Defunctiinjurianeafficianturwasalawofthetwelvetables，andDemortuisnilnisibonumisanexcellentinjunctionevenifthedeadinquestionbenothingbutdeadsmallbeer。Itisnotmydesign，therefore，tovituperatemydeceasedfriend，TobyDammit。Hewasasaddog，itistrue，andadog’sdeathitwasthathedied；buthehimselfwasnottoblameforhisvices。Theygrewoutofapersonaldefectinhismother。Shedidherbestinthewayofflogginghimwhileaninfantfordutiestoherwellregulatedmindwerealwayspleasures，andbabies，liketoughsteaks，orthemodernGreekolivetrees，areinvariablythebetterforbeatingbut，poorwoman！shehadthemisfortunetobeleft-handed，andachildfloggedleft-handedlyhadbetterbeleftunflogged。Theworldrevolvesfromrighttoleft。Itwillnotdotowhipababyfromlefttoright。Ifeachblowintheproperdirectiondrivesanevilpropensityout，itfollowsthateverythumpinanoppositeoneknocksitsquotaofwickednessin。IwasoftenpresentatToby’schastisements，and，evenbythewayinwhichhekicked，Icouldperceivethathewasgettingworseandworseeveryday。AtlastIsaw，throughthetearsinmyeyes，thattherewasnohopeofthevillainatall，andonedaywhenhehadbeencuffeduntilhegrewsoblackinthefacethatonemighthavemistakenhimforalittleAfrican，andnoeffecthadbeenproducedbeyondthatofmakinghimwrigglehimselfintoafit，Icouldstanditnolonger，butwentdownuponmykneesforthwith，and，upliftingmyvoice，madeprophecyofhisruin。
Thefactisthathisprecocityinvicewasawful。Atfivemonthsofageheusedtogetintosuchpassionsthathewasunabletoarticulate。Atsixmonths，Icaughthimgnawingapackofcards。Atsevenmonthshewasintheconstanthabitofcatchingandkissingthefemalebabies。AteightmonthsheperemptorilyrefusedtoputhissignaturetotheTemperancepledge。Thushewentonincreasingininiquity，monthaftermonth，until，atthecloseofthefirstyear，henotonlyinsisteduponwearingmoustaches，buthadcontractedapropensityforcursingandswearing，andforbackinghisassertionsbybets。
Throughthislattermostungentlemanlypractice，theruinwhichIhadpredictedtoTobyDammitovertookhimatlast。Thefashionhad“grownwithhisgrowthandstrengthenedwithhisstrength。”sothat，whenhecametobeaman，hecouldscarcelyutterasentencewithoutinterlardingitwithapropositiontogamble。Notthatheactuallylaidwagersno。Iwilldomyfriendthejusticetosaythathewouldassoonhavelaideggs。Withhimthethingwasamereformulanothingmore。Hisexpressionsonthisheadhadnomeaningattachedtothemwhatever。Theyweresimpleifnotaltogetherinnocentexpletivesimaginativephraseswherewithtoroundoffasentence。Whenhesaid“I’llbetyousoandso。”nobodyeverthoughtoftakinghimup；butstillIcouldnothelpthinkingitmydutytoputhimdown。Thehabitwasanimmoralone，andsoItoldhim。Itwasavulgarone-thisIbeggedhimtobelieve。Itwasdiscountenancedbysociety
hereIsaidnothingbutthetruth。ItwasforbiddenbyactofCongress
hereIhadnottheslightestintentionoftellingalie。Iremonstrated