MynameisHughParet.Iwasacorporationlawyer,butbynomeansatypicalone,thechoiceofmyprofessionbeingmerelyincidental,anddue,aswillbeseen,totheaccidentofenvironment.ThebookIamabouttowritemightaptlybecalledTheAutobiographyofaRomanticist.
Inthatsense,ifinnoother,IhavebeenatypicalAmerican,regardingmycountryasthehappyhunting-groundofenlightenedself-interest,asafunctionofmydesires.WhetherornotIhavecompletelygotridofthisromanticvirusImustleavetothosetheaimofwhoseexistenceistoeradicateitfromourliteratureandourlife.AsomewhatAugeantask!
Ihavebeenimpelledthereforetomakeanattemptatsettingforth,withwhatfranknessandsincerityImay,withthosepowersofselectionofwhichIamcapable,thelifeIhavelivedinthismodernAmerica;thepassionsIhaveknown,theevilsIhavedone.Iendeavourtowriteabiographyoftheinnerlife;butinordertodothisIshallhavetorelatethosecausalexperiencesoftheouterexistencethattakeplaceintheworldofspaceandtime,inthefourwallsofthehome,intheschoolanduniversity,inthenoisystreets,intherealmofbusinessandpolitics.Ishalltrytosetdown,impartially,themotivesthathaveimpelledmyactions,torevealinsomedegreetheamazingmixtureofgoodandevilwhichhasmademewhatIamto-day:toavoidthetricksofmemoryandresisttheinherentdesiretopresentmyselfotherandbetterthanIam.YourAmericanromanticistisasentimentalspoiledchildwhobelievesinmiracles,whoseneedsaremostlybaubles,whosedesiresaredreams.Expediencyishismotto.Innocentofaknowledgeoftheprinciplesoftheuniverse,helivesinastateofceaselessactivity,admittingnolimitations,impatientofallrestrictions.Whathewants,hewantsverybadlyindeed.Thiswantingthingswasthecorner-stoneofmycharacter,andIbelievethatthescienceofthefuturewillbearmeoutwhenIsaythatitmighthavebeendifferentlybuiltupon.Certainitisthatthesystemofeducationinvogueinthe70\'sand80\'snevercontemplatedthesearchfornaturalcorner-stones.
Atallevents,whenIlookbackupontheboyIwas,Iseethebeginningsofarealpersonwhofadeslittlebylittleasmanhoodarrivesandadvances,untilsuddenlyIamawarethatastrangerhastakenhisplace
IlivedinacitywhichisnowsometwelvehoursdistantfromtheAtlanticseaboard.Averydifferentcity,too,itwasinyouth,inmygrandfather\'sdayandmyfather\'s,eveninmyownboyhood,fromwhatithassincebecomeinthismostmaterialofages.
Thereisabookofmyphotographs,preservedbymymother,whichIhavebeenlookingoverlately.Firstispresentedaplumpchildoftwo,gazinginsmilingtrustfulnessuponaworldofsunshine;lateronaleanboyinplaidedkilts,whosewavy,chestnut-brownhairhasbeenmostcarefullypartedonthesidebyNorah,hisnurse.Thefaceisstillchildish.Thenappearsayouthoffourteenorthereaboutinlongtrousersandthequeerestofshortjackets,standingbesideamarbletableagainstaclassicbackground;heissmilingstillinundiminishedhopeandtrust,despiteincreasingvexationsandcrossings,meaninglesslessonswhichhadtobelearned,disciplinestorackanaspiringsoul,andlong,uncomfortablehoursinthestiffpewoftheFirstPresbyterianChurch.AssociatedwiththistortureisapeculiarSundaysmellandthefaintrustlingofsilkdresses.IcanseethesternblackfigureofDr.
Pound,whomadeinterminablestatementstotheLord.
\"Oh,Lord,\"Icanhearhimsay,\"thouknowest\"
Thesepictures,thoughyellowedandfaded,suggestvividlythebeingI
oncewas,thefeelingsthatpossessedandanimatedme,loveformyplaymates,vagueimpulsesstrugglingforexpressioninaworldforeverthwartingthem.Irecall,too,innocentdreamsofafutureunidentified,dreamsfromwhichIemergedvibratingwithanenergythatwaslostforlackofadefiniteobjective:yetitwasconstantlybeingrenewed.I
oftenwonderwhatImighthavebecomeifitcouldhavebeenharnessed,directed!Speculationsarevain.Calvinism,thoughithadbeguntomakecompromises,wasstillaforceinthosedays,inimicaltospontaneityandhumaninstincts.AndwhenIthinkofCalvinismIsee,notDr.Pound,whopreachedit,butmyfather,whopractisedandembodiedit.Ilovedhim,buthemadeofrighteousnessasternandterriblethingimplyingnotjoy,butpunishment,the,suppressionratherthantheexpansionofaspirations.Hisreligionseemedwovenallofausterity,containednoshiningthreadstocatchmyeye.Dreams,tohim,weremattersforsuspicionanddistrust.
Isometimesaskmyself,asIgazeuponhisportraitnow,theduplicateoftheonepaintedfortheBarAssociation,whetherheevercouldhavefeltthesecret,hotthrillsIknewanddidnotidentifywithreligion.Hisreligionwasrealtohim,thoughhefailedutterlytomakeitcomprehensibletome.Theapparentcalmness,evennessofhislifeawedme.Asuccessfullawyer,arespectedandtrustedcitizen,washelackingsomewhatinvirility,vitality?Icannotjudgehim,evento-day.I
neverknewhim.Thereweretimesinmyyouthwhenthecurtainofhisunfamiliarspiritwaswithdrawnalittle:andonce,afterIhadpassedthecrisisofsomechildhooddisease,Iawoketofindhimbendingovermybedwithatenderexpressionthatsurprisedandpuzzledme.
Hewaswelleducated,andfromhisportraitashrewdobservermightdivineinhimagenteeltasteforliterature.ThefinefeaturesbearwitnesstotheinfluenceofanAmericanenvironment,yetsuggesttheintellectualEnglishmanofMatthewArnold\'stime.Thefaceisdistinguished,ascetic,thechestnuthairlighterandthinnerthanmyown;thesidewhiskersarenottooobtrusive,theeyesblue-grey.Thereisalargeblackcravatcrossedandheldbyacameopin,andthecoathasodd,narrowlapels.HishabitsofmindwereEnglish,althoughheharmonizedwellenoughwiththemannersandtraditionsofacitywhoseinheritancewasScotch-Irish;andheinvariablydrankteaforbreakfast.
Oneofmyearliestrecollectionsisofthesilverbreakfastserviceandegg-cupswhichmygreat-grandfatherbroughtwithhimfromSheffieldtoPhiladelphiashortlyaftertheRevolution.Hisson,Dr.HughMoretonParet,afterwhomIwasnamed,wasthebestknownphysicianofthecityinthedecorous,SecondBankdays.
MymotherwasSarahBreck.HerswasmyScotch-Irishside.OldBenjaminBreck,hergrandfather,undauntedbyseaorwilderness,hadcomestraightfromBelfasttothelittlelogsettlementbythegreatriverthatmirroredthenthemantleofprimevalforestonthehills.Somuchforchance.Hekeptastorewithasideporchandsquare-panedwindows,wherehamsandsidesofbaconandsugarloavesinblueglazedpaperhungbesideploughsandcalicoprints,barrelsofflour,ofmolassesandrum,allofwhichhadbeensomehowmarvellouslytransportedoverthepassesofthoseforbiddingmountains,——passesweblithelythreadto-dayindiningcarsandcompartmentsleepers.BehindthestoreweremooredthebargesthatfloateddownontheswiftcurrenttotheOhio,carryinggoodstoevenremotersettlementsinthewesternwilderness.
Benjamin,inadditiontohisemigrant\'sleatherbox,broughtwithhimsomeofthatpigmentthatwastodyethelocalityforgenerationsadeepblue.Irefer,ofcourse,tohisPresbyterianism.Andinorderthebettertoensuretohisprogenythefastnessofthisdye,hemarriedthegranddaughterofafamousdivine,celebratedintheannalsofNewEngland,——nodoubtwithsomeinjustice,——asastaunchadvocateonthedoctrineofinfantdamnation.MycousinRobertBreckhadoldBenjamin\'sportrait,whichhassincegonetotheKinley\'s.Heavenknowswhopaintedit,thoughnogreatartwereneededtosuggestoncanvasthetoughfabricofthatsitter,whowasmoreIrishthanScotch.Theheavystickheholdsmight,withaslightstretchoftheimagination,beablackthorn;hisheadlookscapableofwithstandingmanyblows;hishandofgivingmany.
And,asIgazedtheotherdayatthispicturehangingintheshabbysuburbanparlour,Icouldonlycontrasthimwithhisanaemicdescendantswhopossessedthelikeness.BetweenthechildrenofpoorMaryKinley,——
CousinRobert\'sdaughter,andthehardystockoftheoldcountrythereisagapindeed!
BenjaminBreckmadethefoundationofafortune.ItwashissonwhobuiltontheSecondBankthewide,cornicedmansioninwhichtohousecomfortablyhiseightchildren.There,twotiersabovetheriver,livedmypaternalgrandfather,Dr.Paret,theBreck\'sphysicianandfriend;theDurrettsandtheHambletons,iron-masters;theHollisters,Sherwins,theMcAlerysandEwanses,——Breckconnections,——theWillettsandOgilvys;inshort,everyoneofimportanceinthedaysbetweenthe\'thirtiesandtheCivilWar.Theirsweregeneroushousessurroundedbyshadetrees,withgloriousbackyards——Ihavebeentold——whereapricotsandpearsandpeachesandevennectarinesgrew.
ThebusinessofBreckandCompany,wholesalegrocers,descendedtomymother\'sfirstcousin,RobertBreck,wholivedatClaremore.Theverysoundofthatwordoncesufficedtogivemeashiverofdelight;buttheClaremoreIknewhasdisappearedascompletelyasAtlantis,andtheplaceisnowasuburbhatefulword!cutupintobuildinglotsandconnectedwithBoyneStreetandthebusinesssectionofthecitybytrolleylines.
Thenitwas\"thecountry,\"andfairlysaturatedwithromance.CousinRobert,whenhecameintotowntospendhisdaysatthestore,broughtwithhimsomeofthisromance,Ihadalmostsaidofthisaroma.Hewasnosuburbanite,butruraltothebackbone,professingamostpropercontemptfordwellersintowns.
EverysummerdaythatdawnedheldClaremoreasapossibility.AndsuchwasmycapacityforjoythatmyappetitewoulddepartcompletelywhenI
heardmymothersay,questioninglyandwithproperwifelyrespect\"Ifyou\'rereallygoingoffonabusinesstripforadayortwo,Mr.
Paret\"shegenerallyaddressedmyfatherthusformally,\"IthinkI\'llgotoRobert\'sandtakeHugh.\"
\"ShallItellNorahtopack,mother,\"Iwouldexclaim,startingup.
\"We\'llseewhatyourfatherthinks,mydear.\"
\"Remainatthetableuntilyouareexcused,Hugh,\"hewouldsay.
Releasedatlength,IwouldrushtoNorah,whoalwaysrejoicedwithme,andthentothewirefencewhichmarkedtheboundaryofthePetersdomainnextdoor,eager,withtherefreshinglackofconsiderationcharacteristicofyouth,toannouncetothePeterses——whoweretoremainathomethenewsofmygoodfortune.TherewouldbeTomandAlfredandRussellandJuliaandlittleMyrawithhergrass-stainedknees,faringforthtoseektheadventuresofanewdayintheshadywesternyard.
Myrawastooyoungnottolookwistfulatmynews,buttheotherspretendedindifference,seekingtolessenmytriumph.AnditwasJuliawhoinvariablyretorted\"WecangoouttoUncleJake\'sfarmwheneverwewantto.Can\'twe,Tom?\"
Nojourneyevertakensincehasequalledinecstasythatleisurelytripofthirteenmilesinthenarrow-gaugerailroadthatwoundthroughhotfieldsofnoddingcorntasselsandbetweendelicious,acrid-smellingwoodstoClaremore.Nosilentpalace\"sleepinginthesun,\"noedificedecreedbyKublaKhancouldhavewornmoreglamourthanthehouseofCousinRobertBreck.
Itstoodhalfamilefromthedrowsyvillage,deepinitsowngroundsamidstlawnssplashedwithshadows,withgravelpathsedged——inbarbarousfashion,ifyoupleasewithshells.Therewereflowerbedsofequallybarbarousdesign;andtwoirondeer,which,likethefiguresonKeats\'sGrecianurn,wereeverreadypoisedtoflee,——andyetneverfled.ForCousinRobertwasrich,asricheswentinthosedays:notonlyrich,butcomfortable.Stretchingbehindthehouseweresweetmeadowsofhayandredcloverbaskingintheheat,orchardswherethecowscroppedbeneaththetrees,arbourswherepurpleclustersofConcordshungbeneathwarmleaves:therewerewoodsbeyond,intowhich,undertheguidanceofWillieBreck,Imadeadventurousexcursions,andintheautumngatheredhickoriesandwalnuts.Thehousewasarambling,woodenmansionpaintedgrey,withredscroll-workonitsporchesandhorsehairfurnitureinside.
Oh,thesmellofitsdarkenedinterioronamidsummerday!Liketheflavourofthatchoicestoftropicalfruits,themangosteen,itbafflesanalysis,andthenearestIcancometoitisamixtureofmattingandcorn-bread,withanotherelementtoosubtletodefine.
Thehospitalityofthathouse!Onewouldhavethoughtwehadarrived,mymotherandI,fromtheendsoftheearth,suchwasthewelcomewegotfromCousinJenny,CousinRobert\'swife,fromMaryandHelenwiththeflaxenpig-tails,fromWillie,whomIrecallaspermanentlywithoutshoesorstockings.MetandembracedbyCousinJennyatthestationanddriventothehouseinthesqueakysurrey,themomentwearrivedsheandmymotherwouldputonthedressing-sacksIassociatedwithhotweather,andsitsewingalldaylonginrocking-chairsatthecoolestendofthepiazza.Thewomenofthatdayscornedlyingdown,exceptatnight,andaseveningcameontheydonnedstarcheddresses;Irecallinparticularonemymotherwore,withlittleverticalstripesofblackandwhite,andafullskirt.Andhowtheytalked,fromthebeginningofthevisituntiltheend!Ihaveoftensincewonderedwherethetopicscamefrom.
Itwasnotuntilnearlyseveno\'clockthatthetrainarrivedwhichbroughthomemyCousinRobert.Hewasabigman;hisfeaturesandevenhisamplemoustachegaveadisconcertingimpressionofruggedintegrity,andIrememberhimchieflyinanalpacaorseersuckercoat.Thoughmuchlessformal,moredemocratic——inaword——thanmyfather,Istoodinaweofhimforadifferentreason,andthisIknownowwasbecausehepossessedthepenetrationtodiscerntheflawsinmyyouthfulcharacter,——flawsthatpersistedinmanhood.NonesoquickasCousinRoberttodetectdeceptionswhichwerehiddenfrommymother.
Hishobbywascarpentering,andhehadalittleshopbesidethestablefilledwithshiningtoolswhichWillieandI,inspiteoftheirattractions,wereforbiddentotouch.Willie,bydireexperience,hadlearnedtokeepthelaw;butononeoccasionIstoleinalone,andpromptlycutmyfingerwithachisel.MymotherandCousinJennyacceptedthefictionthattheinjuryhadbeendonewithaflintarrowheadthatWilliehadgivenme,butwhenCousinRobertcamehomeandsawmyboundhandandheardthestory,hegavemeacertainlookwhichsticksinmymind.
\"Wonderfulpeople,thoseIndianswere!\"heobserved.\"Theycouldmakearrowheadsassharpaschisels.\"
Iwasmostuncomfortable
Hehadastrongvoice,andspokewitharisinginflectionandamarkedaccentthatstillremainspeculiartoourlocality,althoughitwasmuchmodifiedinmymotherandnotatallnoticeableinmyfather;withanoddnasalalterationoftheburrourScotch-Irishancestorshadbroughtwiththemacrosstheseas.Forinstance,healwayscalledmyfatherMr.Par-
r-ret.Hehadanadmirationandrespectforhimthatseemedtoforbidtheinformalityof\"Matthew.\"Itwassharedbyothersofmyfather\'sfriendsandrelations.
\"Sarah,\"CousinRobertwouldsaytomymother,\"you\'recoddlingthatboy,yououghttolamhimoftener.Handhimovertomeforacoupleofmonths——I\'llputhimthroughhispacesSoyou\'regoingtosendhimtocollege,areyou?He\'stoogoodforoldBenjamin\'sgrocerybusiness.\"
Hewasveryfondofmymother,thoughhelecturedhersoundlyforherweaknessinindulgingme.Icanseehimashesatattheheadofthesuppertable,carvingliberalhelpingswhichMaryandHelenandWilliedevouredwithcountryappetites,watchingourplates.
\"What\'sthematter,Hugh?Youhaven\'teatenallyourlamb.\"
\"Hedoesn\'tlikefat,Robert,\"mymotherexplained.
\"I\'dteachhimtolikeitifheweremyboy.\"
\"Well,Robert,heisn\'tyourboy,\"CousinJennywouldremindhim
Hisbarkwasworsethanhisbite.Likemanykindpeoplehemadeuseofbrusquenesstohideaninnertenderness,andonthetrainhewashailfellowwellmetwitheveryTom,DickandHarrythatcommuted,——althoughthewordwasnotinventedinthosedays,——andtheconductorandbrakemantoo.Buthehadhisstandards,andheldtothem
Minewasnotaquestioningchildhood,andIwaswillingtoaccepttheschemeofthingsaspresentedtomeentire.Inmytendereryears,whenI
hadbrokenoneofthecommandmentsonmyfather\'stabletthereweremorethanten,andhad,onhishome-coming,beensenttobed,mymotherwouldcomesoftlyupstairsaftersupperwithabookinherhand;abookofselectedBiblestoriesonwhichDr.Poundhadsetthesealofhisapproval,withaglazedpicturecover,representingDanielinthelions\'
denandanangelstandingbesidehim.OnthesomewhatspeciouspleathatHolyWritmighthaveachasteningeffect,shewaspermittedtoministertomeinmyshame.TheamazingadventureofShadrach,MeshachandAbednegoparticularlyappealedtoanimaginationneedinglittlestimulation.Itneveroccurredtometodoubtthatthesegentlemenhadtriumphedovercaloriclaws.Butoutofmywindow,atthebackofthesecondstorey,Ioftensawasudden,crimsonglowintheskytothesouthward,asthoughthatpartofthecityhadcaughtfire.Therewerethebigsteel-works,mymothertoldme,belongingtoMr.DurrettandMr.
Hambleton,thefatherofRalphHambletonandthegrandfatherofHambletonDurrett,myschoolmatesatMissCaroline\'s.Iinvariablyconnectedtheglow,notwithHambletonandRalph,butwithShadrach,MeshachandAbednego!Lateron,whenmyfathertookmetothesteel-works,andI
beheldwithaweahugepotfilledwithmoltenmetalthatranoutofitlikewater,Iaskedhim——ifIleapedintothatstream,couldGodsaveme?
Hewasshocked.Miracles,hetoldme,didn\'thappenanymore.
\"Whendidtheystop?\"Idemanded.
\"Abouttwothousandyearsago,myson,\"herepliedgravely.
\"Then,\"saidI,\"nomatterhowmuchIbelievedinGod,hewouldn\'tsavemeifIjumpedintothebigkettleforhissake?\"
ForthisIwasproperlyrebukedandsilenced.
Myboyhoodwasfilledwithobsessingdesires.IfGod,forexample,hadcastdown,outofhisabundantstore,mannaandquailinthedesert,whycouldn\'theflingmealittlepocketmoney?Apaltryquarterofadollar,letussay,whichtomerepresentedwealth.ToavoidthereproachofthePharisees,Iwentintotheclosetofmybed-chambertopray,requestingthatthequartershouldbedroppedonthenorthsideofLymeStreet,betweenStamfordandTryon;inshort,asconvenientlynearhomeaspossible.ThenIissuedforth,notfeelingoverconfident,buthoping.TomPeters,leaningovertheornamentalcast-ironfencewhichseparatedhisfrontyardfromthestreet,presentlyspiedmescanningthesidewalk.
\"Whatareyoulookingfor,Hugh?\"hedemandedwithinterest.
\"Oh,somethingIdropped,\"Ianswereduneasily.
\"What?\"
Naturally,Irefusedtotell.Itwasabroiling,midsummerday;JuliaandRussell,whohadbeenwarnedtostayintheshade,butwhowereengagedintheexperimentofthrowingtheyellowcatfromthetopofthelatticefencetoseeifshewouldalightonherfeet,werepresentlyattracted,andjoinedinthesearch.ThemysterywhichIthrewarounditaddedtoitsinterest,andIwasnotinconsiderablyannoyed.SupposeoneofthemweretofindthequarterwhichGodhadintendedforme?Wouldthatbejustice?