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Icometothemostevasiveanddifficultpartofmystory,whichistotellhowIsabelandIhavemadeacommonwreckofourjointlives。
Itisnotthetellingofonesimpledisastrousaccident。Therewasaveininournaturesthatledtothiscollapse,graduallyandatthispointandthatitcrepttothesurface。Onemayindeedseeourdestruction——forindeedpoliticallywecouldnotbemoreextinctifwehadbeenshotdead——intheformofacatastropheasdisconnectedandconclusiveasameteoricstonefallingoutofheavenupontwofriendsandcrushingthemboth。ButIdonotthinkthatistruetooursituationorourselves。Wewerenottakenbysurprise。Thethingwasinusandnotfromwithout,itwasakintoourwayofthinkingandourhabitualattitudes;ithad,forallitsimpulsiveeffect,acertainnecessity。Wemighthaveescapednodoubt,astwomenatahundredyardsmayshootateachotherwithpistolsforaconsiderabletimeandescape。Butitisn\'tparticularlyreasonabletotalkofthecontrarietyoffateiftheybothgethit。
IsabelandIweredangeroustoeachotherforseveralyearsoffriendship,andnotquiteunwittinglyso。
Inwritingthis,moreover,thereisaverygreatdifficultyinsteeringmywaybetweentwoequallyundesirabletonesinthetelling。InthefirstplaceIdonotwanttoseemtoconfessmysinswithapenitenceIamverydoubtfulifIfeel。NowthatIhavegotIsabelwecannodoubtcountthecostofitandfeelunquenchableregrets,butIamnotsurewhether,ifwecouldbeputbacknowintosuchcircumstancesaswewereinayearago,ortwoyearsago,whetherwithmyeyesfullyopenIshouldnotdooveragainverymuchasIdid。AndontheotherhandIdonotwanttojustifythethingswehavedone。Wearetwobadpeople——ifthereistobeanyclassificationofgoodandbadatall,wehaveactedbadly,andquiteapartfromanyotherconsiderationswe\'velargelywastedourownverygreatpossibilities。Butitispartofaqueerhumourthatunderliesallthis,thatIfindmyselfslippingagainandagainintoasentimentaltreatmentofourcasethatisasunpremeditatedasitisinsincere。WhenIamalittletiredafteramorning\'swritingIfindthefaintsuggestiongettingintoeveryothersentencethatourblundersandmisdeedsembodied,afterthefashionoftheprophetHosea,profoundmoraltruths。Indeed,IfeelsolittleconfidenceinmyabilitytokeepthisaltogetheroutofmybookthatIwarnthereaderherethatinspiteofanythinghemayreadelsewhereinthestory,intimatinghowevershylyanesotericandexaltedvirtueinourproceedings,theplaintruthofthisbusinessisthatIsabelandIwantedeachotherwithawantentirelyformless,inconsiderate,andoverwhelming。AndthoughIcouldtellyoucountlessdelightfulandbeautifulthingsaboutIsabel,werethisabookinherpraise,Icannoteitheranalysethatwantoraccountforitsextremeintensity。