Foratimetheartistseemedrather\"distrait\"also,asifamemoryweretroublinghim.Heoftenlookedaroundwhenanyoneentered,andhiseyesattimesrestedonIda\'svacantchair.ButhesoonpassedunderthespellofJennieBurton\'sgenialtalk,whichseeminglyglowedwiththesunshinethathadenvelopedherduringherquestoftheroses,andthepoorgirl,whowasfairlyquiveringwithpainbecauseofhissignificantactandwordsonthepiazza,wasforgotten.
Sheknewshewasforgotten.Thehumofvoices,thecheerfulclatterfromthelightedsupper-room,cameuptoherdarkeningapartment,andonlyincreasedhersenseoflonelinessandisolation.HerquickearcaughtVanBerg\'smellowlaugh,evokedbyoneofMissBurton\'ssallies.
Itisadrearysensationtofindone\'sselfwhollyforgottenbymereacquaintances;buttofindthatwehavenoplaceinthethoughtsofthosewelove,seemsinacertainsenselikebeingannihilated.
ButforpoorIdawasreservedadeepersufferingstill,sinceshebelievedthatthemansheloveddidnotdismissherfromhismindindifferently,butratherwithaversionanddisgust.
Shefeltherisolationterribly.Towhomcouldsheturninhertrouble?Thethoughtofherfatherwasbothareproachandahumiliation.Hewasdriftinghopelessly,andalmostunresistingly,towardsfinalwreck,and,sofarfromseekingtorestrain,shehadaddedtotheevilimpetus.Sheshrankfromtheveryideaofconfidinginhergarrulous,superficialmother.Shefeltthathercousindetestedaswellasdespisedher.Theflatteredgirl,whoalittlebeforethoughttheworldwasatherfeet,nowfeltfriendlessandalone,scarcelytoleratedbyherownfamily,andscornedbyothers.
Ofcoursesheexaggeratedtheevilofherlot.Theyounganinexperiencedareeverpronetolook,forthetime,ontheearliermisfortunesoftheirlivesasirretrievable.Inafteryearstheymaysmileattheircauselessdespair;buttheworldisfulloftragediesthattothewiseandsobermindedhadslightcause.
Ida\'stroubles,however,werescarcelyslight,andshe,aboveallothers,wastheleastfittedtobeartroubleandthwarting.Toberefusedanythingwouldbeanewanddisagreeableexperience,buttobedeniedthatwhichherheartcravedsupremely,tendedtocalloutallthepassionaterecklessnessofherungoverned,undisciplinednature.Thechildfromwhomsomethingistaken,willoftencastawayinangerallthatisofferedinitsplace;andinlikehastyfollymanyamanandwoman,totheireternalregret,havethrownawaylifeitself.Suicideisoftentheproductofpassionaswellasofdespair;theirritable,headlongprotestagainstevilsthatmighthavebeenandshouldhavebeenremedied.
AsIdasataloneinherdesolationandshame,thethoughtofself-destructionhadsurgedupinthelavaofothertumultuousthoughtsoccasionedbytheartist\'sscorn,andatfirstshehadshrunkfromitwithnaturalandinstinctivedread.Buttheawfulthoughtbegantofascinateherlikeadizzyheightfromwhichitseemssoeasytofallandendeverything.
Inhermorbidconditionandtoherpoisonedimaginationtheactdidnotappearsorevoltingafterall.Shehadbeenmadefamiliarwithitinherfavoritenovels.Shehadoftenseenitsimulatedwithapplauseonthestage,withallthemelodramaticaccessorieswithwhichitisproducemereeffect.Indeed,fromhereducation,shemightalsothinkself-destructionwastheonlydignifiedandhigh-spiritedthingtodo.
Foratimeherthoughtstookthecoloringofhightragedy.Shewouldteachthisproudartistalessen,eventhoughatsupremecosttoherself.Ifhewouldneverloveher,shewouldmakeitcertainthathecouldnotlongerdespiseher.Shewouldwritehimaletterthatwouldharrowhisverysoul,informinghimthatshehadtakenhishintandfollowedhissuggestion.Sincehehadthrownawaytheemblemofherselfasaworthlessandunsightlything,shehadthrownherselfaway,sothatfaultlesstasteandfaultlesspeoplemightbenomoreoffendedbythepresenceofsomuchimperfection.
Foramomenthereyesglowedwithexultationoverhisimagineddismayashereadthismessagefromonetowhomnoreparationcouldbemade;andthenbetterandmorewholesomefeelingsresumedtheirsway.Perverted,misguided,anduncounselledasshewas,shewastooyoung,toonearthemotherheartofnature,nottoreactfromthefalseandtheeviltowardsthesimpleandthetrue.
Shethrewherselfuponhercouch.\"Oh,thatImightliveandbehappy!\"shesobbed.\"Ifintheplaceofthebitterfrostofhiswordsandmannerhewouldgivemebutonerayofkindness,Iwouldtrytobloom,eventhoughbutapoorworm-eatenbud.\"
FrownsblightfarmoreflowersthanOctobernights.
ChapterXXXIII.\"HopediesHard.\"
Whenalonewithhisfriendaftersupper,Stantonbrokeout,\"SinceIdacan\'texistwithoutthesightofthatwretch,Sibley,IwishshewouldfollowhimtoNewYork.Ifshedotesonsuchscum,theyhadbetterbemarried,asfarassuchpeoplecanbe,andsorelieveherrelativesofanincubusthatiswell-nighintolerable.\"
\"AreyouabsolutelysurethatshedoesdoteonSibley,andthatheisthecauseofherevidenttrouble?\"askedVanBerg,withaperplexedfrownloweringonhisbrow.
\"I\'mnotsureofanythingconcerninghersavethatshewasborntomaketrouble.Iknowshewaswithhimallthetimehewashere,andsincehewasmetaphoricallykickedoffthepremisesshehassulkedinherroom.Isuppose,ofcourse,thatsheismortified,andhatestomeetpeople.Indeed,fromaremarkshemade,someonemusthavesnubbedhervigorouslyto-day;buthercoursemakeseverythingahundredfoldworse.Iambesmirchedbecauseofmyrelationship.Icanseethisinthebearingofmorethanone,andevenMissBurton,whocouldnotbeconsciouslyunkindtoanyone,keepsmeatadistancebybarriers,which,althoughseeminglyviewless,aresorealIcannotpassthem.\"
VanBergsurmisedthattheevasivetactwhichMissBurtonexercisedtowardshisfriendwasnotcausedbyhisrelationshiptoIda,andyetwascompelledtoadmitthatherfrankandfriendlybearingtowardshimselfwasscarcelylessdispiriting.Hermanner,asarule,wassoplainlythatofafriendonly,thatwereitnotforoccasionalandfurtiveglanceswhichheintercepted,hewoulddeemhisprospectslittlebetterthanStanton\'s,inspiteofallthathadpassedbetweenthem.Eveninthesestolen,questioning,longingglances,therewasanelementthattroubleandperplexedhim,andthestrangethoughtcrossedhismindthatwhenshelookedmostintentlyshedidnotseeHaroldVanBerg,butaninterveningvision.
Hermystery,however,renderedheronlythemoreattractive,andsheseemedlikeagoodangelthathadcomefromanunknownworldconcerningwhichshecouldnotspeak,andperhapshecouldnotunderstand.
Hersocietywaslikeadelicatewine,delightfullyexhilaratingwhileenjoyed,butwhoseeffectistransient.Hewasprovokedathimselftofindhowwellheenduredherabsence,andhowcontenthewaswiththegenuinefriendshipshewasevidentlyformingforhim.SometimesheevenlongedformoreoftheabsorbingpassionwhichhesawhadwhollymasteredStanton;buttriedtosatisfyhimselfbyreasoningthathislovewasinaccordancewithhisnature,whichwascalmandconstant,ratherthanimpulsiveandpassionate.
\"Allthehigherfacultiesofmysoulareherallies,\"hethought,complacently.\"Iadmirehonor,andevenreverenceher.Shecouldwalkthroughlifeasmycompanion,myequal,andinmanyrespects,mysuperior;\"andsowithallthedelicateandunobtrusivetactofwhichhewasthemasterheproposedtopresshissuit.
SinceJennieBurtonhadplainlyintimatedthat,likeKingLear,shehadlostherwoman\'skingdom——herheart——andsowasnotabletorewardsuchsuitandservice,howcameitshekeptpoorStantonatadistance,butwelcomedthesocietyofVanBerg?PossiblyherintuitionrecognizedthefactthatinthecaseofStantonshehadtouchedtheheart,buthadwonthemindoftheartist.Thefirstseemeddisposedtogiveallandtodemandall.Stanton\'salldidnotcountforverymuchthusfarinherestimation.ShehadrecognizedthecharacterhehadbroughttotheLakeHouse——thatofapleasure-lovingmanoftheworld——andshewasfartoomodesttosupposethatshecouldworkanymaterialchangeinthischaracter.
Self-indulgentbynature,shebelievedthathehadproposedtoenjoyasummerflirtationwithonewhomhewouldeasilyforgetintheautumn,and,whilethisimpressionlasted,shepunishedhimbyrequiringthatheshouldbethechivalricattendantofeveryforlornfemaleinthehouse.Whenshebelieved,however,thatsuchheartashepossessedwastrulyinterested,shebecameasunapproachableastheafternoonhorizon,whoserichglowisseeminglynear,butcanneverbereached.Whilesherecognizedthegenuinenessofhispassion,shedidnot,asbeforeintimated,regarditasaveryseriousaffair.
\"GooddinnersandfairerfacesthanminewillcomforthimbeforeChristmas,\"shethought.
Fewknowthemselves——theirowncapabilitiesofjoy,suffering,orachievement.AswithIda,Stantonwasatalosstounderstandthechangesinhisowncharacter.Itwasquitepossible,therefore,thatMissBurtonshouldmisunderstandhim.Indeedhehad,asyet,butlittleplaceinhersadandpreoccupiedthoughts.
Forsomereason,however,VanBerg\'ssocietyhadforherapeculiarfascinationthatshecouldnotresist.Shescarcelyknewwhethershederivedfromitmoreofpleasurethanofpain.Sheoftenaskedherselfthisquestion:
\"Whichwerebetterforatravellerinthedesert——toseeamirage,orthesandsonlyinalltheirbarrenreality?\"
Herjudgmentsaid,thelatter;butwhentheelusivemirageappeared,shelookedoftenwithalongingwistfulnessthatmightwellsuggestapilgrimthatwasathirstandfamishing.
Inspiteofherquickness,VanBergoccasionallycaughtsomethingofthisexpression,andwhilehedrewencouragementfromit,hewastoofreefromvanityandtooacuteanobservertoconcludethatallwouldresultashehoped.Theunwelcomethoughtwouldcomethathewasonlytheoccasionandnotthecause,ofthesefurtiveglances.Washerheartalreadyweddedtoamemory,andwassheinterestedinhimchieflybecauseforsomereasonhegavevividnessandrealitytothatmemory?Ifthisweretrue,whatmorehadhetohopeforthanStanton?Ifthisweretrue,washenotinacertainsensepursuingashadow?Woudsuccessbesuccess?Wouldhewishtoclasp,ashiswife,awomanwhosehearthadbeenburiedinasepulchrefromwhichthestonemightneverberolledaway?
Hisfirstimpression,thatMissBurtonhadpassedthroughsomeexperience,someordealofsufferingthatseparatedherfromordinaryhumanity,oftenreasserteditselfmorestronglythanever.
Attimesherflame-likespiritwouldflashupwithaglowandbrilliancythatlightedandwarmedhisverysoul,butthefeelingbegantogrowuponhimthatthisgenialfireconsumedthecostliestofallofferings——self.Didnotherownbrokenheartandshatteredhopessupplythefuel?Insteadofbroodingapartoversomemisfortunethatwouldhavecrushedmostnatures,wasshenotseekingtomakeherlifeanaltaronwhichshelaidasagifttoothersthebesttreasuresofherwoman\'ssoul?
Themorecloselyhestudiedhercharacter,andthecontrollingimpulsesofherlife,themoresincerebecamehisadmiration,andthedeeperhisreverence.HefeltwithtruththatsheWASofdifferentandfinerclayfromhimself.
Sostrongwasthisimpression,thatthethoughtoccurredtohimthatinthisandkindredreasonsmightbefoundtheexplanationofthepeculiarregardhefeltforher.Hehadvirtuallyofferedhimself,andwouldagainifhecouldfindtheopportunity.Ifheweresurethehewouldwinher,hewouldexultasonemightwhohadsecuredtherevenueofakingdom,thepurestandlargestgemintheworld,orsomeotherpossessionthatwasuniqueandpriceless.Thewholeofhisstrongintellectualnaturewouldbejubilantoverthegreatsuccessofhislife.Hewasalsoconsciousthatsomeofthedeepestfeelingsofhissoulwereinterested.Shewasbecominglikeareligiontohim,andheimaginedthathisregardforherwassomewhatakintothatofadevoutCatholicforapatronsaint.
Andyethewascompelledtoadmittohimselfthathedidnotloverherashesupposedhewouldlovethewomanhehopedtomakehiswife.Whywashisheartsotranquilandhispulsesosteady?
Certainlynotbecauseofassuredsuccess.WhydidhisregarddiffersoradicallyfromStanton\'sconsumingpassion?ShouldStantonwinherhefeltthathecouldstillseekhersocietyandenjoyherfriendship.Theprospectofneverwinningherhimselfdidnotroblifeofitszestandcolor.Onthecontrary,hebelievedthatshewouldeverbeaninspiration,anexquisiteidealrealizedinactuallife.Assuchhecouldnotloseheranymorethanthosewomenwhompoetry,fiction,andhistoryhadplacedasstarsinhisfirmament,andthisbeliefsocontentedhimastoawakensurprise.
AshereturnedfromalongandsolitarystrollonMondayeveninghesoliloquizedcomplacently,\"Iammakingtoogreatamysteryofitall.Sheisnotanordinarywoman.WhyshouldIfeeltowardshertheordinaryandconventionallovewhichanywomanmightevoke?
Thereismoreofspiritthanoffleshandbloodinherexquisiteorganization.Sorrowhasrefinedawayeverygrossandselfishelement,andleftasainttowardswhomdevotionisfarmoreseemlyandnaturalthanpassion.Sheawakensinmearegardcorrespondingtoherownnature,andIthankheaventhatIamatleastfinelyenoughorganizedtounderstandherandsocanseektowinherinaccordancewiththesubtlelawsofherbeing.Shewouldshrinkinevitablyfromadownright,headlongpassionlikethatofStanton\'s,nomatterhowhonestitmightbeorhowgoodthemanexpressingit.Nohand,howeverstrong,willevergraspthis\'raraavis,\'
thisgoodangel,rather.Herwingsmustbepinionedbygossamerthreadsofpatientkindness,delicatesympathy,niceappreciation,andallwovenandwoundsounobtrusivelythattheshyspiritmaynotbestartled.WhatafoolIwastoblurtoutmyfeelingslastevening!Whatraregoodfortuneismineinthefactthatshegivesmethevantage-groundoffriendshipfromwhichtourgeasuitwhereinmustbecombinedsinceritywithconsummateskill.IfearImusteffacesomeotherimagebeforeIcanimplantmyown.HowfortunateIamthatmycoolandwell-poisednaturewillenablemetoworkundertheguidanceofjudgmentratherthanimpulse.\"
Feelingthathehadmuchtogainandwasindangerofirretrievableloss,helightlymountedthestepsofthehotel,bentonfindingatoncetheobjectofhisthoughts.
Hesawherleavingagroupintheparlor,ofwhichStantonwasone,andhehastenedtointerceptherinthehall-way.Justashewasabouttospeaktoher,Mr.Burleighcamebustlingupandsaid:
\"MissBurton,astranger——nottofameorfortune,nortoyouprobably,butastrangertome——isinquiringforyou——astrangerfromtheSouth.Hewouldnotgivehisname,and——goodheaven,MissBurton!areyouill?\"
VanBergledherintoaprivateparlornear.Shecertainlyhadgrownverywhiteandfaint.Butafteramomenttherecameaflashofhopeandeagerexpectationintoherfacethatnowordscouldhaveexpressed.
\"Hisname——hisname?\"shegasped.
Mr.Burleighlookedatherasecond,andthensaid:\"Stayquietlyhere,I\'llbringhimtoyou;andthen,Mr.VanBerg,perhapsyouandImightformanenormouscrowd.\"
\"HadInotbetterleaveyouatonce?\"theartistaskedwhentheywerealone.
\"Waitamoment.I——I——amveryweak.Itcannotbe——buthopedieshard.\"
Tremblinglikealeaf,andwitheyesaflamewithintense,eagerhope,shewatchedthedoor.
AmomentlaterMr.Burleighusheredinamiddle-agedgentleman,whocommencedsaying:
\"Pardonme,MissBurton,fornotsendingmyname,butyouwouldnothaveknownit\"——thentheyounglady\'sappearancecheckedhim.
Theeffectofhiscomingwasindeedstriking.Itwasasifagustofwindhadsuddenlyextinguishedalamp.Theluminouseyesclosedforamoment,andthefacebecamesopallidandasheninitshueastosuggestdeath.ItwasevidenttoVanBergthatherdisappointmentwasmorebitterthandeath.
\"MissBurtontookalongwalkthisafternoon,\"hesaid,hastily,\"and,Ifear,wentmuchbeyondherstrength.Perhapsshehadbetterseeyouto-morrow.\"
\"Oh,certainly,certainly;Iwillremain,ifthereisneed,\"thegentlemanbegan.
ByastrongandevidenteffortMissBurtonregainedself-control,andsaid,withafaintsmilethatplayedoverherfaceamomentlikeagleamofwintrysunshine:
\"Youstrongmenoftencallwomenweak,andwe,toooften,proveyouright.AsMr.VanBergsuggests,Iamalittleovertaxedto-night.
PerhapsIhadbetterseeyouinthemorning.\"
\"Iamatransientguest,andoughttobeonmywaywiththefirsttrain,\"saidthegentleman.\"Myerrandisasbriefasitisgratefultome.Donotleave,sir,\"hesaidtoVanBerg.\"IfyouareafriendofMissBurtonitwillbepleasantforyoutohearwhatIhavetosay;and,Iwarrantyouthatshewillnevertellyounoranyoneelseherself.\"
\"MayIstay?\"heasked.
Shefeltsoweakandunnerved,soinneedofasustaininghandandmindthatshelookedathimappealingly,andsaid:
\"Yes.ThisgentlemancannotdisgracememorethanIhavemyselfthisevening.\"
\"Disgraceyou!MissBurton,\"exclaimedthegentleman.\"Yournameisahouseholdwordinourhome,andourhonorforitisonlyexcelledbyourlove.Youremembermyinvaliddaughter,EmilyMusgrave——ouronlyandunfortunatechild.Sheattendedthecollegeinwhichyouareaninstructress.Beforeshecameunderyourinfluenceherinfirmitieswerecrushingherspiritandembitteringherlife.Somorbidwasshebecomingthatsheapparentlybegantohatehermotherandmyselfastheauthorsofherwretchedexistence.
Butbysomedivinemagicyousweetenedthebitterwatersofherlife,andnowsheisafountainofjoyinourhome.Inherbehalfandhermother\'s,Ithankyou;andevenmore,ifpossible,inmyownbehalf,forthereproachful,avertedfaceofmychildwaskillingme;\"andtearsstoodinthestrongman\'seyes.
TherewasnothingconventionalinthewayinwhichJeannieBurtonreceivedhiswarmgratitude.Sheleanedwearilybackinherchair,andforamomentclosedhereyes.Therewasfarmoreresignationthanofpleasureinherface,andshehadtheairofonesubmittingtoafatewhichonecouldnotandoughtnottoresist.
\"Yourthreelivesaremuchhappierthen?\"shesaid,gently,asifwishingtohearthereassuringtruthagain.
\"Youdonotrealizeyourservicetous,\"saidMr.Musgrave,eagerly.
\"Ourliveswerenothappyatall.Thereseemednothingbeforeusbutincreasingpain.Youhavenotaddedtoahappinessalreadyexistingmerely,buthavecausedustoexchangepositivesufferingforhappiness.Emilyseemstohavelearnedtheartofmakingeverydayofourlivesablessing,andshesaysyoutaughtherhow.I
wouldgoaroundtheworldtosaytoyou,\'Godblessyouforit!\'\"
\"Suchassurancesoughttomakeoneresigned,ifnotcontent,\"
shemurmuredinalowtone,asifhalfspeakingtoherself.Thenrising,byanevidenteffort,shecordiallygaveherhandtoMr.
Musgrave,andsaid:
\"Yousee,sir,thatIamscarcelymyselfto-night.IthinkIcouldgiveyouabetterimpressionofyourdaughter\'sfriendto-morrow.
Givehermysincereloveandcongratulations.SheisevidentlybearingherburdenbetterthanImine.Youcannotknowhowmuchgoodyourwordshavedonemeto-night.Ineededthem,andtheywillhelpmeforyearstocome.\"
Thegentleman\'seyesgrewmoistagain,andhesaid,huskily:
\"Iknowyouareratheraloneintheworld,butifitshouldeverhappenthatthereisanythingthatIcoulddoforyouwereIyourfather,callonJohnMusgrave.There,Icannottrustmyselftospeaktoyouanymore,thoughIhavesomuchtosay.Good-night,andgood-by;\"andhemadeaveryprecipitateretreat,thoroughlyovercomebyhiswarmSouthernheart.
\"Idreadtoleaveyoulookingsosadandill,orelseIwouldsaygood-nightalso,\"saidVanBerg.
Shestartedasifshehadhalfforgottenhispresence,andkeptherfaceavertedasshereplied:
\"Iwillsaygood-nighttoyou,Mr.VanBerg.Iwouldprovepoorcompanythisevening.\"
\"BeforeyougoIwishtothankyouforlettingmestay,\"hesaid,hastily.\"AsMr.Musgraveasserted,youwouldindeedneverhavetoldmewhatIhaveheard,andyetIwouldnothavemissedhearingitformorethanyouwillbelieve.Howmanyliveshaveyoublessed,JennieBurton?\"
\"Notverymany,Ifear,butIhalfwishIknew.Eachonewouldbelikeanargument.\"
\"Argumentsthatshouldprovethatyououghttoletthedeadpastburyitsdead,andliveinthericherpresent,\"hesaid,earnestly.
\"Thericherpresent!\"sherepeatedslowly,andherfacegrewalmoststerninitsreproach.
\"Forgiveme——inthepresentyousoenrich,then,\"hesaid,eagerly.
Againsheavertedherface,andhesawthatforsomereasonshewishedtoavoidhiseyes.
\"Iamtooweakandunnervedtodomorethansaygood-nightagain,\"
shesaid,tryingtosmile.\"Youarefastlearningthatifyouwouldbemyfriendyoumustbeapatientandgenerousone.\"
\"ThankheavenIcametotheLakeHouse!\"ejaculatedtheartistashestrolledoutintothestar-light.Thankheavenforthisminglingmysteryandcrystalpurity.Itdoesmegoodtotrusther.Thereisadeepandabidingjoyintheverygenerositysheinspires.I
amlearningthespellunderwhichEmilyMusgravecame.Buthowstrangeitallis!Sheexpectedsomeoneto-night,whomshewouldhavewelcomedassheneverwillme.\"TheonlyrivalIhavetofearmaynotbedead,asIsupposed,andyetmyperverseheartismorefullofpityforherthanjealousy.IhadnoideathatIwascapableofsuchself-abnegation.Hasshetheartofspiritualalchemy,andsocantransmutenaturesfullofalloyintofinegold?\"
VanBergwasanacuteobserver,andhadlargeacquaintancewiththeworldinwhichhelived,anditsinhabitants.Hewasinthemain,however,anunknownquantitytohimself.
ChapterXXXIV.Puzzled.
TuesdaywasdrearyenoughtomorethanoneattheLakeHouse.
Cloudscoveredthesky,yettheygavelittlepromiseoftherainwhichthethirstyearthsoneeded.ToIda,asshelookedoutlateinthemorning,theyseemedlikealeadenwallaroundher,shuttingoffallavenuesofescape.
Hermotherjoinedherasshewentdowntoacoldanddismalbreakfast,longafteralltheotherguestshadleftthedining-room,andshecommencedfrettingandfuming,aswashercustomwhentheworlddidnotarrangeitselftosuithermood.
\"Everythingisonthebiasto-day,\"shesaid,\"andyoumostofallfromyourappearance.IwishIcouldseethingsstraightenedoutforonce.Thelittleschool-ma\'am,whoturnseverybody\'shead,issickinherroom,anddidnotcomedowntobreakfast.ThereforewehadaQuakermeeting.Ifyouhadbeenpresentwithyourlongface,theoccasionwouldhavebeenoneofoppressivesolemnity.Ikappearedasdejectedasifheweretobeexecutedbeforedinner,andscarcelyateamouthful;Ineversawafellowsochangedinallmylife.Althoughyourartistfriendhadarapt,absorbedlook,hewasstillabletoabsorbagooddealofsteakandcoffee.I
sawhimandMissBurtonemergefromaprivateparlorlastnight,andheprobablyunderstandsMissBurton\'smaladybetterthantherestofus.Why——what\'sthematter?WouldtoheavenIunderstoodyourmaladybetter!Areyousick?\"
\"Yes,\"saidIda,risingabruptlyfromthetable,\"Iamsick——sickofmyself,sickoftheworld.\"
\"Goodgracious!\"exclaimedMrs.Mayhew,sharply,\"areyousowraptupinthatfellowSibley,thatyoucan\'tlivewithouthim?\"
Idamadeaslightbutexpressivegestureofprotestanddisgust;
thensaid,inalowtone,asiftoherself:\"Ifmyownmothersomisjudgesme,whatcanIexpectofothers?\"
Mrs.Mayhewfollowedherdaughtertoherroomwithaperplexedandworriedlook.
\"Ida,\"shebegan,\"youarealloutofsorts;youarebilious;you\'vegotthishorridmalaria,thatthedoctorsarealwaystalkingabout,inyoursystem.Letmesendforourcityphysician,DoctorBetts.
Neverwassuchamanatdiagnosis.Heseemstolookrightinsideofoneandseeeverythingthat\'sgoingonwrong.\"
\"Forheaven\'ssakedon\'tsendforhimthen!\"exclaimedIda.
Mrs.Mayhewlookedaskanceatherdaughteramoment,andthenaskedbluntly:
\"Why?What\'sgoingonwronginyou?\"
\"Idonotknowofanythingthat\'sgoingonright,——touseyourownphraseology.\"
\"Youmeantosay,then,thatthereissomethingwrong?\"
\"Youintimatedatthebreakfast-tablethateverythingwasgoingwrong.Soithasseemedtome,forsometime.Butcome,mother,drugscan\'treachmytrouble,andsoyoucan\'thelpme.Youmustleavemetomyself.\"
\"Ithinkyoumighttellyourownmotherwhatisthematter,\"whinedMrs.Mayhew.
\"IthinkImightalso,\"saidIda,coldly.\"ItisnotmyfaultbutmygreatmisfortunethatIcannot.\"
AtthisMrs.Mayhewwhimpered:\"Youareverycrueltotalktomeinthatway.\"
\"IsupposeI\'meverythingthat\'sbad,\"Idaansweredrecklessly.
\"Thatseemstobethegeneralverdict.PerhapsitwouldbebestforyouallwereIoutoftheway.IcanscarcelyrememberwhenIhavehadafriendlylookfromanyone.Thingscouldnotbemuchworsewithmethantheyarenow.IthinkIwouldlikeachange,andmayhaveaverydecidedone.\"Thenseizingherhat,shelefthermothertoherself.