidnot.Icouldnottellwhy:perhapsitwasbecausesheseemedtohavepassedbeyondme——farbeyond——inrealization.Andshewassostill!
\"Wehavemissedtheway,Hugh,\"shewhispered,atlast.
\"Butwecanfinditagain,ifweseekittogether,\"Iurged.
\"Ah,ifIonlycould!\"shesaid.\"Icouldhaveonce.ButnowI\'mafraid——afraidofgettinglost.\"Slowlyshestraightenedup,herhandsfallingintoherlap.Iseizedthemagain,Iwasonmykneesinfrontofher,beforethefire,andshe,intent,lookingdownatme,intome,throughmeitseemed——atsomethingbeyondwhichyetwasme.
\"Hugh,\"sheasked,\"whatdoyoubelieve?Anything?\"
\"WhatdoIbelieve?\"
\"Yes.Idon\'tmeananycant,cut-and-driedmorality.Theworldisgettingbeyondthat.Buthaveyou,inyoursecretsoul,anyreligionatall?Doyoueverthinkaboutit?I\'mnotspeakingaboutanythingorthodox,butsomereligion——evenatinyspeckofit,agerm——harmonizingwithlife,withthatpowerwefeelinusweseektoexpressandcontinuallyviolate.\"
\"Nancy!\"Iexclaimed.
\"Answerme——answermetruthfully,\"shesaid
Iwassilent,mythoughtswhirlinglikedustatomsinastorm.
\"Youhavealwaystakenthings——takenwhatyouwanted.Buttheyhaven\'tsatisfiedyou,convincedyouthatthatisalloflife.\"
\"Doyoumean——thatweshouldrenounce?\"Ifaltered.
\"Idon\'tknowwhatImean.Iamasking,Hugh,asking.Haven\'tyouanyclew?Isn\'tthereanyvoiceinyou,anywhere,deepdown,thatcantellme?givemeahint?justalittleone?\"
Iwaswracked.Mypassionhadnotleftme,itseemedtobeheightened,andIpressedherhandsagainstherknees.Itwasincrediblethatmyhandsshouldbethere,inhers,feelingher.Herbeautyseemedasfresh,asun-wastedastheday,longsince,whenIdespairedofher.Andyetandyetagainstthetumultandbeatingofthispassionstrivingtothrobdownthought,thoughtstrove.ThoughIsawherasawoman,mysensesandmyspiritcommingledandswoonedtogether.
\"Thisislife,\"Imurmured,scarcelyknowingwhatIsaid.
\"Oh,mydear!\"shecried,andhervoicepiercedmewithpain,\"arewetobelost,overpowered,engulfed,sweptdownitsstream,tocomeupbelowdrifting——wreckage?Where,then,wouldbeyourpower?I\'mnotspeakingofmyself.Isn\'tlifemorethanthat?Isn\'titinus,too,——inyou?
Think,Hugh.Istherenogod,anywhere,butthisforcewefeel,restlesslycreatingonlytodestroy?Youmustanswer——youmustfindout.\"
Icannotdescribethepleadingpassioninhervoice,asthoughhellandheavenwerewrestlinginit.ThewomanIsaw,torturedyetuplifted,didnotseemtobeNancy,yetitwasthewomanIlovedmorethanlifeitselfandalwayshadloved.
\"Ican\'tthink,\"Ianswereddesperately,\"Icanonlyfeel——andIcan\'texpresswhatIfeel.It\'smixed,it\'sdim,andyetbrightandshining——
it\'syou.\"
\"No,it\'syou,\"shesaidvehemently.\"Yonmustinterpretit.\"Hervoicesank:\"CoulditbeGod?\"sheasked.
\"God!\"Iexclaimedsharply.
HerhandsfellawayfrommineThesilencewasbrokenonlybythecracklingofthewoodfireasalogturnedoverandfell.Neverbefore,inallourintercoursethatIcouldremember,hadshespokentomeaboutreligionWiththatapparentsnapincontinuityincomprehensibletothemasculinemind-herfemininemoodhadchanged.ElementsIhadneversuspected,inNancy,awe,evenahintofdespair,enteredintoit,andwhenmyhandfoundhersagain,theveryqualityofitsconvulsivepressureseemedtohavechanged.IknewthenthatitwashersoulIlovedmost;Ihadbeensweptallunwittinglytoitsveryaltar.
\"IbelieveitisGod,\"Isaid.Butshecontinuedtogazeatme,herlipsparted,hereyesquestioning.
\"Whyisit,\"shedemanded,\"thatafterallthesecenturiesofcertaintyweshouldhavetostartouttofindhimagain?Whyisitwhensomethinghappenslike——likethis,thatweshouldsuddenlybetornwithdoubtsabouthim,whenwehavelivedthebestpartofourliveswithoutsomuchasthinkingofhim?\"
\"Whyshouldyouhavequalms?\"Isaid.\"Isn\'tthisenough?anddoesn\'titpromise——all?\"
\"Idon\'tknow.They\'renotqualms——intheoldsense.\"Shesmileddownatmealittletearfully.\"Hugh,doyourememberwhenweusedtogotoSunday-schoolatDr.Pound\'schurch,andMrs.Ewantaughtus?Ireallybelievedsomethingthen——thatMosesbroughtdownthetencommandmentsofGodfromthemountain,allwrittenoutdefinitelyforeverandever.AndIusedtothinkofmarriage\"Ifeltasharptwinge,\"ofmarriageassomethingsacredandinviolable,——somethingordainedbyGodhimself.Itoughttobeso——oughtn\'tit?Thatistheideal.\"
\"Yes——butaren\'tyouconfusing——?\"Ibegan.
\"Iamconfusingandconfused.Ishouldn\'tbe——Ishouldn\'tcareifthereweren\'tsomethinginyou,inme,inour——friendship,_somethingIcan\'texplain,somethingthatshinesstillthroughthefogandthesmokeinwhichwehavelivedourlives——somethingwhich,Ithink,wesawcleareraschildren.Wehavelostitinourhastygroping.Oh,Hugh,Icouldn\'tbeartothinkthatweshouldneverfindit!thatitdoesn\'treallyexist!
BecauseIseemtofeelit.Butcanwefinditthisway,mydear?\"Herhandtightenedonmine.
\"Butiftheforcedrawingustogether,thathasalwaysdrawnustogether,isGod?\"Iobjected.
\"Iaskedyou,\"shesaid.\"Thetimemustcomewhenyoumustanswer,Hugh.
Itmaybetoolate,butyoumustanswer.\"
\"Ibelieveintakinglifeinmyownhands,\"Isaid.
\"Itoughttobelife,\"saidNancy.\"It——itmighthavebeenlifeItisonlywhenamoment,amomentlikethiscomesthatthequalityofwhatwehavelivedseemssotarnished,thattheatmospherewhichweourselveshavehelpedtomakeissosordid.WhenIthinkoftheintrigues,anddivorces,theself-indulgences,——whenIthinkofmyownmarriage——\"hervoicecaught.\"Howarewegoingtobetterit,Hugh,thisway?AmItogetthatpartofyouIlove,andareyoutogetwhatyoucraveinme?
Canwejustseizehappiness?Willitnoteludeusjustasmuchasthoughwebelievedfirmlyinthetencommandments?\"
\"No,\"Ideclaredobstinately.
Sheshookherhead.
\"WhatI\'mafraidofisthattheworldisn\'tmadethatway——foryou——forme.We\'repermittedtoseizethoseotherthingsbecausethey\'rejustbaubles,we\'vebothfoundouthowworthlesstheyare.Andtheworstofitisthey\'vemademeacoward,Hugh.Itisn\'tthatIcouldn\'tdowithoutthem,I\'vecometodependontheminanotherway.It\'sbecausetheygivemeacertainprotection,——doyousee?they\'vecometostandintheplaceoftherealconvictionswe\'velost.And——well,we\'vetakenthebaubles,canwereachoutourhandsandtake——this?Won\'twebepunishedforit,frightfullypunished?\"
\"Idon\'tcareifweare,\"Isaid,andsurprisedmyself.
\"ButIcare.It\'sweak,it\'scowardly,butit\'sso.AndyetIwanttofacethesituation——I\'mtryingtogetyoutofaceit,torealizehowterribleitis.\"
\"IonlyknowthatIwantyouaboveeverythingelseintheworld——I\'lltakecareofyou——\"
Iseizedherarms,Idrewherdowntome.
\"Don\'t!\"shecried.\"Oh,don\'t!\"andstruggledtoherfeetandstoodbeforemepanting.\"Youmustgoawaynow——please,Hugh.Ican\'tbearanymore——Iwanttothink.\"
Ireleasedher.Shesankintothechairandhidherfaceinherhands
Asmaybeimagined,theincidentIhavejustrelatedthrewmylifeintoatanglethatwouldhaveflooredalesspersistentoptimistandromanticistthanmyself,yetIbecamefairlyaccustomedtotreadingwhattheoldmoralistscalledthedeviouspathsofsin.InmypassionIhadnothesitatedtolaydownthedoctrinethatthecourageousandthestrongtookwhattheywanted,——adoctrineofwhichIhadbeenaconsistentdiscipleintheprofessionalandbusinessrealm.Alogicalbuccaneer,superman,\"masteroflife\"wouldpromptlyhaveextendedthisdoctrinetotherealmofsex.Nancywasthemateforme,andNancyandI,ourdevelopment,wasallthatmattered,especiallymydevelopment.Leteverymanandwomanlookoutforhisorherdevelopment,andintheendthemajorityofpeoplewouldbehappy.ThiswasgoingAdamSmithonebetter.
Whenitcametoputtingthattheoryintopractice,however,oneneededconvictions:Nancyhadbeenrightwhenshehadimpliedthatconvictionswerepreciselywhatwelacked;whatourworldingenerallacked.Wehaddesires,yesconvictions,no.Whatwewantedwegotnotbydefyingtheworld,butbyconformingtoit:wewerereadytodefyonlywhenourdesiresovercametheresistanceofoursynapses,andeventhennotuntilweshouldhaveexhaustedeverylegalandconventionalmeans.
Asupermanwithawifeandfamilyhehadacquiredbeforeagreatpassionhasmadehimasupermanisinratherapredicament,especiallyifhebeonewhohasachievedsuchsuperhumanityashepossessesnotbychallenginglawsandconventions,butbygettingaroundthem.Mywifeandfamilylovedme;andparadoxicallyIstillhadaffectionforthem,orthoughtIhad.Butthesupermancreedis,\"beyourself,realizeyourself,nomatterhowcruelyoumayhavetobeinordertodoso.\"OnetroublewithmewasthatremnantsoftheChristianelementofpitystillclungtome.IwouldbecruelifIhadto,butIhopedIshouldn\'thaveto:somethingwouldturnup,somethinginthenatureofaninterveningmiraclethatwouldmakeiteasyforme.PerhapsMaudewouldtaketheinitiativeandrelievemeNancyhadappealedforajustifyingdoctrine,anditwasjustwhatIdidn\'thaveandcouldn\'tevolve.InthemeanwhileitwasquiteincharacterthatIshouldaccommodatemyselftoasituationthatmightwellbecalledanomalous.
This\"accommodation\"wasnotunaccompaniedbyfever.MylongingtorealizemyloveforNancykeptmeinaconstantstateoftension——of\"nerves\";forourrelationshiphadmerelygoneonestepfarther,wehadreachedapointwhereweacknowledgedthatwelovedeachother,andparadoxicallyhaltedthere;Nancyclungtoherdemandfornewsanctionswithatenacitythatamazedandpuzzledandoftenirritatedme.Andyet,whenIlookbackuponitall,Icanseethatsomeofthedifficultylaywithme:ifshehadherweakness——whichsheacknowledged——Ihadmine——andkeptittomyself.Itwaspartofmyromanticnaturenottowanttobreakherdown.PerhapsIlovedtheidealbetterthanthewomanherself,thoughthatscarcelyseemspossible.
Wesaweachotherconstantly.Andthoughwehadinstinctivelybeguntobecareful,Iimaginetherewassometalkamongouracquaintances.Itistobenotedthatthegossipneverbecameriotous,forwehadalwaysbeenfriends,andNancyhadasavingreputationforcoldness.ItseemedincrediblethatMaudehadnotdiscoveredmysecret,butifsheknewofit,shegavenosignofherknowledge.Often,asIlookedather,I
wishedshewould.Icanthinkofnomoreexpressivesentenceinregardtoherthanthetriteonethatshepursuedtheeventenorofherway;andIfoundtheveryperfectionofherwifehoodexasperating.Ourrelationshipwould,Ithought,havebeenmoreendurableifwehadquarrelled.Andyetwehadgrownasfarapart,inthatbighouse,asthoughwehadbeenseparatedbyacontinent;Ilivedinmyapartments,sheinhers;sheconsultedmeaboutdinnerpartiesandinvitations;for,sincewehadmovedtoGrantAvenue,weentertainedandwentoutmorethanbefore.Itseemedasthoughsheweremakingeveryeffortconsistentwithherintegrityandself-respecttopleaseme.Outwardlysheconformedtothemould;butIhadlongbeenawarethatinwardlyapersonhaddeveloped.Ithadnotbeenaspontaneousdevelopment,butoneinresistancetopressure;andwasprobablyallthestrongerforthatreason.Attimesherwillrevealeditselfinastonishingandunexpectedflashes,aswhenoncesheannouncedthatshewasgoingtochangeMatthew\'sschool.
\"He\'soldenoughtogotoboarding-school,\"Isaid.\"I\'lllookupaplaceforhim.\"
\"Idon\'twishhimtogotoboarding-schoolyet,Hugh,\"shesaidquietly.
\"Butthat\'sjustwhatheneeds,\"Iobjected.\"Heoughttohavetherubbing-upagainstotherboysthatboarding-schoolwillgivehim.
Matthewistimid,heshouldhavelearnedtotakecareofhimself.Andhewillmakefriendshipsthatwillhelphiminalargerschool.\"
\"Idon\'tintendtosendhim,\"Maudesaid.
\"ButifIthinkitwise?\"
\"Yououghttohavebeguntoconsidersuchthingsmanyyearsago.Youhavealwaysbeentoo——busytothinkofthechildren.Youhaveleftthemtome.IamdoingthebestIcanwiththem.\"
\"Butamanshouldhavesomethingtosayaboutboys.Heunderstandsthem.\"
\"Youshouldhavethoughtofthatbefore.\"
\"Theyhaven\'tbeenoldenough.\"
\"Ifyouhadtakenyourshareofresponsibilityforthem,Iwouldlistentoyou.\"
\"Maude!\"Iexclaimedreproachfully.
\"No,Hugh,\"shewenton,\"youhavebeentoobusymakingmoney.Youhaveleftthemtome.Itismytasktoseethatthemoneytheyaretoinheritdoesn\'truinthem.\"
\"Youtalkasthoughitwereagreatfortune,\"Isaid.
ButIdidnotpressthematter.Ihadapresentimentthattopressitmightleadtounpleasantresults.
Itwasthissenseofnotbeingfree,ofhavinggainedeverythingbutfreedomthatwasattimesgallingintheextreme:thissenseoflivingwithawomanforwhomIhadlongceasedtocare,awomanwithabafflingwillconcealedbeneathanunruffledandsereneexterior.AtmomentsI
lookedatheracrossthetable;shedidnotseemtohaveagedmuch:hercomplexionwasasfresh,apparently,asthedaywhenIhadfirstwalkedwithherinthegardenatElkington;herhairthesamewonderfulcolour;
perhapsshehadgrownalittlestouter.Therecouldbenodoubtaboutthefactthatherchinwasfirmer,thatcertainlineshadcomeintoherfaceindicativeofwhatiscalledcharacter.Beneathherpliabilityshewasnowallfirmness;thepliabilityhadbecomeamockery.ItcannotbesaidthatIwentsofarastohateherforthis,——whenitwasinmymind,——butmyfeelingswereofastrongantipathy.AndthenagaintherewereraremomentswhenIwasinexplicablydrawntoher,notbyloveandpassion;Imeltedalittleinpity,perhaps,whenmyeyeswereopenedandIsawthetragedy,yetIamnotreferringnowtosuchfeelingsasthese.