\"Whyinthenameofallthesages,\"hewoulddemand,\"couldn\'tyouhavedonethiswellatschool?Youmighthaveledyourclass,insteadofRalphHambleton.\"
IgrewveryfondofMr.Wood,andevenofhisthinlittlewife,whooccasionallyflittedintotheroomafterwehadfinished.Ifullyintendedtokeepupwiththeminafterlife,butIneverdid.Iforgotthemcompletely
Myparentswerenotwhollyeasyintheirmindsconcerningme;theywerebewilderedbythenewaspectIpresented.Formylatelyacquiredmotivewasstrongenoughtocompelmetorestrictmyselfsocially,andtheeveningsIspentathomeweregiventostudy,usuallyinmyownroom.
OnceIwascaughtwithaLatingrammar:Iwasjust\"lookingoverit,\"I
said.Mymothersighed.Iknewwhatwasinhermind;shehadalwaysbeensecretlydisappointedthatIhadnotbeensenttocollege.Andpresently,whenmyfatherwentouttoattendatrustee\'smeeting,theimpulsetoconfideinheralmostovercameme;Ilovedherwiththataffectionwhichgoesouttothosewhomwefeelunderstandus,butIwaslearningtorestrainmyfeelings.ShelookedatmewistfullyIknewthatshewouldinsistontellingmyfather,andthuspossiblyfrustratemyplans.ThatIwasnotdiscoveredwasduetoacertainquixotictwistinmyfather\'scharacter.Iwasworkingnow,andthoughnotactuallyearningmyownliving,henolongerfeltjustifiedinpryingintomyaffairs.
WhenJunearrived,however,mytutorbegantoshowsignsthathisconsciencewastroublinghim,andonenighthedeliveredhisultimatum.
Thejokehadgonefarenough,heimplied.Myintentions,indeed,hefoundpraiseworthy,butinhisopinionitwashightimethatmyfatherwereinformedofthem;hewasdeterminedtocallatmyfather\'soffice.
Thenextmorningwasbluewiththepresageofshowers;blue,too,withthepresageoffate.Aninterminablemorning.Mytaskshadbecomeutterlydistasteful.Andintheafternoon,sowhenIsatdowntomakeoutinvoices,Iwroteautomaticallythenamesofthefamiliarcustomers,mymindnowexaltedbyhope,nowdepressedbyanxiety.TheresultofaninterviewperhapsevennowgoingonwoulddeterminewhetherornoI
shouldbeimmediatelyreleasedfromaslaveryIdetested.WouldMr.Woodpersuademyfather?Ifnot,Iwaspreparedtotakemoredesperatemeasures;remaininthegrocerybusinessIwouldnot.Intheevening,asIhurriedhomewardfromthecornerwheretheBoyneStreetcarhaddroppedme,IhaltedsuddenlyinfrontofthePetershouse,absorbingthescenewheremychildhoodhadbeenspent:eachofthesespreadingmapleswasanoldfriend,andintheseyardsIhadplayedanddreamed.AnunaccountablesadnesspassedovermeasIwalkedontowardourgate;I
enteredit,gainedthedoorwayofthehouseandwentupstairs,glancingintothesittingroom.Mymothersatbythewindow,sewing.Shelookedupatmewithanineffableexpression,inwhichIreadatraceoftears.
\"Hugh!\"sheexclaimed.
Ifeltveryuncomfortable,andstoodlookingdownather.
\"Whydidn\'tyoutellus,myson?\"Inhervoicewasintruthreproach;
yetmingledwiththatwasanothernote,whichIthinkwaspride.
\"Whathasfathersaid?\"Iasked.
\"Oh,mydear,hewilltellyouhimself.I——Idon\'tknow——hewilltalktoyou.\"
Suddenlysheseizedmyhandsanddrewmedowntoher,andthenheldmeaway,gazingintomyfacewithapassionatequestioning,herlipssmiling,hereyeswet.Whatdidshesee?WasthereasubtlerrelationshipbetweenournaturesthanIguessed?Didsheunderstandbysomeinstinctivepowertheriddlewithinme?divinethroughlovetheforcethatwasdrivingmeonsheknewnotwhither,norI?Atthesoundofmyfather\'sstepinthehallshereleasedme.Hecameinasthoughnothinghadhappened.
\"Well,Hugh,areyouhome?\"hesaid
NeverhadIbeenmoreimpressed,morebewilderedbyhisself-commandthanatthattime.Saveforthefactthatmymothertalkedlessthanusual,supperpassedasthoughnothinghadhappened.WhetherIhadshakenhim,disappointedhim,orgainedhisreluctantapprovalIcouldnottell.
Graduallyhisoutwardcalmnessturnedmysuspensetoirritation
Butwhenatlengthwewerealonetogether,Igainedacertainreassurance.Hismannerwasnotsevere.Hehesitatedalittlebeforebeginning.
\"Imustconfess,Hugh;thatIscarcelyknowwhattosayaboutthisproceedingofyours.Thethingthatstrikesmemostforciblyisthatyoumighthaveconfidedinyourmotherandmyself.\"
Hopeflashedupwithinme,likeanexplosion.
\"I——Iwantedtosurpriseyou,father.Andthen,yousee,IthoughtitwouldbewisertofindoutfirsthowwellIwaslikelytodoattheexaminations.\"
Myfatherlookedatme.Unfortunatelyhepossessedneitherasenseofhumournorasenseoftragedysufficienttomeetsuchasituation.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIbeheldhimatadisadvantage;forIhad,somehow,managedatlengthtoforcehimoutofposition,andhewaspuzzled.Iwasquicktoplaymytrumpcard.
\"Ihavebeenthinkingitovercarefully,\"Itoldhim,\"andIhavemadeupmymindthatIwanttogointothelaw.\"
\"Thelaw!\"heexclaimedsharply.
\"Why,yes,sir.IknowthatyouweredisappointedbecauseIdidnotdosufficientlywellatschooltogotocollegeandstudyforthebar.\"
Ifeltindeedamomentarypang,butIrememberedthatIwasfightingformyfreedom.
\"Youseemedsatisfiedwhereyouwere,\"hesaidinapuzzledvoice,\"andyourCousinRobertgivesagoodaccountofyou.\"
\"I\'vetriedtodotheworkaswellasIcould,sir,\"Ireplied.\"ButI
don\'tlikethegrocerybusiness,oranyotherbusiness.IhaveafeelingthatI\'mnotmadeforit.\"
\"Andyouthink,now,thatyouaremadeforthelaw?\"heasked,withthefainthintofasmile.
\"Yes,sir,IbelieveIcouldsucceedatit.I\'dliketotry,\"Irepliedmodestly.
\"You\'vegivenuptheidioticnotionofwishingtobeanauthor?\"
Iimpliedthathehimselfhadconvincedmeofthefutilityofsuchawish.Ilistenedtohisnextwordsasinadream.
\"Imustconfesstoyou,Hugh,thattherearetimeswhenIfailtounderstandyou.Ihopeitisasyousay,thatyouhavearrivedatasettledconvictionastoyourfuture,andthatthisisnotanotherofthosecapricestowhichyouhavebeensubject,noradesiretoshirkhonestwork.Mr.Woodhasmadeoutastrongcaseforyou,andIhavethereforedeterminedtogiveyouatrial.Ifyoupasstheexaminationswithcredit,youmaygotocollege,butifatanytimeyoufailtomakegoodprogress,youcomehome,andgointobusinessagain.Isthatthoroughlyunderstood?\"
Isaiditwas,andthankedhimeffusivelyIhadescaped,——theprisondoorshadflownopen.Butitiswrittenthateveryhappinesshasitssting;andmyjoy,intensethoughitwas,hadinitacoreofremorse
Iwentdownstairstomymother,whowassittinginthehallbytheopendoor.
\"FathersaysImaygo!\"Isaid.
Shegotupandtookmeinherarms.
\"Mydear,Iamsoglad,althoughweshallmissyoudreadfullyHugh?\"
\"Yes,mother.\"
\"Oh,Hugh,Isowantyoutobeagoodman!\"
Hercrywasalittleincoherent,butfraughtwithameaningthatcamehometome,inspiteofmyself
AwhilelaterIranovertoannouncetotheamazedTomPetersthatIwasactuallygoingtoHarvardwithhim.Hestoodinthehalf-lightedhallway,hishandsinhispockets,blinkingatme.
\"Hugh,you\'reawonder!\"hecried.\"HowinJehoshaphatdidyouworkit?\"
Ilaylongawakethatnightthinkingoverthemomentouschangesosoontocomeintomylife,wonderingexultantlywhatNancyWillettwouldsaynow.
Iwasnotone,atanyrate,tobedespisedorneglected.
VI.
ThefollowingSeptemberTomPetersandIwentEasttogether.IntheearlymorningBostonbrokeonuslikeaMeccaaswerolledoutoftheoldAlbanystation,jointlordsofa\"herdic.\"Howsharplythesmellofthesalt-ladeneastwindanditspenetratingcoolnesscomebacktome!I
seekinvainforwordstoexpresstheexhilaratingeffectofthatbrinycoolnessonmyimagination,andofthevisionsitsummonedupofthenewer,largerlifeintowhichIhadmarvellouslybeentransported.WealightedattheParkerHouse,full-fledgedmenoftheworld,andtriedtoactasthoughthebreakfastofwhichwepartookweremerelyanincident,notanEvent;asthoughwewereSeniors,andnotfreshmen,assuminganindifferencetothebeingsbywhomweweresurroundedandwhowerebreakfasting,too,——althoughthenice-lookingoneswithfreshfacesandtrimclotheswereallundoubtedlyOlympians.Thebettertoproclaimournonchalance,weseatedourselvesonaloungeofthemarble-pavedlobbyandsmokedcigarettes.Thiswaslibertyindeed!AtlengthwedepartedforCambridge,inanotherherdic.
Boston!Coulditbepossible?Everythingwassodifferenthereastogivetheplacetheaspectofadream:theBulfinchStateHouse,thedecorousshops,thestillmoredecorousdwellingswiththepurple-panedwindowsfacingtheCommon;BackBay,stillboardedup,ivy-spread,suggestiveofamysteriousanddelectableexistence.WecrossedtheCharlesRiver,blue-greyandstillthatmorning;traversedanondescriptdistrict,andatlastfoundourselvesgazingoutofthewindowsatthemellowed,plum-colouredbricksoftheUniversitybuildingsAllatonceourexhilarationevaporatedastheherdicrumbledintoasidestreetandbackedupbeforethedoorofanot-too-inviting,three-storiedhousewithaqueerextensionontop.Itsstepsandvestibulewere,however,immaculate.Thebellwasansweredbyaplainlyoverworkedservantgirl,ofwhomweinquiredforMrs.Bolton,ourlandlady.Therefollowedaperiodofwaitinginaparlourfromwhichthelighthadbeenalmostwhollybanished,withslipperyhorsehairfurnitureandamarble-toppedtable;andMrs.Bolton,whensheappeared,dressedinrustyblack,harmonizedperfectlywiththefunerealgloom.Shewasatall,rawboned,severeladywithapeculiarred-mottledcomplexionthatsomehowremindedoneoftheoutcroppingrocksofhernativeNewEnglandsoil.
\"Youwanttoseeyourrooms,Isuppose,\"sheremarkedimpassivelywhenwehadintroducedourselves,andaswemountedthestairsbehindherTom,inawhisper,nicknamedher\"GraniteFace.\"Presentlysheleftus.
\"Hospitablesoul!\"saidTom,who,withhishandsinhispockets,wasgazingatthebarewallsofoursitting-room.\"We\'llhavetogointothehouse-furnishingbusiness,Hughie.Ivotewedon\'tlingerhereto-day——
we\'llgetmelancholia.\"
Outside,however,thesunwasshiningbrightly,andwedepartedimmediatelytoexploreCambridgeandannounceourimportantpresencestotheproperauthoritiesWewentintoBostontodineItwasnotuntilnineo\'clockintheeveningthatwereturnedandthebottomsuddenlydroppedoutofthings.Hewhohastastedthatfirst,acutehomesicknessofcollegewillknowwhatImean.Itusuallycomesattheopeningofone\'strunk.ThesightofthetoptraygavemeapangIshallneverforget.IwouldnothavebelievedthatIlovedmymothersomuch!
Thesearticleshadbeenpackedbyherhands;andinonecorner,amongtheunderclothesonwhichshehadneatlysewedmyinitials,laythenewBibleshehadbought.\"HughMoretonParet,fromhisMother.September,1881.\"
ItookitupTomwasnotlookingandtriedtoreadapassage,butmyeyeswereblurred.WhatwasitwithinmethatpressedandpresseduntilIthoughtIcouldbearthepainofitnolonger?Ipicturedthesitting-
roomathome,andmyfatherandmotherthere,thinkingofme.Yes,I
mustacknowledgeit;inthebitternessofthatmomentIlongedtobebackoncemoreintherailed-offspaceonthefloorofBreckandCompany,writinginvoices
Presently,aswewentonsilentlywithourunpacking,webecameawareofsomeoneinthedoorway.
\"Hello,youfellows!\"hecried.\"We\'reclassmates,Iguess.\"
Weturnedtobeholdanungainlyyoungmaninanill-fittingbluesuit.
Hisfacewaspimply,hiseyesaTeutonicblue,hisyellowhairrumpled,hisnaturallylargemouthwasmadelargerbyafriendlygrin.
\"I\'mHermannKrebs,\"heannouncedsimply.\"Whoareyou?\"
Wereplied,Iregrettosay,withadistinctcoolnessthatdidnotseemtobotherhimintheleast.Headvancedintotheroom,holdingoutalarge,red,andserviceablehand,evidentlyithadneverdawnedonhimthattherewassuchathingintheworldassnobbery.ButTomandIhadbeen\"coached\"byRalphHambletonandPerryBlackwood,warnedtobecarefulofourfriendships.TherewasaReason!InanycaseMr.Krebswouldnothaveappealedtous.Inanswertoasecondquestionhewasinformedwhatcitywehailedfrom,andheproclaimedhimselflikewiseanativeofourstate.
\"Why,I\'mfromElkington!\"heexclaimed,asthoughthefactsealedourfuturerelationships.HeseatedhimselfonTom\'strunkandadded:
\"WelcometooldHarvard!\"
Wefeltthathewasscarcelyqualifiedtospeakfor\"oldHarvard,\"butwedidnotsayso.
\"Youlookasifyou\'dbeenpall-bearersforsomebody,\"washisnextobservation.
Tothisthereseemednopossiblereply.
\"Youfellowsareprettywellfixedhere,\"hewenton,undismayed,gazingaboutaroomwhichhadseemedtoustheabominationofdesolation.\"Yourfolksmustberich.I\'mupundertheskylight.\"
Eventhisfailedtotouchus.Hisfather——hetolduswithundiminishedcandour——hadbeenaGermanemigrantwhohadcomeoverin\'49,afterthecauseoflibertyhadbeenlostintheoldcountry,andmadeeye-glassesandoperaglasses.Therehadn\'tbeenafortuneinit.He,Hermann,hadworkedatvariousoccupationsinthesummertime,frompeddlingtofarming,untilhehadsavedenoughtostarthimatHarvard.Tom,whohadbeenbendingoverhisbureaudrawer,straightenedup.
\"Whatdidyouwanttocomeherefor?\"hedemanded.
\"Say,whatdidyou?\"Mr.Krebsretortedgenially.\"Togetaneducation,ofcourse.\"
\"Aneducation!\"echoedTom.
\"Isn\'tHarvardtheoldestandbestseatoflearninginAmerica,?\"TherewasanexaltationinKrebs\'svoicethatarrestedmyattention,andmademelookathimagain.Atroubledchordhadbeenstruckwithinme.
\"Sure,\"saidTom.
\"Whatdidyoucomefor?\"Mr.Krebspersisted.
\"Tosowmywildoats,\"saidTom.\"Iexpecttohavesomethingofacrop,too.\"
ForsomereasonIcouldnotfathom,itsuddenlyseemedtodawnonMr.
Krebs,asaresultofthisstatement,thathewasn\'twanted.
\"Well,solong,\"hesaid,withanewdignitythatcuriouslybeliedtheinformalityofhisfarewell.
Anintervalofsilencefollowedhisdeparture.
\"Well,he\'sgotacrust!\"saidTom,atlast.
MyownfeelingaboutMr.Krebshadbecomemorecomplicated;butItookmycuefromTom,whodealtwithsituationssimply.
\"He\'llcomeinforafewknockouts,\"hedeclared.\"Here\'stooldHarvard,thegreatestinstitutionoflearninginAmerica!Oh,gee!\"
Ourvisitor,atleast,madeustemporarilyforgetourhomesickness,butitreturnedwithredoubledintensitywhenwehadputoutthelightsandgonetobed.
BeforewehadlefthomeithadbeenmildlyhintedtousbyRalphandPerryBlackwoodthatscholarlyeminencewasnotabsolutelynecessarytoone\'swelfareandhappinessatCambridge.Thehinthadbeensomewhatsuperfluous;butthequestionremained,whatwasnecessary?Withaviewofgettingsomelightonthisdelicatesubjectwepaidavisitthenexteveningtoourformerfriendsandschoolmates,whoseadvicewasconveyedwithamasterlycircumlocutionthatimpressedusboth.Therearesomethingsthatmaynotbediscusseddirectly,andtheconductoflifeatamodernuniversity——whichisareflectionoflifeinthegreaterworld——isoneofthese.PerryBlackwoodandHamdidmostofthetalking,whileRalph,characteristically,layatfulllengthonthewindow-seat,interruptingwithanoccasionalterseandcynicalremarkverymuchtothepoint.Asasophomore,heinparticularseemedliftedimmeasurablyaboveus,forhewas——asmighthavebeenexpectedalreadyamarkedmaninhisclass.TheroomswhichhesharedwithhiscousinmadeatremendousimpressiononTomandme,andseemedpalatialincomparisontoourquartersatMrs.Bolton\'s,eloquentofthefreedomandluxuryofundergraduateexistence;theirnote,perhaps,wasstruckbytheprofusionofgaysofapillows,thensomethingofaninnovation.Theheavy,expensivefurniturewasofapatternnewtome;andonthemantelwerethreeorfourphotographsofladiesinthealluringcostumeofthemusicalstage,inwhichTomevincedaparticularinterest.
\"Didgrandfathersend\'em?\"heinquired.
\"They\'reHam\'s,\"saidRalph,andhecontrivedsomehowtogetintothosetwowordsanepitomeofhiscousin\'scharacter.Hamwasstouter,andhisclothesweremorestriking,moreobviouslyexpensivethaneverOnourwayhomeward,afterwehadwalkedablockortwoinsilence,Tomexclaimed:——
\"Don\'tmakefriendswiththefriendless!——eh,Hughie?Weknewenoughtobeginallright,didn\'twe?\"
HaveImadeusoutapairofdeliberate,calculatingsnobs?Well,afterallitmustberememberedthatourbringinguphadnotbeenofsufficientliberalitytoincludetheKrebsesofthisworld.Wedidnot,indeed,spendmuchtimeinchoosingandweighingthosewhomweshouldknowandthosewhomweshouldavoid;andbeforethefirsttermofthatFreshmanyearwasoverTomhadbecomeafavourite.Hehadthegiftofmakingmenfeelthathedelightedintheirsociety,thathewishedfornothingbetterthantositforhoursintheircompany,contenttolistentotheargumentsthatragedabouthim.Onceinawhilehewouldmakeadrollobservationthatwasgreetedwithfitsoflaughter.Hewasalwaysreferredtoas\"oldTom,\"or\"goodoldTom\";presently,whenhebegantopickoutchordsonthebanjo,itwasdiscoveredthathehadagoodtenorvoice,thoughhecouldnotalwaysbeinducedtosingSomewhattothejeopardyoftheacademicstandardthatmyfatherexpectedmetosustain,ourroomsbecamearendezvousformanyclubablesoulswhosemaudlin,midnightattemptsatharmonyoftensetthecockscrowing.
\"Freefromcareanddespair,Whatcarewe?
\'Tiswine,\'tiswineThatmakesthejollity.\"
Asamatteroftruth,ontheseoccasionsitwasmoreoftenbeer;beertransportedthitherinTom\'snewvalise,——givenhimbyhismother,——andstuffedwithsnowtokeepthebottlescold.SometimesGraniteFace,adornedinasky-bluewrapper,wouldsuddenlyappearinthedoorwaytodeclarethatwewereadisgracetoherrespectablehouse:theuniversityauthoritiesshouldbeinformed,etc.,etc.Poorwoman,wewereoutrageouslyinconsiderateofherOneeveningaswecamethroughthehallwecaughtaglimpseinthedimlylightedparlourofayoungmanholdingashyandpalelittlegirlonhislap,Annie,Mrs.Bolton\'sdaughter:onthefaceofourlandladywasanexpressionIhadneverseenthere,likealight.Ishouldscarcelyhaveknownher.TomandIpausedatthefootofthestairs.Heclutchedmyarm.
\"Darnedifitwasn\'tourfriendKrebs!\"hewhispered.
WhileIwasbynomeanssopopularasTom,Igotalongfairlywell.I
hadescapedfromprovincialism,fromtheobscurepurgatoryofthewholesalegrocerybusiness;newvistas,excitingandstimulating,hadbeenopenedup;nordidIoffendthesensibilitiesandprejudicesofthenewfriendsImade,butgaveaheartyconsenttoacodeIfoundcongenial.IrecognizedinthesocialsystemofundergraduatelifeatHarvardareflectionofthatofagreaterworldwhereIhopedsomedaytoshine;yetmyambitiondidnotpreyuponme.Mereconformity,however,wouldnothavetakenmeveryfarinaspherefromwhichI,incommonwithmanyothers,desirednottobeexcludedOneday,inanidlebutinspiredmoment,Iparaphrasedasongfrom\"Pinafore,\"applyingittoacollegeembroglio,andthebriefandlivelyvogueitenjoyedwassufficienttoindicateafutureusefulness.Ihad\"foundmyself.\"Thiswasinthelastpartofthefreshmanyear,andlateronIbecameasortofamateur,classpoet-laureate.ManyweretheskitsIcomposed,andTomsangthem
DuringthatfreshmanyearweoftenencounteredHermannKrebs,whistlingmerrily,onthestairs.
\"Gotyourthemesdone?\"hewouldinquirecheerfully.
AndTomwouldalwaysmutter,whenhewasoutofearshot:\"Hehasgotacrust!\"
WhenIthoughtaboutKrebsatall,——andthiswasseldomindeed,——hismanifesthappinesspuzzledme.Ourcoolpolitenessdidnotseemtobotherhimintheleast;onthecontrary,Igottheimpressionthatitamusedhim.Heseemedtohavemadenofriends.Andafterthatfirstevening,memorableforitshomesickness,heneverventuredtorepeathisvisittous.
OnewindyNovemberdayIspiedhissomewhatludicrousfigurestridingaheadofme,histrousersabovehisankles.Iwasbundledupinanewulster,——ofwhichIwassecretlyquiteproud,——butheworenoovercoatatall.
\"Well,howareyougettingalong?\"Iasked,asIovertookhim.
Hemadeclear,asheturned,hissurprisethatIshouldhaveaddressedhimatall,butimmediatelyrecoveredhimself.
\"Oh,fine,\"heresponded.\"I\'vehadbetterluckthanIexpected.I\'mcorrespondentfortwoorthreenewspapers.Ibeganbywashingwindows,anddoingoddjobsfortheprofessors\'wives.\"Helaughed.\"Iguessthatdoesn\'tstrikeyouasgoodluck.\"