STRICTLYBUSINESS
Isupposeyouknowallaboutthestageandstagepeople。You”vebeentouchedwithandbyactors，andyoureadthenewspapercriticismsandthejokesintheweekliesabouttheRialtoandthechorusgirlsandthelong-hairedtragedians。AndIsupposethatacondensedlistofyourideasaboutthemysteriousstagelandwouldboildowntosomethinglikethis：
Leadingladieshavefivehusbands，pastediamonds，andfiguresnobetterthanyourownmadamiftheyweren”tpadded。Chorusgirlsareinseparablefromperoxide，PanhardsandPittsburg。AllshowswalkbacktoNewYorkontanoxfordandrailroadties。
Irreproachableactressesreservethecomic-landladypartfortheirmothersonBroadwayandtheirstep-auntsontheroad。KyrleBellew”srealnameisBoyleO”Kelley。TheravingsofJohnMcCulloughinthephonographwerestolenfromthefirstsaleoftheEllenTerrymemoirs。JoeWeberisfunnierthanE。H。Sothern；
butHenryMillerisgettingolderthanhewas。
Alltheatricalpeopleonleavingthetheatreatnightdrinkchampagneandeatlobstersuntilnoonthenextday。Afterall，themovingpictureshavegotthewholebunchpoundedtoapulp。
Now，fewofusknowthereallifeofthestagepeople。Ifwedid，theprofessionmightbemoreovercrowdedthanitis。Welookaskanceattheplayerswithaneyefullofpatronizingsuperiority——
andwegohomeandpractiseallsortsofelocutionandgesturesinfrontofourlookingglasses。
Latterlytherehasbeenmuchtalkoftheactorpeopleinanewlight。Itseemstohavebeendivulgedthatinsteadofbeingmotoringbacchanaliasanddiamond-hungry_loreleis_theyarebusinesslikefolk，studentsandasceticswithchilderandhomesandlibraries，owningrealestate，andconductingtheirprivateaffairsinasorderlyandunsensationalamannerasanyofusgoodcitizenswhoareboundtothechariotwheelsofthegas，rent，coal，ice，andwardmen。
Whethertheoldorthenewreportofthesock-and-buskinersbethetrueoneisasurmisethathasnoplacehere。Iofferyoumerelythislittlestoryoftwostrollers；andforproofofitstruthIcanshowyouonlythedarkpatchabovethecast-ironofthestage-entrancedoorofKeetor”soldvaudevilletheatremadetherebythepetulantpushofglovedhandstooimpatienttofingertheclumsythumb-latch——
andwhereIlastsawCherrywhiskingthroughlikeaswallowintohernest，ontimetotheminute，asusual，todressforheract。
ThevaudevilleteamofHart&Cherrywasaninspiration。ButHarthadbeenroamingthroughtheEasternandWesterncircuitsforfouryearswithamixed-upactcomprisingamonologue，threelightningchangeswithsongs，acoupleofimitationsofcelebratedimitators，andabuck-and-wingdancethathaddrawnaglanceofapprovalfromthebass-violplayerinmorethanonehouse——thanwhichnoperformereverreceivedmoresatisfactoryevidenceofgoodwork。
Thegreatesttreatanactorcanhaveistowitnessthepitifulperformancewithwhichallotheractorsdesecratethestage。InordertogivehimselfthispleausrehewilloftenforsakethesunniestBroadwaycornerbetweenThirty-fourthandForty-fourthtoattendamatin”eeofferingbyhislessgiftedbrothers。OnceduringthelifetimeofaminstreljokeonecomestoscoffandremainstogothroughwiththatmostdifficultexerciseofThespianmuscles——theaudiblecontactofthepalmofonehandagainstthepalmoftheother。
OneafternoonBobHartpresentedhissolvent，serious，well-knownvaudevillianfaceatthebox-officewindowofarivalattractionandgothisd。h。couponforanorchestraseat。
A，B，C，andDglowedsuccessivelyontheannouncementspacesandpassedintooblivion，eachplungingMr。Hartdeeperintogloom。Othersoftheaudienceshrieked，squirmed，whistled，andapplauded；butBobHart，“AlltheMustardandaWholeShowinHimself，“satwithhisfaceaslongandhishandsasfarapartasaboyholdingahankofyarnforhisgrandmothertowindintoaball。
ButwhenHcameon，“TheMustard“suddenlysatupstraight。H
wasthehappyalphabeticalprognosticatorofWinonaCherry，inCharacterSongsandImpersonations。TherewerescarcelymorethantwobitestoCherry；butshedeliveredthemerchandisetiedwithapinkcordandchargedtotheoldman”saccount。Shefirstshowedyouadeliciouslydewyandginghamycountrygirlwithabasketofpropertydaisieswhoinformedyouingenuouslythattherewereotherthingstobelearnedattheoldlogschool-housebesidescipherin”andnouns，especially“WhentheTeach-erKeptMein。”Vanishing，withaquickflirtofginghamapron-strings，shereappearedinconsiderablylessthana“trice“asafluffy“Parisienne“——soneardoesArtbringtheoldredmilltotheMoulinRouge。Andthen——
Butyouknowtherest。AndsodidBobHart；buthesawsomebodyelse。hethoughthesawthatCherrywastheonlyprofessionalontheshortorderstagethathehadseenwhoseemedexactlytofitthepartof“HelenGrimes“inthesketchhehadwrittenandkepttuckedawayinthetrayofhistrunk。OfcourseBobHart，aswellaseveryothernormalactor，grocer，newspaperman，professor，curbbroker，andfarmer，hasaplaytuckedawaysomewhere。Theytuck”emintraysoftrunks，trunksoftrees，desks，haymows，pigeonholes，insidepockets，safe-depositvaults，handboxes，andcoalcellars，waitingforMr。Frohmantocall。
Theybelongamongthefifty-sevendifferentkinds。
ButBobHart”ssketchwasnotdestinedtoendinapicklejar。Hecalledit“MiceWillPlay。”Hehadkeptitquietandhiddenawayeversincehewroteit，waitingtofindapartnerwhofittedhisconceptionof“HelenGrimes。”Andherewas“Helen“herself，withalltheinnocentabandon，theyouth，thesprightliness，andtheflawlessstageartthathiscriticaltastedemanded。
AftertheactwasoverHartfoundthemanagerintheboxoffice，andgotCherry”saddress。AtfivethenextafternoonhecalledatthemustyoldhouseintheWestFortiesandsentuphisprofessionalcard。
Bydaylight，inasecularshirtwaistandplain_voile_skirt，withherhaircurbedandherSisterofCharityeyes，WinonaCherrymighthavebeenplayingthepartofPrudenceWise，thedeacon”sdaughter，inthegreatunwrittenNewEnglanddramanotyetentitledanything。
“Iknowyouract，Mr。Hart，“shesaidaftershehadlookedoverhiscardcarefully。“Whatdidyouwishtoseemeabout？“
“Isawyouworklastnight，“saidHart。“I”vewrittenasketchthatI”vebeensavingup。It”sfortwo；andIthinkyoucandotheotherpart。IthoughtI”dseeyouaboutit。”
“Comeintheparlor，“saidMissCherry。“I”vebeenwishingforsomethingofthesort。IthinkI”dliketoactinsteadofdoingturns。”
BobHartdrewhischerished“MiceWillPlay“fromhispocket，andreadittoher。
“Readitagain，please，“saidMissCherry。
Andthenshepointedouttohimclearlyhowitcouldbeimprovedbyintroducingamessengerinsteadofatelephonecall，andcuttingthedialoguejustbeforetheclimaxwhiletheywerestrugglingwiththepistol，andbycompletelychangingthelinesandbusinessofHelenGrimesatthepointwhereherjealousyovercomesher。Hartyieldedtoallherstrictureswithoutargument。Shehadatonceputherfingeronthesketch”sweakerpoints。Thatwasherwoman”sintuitionthathehadlacked。AttheendoftheirtalkHartwaswillingtostakethejudgment，experience，andsavingsofhisfouryearsofvaudevillethat“MiceWillPlay“wouldblossomintoaperennialflowerinthegardenofthecircuits。MissCherrywasslowertodecide。Aftermanypuckeringsofhersmoothyoungbrowandtappingsonhersmall，whiteteethwiththeendofaleadpencilshegaveoutherdictum。
“Mr。Hart，“saidshe，“Ibelieveyoursketchisgoingtowinout。
ThatGrimespartfitsmelikeashrinkableflannelafteritsfirsttriptoahandlesshandlaundry。IcanmakeitstandoutlikethecoloneloftheForty-fourthRegimentataLittleMothers”Bazaar。
AndI”veseenyouwork。Iknowwhatyoucandowiththeotherpart。Butbusinessisbusiness。Howmuchdoyougetaweekforthestuntyoudonow？“
“Twohundred，“answeredHart。
“Igetonehundredformine，“saidCherry。“That”saboutthenaturaldiscountforawoman。ButIliveonitandputafewsimoleonseveryweekundertheloosebrickintheoldkitchenhearth。Thestageisallright。Iloveit；butthere”ssomethingelseI
lovebetter——that”salittlecountryhome，someday，withPlymouthRockchickensandsixduckswanderingaroundtheyard。
“Now，letmetellyou，Mr。Hart，IamSTRICTLYBUSINESS。Ifyouwantmetoplaytheoppositepartinyoursketch，I”lldoit。
AndIbelievewecanmakeitgo。Andthere”ssomethingelseI
wanttosay：There”snononsenseinmymake-up；I”m_onthelevel_，andI”monthestageforwhatitpaysme，justasothergirlsworkinstoresandoffices。I”mgoingtosavemymoneytokeepmewhenI”mpastdoingmystunts。NoOldLadies”HomeorRetreatforImprudentActressesforme。
“Ifyouwanttomakethisabusinesspartnership，Mr。Hart，withallnonsensecutoutofit，I”minonit。Iknowsomethingaboutvaudevilleteamsingeneral；butthiswouldhavetobeoneinparticular。IwantyoutoknowthatI”monthestageforwhatIcancartawayfromiteverypay-dayinalittlemanilaenvelopewithnicotinestainsonit，wherethecashierhaslickedtheflap。It”skindofahobbyofminetowanttocravenettemyselfforplentyofrainydaysinthefuture。IwantyoutoknowjusthowIam。Idon”tknowwhatanall-nightrestaurantlookslike；Idrinkonlyweaktea；Ineverspoketoamanatastageentranceinmylife，andI”vegotmoneyinfivesavingsbanks。”
“MissCherry，“saidBobHartinhissmooth，serioustones，“you”reinonyourownterms。I”vegot”strictlybusiness”pastedinmyhatandstenciledonmymake-upbox。WhenIdreamofnightsI
alwaysseeafive-roombungalowonthenorthshoreofLongIsland，withaJapcookingclambrothandducklinginthekitchen，andmewiththetitledeedstotheplaceinmypongeecoatpocket，swinginginahammockonthesideporch，readingStanleys”ExplorationsintoAfrica。”Andnobodyelsearound。YouneverwasinterestedinAfrica，wasyou，MissCherry？“
“Notany，“saidCherry。“WhatI”mgoingtodowithmymoneyistobankit。Youcangetfourpercent。ondeposits。EvenatthesalaryI”vebeenearning，I”vefiguredoutthatintenyearsI”dhaveanincomeofabout$50amonthjustfromtheinterestalone。
Well，Imightinvestsomeoftheprincipalinalittlebusiness——say，trimminghatsorabeautyparlor，andmakemore。”
“Well，“saidHart，“You”vegottheproperideaallright，allright，anyhow。Therearemightyfewactorsthatamounttoanythingatallwhocouldn”tfixthemselvesforthewetdaystocomeifthey”dsavetheirmoneyinsteadofblowingit。I”mgladyou”vegotthecorrectbusinessideaofit，MissCherry。Ithinkthesameway；andIbelievethissketchwillmorethandoublewhatbothofusearnnowwhenwegetitshapedup。”
Thesubsequenthistoryof“MiceWillPlay“isthehistoryofallsuccessfulwritingsforthestage。Hart&Cherrycutit，piecedit，remodeledit，performedsurgicaloperationsonthedialogueandbusiness，changedthelines，restored”em，addedmore，cut”emout，renamedit，gaveitbacktheoldname，rewroteit，substitutedadaggerforthepistol，restoredthepistol——putthesketchthroughalltheknownprocessesofcondensationandimprovement。
Theyrehearseditbytheold-fashionedboardinghouseclockintherarelyusedparloruntilitswarningclickatfiveminutestothehourwouldoccureverytimeexactlyhalfasecondbeforetheclickoftheunloadedrevolverthatHelenGrimesusedinrehearsingthethrillingclimaxofthesketch。
Yes，thatwasathrillerandapieceofexcellentwork。Intheactareal32-caliberrevolverwasusedloadedwitharealcartridge。
HelenGrimes，whoisaWesterngirlofdecidedlyBuffaloBillishskillanddaring，istempestuouslyinlovewithFrankDesmond，theprivatesecretaryandconfidentialprospectiveson-in-lawofherfather，“Arapahoe“Grimes，quarter-million-dollarcattleking，owningaranchthat，judgingbythescenery，isineithertheBadLandsorAmagensett，L。I。DesmondinprivatelifeMr。BobHartwearsputteesandMeadowBrookHuntridingtrousers，andgiveshisaddressasNewYork，leavingyoutowonderwhyhecomestotheBadLandsorAmagansettasthecasemaybeandatthesametimetoconjecturemildlywhyacattlemanshouldwantputteesabouthisranchwithasecretaryin”em。
Well，anyhow，youknowaswellasIdothatwealllikethatkindofplay，whetherweadmititornot——somethingalonginbetween“Bluebeard，Jr。，“and“Cymbeline“playedintheRussian。
Therewereonlytwopartsandahalfin“MiceWillPlay。”HartandCherrywerethetwo，ofcourse；andthehalfwasaminorpartalwaysplayedbyastagehand，whomerelycameinonceinaTuxedocoatandapanictoannouncethatthehousewassurroundedbyIndians，andtoturndownthegasfireinthegratebythemanager”sorders。
Therewasanothergirlinthesketch——aFifthAvenuesocietyswelless——whowasvisitingtheranchandwhohadsirenedJackValentinewhenhewasawealthyclub-manonlowerThirdAvenuebeforehelosthismoney。Thisgirlappearedonthestageonlyinthephotographicstate——JackhadherSaronystuckuponthemanteloftheAmagan——oftheBadLandsdroringroom。Helenwasjealous，ofcourse。
Andnowforthethriller。Old“Arapahoe“Grimesdiesofanginapectorisonenight——soHeleninformsusinastage-ferryboatwhisperoverthefootlights——whileonlyhissecretarywaspresent。
Andthatsamedayhewasknowntohavehad$647，000incashinhisranchlibraryjustreceivedforthesaleofadroveofbeevesintheEastthataccountsforthepricewepayforsteak！。Thecashdisappearsatthesametime。JackValentinewastheonlypersonwiththeranchmanwhenhemadehisallegedcroak。
“GawdknowsIlovehim；butifhehasdonethisdeed”yousabe，don”tyou？AndthentherearesomemeanthingssaidabouttheFifthAvenueGirl——whodoesn”tcomeonthestage——andcanweblameher，withthevaudevilletrustholdingdownpricesuntiloneactuallymustbebuttonedinthebackbyacallboy，maidscostsomuch？
But，wait。Here”stheclimax。HelenGrimes，chaparralishasshecanbe，isgoadedbeyondimprudence。SheconvincesherselfthatJackValentineisnotonlyafalsetto，butafinancier。Toloseatonefellswoop$647，000andaloverinridingtrouserswithanglesinthesideslikethevariationsonthechartofatyphoid-feverpatientisenoughtomakeanyperfectladymad。So，then！
Theystandintheranchlibrary，whichisfurnishedwithmountedelkheadsdidn”ttheElkshaveafishfryinAmagensettonce？，andthed”enouementbegins。Iknowofnomoreinterestingtimeintherunofaplayunlessitbewhentheprologueends。
HelenthinksJackhastakenthemoney。Whoelsewastheretotakeit？Thebox-officemanagerwasatthefrontonhisjob；theorchestrahadn”tlefttheirseats；andnomancouldgetpast“OldJimmy，“thestagedoor-man，unlesshecouldshowaSkyeterrieroranautomobileasaguaranteeofeligibility。
Goadedbeyondimprudenceasbeforesaid，HelensaystoJackValentine：“Robberandthief——andworseyet，stealeroftrustinghearts，thisshouldbeyourfate！“
Withthatoutshewhips，ofcourse，thetrusty32-caliber。
“ButIwillbemerciful，“goesonHelen。“Youshalllive——thatwillbeyourpunishment。IwillshowyouhoweasilyIcouldhavesentyoutothedeaththatyoudeserve。Thereis_her_pictureonthemantel。Iwillsendthroughhermorebeautifulfacethebulletthatshouldhavepiercedyourcravenheart。”
Andshedoesit。Andthere”snofakeblankcartridgesorassistantspullingstrings。Helenfires。Thebullet——theactualbullet——goesthroughthefaceofthephotograph——andthenstrikesthehiddenspringoftheslidingpanelinthewall——andlo！thepanelslides，andthereisthemissing$647，000inconvincingstacksofcurrencyandbagsofgold。It”sgreat。Youknowhowitis。Cherrypractisedfortwomonthsatatargetontheroofofherboardinghouse。Ittookgoodshooting。Inthesketchshehadtohitabrassdiskonlythreeinchesindiameter，coveredbywallpaperinthepanel；andshehadtostandinexactlythesamespoteverynight，andthephotohadtobeinexactlythesamespot，andshehadtoshootsteadyandtrueeverytime。
Ofcourseold“Arapahoe“hadtuckedthefundsawaythereinthesecretplace；and，ofcourse，Jackhadn”ttakenanythingexcepthissalarywhichreallymighthavecomeundertheheadof“obtainingmoneyunder“；butthatisneitherherenorthere；and，ofcourse，theNewYorkgirlwasreallyengagedtoaconcretehousecontractorintheBronx；and，necessarily，JackandHelenendedinahalf-Nelson——andthereyouare。
AfterHartandCherryhadgotten“MiceWillPlay“flawless，theyhadatry-outatavaudevillehousethataccommodates。Thesketchwasahousewrecker。Itwasoneofthoserarestrokesoftalentthatinundatesatheatrefromtheroofdown。Thegallerywept；andtheorchestraseats，beingdressedforit，swamintears。
AftertheshowthebookingagentssignedblankchecksandpressedfountainpensuponHartandCherry。Fivehundreddollarsaweekwaswhatitpannedout。
Thatnightat11：30BobHarttookoffhishatandbadeCherrygoodnightatherboarding-housedoor。
“Mr。Hart，“saidshethoughtfully，“comeinsidejustafewminutes。
We”vegotourchancenowtomakegoodandmakemoney。Whatwewanttodoistocutexpenseseverycentwecan，andsaveallwecan。”
“Right，“saidBob。“It”sbusinesswithme。You”vegotyourschemeforbankingyours；andIdreameverynightofthatbungalowwiththeJapcookandnobodyaroundtoraisetrouble。
Anythingtoenlargethenetreceiptswillengagemyattention。”
“Comeinsidejustafewminutes，“repeatedCherry，deeplythoughtful。“I”vegotapropositiontomaketoyouthatwillreduceourexpensesalotandhelpyouworkoutyourownfutureandhelpmeworkoutmine——andallonbusinessprinciples。”
“MiceWillPlay“hadatremendouslysuccessfulruninNewYorkfortenweeks——ratherneatforavaudevillesketch——andthenitstartedonthecircuits。Withoutfollowingit，itmaybesaidthatitwasasoliddrawingcardfortwoyearswithoutasignofabatedpopularity。
SamPackard，managerofoneofKeetor”sNewYorkhouses，saidofHart&Cherry：
“Assquareandhigh-tonedalittleteamasevercameoverthecircuit。It”sapleasuretoreadtheirnamesonthebookinglist。
Quiet，hardworkers，noJohnnyandMabelnonsense，onthejobtotheminute，straighthomeaftertheiract，andeachof”emasgentlemanlikeasalady。Idon”texpecttohandleanyattractionsthatgivemelesstroubleormorerespectfortheprofession。”
Andnow，aftersomuchcrackingofanutshell，hereisthekernelofthestory：
Attheendofitssecondseason“MiceWillPlay“camebacktoNewYorkforanotherrunattheroofgardensandsummertheatres。Therewasneveranytroubleinbookingitatthetop-
notchprice。BobHarthadhisbungalownearlypaidfor，andCherryhadsomanysavings-depositbankbooksthatshehadbeguntobuysectionalbookcasesontheinstalmentplantoholdthem。
Itellyouthesethingstoassureyou，evenifyoucan”tbelieveit，thatmany，verymanyofthestagepeopleareworkerswithabidingambitions——justthesameasthemanwhowantstobepresident，orthegroceryclerkwhowantsahomeinFlatbush，oraladywhoisanxioustoflopoutoftheCount-panintothePrince-fire。AndI
hopeImaybeallowedtosay，withoutchippingintothecontributionbasket，thattheyoftenmoveinamysteriouswaytheirwonderstoperform。
But，listen。
Atthefirstperformanceof“MiceWillPlay“inNewYorkattheWestphalianohamsalludedtoTheatre，WinonaCherrywasnervous。WhenshefiredatthephotographoftheEasternbeautyonthemantel，thebullet，insteadofpenetratingthephotoandthenstrikingthedisk，wentintothelowerleftsideofBobHart”sneck。
Notexpectingtogetitthere，Hartcollapsedneatly，whileCherryfaintedinamostartisticmanner。
Theaudience，surmisingthattheyviewedacomedyinsteadofatragedyinwhichtheprincipalsweremarriedorreconciled，applaudedwithgreatenjoyment。TheCoolHead，whoalwaysgracessuchoccasions，rangthecurtaindown，andtwoplatoonsofsceneshiftersrespectivelyandmoreorlessrespectfullyremovedHart&Cherryfromthestage。Thenextturnwenton，andallwentasmerryasanalimonybell。
ThestagehandsfoundayoungdoctoratthestageentrancewhowaswaitingforapatientwithadecoctionofAm。B”tyroses。ThedoctorexaminedHartcarefullyandlaughedheartily。
“Noheadlinesforyou，OldSport，“washisdiagnosis。“IfithadbeentwoinchestotheleftitwouldhaveunderminedthecarotidarteryasfarastheRedFrontDrugStoreinFlatbushandBackAgain。Asitis，youjustgetthepropertymantobinditupwithaflouncetornfromanyoneofthegirls”Valenciennesandgohomeandgetitdressedbytheparlor-floorpractitioneronyourblock，andyou”llbeallright。Excuseme；I”vegotaseriouscaseoutsidetolookafter。”
Afterthat，BobHartlookedupandfeltbetter。AndthentowherehelaycameVincente，theTrampJuggler，greatinhisline。
Vincente，asolemnmanfromBrattleboro，Vt。，namedSamGriggsathome，senttoysandmaplesugarhometotwosmalldaughtersfromeverytownheplayed。VincentehadmovedonthesamecircuitswithHart&Cherry，andwastheirperipateticfriend。
“Bob，“saidVincenteinhisseriousway，“I”mgladit”snoworse。
Thelittleladyiswildaboutyou。”
“Who？“askedHart。
“Cherry，“saidthejuggler。“Wedidn”tknowhowbadyouwerehurt；andwekeptheraway。It”stakingthemanagerandthreegirlstoholdher。”
“Itwasanaccident，ofcourse，“saidHart。“Cherry”sallright。Shewasn”tfeelingingoodtrimorshecouldn”thavedoneit。There”snohardfeelings。She”sstrictlybusiness。ThedoctorsaysI”llbeonthejobagaininthreedays。Don”tletherworry。”
“Man，“saidSamGriggsseverely，puckeringhisold，smooth，linedface，“areyouachessautomatonorahumanpincushion？Cherry”scryingherheartoutforyou——calling”Bob，Bob”everysecond，withthemholdingherhandsandkeepingherfromcomingtoyou。”
“What”sthematterwithher？“askedHart，withwide-openeyes。
“Thesketch”llgoonagaininthreedays。I”mnothurtbad，thedoctorsays。Shewon”tloseouthalfaweek”ssalary。Iknowitwasanaccident。What”sthematterwithher？“
“Youseemtobeblind，orasortofafool，“saidVincente。“Thegirllovesyouandisalmostmadaboutyourhurt。What”sthematterwith_you_？Isshenothingtoyou？Iwishyoucouldhearhercallyou。”
“Lovesme？“askedBobHart，risingfromthestackofsceneryonwhichhelay。“Cherrylovesme？Why，it”simpossible。”
“Iwishyoucouldseeherandhearher，“saidGriggs。
“But，man，“saidBobHart，sittingup，“it”simpossible。It”simpossible，Itellyou。Ineverdreamedofsuchathing。”
“Nohumanbeing，“saidtheTrampJuggler，“couldmistakeit。
She”swildforloveofyou。Howhaveyoubeensoblind？“
“But，myGod，“saidBobHart，risingtohisfeet，“it”s_toolate_。
It”stoolate，Itellyou，Sam；_it”stoolate_。Itcan”tbe。Youmustbewrong。It”s_impossible_。There”ssomemistake。
“She”scryingforyou，“saidtheTrampJuggler。“Forloveofyoushe”sfightingthree，andcallingyournamesoloudtheydon”tdaretoraisethecurtain。Wakeup，man。”
“Forloveofme？“saidBobHartwithstaringeyes。“Don”tItellyouit”stoolate？It”stoolate，man。Why，_CherryandIhavebeenmarriedtwoyears！_“
II
THEGOLDTHATGLITTERED
Astorywithamoralappendedislikethebillofamosquito。Itboresyou，andtheninjectsastingingdroptoirritateyourconscience。Thereforeletushavethemoralfirstandbedonewithit。Allisnotgoldthatglitters，butitisawisechildthatkeepsthestopperinhisbottleoftestingacid。
WhereBroadwayskirtsthecornerofthesquarepresidedoverbyGeorgetheVeraciousistheLittleRialto。Herestandtheactorsofthatquarter，andthisistheirshibboleth：“”Nit”saysItoFrohman，”youcan”ttouchmeforakopecklessthantwo-fiftyper”andoutI
walks。”
WestwardandsouthwardfromtheThespianglareareoneortwostreetswhereaSpanish-AmericancolonyhashuddledforalittletropicalwarmthinthenippingNorth。Thecentreoflifeinthisprecinctis“ElRefugio，“acaf”eandrestaurantthatcaterstothevolatileexilesfromtheSouth。UpfromChili，Bolivia，Colombia，therollingrepublicsofCentralAmericaandtheirefulislandsoftheWesternIndiesflitthecloakedandsombreroedse~nores，whoarescatteredlikeburninglavabythepoliticaleruptionsoftheirseveralcountries。
Hithertheycometolaycounterplots，tobidetheirtime，tosolicitfunds，toenlistfilibusterers，tosmuggleoutarmsandammunitions，toplaythegameatlongtaw。InElRefugio，theyfindtheatmosphereinwhichtheythrive。
IntherestaurantofElRefugioareservedcompoundsdelightfultothepalateofthemanfromCapricornorCancer。Altruismmusthaltthestorythuslong。On，diner，wearyoftheculinarysubterfugesoftheGallicchef，hietheetoElRefugio！Thereonlywillyoufindafish——bluefish，shadorpompanofromtheGulf——
bakedaftertheSpanishmethod。Tomatoesgiveitcolor，individualityandsoul；chilicoloradobestowsuponitzest，originalityandfervor；unknownherbsfurnishpiquancyandmystery，and——butitscrowningglorydeservesanewsentence。
Aroundit，aboveit，beneathit，initsvicinity——butneverinit——
hoversanetherealaura，aneffluviumsorarefiedandddelicatethatonlytheSocietyforPsychicalResearchcouldnoteitsorigin。DonotsaythatgarlicisinthefishatElRefugio。ItisnototherwisethanasifthespiritofGarlic，flittingpast，haswaftedonekissthatlingersintheparsley-crowneddishashauntingasthosekissesinlife，“byhopelessfancyfeignedonlipsthatareforothers。”Andthen，whenConchito，thewaiter，bringsyouaplateofbrownfrijolesandcarafeofwinethathasneverstoodstillbetweenOportoandElRefugio——ah，Dios！
OnedayaHamburg-AmericanlinerdepositeduponPierNo。55
Gen。PerricoXimenesVillablancaFalcon，apassengerfromCartagena。TheGeneralwasbetweenaclaybankandbayincomplexion，hada42-inchwaistandstood5feet4withhisDuBarryheels。Hehadthemustacheofashooting-galleryproprietor，heworethefulldressofaTexascongressmanandhadtheimportantaspectofanuninstructeddelegate。
Gen。FalconhadenoughEnglishunderhishattoenablehimtoinquirehiswaytothestreetinwhichElRefugiostood。Whenhereachedthatneighborhoodhesawasignbeforearespectablered-
brickhousethatread，“HotelEspa~nol。”InthewindowwasacardinSpanish，“AquisehablaEspa~nol。”TheGeneralentered，sureofacongenialport。
InthecozyofficewasMrs。O”Brien，theproprietress。Shehadblond——oh，unimpeachablyblondhair。Fortherestshewasamiability，andranlargelytoinchesaround。Gen。Falconbrushedthefloorwithhisbroad-brimmedhat，andemittedaquantityofSpanish，thesyllablessoundinglikefirecrackersgentlypoppingtheirwaydownthestringofabunch。
“SpanishorDago？“askedMrs。O”Brien，pleasantly。
“IamaColombian，madam，“saidtheGeneral，proudly。“IspeaktheSpanish。TheadvismentinyourwindowsaytheSpanishheisspokenhere。Howisthat？“
“Well，you”vebeenspeakingit，ain”tyou？“saidthemadam。“I”msureIcan”t。”
AttheHotelEspa~nolGeneralFalconengagedroomsandestablishedhimself。AtduskhesaunteredoutuponthestreetstoviewthewondersofthisroaringcityoftheNorth。AshewalkedhethoughtofthewonderfulgoldenhairofMme。O”Brien。“Itishere，“saidtheGeneraltohimself，nodoubtinhisownlanguage，“thatoneshallfindthemostbeautifulse~norasintheworld。I
havenotinmyColombiaviewedamongourbeautiesonesofair。
Butno！ItisnotfortheGeneralFalcontothinkofbeauty。Itismycountrythatclaimsmydevotion。”
AtthecornerofBroadwayandtheLittleRialtotheGeneralbecameinvolved。Thestreetcarsbewilderedhim，andthefenderofoneupsethimagainstapushcartladenwithoranges。Acabdrivermissedhimaninchwithahub，andpouredbarbarousexecrationsuponhishead。Hescrambledtothesidewalkandskippedagaininterrorwhenthewhistleofapeanut-roasterpuffedahotscreaminhisear。V”algameDios！Whatdevil”scityisthis？“
AstheGeneralflutteredoutofthestreamersofpasserslikeawoundedsnipehewasmarkedsimultaneouslyasgamebytwohunters。Onewas“Bully“McGuire，whosesystemofsportrequiredtheuseofastrongarmandthemisuseofaneight-inchpieceofleadpipe。TheotherNimrodoftheasphaltwas“Spider“
Kelley，asportsmanwithmorerefinedmethods。
Inpouncingupontheirself-evidentprey，Mr。Kelleywasashadethequicker。HiselbowfendedaccuratelytheonslaughtofMr。
McGuire。
“G”wan！“hecommandedharshly。“Isawitfirst。”McGuireslunkaway，awedbysuperiorintelligence。
“Pardonme，“saidMr。Kelley，totheGeneral，“butyougotballedupintheshuffle，didn”tyou？Letmeassistyou。”HepickeduptheGeneral”shatandbrushedthedustfromit。
ThewaysofMr。Kelleycouldnotbutsucceed。TheGeneral，bewilderedanddismayedbytheresoundingstreets，welcomedhisdelivererasacaballerowithamostdisinterestedheart。
“Ihaveadesire，“saidtheGeneral，“toreturntothehotelofO”Brien，inwhichIamstop。Caramba！se~nor，thereisaloudnessandrapidnessofgoingandcominginthecityofthisNuevaYork。”
Mr。Kelley”spolitenesswouldnotsufferthedistinguishedColombiantobravethedangersofthereturnunaccompanied。AtthedooroftheHotelEspa~noltheypaused。AlittlelowerdownontheoppositesideofthestreetshonethemodestilluminatedsignofElRefugio。Mr。Kelley，towhomfewstreetswereunfamiliar，knewtheplaceexteriorlyasa“Dagojoint。”Allforeigners，Mr。Kelleyclassedunderthetwoheadsof“Dagoes“
andFrenchmen。HeproposedtotheGeneralthattheyrepairthitherandsubstantiatetheiracquaintancewithaliquidfoundation。
AnhourlaterfoundGeneralFalconandMr。Kelleyseatedatatableintheconspirator”scornerofElRefugio。Bottlesandglasseswerebetweenthem。ForthetenthtimetheGeneralconfidedthesecretofhismissiontotheEstadosUnidos。Hewashere，hedeclared，topurchasearms——2，000standsofWinchesterrifles——fortheColombianrevolutionists。HehaddraftsinhispocketdrawnbytheCartagenaBankonitsNewYorkcorrespondentfor$25，000。Atothertablesotherrevolutionistswereshoutingtheirpoliticalsecretstotheirfellow-plotters；butnonewasasloudastheGeneral。Hepoundedthetable；hehallooedforsomewine；heroaredtohisfriendthathiserrandwasasecretone，andnottobehintedattoalivingsoul。Mr。Kelleyhimselfwasstirredtosympatheticenthusiasm。HegraspedtheGeneral”shandacrossthetable。
“Monseer，“hesaid，earnestly，“Idon”tknowwherethiscountryofyoursis，butI”mforit。IguessitmustbeabranchoftheUnitedStates，though，forthepoetryguysandtheschoolmarmscallusColumbia，too，sometimes。It”saluckythingforyouthatyoubuttedintometo-night。I”mtheonlymaninNewYorkthatcangetthisgundealthroughforyou。TheSecretaryofWaroftheUnitedStatesismebestfriend。He”sinthecitynow，andI”llseehimforyouto-morrow。Inthemeantime，monseer，youkeepthemdraftstightinyourinsidepocket。I”llcallforyouto-morrow，andtakeyoutoseehim。Say！thatain”ttheDistrictofColumbiayou”retalkingabout，isit？“concludedMr。Kelley，withasuddenqualm。
“Youcan”tcapturethatwithno2，000guns——it”sbeentriedwithmore。”
“No，no，no！“exclaimedtheGeneral。“ItistheRepublicofColombia——itisag-r-reatrepubliconthetopsideofAmericaoftheSouth。Yes。Yes。”
“Allright，“saidMr。Kelley，reassured。“Nowsupposewetrekalonghomeandgoby-by。I”llwritetotheSecretaryto-nightandmakeadatewithhim。It”saticklishjobtogetgunsoutofNewYork。McCluskyhimselfcan”tdoit。”
TheypartedatthedooroftheHotelEspa~nol。TheGeneralrolledhiseyesatthemoonandsighed。
“Itisagreatcountry，yourNuevaYork，“hesaid。“Trulythecarsinthestreetsdevastateone，andtheenginethatcooksthenutsterriblymakesasqueakintheear。But，ah，Se~norKelley——these~noraswithhairofmuchgoldness，andadmirablefatness——theyaremagnificas！Muymagnificas！“
KelleywenttothenearesttelephoneboothandcalledupMcCrary”scaf”e，faruponBroadway。HeaskedforJimmyDunn。
“IsthatJimmyDunn？“askedKelley。
“Yes，“cametheanswer。
“You”realiar，“sangbackKelley，joyfully。“Your”etheSecretaryofWar。WaittheretillIcomeup。I”vegotthefinestthingdownhereinthewayofafishyoueverbaitedfor。It”saColorado-
maduro，withagoldbandarounditandfreecouponsenoughtobuyaredhalllampandastatuetteofPsycherubberinginthebrook。I”llbeuponthenextcar。”
JimmyDunnwasanA。M。ofCrookdom。Hewasanartistintheconfidenceline。Heneversawabludgeoninhislife；andhescornedknockoutdrops。Infact，hewouldhavesetnothingbeforeanintendedvictimbutthepurestofdrinks，ifithadbeenpossibletoprocuresuchathinginNewYork。Itwastheambitionof“Spider“KelleytoelevatehimselfintoJimmy”sclass。
ThesetwogentlemenheldaconferencethatnightatMcCrary”s。
Kelleyexplained。
“He”saseasyasagumshoe。He”sfromtheIslandofColombia，wherethere”sastrike，orafeud，orsomethinggoingon，andthey”vesenthimupheretobuy2，000Winchesterstoarbitratethethingwith。Heshowedmetwodraftsfor$10，000each，andonefor$5，000onabankhere。”Struth，Jimmy，Ifeltrealmadwithhimbecausehedidn”thaveitinthousand-dollarbills，andhandittomeonasilverwaiter。Now，we”vegottowaittillhegoestothebankandgetsthemoneyforus。”
Theytalkeditoverfortwohours，andthenDunnsaid；“BringhimtoNo。__Broadway，atfouro”clockto-morrowafternoon。”
InduetimeKelleycalledattheHotelEspa~nolfortheGeneral。
HefoundthewilywarriorengagedindelectableconversationwithMrs。O”Brien。
“TheSecretaryofWariswaitin”forus，“saidKelley。
TheGeneraltorehimselfawaywithaneffort。
“Ay，se~nor，“hesaid，withasigh，“dutymakesacall。But，se~nor，these~norasofyourEstadosUnidos——howbeauties！Forexemplification，takeyoulaMadameO”Brien——quemagnifica！
Sheisonegoddess——oneJuno——whatyoucalloneox-eyedJuno。”
NowMr。Kelleywasawit；andbettermenhavebeenshriveledbythefireoftheirownimagination。
“Sure！“hesaidwithagrin；“butyoumeanaperoxideJuno，don”tyou？“
Mrs。O”Brienheard，andliftedanauriferoushead。HerbusinesslikeeyerestedforaninstantuponthedisappearingformofMr。Kelley。Exceptinstreetcarsoneshouldneverbeunnecessarilyrudetoalady。
WhenthegallantColombianandhisescortarrivedattheBroadwayaddress，theywereheldinananteroomforhalfanhour，andthenadmittedintoawell-equippedofficewhereadistinguishedlookingman，withasmoothface，wroteatadesk。
GeneralFalconwaspresentedtotheSecretaryofWaroftheUnitedStates，andhismissionmadeknownbyhisoldfriend，Mr。
Kelley。
“Ah——Colombia！“saidtheSecretary，significantly，whenhewasmadetounderstand；“I”mafraidtherewillbealittledifficutlyinthatcase。ThePresidentandIdifferinoursympathiesthere。Hepreferstheestablishedgovernment，whileI”thesecretarygavetheGeneralamysteriousbutencouragingsmile。“You，ofcourse，know，GeneralFalcon，thatsincetheTammanywar，anactofCongresshasbeenpassedrequiringallmanufacturedarmsandammunitionexportedfromthiscountrytopassthroughtheWarDepartment。Now，ifIcandoanythingforyouIwillbegladtodosotoobligemyoldfriend，Mr。Kelley。Butitmustbeinabsolutesecrecy，asthePresident，asIhavesaid，doesnotregardfavorablytheeffortsofyourrevolutionarypartyinColombia。Iwillhavemyorderlybringalistoftheavailablearmsnowinthewarehouse。”
TheSecretarystruckabell，andanorderlywiththelettersA。D。T。
onhiscapsteppedpromptlyintotheroom。
“BringmeScheduleBofthesmallarmsinventory，“saidtheSecretary。
Theorderlyquicklyreturnedwithaprintedpaper。TheSecretarystudieditclosely。
“Ifind，“hesaid，“thatinWarehouse9，ofGovernmentstores，thereisshipmentof2，000standsofWinchesterriflesthatwereorderedbytheSultanofMorocco，whoforgottosendthecashwithhisorder。Ourruleisthatlegal-tendermustbepaiddownatthetimeofpurchase。MydearKelley，yourfriend，GeneralFalcon，shallhavethislotofarms，ifhedesiresit，atthemanufacturer”sprice。
Andyouwillforgiveme，Iamsure，ifIcurtailourinterview。IamexpectingtheJapaneseMinisterandCharlesMurphyeverymoment！“
Asoneresultofthisinterview，theGeneralwasdeeplygratefultohisesteemedfriend，Mr。Kelley。Asanother，thenimbleSecretaryofWarwasextremelybusyduringthenexttwodaysbuyingemptyriflecasesandfillingthemwithbricks，whichwerethenstoredinawarehouserentedforthatpurpose。Asstillanother，whentheGeneralreturnedtotheHotelEspa~nol，Mrs。O”Brienwentuptohim，pluckedathreadfromhislapel，andsaid：
“Say，se~nor，Idon”twantto”buttin”butwhatdoesthatmonkey-
faced，cat-eyed，rubber-neckedtinhorntoughwantwithyou？“
“Sangredemivida！“exclaimedtheGeneral。“Impossibleitisthatyouspeakofmygoodfriend，Se~norkelley。”
“Comeintothesummergarden，“saidMrs。O”Brien。“Iwanttohaveatalkwithyou。”
Letussupposethatanhourhaselapsed。
“Andyousay，“saidtheGeneral，“thatforthesumof$18，000canbepurchasedthefurnishmentofthehouseandtheleaseofoneyearwiththisgardensolovely——soresemblinguntothepatiosofmycaraColombia？“
“Anddirtcheapatthat，“sighedthelady。
“Ah，Dios！“breathedGeneralFalcon。“Whattomeiswarandpolitics？Thisspotisoneparadise。Mycountryithaveotherbraveheroestocontinuethefighting。Whattomeshouldbegloryandtheshootingofmans？Ah！no。ItishereIhavefoundoneangel。LetusbuytheHotelEspa~nolandyoushallbemine，andthemoneyshallnotbewasteonguns。”
Mrs。O”BrienrestedherblondpompadouragainsttheshoulderoftheColombianpatriot。
“Oh，se~nor，“shesighed，happily，“ain”tyouterrible！“
TwodayslaterwasthetimeappointedforthedeliveryofthearmstotheGeneral。Theboxesofsupposedrifleswerestackedintherentedwarehouse，andtheSecretaryofWarsatuponthem，waitingforhisfriendKelleytofetchthevictim。
Mr。Kelleyhurried，atthehour，totheHotelEspa~nol。HefoundtheGeneralbehindthedeskaddingupaccounts。
“Ihavedecide，“saidtheGeneral，“tobuynotguns。Ihaveto-daybuytheinsidesofthishotel，andthereshallbemarryingoftheGeneralPerricoXimenesVillablancaFalconwithlaMadameO”Brien。”
Mr。Kelleyalmoststrangled。
“Say，youoldbald-headedbottleofshoepolish，“hespluttered，“you”reaswindler——that”swhatyouare！You”veboughtaboardinghousewithmoneybelongingtoyourinfernalcountry，whereveritis。”
“Ah，“saidtheGeneral，footingupacolumn，“thatiswhatyoucallpolitics。Warandrevolutiontheyarenotnice。Yes。ItisnotbestthatoneshallalwaysfollowMinerva。No。ItisofquitedesirabletokeephotelsandbewiththatJuno——thatox-eyedJuno。Ah！whathairofthegolditisthatshehave！“
Mr。Kelleychokedagain。
“Ah，SenorKelley！“saidtheGeneral，feelinglyandfinally，“isitthatyouhavenevereatenofthecornedbeefhashthatMadameO”Brienshemake？“
III
BABESINTHEJUNGLE
MontagueSilver，thefineststreetmanandartgrafterintheWest，saystomeonceinLittleRock：“Ifyoueverloseyourmind，Billy，andgettoooldtodohonestswindlingamonggrownmen，gotoNewYork。IntheWestasuckerisborneveryminute；butinNewYorktheyappearinchunksofroe——youcan”tcount”em！“
TwoyearsafterwardIfoundthatIcouldn”trememberthenamesoftheRussianadmirals，andInoticedsomegrayhairsovermyleftear；soIknewthetimehadarrivedformetotakeSilver”sadvice。
IstruckNewYorkaboutnoononeday，andtookawalkupBroadway。AndIrunagainstSilverhimself，allencompassedupinaspaciouskindofhaberdashery，leaningagainstahotelandrubbingthehalf-moonsonhisnailswithasilkhandkerchief。
“Paresisorsuperannuated？“Iaskshim。
“Hello，Billy，“saysSilver；“I”mgladtoseeyou。Yes，itseemedtomethattheWestwasaccumulatingalittletoomuchwiseness。
I”vebeensavingNewYorkfordessert。Iknowit”salow-downtricktotakethingsfromthesepeople。Theyonlyknowthisandthatandpasstoandfroandthinkeverandanon。I”dhateformymothertoknowIwasskinningtheseweak-mindedones。Sheraisedmebetter。”
“Isthereacrushalreadyinthewaitingroomsoftheolddoctorthatdoesskingrafting？“Iasks。
“Well，no，“saysSilver；“youneedn”tbackEpidermistowinto-
day。I”veonlybeenhereamonth。ButI”mreadytobegin；andthemembersofWillieManhattan”sSundaySchoolclass，eachofwhomhasvolunteeredtocontributeaportionofcuticletowardthisrehabilitation，mayaswellsendtheirphotostothe_EveningDaily_。
“I”vebeenstudyingthetown，“saysSilver，“andreadingthepaperseveryday，andIknowitaswellasthecatintheCityHallknowsanO”Sullivan。Peoplehereliedownonthefloorandscreamandkickwhenyouaretheleastbitslowabouttakingmoneyfromthem。ComeupinmyroomandI”lltellyou。We”llworkthetowntogether，Billy，forthesakeofoldtimes。”
Silvertakesmeupinahotel。Hehasaquantityofirrelevantobjectslyingabout。
“There”smorewaysofgettingmoneyfromthesemetropolitanhayseeds，“saysSilver，“thanthereisofcookingriceinCharleston，S。C。They”llbiteatanything。Thebrainsofmostof”emcommute。Thewisertheyareinintelligencethelessperceptionofcognizancetheyhave。Why，didin”tamantheotherdaysellJ。P。
MorgananoilportraitofRockefeller，Jr。，forAndreadelSarto”scelebratedpaintingoftheyoungSaintJohn！
“Youseethatbundleofprintedstuffinthecorner，Billy？That”sgoldminingstock。Istartedoutonedaytosellthat，butIquititintwohours。Why？Gotarrestedforblockingthestreet。Peoplefoughttobuyit。Isoldthepolicemanablockofitonthewaytothestation-house，andthenItookitoffthemarket。Idon”twantpeopletogivemetheirmoney。Iwantsomelittleconsiderationconnectedwiththetransactiontokeepmypridefrombeinghurt。I
want”emtoguessthemissingletterinChic-go，ordrawtoapairofninesbeforetheypaymeacentofmoney。
“Nowthere”sanotherlittleschemethatworkedsoeasyIhadtoquitit。Youseethatbottleofblueinkonthetable？Itattooedananchoronthebackofmyhandandwenttoabankandtold”emI
wasAdmiralDewey”snephew。Theyofferedtocashmydraftonhimforathousand，butIdidn”tknowmyuncle”sfirstname。Itshows，though，whataneasytownitis。Asforburglars，theywon”tgoinahousenowunlessthere”sahotsupperreadyandafewcollegestudentstowaiton”em。They”resluggingcitizensallovertheupperpartofthecityandIguess，takingthetownfromendtoend，it”saplaincaseofassaultandBattery。”
“Monty，“saysI，whenSilverhadslacked，up，“youmayhaveManhattancorrectlydiscriminatedinyourperorative，butIdoubtit。I”veonlybeenintowntwohours，butitdon”tdawnuponmethatit”sourswithacherryinit。Thereain”tenoughrusinurbeaboutittosuitme。I”dbeagooddealmuchbettersatisfiedifthecitizenshadastrawormoreintheirhair，andrunmoretovelveteenvestsandbuckeyewatchcharms。Theydon”tlookeasytome。”
“You”vegotit，Billy，“saysSilver。“Allemigrantshaveit。NewYork”sbiggerthanLittleRockorEurope，anditfrightensaforeigner。You”llbeallright。ItellyouIfeellikeslappingthepeopleherebecausetheydon”tsendmealltheirmoneyinlaundrybaskets，withgermicidesprinkledoverit。Ihatetogodownonthestreettogetit。Whowearsthediamondsinthistown？Why，Winnie，theWiretapper”swife，andBella，theBuncosteerer”sbride。
NewYorkerscanbeworkedeasierthanablueroseonatidy。TheonlythingthatbothersmeisIknowI”llbreakthecigarsinmyvestpocketwhenIgetmyclothesallfulloftwenties。”
“Ihopeyouareright，Monty，“saysI；“butIwishallthesameIhadbeensatisfiedwithasmallbusinessinLittleRock。Thecropoffarmersisneversoshortouttherebutwhatyoucangetafewof”emtosignapetitionforanewpostofficethatyoucandiscountfor$200atthecountybank。Thepeoplehearappeartopossessinstinctsofself-preservationandilliberality。Ifearmethatwearenotculturedenoughtotacklethisgame。”
“Don”tworry，“saysSilver。“I”vegotthisJayville-near-TarrytowncorrectlyestimatedassureasNorthRiveristheHudsonandEastRiverain”tariver。Why，therearepeoplelivinginfourblocksofBroadwaywhoneversawanykindofabuildingexceptaskyscraperintheirlives！Agood，livehustlingWesternmanoughttogetconspicuousenoughhereinsideofthreemonthstoincureitherJerome”sclemencyorLawson”sdispleasure。”
“Hyperboleaside，“saysI，“doyouknowofanyimmediatesystemofbuncoingthecommunityoutofadollarortwoexceptbyapplyingtotheSalvationArmyorhavingafitonMissHelenGould”sdoorsteps？“
“Dozensof”em，“saysSilver。“Howmuchcapitalhaveyougot，Billy？“
“Athousand，“Itoldhim。
“I”vegot$1，200，“sayshe。“We”llpoolanddoabigpieceofbusiness。There”ssomanywayswecanmakeamillionthatIdon”tknowhowtobegin。”
ThenextmorningSilvermeetsmeatthehotelandheisallsonorousandstirredwithakindofsilentjoy。
“We”retomeetJ。P。Morganthisafternoon，“sayshe。“AmanI
knowinthehotelwantstointroduceus。He”safriendofhis。HesayshelikestomeetpeoplefromtheWest。”
“Thatsoundsniceandplausible，“saysI。“I”dliketoknowMr。
Morgan。”
“Itwon”thurtusabit，“saysSilver，“togetacquaintedwithafewfinancekings。IkindoflikethesocialwayNewYorkhaswithstrangers。”
ThemanSilverknewwasnamedKlein。Atthreeo”clockKleinbroughthisWallStreetfriendtoseeusinSilver”sroom。“Mr。
Morgan“lookedsomelikehispictures，andhehadaTurkishtowelwrappedaroundhisleftfoot，andhewalkedwithacane。
“Mr。SilverandMr。Pescud，“saysKlein。“Itsoundssuperfluous，“
sayshe，“tomentionthenameofthegreatestfinancial”
“Cutitout，Klein，“saysMr。Morgan。“I”mgladtoknowyougents；ItakegreatinterestintheWest。Kleintellsmeyou”refromLittleRock。IthinkI”vearailroadortwoouttheresomewhere。IfeitherofyouguyswouldliketodealahandortwoofstudpokerI——
“
“Now，Pierpont，“cutsinKlein，“youforget！“
“Excuseme，gents！“saysMorgan；“sinceI”vehadthegoutsobadI
sometimesplayasocialgameofcardsatmyhouse。NeitherofyouneverknewOne-eyedPeters，didyou，whileyouwasaroundLittleRock？HelivedinSeattle，NewMexico。”
Beforewecouldanswer，Mr。Morganhammersonthefloorwithhiscanandbeginstowalkupanddown，swearinginaloudtoneofvoice。
“Theyhavebeenpoundingyourstocksto-dayontheStreet，Pierpont？“asksKlein，smiling。
“Stocks！No！“roarsMr。Morgan。“It”sthatpictureIsentanagenttoEuropetobuy。Ijustthoughtaboutit。Hecabledmeto-daythatitain”ttobefoundinallItaly。I”dpay$50，000to-morrowforthatpicture——yes，$75，000。Igivetheagentalacarteinpurchasingit。IcannotunderstandwhytheartgallerieswillallowaDeVinchyto”
“Why，Mr。Morgan，“saysklein；“IthoughtyouownedalloftheDeVinchypaintings。”
“Whatisthepicturelike，Mr。Morgan？“asksSilver。“ItmustbeasbigasthesideoftheFlatironBuilding。”
“I”mafraidyourarteducationisonthebum，Mr。Silver，“saysMorgan。“Thepictureis27inchesby42；anditiscalled”Love”sIdleHour。”Itrepresentsanumberofcloakmodelsdoingthetwo-
steponthebankofapurpleriver。Thecablegramsaiditmighthavebeenbroughttothiscountry。Mycollectionwillneverbecompletewithoutthatpicture。Well，solong，gents；usfinanciersmustkeepearlyhours。”
Mr。MorganandKleinwentawaytogetherinacab。MeandSilvertalkedabouthowsimpleandunsuspectinggreatpeoplewas；
andSilversaidwhatashameitwouldbetotrytorobamanlikeMr。Morgan；andIsaidIthoughtitwouldberatherimprudent，myself。Kleinproposesastrollafterdinner；andmeandhimandSilverwalksdowntowardSeventhAvenuetoseethesights。Kleinseesapairofcufflinksthatinstigatehisadmirationinapawnshopwindow，andweallgoinwhilehebuys”em。
AfterwegotbacktothehotelandKleinhadgone，Silverjumpsatmeandwaveshishands。
“Didyouseeit？“sayshe。“Didyouseeit，Billy？“
“What？“Iasks。
“Why，thatpicturethatMorganwants。It”shanginginthatpawnshop，behindthedesk。Ididn”tsayanythingbecauseKleinwasthere。It”sthearticlesureasyoulive。Thegirlsareasnaturalaspaintcanmakethem，allmeasuring36and25and42skirts，iftheyhadanyskirts，andthey”redoingabuck-and-wingonthebankofariverwiththeblues。WhatdidMr。Morgansayhe”dgiveforit？Oh，don”tmakemetellyou。Theycan”tknowwhatitisinthatpawnshop。”
WhenthepawnshopopenedthenextmorningmeandSilverwasstandingthereasanxiousasifwewantedtosoakourSundaysuittobuyadrink。Wesaunteredinside，andbegantolookatwatch-
chains。
“That”saviolentspecimenofachromoyou”vegotupthere，“
remarkedSilver，casual，tothepawnbroker。“ButIkindofenthuseoverthegirlwiththeshoulderbladesandredbunting。Wouldanofferof$2。25foritcauseyoutoknockoveranyfragilearticlesofyourstockinhurryingitoffthenail？“
Thepawnbrokersmilesandgoesonshowingusplatewatch-
chains。
“Thatpicture，“sayshe，“waspledgedayearagobyanItaliangentleman。Iloanedhim$500onit。Itiscalled”Love”sIdleHour”
anditisbyLeonardodeVinchy。Twodaysagothelegaltimeexpired，anditbecameanunredeemedpledge。Hereisastyleofchainthatiswornagreatdealnow。”
AttheendofhalfanhourmeandSilverpaidthepawnbroker$2，000andwalkedoutwiththepicture。SilvergotintoacabwithitandstartedforMorgan”soffice。Igoestothehotelandwaitsforhim。IntwohoursSilvercomesback。
“DidyouseeMr。Morgan？“Iasks。“Howmuchdidhepayyouforit？“
Silversitsdownandfoolswithatasselonthetablecover。
“IneverexactlysawMr。Morgan，“hesays，“becauseMr。Morgan”sbeeninEuropeforamonth。Butwhat”sworryingme，Billy，isthis：Thedepartmentstoreshaveallgotthatsamepictureonsale，framed，for$3。48。Andtheycharge$3。50fortheframealone——
that”swhatIcan”tunderstand。”
IV
THEDAYRESURGENT
IcanseetheartistbitetheendofhispencilandfrownwhenitcomestodrawinghisEasterpicture；forhislegitimatepictorialconceptionsoffigurespertinenttothefestivalarebutfourinnumber。
FirstcomesEaster，pagangoddessofspring。Herehisfancymayhavefreeplay。Abeautifulmaidenwithdecorativehairandthepropernumberoftoeswillfillthebill。MissClariceSt。Vavasour，thewell-knownmodel，willposeforitinthe“Lethergogallagher，“
orwhateveritwasthatTrilbycalledit。
Second——themelancholyladywithupturnedeyesinaframeworkoflilies。Thisismagazine-covery，butreliable。
Third——MissManhattanintheFifthAvenueEasterSundayparade。
Fourth——MaggieMurphywithanewredfeatherinheroldstrawhat，happyandself-conscious，intheGrandStreetturnout。
Ofcourse，therabbitsdonotcount。NortheEastereggs，sincethehighercriticismhashard-boiledthem。
ThelimitedfieldofitspictorialpossibilitiesprovesthatEaster，ofallourfestivaldays，isthemostvagueandshiftinginourconception。Itbelongstoallreligions，althoughthepagansinventedit。Goingbackstillfurthertothefirstspring，wecanseeEvechoosingwithprideanewgreenleaffromthetree_ficuscarica_。
Now，theobjectofthiscriticalandlearnedpreambleistosetforththetheoremthatEasterisneitheradate，aseason，afestival，aholidaynoranoccasion。WhatitisyoushallfindoutifyoufollowinthefootstepsofDannyMcCree。
EasterSundaydawnedasitshould，brightandearly，initsplaceonthecalendarbetweenSaturdayandMonday。At5：24thesunrose，andat10：30Dannyfolloweditsexample。Hewentintothekitchenandwashedhisfaceatthesink。Hismotherwasfryingbacon。Shelookedathishard，smooth，knowingcountenanceashejuggledwiththeroundcakeofsoap，andthoughtofhisfatherwhenshefirstsawhimstoppingahotgrounderbetweensecondandthirdtwenty-twoyearsbeforeonavacantlotinHarlem，wheretheLaPalomaapartmenthousenowstands。InthefrontroomoftheflatDanny”sfathersatbyanopenwindowsmokinghispipe，withhisdishevelledgrayhairtossedaboutbythebreeze。Hestillclungtohispipe，althoughhissighthadbeentakenfromhimtwoyearsbeforebyaprecociousblastofgiantpowderthatwentoffwithoutpermission。Veryfewblindmencareforsmoking，forthereasonthattheycannotseethesmoke。Now，couldyouenjoyhavingthenewsreadtoyoufromaneveningnewspaperunlessyoucouldseethecolorsoftheheadlines？
“”TisEasterDay，“saidMrs。McCree。
“Scramblemine，“saidDanny。
AfterbreakfasthedressedhimselfintheSabbathmorningcostumeoftheCanalStreetimportinghousedraychauffeur——frockcoat，stripedtrousers，patentleathers，gildedtracechainacrossfrontofvest，andwingcollar，rolled-brimderbyandbutterflybowfromSchonstein”sbetweenFourteenthStreetandTony”sfruitstandSaturdaynightsale。
“You”llbegoin”outthisday，ofcourse，Danny，“saidoldmanMcCree，alittlewistfully。“”Tisakindofholiday，theysay。Well，it”sfinespringweather。Icanfeelitintheair。”
“WhyshouldInotbegoingout？“demandedDannyinhisgrumpiestchesttones。“ShouldIstayin？AmIasgoodasahorse？Onedayofrestmyteamhasaweek。Whoearnsthemoneyfortherentandthebreakfastyou”vejusteat，I”dliketoknow？Answermethat！“
“Allright，lad，“saidtheoldman。“I”mnotcomplainin”。Whilemetwoeyeswasgoodtherewasnothin”bettertomymindthanaSundayout。There”sasmellofturfandburnin”brushcomin”inthewindy。Ihavemetobaccy。Agoodfinedayandristtoye，lad。
TimesIwishyourmotherhadlarnedtoread，soImightheartherestaboutthehippopotamus——butletthatbe。”
“Now，whatisthisfoolishnesshetalksofhippopotamuses？“askedDannyofhismother，ashepassedthroughthekitchen。“HaveyoubeentakinghimtotheZoo？Andforwhat？“
“Ihavenot，“saidMrs。McCree。“Hesetsbythewindyallday。”Tislittlerecreationablindmanamongthepoorgetsatall。I”mthinkin”theywanderintheirmindsattimes。Onedayhetalksofgreasewithoutstoppin”forthemostofanhour。Ilookstoseeifthere”slardburnin”inthefryin”pan。Thereisnot。HesaysIdonotunderstand。”Tiswearydays，Sundays，andholidaysandall，forablindman，Danny。Therewasnobetternorstrongerthanhimwhenhehadhistwoeyes。”Tisafineday，son。Injoyyeselfag”instthemorning。Therewillbecoldsupperatsix。”
“Haveyouheardanytalkofahippopotamus？“askedDannyofMike，thejanitor，ashewentoutthedoordownstairs。
“Ihavenot，“saidMike，pullinghisshirtsleeveshigher。“But”tistheonlysubjectintheanimal，naturalandillegallistsofoutragesthatI”venotbeencompainedtoaboutthesetwodays。Seethelandlord。Orelsemoveoutifyelike。Haveyehippopotamusesinthelease？No，then？“
“Itwastheoldmanwhospokeofit，“saidDanny。“Likelythere”snothinginit。”
DannywalkedupthestreettotheAvenueandthenstrucknorthwardintotheheartofthedistrictwhereEaster——modernEaster，innew，brightraiment——leadsthepascalmarch。Outoftoweringbrownchurchescametheblithemusicofanthemsfromthechoirs。Thebroadsidewalksweremovingparterresoflivingflowers——soitseemedwhenyoureyelookedupontheEstergirl。
Gentlemen，frock-coated，silk-hatted，gardeniaed，sustainedthebackgroundofthetradition。Childrencarriedliliesintheirhands。
Thewindowsofthebrownstonemansionswerepackedwiththemostopulentcreationsofflora，thesisteroftheLadyoftheLilies。
Aroundacorner，white-gloved，pink-gilledandtightlybuttoned，walkedCorrigan，thecop，shieldtothecurb。Dannyknewhim。
“Why，Corrigan，“heasked，“isEaster？Iknowitcomesthefirstyou”refullafterthemoonrisesontheseventeenthofMarch——butwhy？Isitaproperandreligiousceremony，ordoestheGovernorappointitoutofpolitics？“
“”Tisanannualcelebration，“saidCorrigan，withthejudicialairoftheThirdDeputyPoliceCommissioner，“peculiartoNewYork。ItextendsuptoHarlem。SometimestheyhasthereservesoutatOneHundredandTwenty-fifthStreet。Inmyopinion”tisnotpolitical。”
“Thanks，“saidDanny。“Andsay——didyoueverhearamancomplainofhippopotamuses？Whennotspeciallyindrink，I
mean。”
“Nothinglargerthanseaturtles，“saidCorrigan，reflecting，“andtherewaswoodalcoholinthat。”
Dannywandered。Thedouble，heavyincumbencyofenjoyingsimultaneouslyaSundayandafestivaldaywashis。
Thesorrowsofthehand-toilerfithimeasily。Theyarewornsooftenthattheyhangwiththepicturesquelinesofthebesttailor-
madegarments。Thatiswhywell-fedartistsofpencilandpenfindinthegriefsofthecommonpeopletheirmoststrikingmodels。
ButwhenthePhilistinewoulddisporthimself，thegrimnessofMelpomene，herself，attendsuponhiscapers。Therefore，DannysethisjawhardatEaster，andtookhispleasuresadly。
ThefamilyentranceofDugan”scaf”ewasfeasible；soDannyyieldedtothevernalseasonasfarasaglassofbock。Seatedinadark，linoleumed，humidbackroom，hisheartandmindstillgropedafterthemysteriousmeaningofthespringtimejubilee。
“Say，Tim，“hesaidtothewaiter，“whydotheyhaveEaster？“
“Skiddoo！“saidTim，closingasophisticatedeye。“Isthatanewone？Allright。TonyPastor”sforyoulastnight，Iguess。Igiveitup。What”stheanswer——twoapplesorayardandahalf？“
FromDugan”sDannyturnedbackeastward。TheAprilsunseemedtostirinhimavaguefeelingthathecouldnotconstrue。HemadeawrongdiagnosisanddecidedthatitwasKatyConlon。
AblockfromherhouseonAvenueAhemethergoingtochurch。
Theypumpedhandsonthecorner。
“Gee！butyoulookdumpishanddressedup，“saidKaty。“What”swrong？Comeawaywithmetochurchandbecheerful。”
“What”sdoingatchurch？“askedDanny。
“Why，it”sEasterSunday。Silly！Iwaitedtillafterelevenexpectin”
youmightcomearoundtogo。”
“WhatdoesthisEasterstandfor，Katy，“askedDannygloomily。
“Nobodyseemstoknow。”
“Nobodyasblindasyou，“saidKatywithspirit。“Youhaven”tevenlookedatmynewhat。Andskirt。Why，it”swhenallthegirlsputonnewspringclothes。Silly！Areyoucomingtochurchwithme？“
“Iwill，“saidDanny。“IfthisEasterispulledoffthere，theyoughttobeabletogivesomeexcuseforit。Notthatthehatain”tabeauty。Thegreenrosesaregreat。”
Atchurchthepreacherdidsomeexpoundingwithnopounding。
Hespokerapidly，forhewasinahurrytogethometohisearlySabbathdinner；butheknewhisbusiness。Therewasonewordthatcontrolledhistheme——resurrection。Notanewcreation；butanewlifearisingoutoftheold。Thecongregationhadhearditoftenbefore。Buttherewasawonderfulhat，acombinationofsweetpeasandlavender，inthesixthpewfromthepulpit。Itattractedmuchattention。
AfterchurchDannylingeredonacornerwhileKatywaited，withpiqueinhersky-blueeyes。
“Areyoucomingalongtothehouse？“sheasked。“Butdon”tmindme。I”llgetthereallright。Youseemtobestudyin”alotaboutsomething。Allright。WillIseeyouatanytimespecially，Mr。
McCree？“
“I”llbearoundWednesdaynightasusual，“saidDanny，turningandcrossingthestreet。
Katywalkedawaywiththegreenrosesdanglingindignantly。
Dannystoppedtwoblocksaway。Hestoodstillwithhishandsinhispockets，atthecurbonthecorner。Hisfacewasthatofagravenimage。Deepinhissoulsomethingstirredsosmall，sofine，sokeenandleaveningthathishardfibresdidnotrecognizeit。ItwassomethingmoretenderthantheAprilday，moresubtlethanthecallofthesenses，pureranddeeper-rootedthantheloveofwoman——forhadhenotturnedawayfromgreenrosesandeyesthathadkepthimchainedforayear？AndDannydidnotknowwhatitwas。Thepreacher，whowasinahurrytogotohisdinner，hadtoldhim，butDannyhadhadnolibrettowithwhichtofollowthedrowsyintonation。Butthepreacherspokethetruth。
SuddenlyDannyslappedhislegandgaveforthahoarseyellofdelight。
“Hippopotamus！“heshoutedtoanelevatedroadpillar。“Well，howisthatforabumguess？Why，blastmyskylights！Iknowwhathewasdrivingatnow。
“Hippopotamus！Wouldn”tthatsendyoutotheBronx！It”sbeenayearsinceheheardit；andhedidn”tmissitsoveryfar。Wequitat469B。C。，andthiscomesnext。Well，awoodenmanwouldn”thaveguessedwhathewastryingtogetoutofhim。”
Dannycaughtacrosstowncarandwentuptotherearflatthathislaborsupported。
OldmanMcCreewasstillsittingbythewindow。Hisextinctpipelayonthesill。
“Willthatbeyou，lad？“heasked。
Dannyflaredintotherageofastrongmanwhoissurprisedattheoutsetofcommittingagooddeed。
“Whopaystherentandbuysthefoodthatiseateninthishouse？“
hesnapped，viciously。“HaveInorighttocomein？“
“Ye”reafaithfullad，“saidoldmanMcCree，withasigh。“Isiteveningyet？“
Dannyreacheduponashelfandtookdownathickbooklabeledingiltletters，“TheHistoryofGreece。”Dustwasonithalfaninchthick。Helaiditonthetableandfoundaplaceinitmarkedbyastripofpaper。Andthenhegaveashortroaratthetopofhisvoice，andsaid：
“Wasitthehippopotamusyouwantedtobereadtoaboutthen？“
“DidIhearyeopenthebook？“saidoldmanMcCree。“Manyandwearybethemonthssincemyladhasreadittome。Idinno；butI
tookagreatlikingstothemGreeks。Yeleftoffataplace。”Tisafinedayoutside，lad。Beoutandtakerestfromyourwork。Ihavegottenusedtomechairbythewindyandmepipe。”
“Pel-Peloponnesuswastheplacewhereweleftoff，andnothippopotamus，“saidDanny。“Thewarbeganthere。Itkeptsomethingdoingforthirtyyears。TheheadlinessaysthataguynamedPhilipofMacedon，in338B。C。，gottobebossofGreecebygettingthedecisionatthebattleofCher-Cheronaea。I”llreadit。”
Withhishandtohisear，raptinthePeloponnesianWar，oldmanMcCreesatforanhour，listening。
Thenhegotupandfelthiswaytothedoorofthekitchen。Mrs。
McCreewasslicingcoldmeat。Shelookedup。TearswererunningfromoldmanMcCree”seyes。
“Doyouhearourladreadin”tome？“hesaid。“Thereisnonefinerintheland。Mytwoeyeshavecomebacktomeagain。”
AftersupperhesaidtoDanny：“”Tisahappyday，thisEaster。
AndnowyewillbeofftoseeKatyintheevening。Wellenough。”
“Whopaystherentandbuysthefoodthatiseateninthishouse？“
saidDanny，angrily。“HaveInorighttostayinit？AftersupperthereisyettocomethereadingofthebattleofCorinth，146B。C。，whenthekingdom，astheysay，becameanin-integralportionoftheRomanEmpire。AmInothinginthishouse？“
V
THEFIFTHWHEEL
TheranksoftheBedLinemovedclosertogether；foritwascold。
TheywerealluvialdepositofthestreamoflifelodgedinthedeltaofFifthAvenueandBroadway。TheBedLinersstampedtheirfreezingfeet，lookedattheemptybenchesinMadisonSquarewhenceJackFrosthadevictedthem，andmutteredtooneanotherinaconfusionoftongues。TheFlatironBuilding，withitsimpious，cloud-piercingarchitectureloomingmistilyabovethemontheoppositedelta，mightwellhavestoodforthetowerofBabel，whencethesepolyglotidlershadbeencalledbythewingedwalkingdelegateoftheLord。
Standingonapineboxaheadhigherthanhisflockofgoats，thePreacherexhortedwhatevertransientandshiftingaudiencethenorthwinddoledouttohim。Itwasaslavemarket。Fifteencentsboughtyouaman。YoudeededhimtoMorpheus；andtherecordingangelgaveyoucredit。
Thepreacherwasincrediblyearnestandunwearied。hehadlookedoverthelistofthingsonemaydoforone”sfellowman，andhadassumedforhimselfthetaskofputtingtobedallwhomightapplyathissoapboxonthenightsofWednesdayandSunday。
Thatleftbutfivenightsforotherphilanthropiststohandle；andhadtheydonetheirpartaswell，thiswickedcitymighthavebecomeavastArcadiandormitorywhereallmightsnoozeandsnorethehappyhoursaway，lettingproblemplaysandtherentmanandbusinessgotothedeuce。
Thehourofeightwasbutalittlewhilepast；sightseersinasmall，darkmassofpayoreweregatheredintheshadowofGeneralWorth”smonument。Nowandthen，shyly，ostentatiously，carelessly，orwithconscientiousexactnessonewouldstepforwardandbestowuponthePreachersmallbillsorsilver。ThenalieutenantofScandinaviancoloringandenthusiasmwouldmarchawaytoalodginghousewithasquadoftheredeemed。AllthewhilethePreacherexhortedthecrowdintermsbeautifullydevoidofeloquence——splendidwiththedeadly，accusativemonotonyoftruth。BeforethepictureoftheBedLinersfadesyoumusthearonephraseofthePreacher”s——theonethatformedhisthemethatnight。Itisworthyofbeingstenciledonallthewhiteribbonsintheworld。
_“Nomaneverlearnedtobeadrunkardonfive-centwhisky。”_
Thinkofit，tippler。ItcoversthegroundfromthesproutingryetothePotter”sField。
Aclean-profiled，erectyoungmanintherearrankofthebedlessemulatedtheterrapin，drawinghisheadfardownintotheshellofhiscoatcollar。Itwasawell-cuttweedcoat；andthetrousersstillshowedsignsofhavingflattenedthemselvesbeneaththecompellinggoose。But，conscientiously，Imustwarnthemilliner”sapprenticewhoreadsthis，expectingaReginaldMontressorinstraits，toperusenofurther。TheyoungmanwasnootherthanThomasMcQuade，ex-coachman，dischargedfordrunkennessonemonthbefore，andnowreducedtothegrimyranksoftheone-
nightbedseekers。
IfyouliveinsmallerNewYorkyoumustknowtheVanSmuythefamilycarriage，drawnbythetwo1，500-pound，100to1-shotbays。Thecarriageisshapedlikeabath-tub。IneachendofitreclinesanoldladyVanSmuytheholdingablacksunshadethesizeofaNewYear”sEvefeathertickler。BeforehisdownfallThomasMcQuadedrovetheVanSmuythebaysandwashimselfdrivenbyAnnie，theVanSmuythelady”smaid。ButitisoneofthesaddestthingsaboutromancethatatightshoeoranemptycommissaryoranachingtoothwillmakeatemporaryhereticofanyCupid-worshiper。AndThomas”sphysicaltroubleswerenotfew。Therefore，hissoulwaslessvexedwiththoughtsofhislostlady”smaidthanitwasbythefanciedpresenceofcertainnon-
existentthingsthathisrackednervesalmostconvincedhimwereflying，dancing，crawling，andwrigglingontheasphaltandintheairaboveandaroundthedismalcampusoftheBedLinearmy。
Nearlyfourweeksofstraightwhiskyandadietlimitedtocrackers，bologna，andpicklesoftenguaranteesapsycho-
zoologicalsequel。Thusdesperate，freezing，angry，besetbyphantomsashewas，hefelttheneedofhumansympathyandintercourse。
TheBedLinerstandingathisrightwasayoungmanofabouthisownage，shabbybutneat。
“What”sthediagnosisofyourcase，Freddy？“askedThomas，withthefreemasonicfamiliarityofthedamned”Booze？That”smine。
Youdon”tlooklikeapanhandler。NeitheramI。AmonthagoI
waspushingthelinesoverthebacksofthefinestteamofPercheronbuffaloesthatevermadetheirmiledownFifthAvenuein2。85。Andlookatmenow！Say；howdoyoucometobeatthisbedbargain-counterrummagesale。”
Theotheryoungmanseemedtowelcometheadvancesoftheairyex-coachman。
“No，“saidhe，“mineisn”texactlyacaseofdrink。UnlessweallowthatCupidisabartender。Imarriedunwisely，accordingtotheopinionofmyunforgivingrelatives。I”vebeenoutofworkforayearbecauseIdon”tknowhowtowork；andI”vebeensickinBellevueandotherhospitalsformonths。Mywifeandkidhadtogobacktohermother。Iwasturnedoutofthehospitalyesterday。