A Confession

第3章

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第3章

A Confession Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy

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A Confession
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  Whatifanexecutionerpassinghiswholelifeintorturingpeopleandcuttingofftheirheads,orahopelessdrunkard,oramadmansettledforlifeinadarkroomwhichhehasfouledandimaginesthathewouldperishifheleft——whatifheaskedhimself:\"Whatislife?\"Evidentlyhecouldnototherreplytothatquestionthanthatlifeisthegreatestevil,andthemadman’sanswerwouldbeperfectlycorrect,butonlyasappliedtohimself。

  WhatifIamsuchamadman?Whatifallwerichandleisuredpeoplearesuchmadmen?andIunderstoodthatwereallyaresuchmadmen。Iatanyratewascertainlysuch。

  Andindeedabirdissomadethatitmustfly,collectfood,andbuildanest,andwhenIseethatabirddoesthisIhavepleasureinitsjoy。Agoat,ahare,andawolfaresomadethattheymustfeedthemselves,andmustbreedandfeedtheirfamily,andwhentheydosoIfeelfirmlyassuredthattheyarehappyandthattheirlifeisareasonableone。thenwhatshouldamando?

  Hetooshouldproducehislivingastheanimalsdo,butwiththisdifference,thathewillperishifhedoesitalone;hemustobtainitnotforhimselfbutforall。Andwhenhedoesthat,Ihaveafirmassurancethatheishappyandthathislifeisreasonable。

  ButwhathadIdoneduringthewholethirtyyearsofmyresponsiblelife?Farfromproducingsustenanceforall,Ididnotevenproduceitformyself。Ilivedasaparasite,andonaskingmyself,whatistheuseofmylife?Igotthereply:\"Nouse。\"Ifthemeaningofhumanlifeliesinsupportingit,howcouldI——whoforthirtyyearshadbeenengagednotonsupportinglifebutondestroyingitinmyselfandinothers——howcouldIobtainanyotheranswerthanthatmylifewassenselessandanevil?……Itwasbothsenselessandevil。

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